Epiphany

Suffering involves a giving up of hedonism. On its face, you'd think the opposite. Hedonism is defined by indulgence, which you'd think would be far from suffering. And remember, we're not talking suffering in the basic definition - the self-flaggellation or grief that the word implies/connotes. But after listening to Shogen Sensei's talk on patience on Zen Radio, I had a lightbulb. Our lives are so made up of the perpetuation of suffering...my eating disorder is a great example. I eat to satisfy a craving, to "help" myself emotionally, but it's an incredibly minute solution that requires constant attention - I eat, the feeling passes, the feeling comes back, I eat, and so on. I perpetuate my suffering to an extreme, as I'll never get healthy as long as I allow myself the indulgence of my cravings.

If I recognize that I'm supposed to suffer the craving instead, instead of indulging it, then not only do I decrease the amount of food that makes it into my body, but I also no longer perpetuate the seriously drawn-out suffering that the imbibing of that food creates. By recognizing the craving for what it is, recognizing that I need to be present in it, truly present, I think I can change my thinking. That sounds tentative, but it's hard to latch onto; will require significant discipline as I allow my thinking to change. In a way it's already working; I came online tonight to distract myself from thinking about ice cream, and after listening to Shogen Sensei, I'm not even in the mood for the chocolate milk I was going to fix myself as a stop-gap. This is where zazen, not just sitting, but stopping when I need to in the course of a day, coming back to breath, and recognizing the zazen of everyday tasks will go a long way toward helping me change. And by doing this, I won't be avoiding the craving; on the contrary, I'll be examining it, getting to know it, allowing it the attention it deserves that it never gets because I'm so busy inhaling food to indulge it.

I am so freakin' jazzed by this thought :)