That sucks. Still, I'm glad it's Wednesday...when you work stuck to a computer 8 hours a day, you look at Wednesday with hope, because the weekend's in view. Sweet. Thinking of finally hitting Harry Potter 6 with the Husby this weekend, and doing the Riverside market with Mom on Saturday morning.
Listening to plain old music for a change at work, taking a break from Zen Radio.
When I step outside the apartment in the mornings, my keys sweat from the temperature change. No shit.
One neat thing about work is all the windows...on the 3rd floor, we get a great view of the afternoon storm clouds, so we're rarely surprised when the thunder hits.
This month is going to be about relaxation and visualization for me. I started Clomid again...I have only 2 cycles left of the stuff. I'm going to make a conscious effort not to make myself insane over the whole baby-making thing. My stress transfers to Husby big time, and he's got enough baggage to beat himself with. Besides, I remember how the hormones make me a little nutty, and I really want to keep myself in check. There were one or two times there, on the Prometrium, where I shocked myself with what came out of my mouth. Mean-spirited or far too sharp...and y'all know how I keep it pretty real here, so for it to shock me, it must've been bad. So I'm hoping that by being present in myself, I can keep my moods in check. Pipe dream? Let's hope not...
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Nothing much going on...
Dog days...step outside into the wall of heat...breezier than normal this year, but still...
Work...our president stepped down to go be brilliant somewhere else...shouldn't cause a ripple here, but worth keeping the radar up...
Hormone hostage...I really should take something more than Advil for the hormonal issues that accompany the monthly fun. I'm guessing things are a bit heightened by the PCOS. My body was one solid ache from the waist down yesterday, and today people could still use my skin to sharpen blunt objects. And I want to go on the Clomid again...must be loopy. Discussing it with Husby tonight. Meantime, don't piss me off...I'm wound a bit tight.
Pondering cloth pads...I know I have some flannel in my stash...may take it out and sketch patterns tonight, just for grins. My first day has begun to feel like the scene where Johnny Depp dies in Nightmare on Elm Street 1, and I'm very tired of the leaks that ensue. I know, more than you wanted to read...but I'm pretty sure the material that "keeps you dry" on your basic store-bought sanitary napkin is the crux of my problem, so I'm investigating other options. Never mind what they do to the environment...figures that I get eco-friendly 20 years after the fact. Oh, excuse me, 25 years after the fact...gonna go blow my brains out now. Ah well...still hoping to do cloth diapers someday...
Actually, getting more optimistic where the ole birthday is concerned. Happened upon a bio at the library that I'm slowly getting into: Dara Torres' Age Is Just a Number. Been saying that to myself in the mirror in the mornings...it's surprisingly helpful.
Work...our president stepped down to go be brilliant somewhere else...shouldn't cause a ripple here, but worth keeping the radar up...
Hormone hostage...I really should take something more than Advil for the hormonal issues that accompany the monthly fun. I'm guessing things are a bit heightened by the PCOS. My body was one solid ache from the waist down yesterday, and today people could still use my skin to sharpen blunt objects. And I want to go on the Clomid again...must be loopy. Discussing it with Husby tonight. Meantime, don't piss me off...I'm wound a bit tight.
Pondering cloth pads...I know I have some flannel in my stash...may take it out and sketch patterns tonight, just for grins. My first day has begun to feel like the scene where Johnny Depp dies in Nightmare on Elm Street 1, and I'm very tired of the leaks that ensue. I know, more than you wanted to read...but I'm pretty sure the material that "keeps you dry" on your basic store-bought sanitary napkin is the crux of my problem, so I'm investigating other options. Never mind what they do to the environment...figures that I get eco-friendly 20 years after the fact. Oh, excuse me, 25 years after the fact...gonna go blow my brains out now. Ah well...still hoping to do cloth diapers someday...
Actually, getting more optimistic where the ole birthday is concerned. Happened upon a bio at the library that I'm slowly getting into: Dara Torres' Age Is Just a Number. Been saying that to myself in the mirror in the mornings...it's surprisingly helpful.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Holy cr*p
So I'm listening to Daido Roshi...neat guy, funny. Claimed he'd gotten a root canal sans painkillers earlier that day. Don't see how that's possible...any dentist that tried that with me would get a punch in the crotch. So he was a little loopy from pain, I think, but he delivered a message that gave me another lightbulb.
I can't decide if my inability to have this thought before now is the product of public school education or Catholic catechism. Daido Roshi was talking about how he was one of those students who, when told that the universe extends to X and then ends, his question was always, well, what's beyond X? From a philosophical standpoint, that same question could be posed as, well, ok, God made the universe in 6 days, but what/who made God? And he joked that it was questions like that, that got him thrown out of Sunday school.
I've been questioning the concept of God ever since I became pagan, but I never thought of it that way, never even entered the outer reaches of my mind to question the concept of God, period. And why not...I mean, it's as standard as the chicken and the egg. It's not just because I'd never really consider myself an atheist; I think I'll always need a little faith in my life. But there's questioning and there's questioning, and when you don't open yourself to both kinds of questions, you risk missing something. Les's brain works more that way; it's what allows him to enjoy all those NatGeo shows and History/Military channel programs.
There's a joke that you should have an open mind, but not one so open that your brains fall out. I'm thinking that since we have free will and can walk upright, we should have the ability to shove our brains back into our heads if our thoughts produce that result. Probably not something to assume about the general populace, but ok on a case-by-case basis.
Then again, I'm in a fair bit of pain myself today (everybody sing it! "I enjoy being a girl!), so there's also the possibility that I'm talking out of my ass.
I can't decide if my inability to have this thought before now is the product of public school education or Catholic catechism. Daido Roshi was talking about how he was one of those students who, when told that the universe extends to X and then ends, his question was always, well, what's beyond X? From a philosophical standpoint, that same question could be posed as, well, ok, God made the universe in 6 days, but what/who made God? And he joked that it was questions like that, that got him thrown out of Sunday school.
I've been questioning the concept of God ever since I became pagan, but I never thought of it that way, never even entered the outer reaches of my mind to question the concept of God, period. And why not...I mean, it's as standard as the chicken and the egg. It's not just because I'd never really consider myself an atheist; I think I'll always need a little faith in my life. But there's questioning and there's questioning, and when you don't open yourself to both kinds of questions, you risk missing something. Les's brain works more that way; it's what allows him to enjoy all those NatGeo shows and History/Military channel programs.
There's a joke that you should have an open mind, but not one so open that your brains fall out. I'm thinking that since we have free will and can walk upright, we should have the ability to shove our brains back into our heads if our thoughts produce that result. Probably not something to assume about the general populace, but ok on a case-by-case basis.
Then again, I'm in a fair bit of pain myself today (everybody sing it! "I enjoy being a girl!), so there's also the possibility that I'm talking out of my ass.
Still a witch
It's nice to discover, by studying other philosophies, that one in particular still speaks volumes to you. I've been a lapsed witch for awhile now, haven't done a sabbat ritual in ages, rarely noted anything astrological, couldn't be bothered with whether or not mercury was in retrograde. But I've been reading about life in a Zen monastery, and suddenly I'm very much in the mood for Starhawk's The Fifth Sacred Thing. Zenners would call that the ole monkey mind pushing me away from being present; I think I call it my true faith giving me a nudge. Still studying Buddhism, their precepts definitely speak to me; but I'm being pulled in another direction that feels more like coming home.
Plus, I just don't have enough of an existential mind for some of their thinking...was listening to a lecture about self and consciousness, where the lecturer was posed the question at the end as to whether or not we can believe that we just heard a 1-hour lecture from the guy sitting in the chair because we have the language for the words, like lecture or chair, or whether we're supposed to suspend what we think we know as reality...I've never been one for that "tree falls in an empty forest" stuff; I was always like, "of course, it still makes a sound! I mean, somebody's tympanic membrane has to have vibrated somewhere!" I guess I'm just not open enough. Pretty sure I'm ok with that. Still, I can tell that living more in the present can only be a good thing for someone like me, so I'm still studying, still searching.
So I picked up The Pagan Book of Living & Dying today...spent quite a few moments talking to Dad yesterday. I'm pretty sure it had to do, not-so-subconsciously, with the fact that I made pancakes yesterday morning using the family griddle for the first time. It's an electric griddle with a drip pan that I'm pretty sure dates back to Above All (1981-1985). That sucker's still in great shape, heats fast, and makes great pancakes...looking forward to doing bacon on it too. But of course, it struck a chord somewhere, and my hormonal self had the wind knocked out of me again.
At least I've got that newly hatched Monday feeling, instead of the "gee, it's craptastic being at work" Monday feeling. I'll do some dreaming and planning in between websites, so the day doesn't feel so grueling.
Plus, I just don't have enough of an existential mind for some of their thinking...was listening to a lecture about self and consciousness, where the lecturer was posed the question at the end as to whether or not we can believe that we just heard a 1-hour lecture from the guy sitting in the chair because we have the language for the words, like lecture or chair, or whether we're supposed to suspend what we think we know as reality...I've never been one for that "tree falls in an empty forest" stuff; I was always like, "of course, it still makes a sound! I mean, somebody's tympanic membrane has to have vibrated somewhere!" I guess I'm just not open enough. Pretty sure I'm ok with that. Still, I can tell that living more in the present can only be a good thing for someone like me, so I'm still studying, still searching.
So I picked up The Pagan Book of Living & Dying today...spent quite a few moments talking to Dad yesterday. I'm pretty sure it had to do, not-so-subconsciously, with the fact that I made pancakes yesterday morning using the family griddle for the first time. It's an electric griddle with a drip pan that I'm pretty sure dates back to Above All (1981-1985). That sucker's still in great shape, heats fast, and makes great pancakes...looking forward to doing bacon on it too. But of course, it struck a chord somewhere, and my hormonal self had the wind knocked out of me again.
At least I've got that newly hatched Monday feeling, instead of the "gee, it's craptastic being at work" Monday feeling. I'll do some dreaming and planning in between websites, so the day doesn't feel so grueling.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Epiphany
Suffering involves a giving up of hedonism. On its face, you'd think the opposite. Hedonism is defined by indulgence, which you'd think would be far from suffering. And remember, we're not talking suffering in the basic definition - the self-flaggellation or grief that the word implies/connotes. But after listening to Shogen Sensei's talk on patience on Zen Radio, I had a lightbulb. Our lives are so made up of the perpetuation of suffering...my eating disorder is a great example. I eat to satisfy a craving, to "help" myself emotionally, but it's an incredibly minute solution that requires constant attention - I eat, the feeling passes, the feeling comes back, I eat, and so on. I perpetuate my suffering to an extreme, as I'll never get healthy as long as I allow myself the indulgence of my cravings.
If I recognize that I'm supposed to suffer the craving instead, instead of indulging it, then not only do I decrease the amount of food that makes it into my body, but I also no longer perpetuate the seriously drawn-out suffering that the imbibing of that food creates. By recognizing the craving for what it is, recognizing that I need to be present in it, truly present, I think I can change my thinking. That sounds tentative, but it's hard to latch onto; will require significant discipline as I allow my thinking to change. In a way it's already working; I came online tonight to distract myself from thinking about ice cream, and after listening to Shogen Sensei, I'm not even in the mood for the chocolate milk I was going to fix myself as a stop-gap. This is where zazen, not just sitting, but stopping when I need to in the course of a day, coming back to breath, and recognizing the zazen of everyday tasks will go a long way toward helping me change. And by doing this, I won't be avoiding the craving; on the contrary, I'll be examining it, getting to know it, allowing it the attention it deserves that it never gets because I'm so busy inhaling food to indulge it.
I am so freakin' jazzed by this thought :)
If I recognize that I'm supposed to suffer the craving instead, instead of indulging it, then not only do I decrease the amount of food that makes it into my body, but I also no longer perpetuate the seriously drawn-out suffering that the imbibing of that food creates. By recognizing the craving for what it is, recognizing that I need to be present in it, truly present, I think I can change my thinking. That sounds tentative, but it's hard to latch onto; will require significant discipline as I allow my thinking to change. In a way it's already working; I came online tonight to distract myself from thinking about ice cream, and after listening to Shogen Sensei, I'm not even in the mood for the chocolate milk I was going to fix myself as a stop-gap. This is where zazen, not just sitting, but stopping when I need to in the course of a day, coming back to breath, and recognizing the zazen of everyday tasks will go a long way toward helping me change. And by doing this, I won't be avoiding the craving; on the contrary, I'll be examining it, getting to know it, allowing it the attention it deserves that it never gets because I'm so busy inhaling food to indulge it.
I am so freakin' jazzed by this thought :)
I'm online because...
...i'm distracting myself from going out in search of ice cream.
Astigmatic contacts not nearly as expensive as the doc originally told me, thank goodness. They're a pinch more expensive, but not the hilariously exorbitant price she threw at me last week. And while both eyes are astigmatic, the left eye's low enough to wear standard near-sighted contacts; it's rightie that has the higher astigmatism. Whatever, had a work week that was still boring as hell, but the tension I hadn't realized was all across my forehead has evaporated. Sweet.
Otherwise, normal weekend, reading library books, avoiding...I'm a Farmville addict on FB and the gifts haven't been getting through the last couple of days; that's annoying. If that's the biggest annoying thing in my life at present, I'm pretty lucky.
Astigmatic contacts not nearly as expensive as the doc originally told me, thank goodness. They're a pinch more expensive, but not the hilariously exorbitant price she threw at me last week. And while both eyes are astigmatic, the left eye's low enough to wear standard near-sighted contacts; it's rightie that has the higher astigmatism. Whatever, had a work week that was still boring as hell, but the tension I hadn't realized was all across my forehead has evaporated. Sweet.
Otherwise, normal weekend, reading library books, avoiding...I'm a Farmville addict on FB and the gifts haven't been getting through the last couple of days; that's annoying. If that's the biggest annoying thing in my life at present, I'm pretty lucky.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Random Friday thoughts
I love Aerosmith's Steven Tyler to pieces, but someone needs to sit the man down and explain to him that he's 60-freakin'-one years old!
Well, since they cancelled the rest of the tour, maybe somebody finally did that.
Just did a site in Punxsutawney, PA...will now have groundhogs in my head for the rest of the day.
Fridays are delicimous...may require a hint of Starbucks tho' :)
Well, since they cancelled the rest of the tour, maybe somebody finally did that.
Just did a site in Punxsutawney, PA...will now have groundhogs in my head for the rest of the day.
Fridays are delicimous...may require a hint of Starbucks tho' :)
Thursday, August 13, 2009
P.S.S.
Anybody who says that meteorology has nothing to do with aches and pains, doesn't have arthritis. Can't tell me the two don't correlate...knees haven't ached in a month, but today it's been all down my left leg, and there's a front overhead that's sticking around all evening. Well, could be hormonal, my body's hinting at early fun this month, but until then, I'm blaming it on the weather, cuz I can't do anything overnight about the extra-large butt the knees have to carry around everyday. So there.
Besides, I'll always think that after the last CT trip for Nanie's funeral. Three solid days of feeling like my knees were encased in cinder blocks, coupled with an excellent snow storm. I'm an old fart.
And I'm back to wanting a bicycle instead of a treadmill for my birthday.....better for my knees, better for my patience, better for the environment.......how can I think about camping around then, when the bike itself will end up being $200...I live in a dream world.
1 hour to go! Man, I have no concentration at work today...
Besides, I'll always think that after the last CT trip for Nanie's funeral. Three solid days of feeling like my knees were encased in cinder blocks, coupled with an excellent snow storm. I'm an old fart.
And I'm back to wanting a bicycle instead of a treadmill for my birthday.....better for my knees, better for my patience, better for the environment.......how can I think about camping around then, when the bike itself will end up being $200...I live in a dream world.
1 hour to go! Man, I have no concentration at work today...
P.S.
Anybody else surprised to discover that last night was the season finale of The Philanthropist? I know it's just a summer series, but they could've warned us. I thought that show was a rather delightful slice of escapist altruism, and I loved all three main characters (James Purefoy was new to me, Jesse L. Martin...heh, no introduction needed; and it was great seeing Neve Campbell back on series TV). Alas, while I'd love to see it back mid-season, I won't exactly hold my breath...getting used to shows I love not making it as far as I'd like them to.
Was reflecting on that while watching Joan of Arcadia the other day, how clean and beautiful the writing was, how well acted the episodes were...reminded me of Kyle XY, that same level of family excellence displayed on screen; and what happens? Joan gets replaced by Ghost Whisperer, because apparently ghosts (and Jennifer Love Hewitt - gag me) are cooler than god and Amber Tamblyn, and Kyle XY gets killed after 3 seasons. Dorks. What do the TV suits have against decent family ensemble series? But I digress...
Was reflecting on that while watching Joan of Arcadia the other day, how clean and beautiful the writing was, how well acted the episodes were...reminded me of Kyle XY, that same level of family excellence displayed on screen; and what happens? Joan gets replaced by Ghost Whisperer, because apparently ghosts (and Jennifer Love Hewitt - gag me) are cooler than god and Amber Tamblyn, and Kyle XY gets killed after 3 seasons. Dorks. What do the TV suits have against decent family ensemble series? But I digress...
Thursday Thoughts
I do want to go camping on my birthday, but here's an idea...we'll just go camping. We'll hike and sit on our butts and cook over a fire and forget about trying to get anywhere, like Charlotte or Asheville. I need a retreat. May do the weekend in Orlando and then drag Husby to Table Rock...ah, doubt we can afford both, but allow me my delusions for a bit.
Rearranged my desk, but now my monitor catches a glare from the dang windows...this building is mad with windows, which normally I'd love, except when I'm trying to find the happy medium in focusing with the floaties in my eyes lately. Gotta ask her about those at my follow-up on Saturday...hope my new glasses are in. I have a feeling I'll be wearing them a lot more now.
Good Momma Zen today...the trickiest part of Zen for me will be shedding the baggage and just living in the present. I live in the future whenever things don't go my way, whenever I'm restless about my current state, which is often. The upshot of that, of course, is setting yourself up for never truly being happy, I know, but still...I'm going to work on the concept of living in the present. It doesn't have to be a Pollyanna existence, but I talk a good game about being able to shed things when I know I can't control them.....why is it so hard to do that with everyday life? Relinquishing control is different from believing in destiny or accepting fate, but it does have to do with acceptance. Love Momma Zen's blog title today: yield the floor, take the sky.
I'm reading The Heart of Being by Daido Roshi from Zen Mountain Monastery. That'll be one for the home bookshelf; it's a different take on the precepts than Being Upright (Reb Anderson). I'm drawn to the koan study of Master Dogen, but I should/want to acquaint myself with the precepts first. Zen is difficult to wrap your mind around when you've been brought up by the standard public school thinking of read something, absorb it, spit it out, congrats, you've learned it! Zen asks you to study, but turns thinking on its head. Don't think about it by beating yourself over the head with it...allow it to percolate, take on different forms, and what do the forms mean, but be sure to come back to the original thought afterward, and how have the different forms modified how you see the koan, and here's where you're on the right track and here's where you're completely off base, but it's up to you to find the paths to those two opposing tracks......anybody else's head hurt yet? Anyway, I'm still not being a good little zazener, but my mood swings aren't running quite so high either. There's a peace in that. Zen with an Irish temper though...should be interesting, finding my balance.
In the meantime, what do I want for lunch, and is it 5:30 yet? Yeah, ok, I've got a ways to go :)
Rearranged my desk, but now my monitor catches a glare from the dang windows...this building is mad with windows, which normally I'd love, except when I'm trying to find the happy medium in focusing with the floaties in my eyes lately. Gotta ask her about those at my follow-up on Saturday...hope my new glasses are in. I have a feeling I'll be wearing them a lot more now.
Good Momma Zen today...the trickiest part of Zen for me will be shedding the baggage and just living in the present. I live in the future whenever things don't go my way, whenever I'm restless about my current state, which is often. The upshot of that, of course, is setting yourself up for never truly being happy, I know, but still...I'm going to work on the concept of living in the present. It doesn't have to be a Pollyanna existence, but I talk a good game about being able to shed things when I know I can't control them.....why is it so hard to do that with everyday life? Relinquishing control is different from believing in destiny or accepting fate, but it does have to do with acceptance. Love Momma Zen's blog title today: yield the floor, take the sky.
I'm reading The Heart of Being by Daido Roshi from Zen Mountain Monastery. That'll be one for the home bookshelf; it's a different take on the precepts than Being Upright (Reb Anderson). I'm drawn to the koan study of Master Dogen, but I should/want to acquaint myself with the precepts first. Zen is difficult to wrap your mind around when you've been brought up by the standard public school thinking of read something, absorb it, spit it out, congrats, you've learned it! Zen asks you to study, but turns thinking on its head. Don't think about it by beating yourself over the head with it...allow it to percolate, take on different forms, and what do the forms mean, but be sure to come back to the original thought afterward, and how have the different forms modified how you see the koan, and here's where you're on the right track and here's where you're completely off base, but it's up to you to find the paths to those two opposing tracks......anybody else's head hurt yet? Anyway, I'm still not being a good little zazener, but my mood swings aren't running quite so high either. There's a peace in that. Zen with an Irish temper though...should be interesting, finding my balance.
In the meantime, what do I want for lunch, and is it 5:30 yet? Yeah, ok, I've got a ways to go :)
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Just the usual randomness...
Kathy Reichs books aren't easy reads...my last post may have implied that. I'd already started Devil Bones this past weekend, because I have it only on a 7-day checkout from my local library. You've gotta be in the mood for that level of forensic pathology, and it's definitely what sets her apart from your basic beach read. Was glad to see that she dealt with witchcraft responsibly, providing the correct messages (making a point of turning myths on their heads, like that all witches worship Satan...yes, folks, that one's still out there...), and since this story was based in Charlotte, she had a healthy smathering of the Christian hysterics when faced with said religions, but it wasn't to the point of annoying (like real life can be in the South ::wry grin::). This one was quite descriptive of Charlotte; I look forward to owning it and seeing if I can get to know the neighborhoods of my hopeful, fair, future city through her eyes. Yes, I know it's fiction, but I also know she's painting in front of a landscape.
On the off chance people from work actually read this sucker, I won't expound on how my apathy hasn't left yet concerning the ole company. Just putting nose to grindstone and living for the weekends.
This weekend, I want to get off my butt. Or stay on it, but in an upright position while going through a box. I'm going to make some lists and do some thinking. Tired of this year going by so quickly.
On the off chance people from work actually read this sucker, I won't expound on how my apathy hasn't left yet concerning the ole company. Just putting nose to grindstone and living for the weekends.
This weekend, I want to get off my butt. Or stay on it, but in an upright position while going through a box. I'm going to make some lists and do some thinking. Tired of this year going by so quickly.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Another day, another...
Andie: "Are you going to class today?"
Duckie: "I don't know, you know, I don't think I'm emotionally ready."
Andie: "Oh, go for it; it's virtually painless."
Paraphrased from Pretty in Pink
An homage to the departed John Hughes and a veiled explanation for why I wasn't at work yesterday. Sans lithium, there are mornings where you just know you'll be shredding yourself, and leaving a tiny piece of yourself at work if you go, and it's not a piece you're willing to lose. Unfortunately, there will never come a time when you can say that to an employer, so I went with "under the weather". Close enough. I enjoyed a "Joan of Arcadia" marathon on the newly minted Syfy (geez, that's lame...seriously, what was the point of that switch?), plowed through Kathy Reichs' Devil Bones, and made a slightly strange, but tasty dinner, also paraphrased, from the back of a Stove Top stuffing box.
I'm thinking my future kids will never know true Waldorf; I'm just too plugged in. Was blowing my day in front of the tube yesterday and wishing that I had a laptop, so I could log onto Facebook without missing my show. Pitiful.
Zen Radio repeats itself frequently, but when you're listening to it at work, not everything's sinking in at once, so I'm enjoying the repetitiveness. I haven't dedicated myself to daily zazen in the true sense yet...unfortunately the draw of the PS2 has been taking my free time still. But I'm more mindful while eating and doing daily tasks, so I'm heartened that, ever so slowly, I can integrate these teachings into my life.
Not enough happening at the house lately...my work table has piled up nicely again. I hope to tackle that soon, purge a box or three. I'm also trying to be more cognizant of what we eat, but boy, is it tough to modify your diet when you've gotten used to grab-and-go and too much fast food...
Went to the eye doc Saturday, where I enjoyed the news that a) my nearsightedness had gotten better, which was the cause of my focus issues on the computer, b) I've started the 40-something astigmatism a month early, and c) I could be looking at a future of both contacts and reading glasses because astigmatic contacts in my strong nearsighted prescription run about $600 a pop. I'm not amused. Treated myself to new glasses, so that I can wear them to work occasionally without them sending me 'round the bend hopefully (my current pair don't fit right, too loose and won't hold their shape)....and the contacts/reading glasses thing isn't in the near future yet, so I'm reconciling myself to the concept. Still...and I should be seeing the opthalmologist every 6 months for the lattice degeneration ::hangs head in shame::, because that's something you won't know has degenerated until it's almost too late, so I'm sucking it up and making an appointment, as soon as I can find the paperwork to remind myself who the heck I saw last year. That was a really unpleasant appointment...he shoved little things like matchsticks farther into the sides around my eyeball than any implement should have to go.....so I blew off the idea of the appointment 6 months ago, but since we really do only have one set of eyes, and I kind of like mine, I'll be a good camper and exercise diligence with them from now on. Lattice degeneration (my explanation based on what the doc told me) is where you develop stretch marks on the outside of your eyeball, but that means your cornea is thinner in those areas, so there's danger of corneal tears or retinal detachment. I call them stretch marks, because that's literally what they looked like the couple of times they obstructed my vision...it was like I had a stretch mark in my vision field. Weird and scary...thankfully, haven't had those in over a year. Doesn't mean the ole corneas ain't still stretching though. Promise I'll do better.
Duckie: "I don't know, you know, I don't think I'm emotionally ready."
Andie: "Oh, go for it; it's virtually painless."
Paraphrased from Pretty in Pink
An homage to the departed John Hughes and a veiled explanation for why I wasn't at work yesterday. Sans lithium, there are mornings where you just know you'll be shredding yourself, and leaving a tiny piece of yourself at work if you go, and it's not a piece you're willing to lose. Unfortunately, there will never come a time when you can say that to an employer, so I went with "under the weather". Close enough. I enjoyed a "Joan of Arcadia" marathon on the newly minted Syfy (geez, that's lame...seriously, what was the point of that switch?), plowed through Kathy Reichs' Devil Bones, and made a slightly strange, but tasty dinner, also paraphrased, from the back of a Stove Top stuffing box.
I'm thinking my future kids will never know true Waldorf; I'm just too plugged in. Was blowing my day in front of the tube yesterday and wishing that I had a laptop, so I could log onto Facebook without missing my show. Pitiful.
Zen Radio repeats itself frequently, but when you're listening to it at work, not everything's sinking in at once, so I'm enjoying the repetitiveness. I haven't dedicated myself to daily zazen in the true sense yet...unfortunately the draw of the PS2 has been taking my free time still. But I'm more mindful while eating and doing daily tasks, so I'm heartened that, ever so slowly, I can integrate these teachings into my life.
Not enough happening at the house lately...my work table has piled up nicely again. I hope to tackle that soon, purge a box or three. I'm also trying to be more cognizant of what we eat, but boy, is it tough to modify your diet when you've gotten used to grab-and-go and too much fast food...
Went to the eye doc Saturday, where I enjoyed the news that a) my nearsightedness had gotten better, which was the cause of my focus issues on the computer, b) I've started the 40-something astigmatism a month early, and c) I could be looking at a future of both contacts and reading glasses because astigmatic contacts in my strong nearsighted prescription run about $600 a pop. I'm not amused. Treated myself to new glasses, so that I can wear them to work occasionally without them sending me 'round the bend hopefully (my current pair don't fit right, too loose and won't hold their shape)....and the contacts/reading glasses thing isn't in the near future yet, so I'm reconciling myself to the concept. Still...and I should be seeing the opthalmologist every 6 months for the lattice degeneration ::hangs head in shame::, because that's something you won't know has degenerated until it's almost too late, so I'm sucking it up and making an appointment, as soon as I can find the paperwork to remind myself who the heck I saw last year. That was a really unpleasant appointment...he shoved little things like matchsticks farther into the sides around my eyeball than any implement should have to go.....so I blew off the idea of the appointment 6 months ago, but since we really do only have one set of eyes, and I kind of like mine, I'll be a good camper and exercise diligence with them from now on. Lattice degeneration (my explanation based on what the doc told me) is where you develop stretch marks on the outside of your eyeball, but that means your cornea is thinner in those areas, so there's danger of corneal tears or retinal detachment. I call them stretch marks, because that's literally what they looked like the couple of times they obstructed my vision...it was like I had a stretch mark in my vision field. Weird and scary...thankfully, haven't had those in over a year. Doesn't mean the ole corneas ain't still stretching though. Promise I'll do better.
Friday, August 07, 2009
Better
Really handy, having the ability to let something go when I realize there's nothing to be done about it.....saves me a lot of stress. I've been this way since kidhood really...Dad was always a "what next?" kind of guy. But I think it got lost when I was lost in my 20s, so it's like it's a new personality trait now. Sweet. Or I'm just a flake :)
Friday. Payday. One more cool check and then I really have to work hard for my money.
Any truth to the notion that employers look down on folks who have free email addresses? I'm trying to decide whether Outlook is worth the money. I've looked at MS Office Home & Student for years now, and thanks to back to school, the price dipped by $50...thinking of asking Husby for that for my birthday. Lord knows we need it.
Zen radio's helping work go by faster...another something to be grateful for. That and the weekend spread out before me with no real plans other than an eye doctor's appointment. I love Fridays.
Friday. Payday. One more cool check and then I really have to work hard for my money.
Any truth to the notion that employers look down on folks who have free email addresses? I'm trying to decide whether Outlook is worth the money. I've looked at MS Office Home & Student for years now, and thanks to back to school, the price dipped by $50...thinking of asking Husby for that for my birthday. Lord knows we need it.
Zen radio's helping work go by faster...another something to be grateful for. That and the weekend spread out before me with no real plans other than an eye doctor's appointment. I love Fridays.
Thursday, August 06, 2009
Finding patience
Can't dig into specifics because with my luck, it'll be the one post that Husby actually reads. He hasn't been on the computer in ages, but if I talk about what we're going through here, Murphy will put a wild hair up his ass.
It's just a really good thing that I'm studying Zen right now. And that I found this delightful (read: informative and free!) thing called Zen Radio. The Mountain and Rivers Order of Zen Buddhism, based at the Zen Mountain Monastery in upstate NY, runs a radio station with live streaming audio...music, stories, koan zazen...I'm listening to it at work and letting the words flow over me and sink into my psyche.
Still, I ache a little today. It shouldn't be this hard. We're good people, we're not greedy. I know that means nothing...there's plenty of bad people bringing children into the world. And it's not a situation we have real control of...I can plot my timing to the day, but thanks to the PCOS, my body may decide not to shoot out an egg that month, so any "trying" would be for naught anyway. I've been hoarding my last 2 Clomid like chocolates, because a) they send me on a hormonal roller coaster, and b) I know the doc won't give us any more, so....what? I don't know...after enough missed months of not even trying (because of Husby's headaches), I don't want to waste the Clomid on an off month. I'm just a little down today...we'll try tonight, but the window's closing fast on this month, may have closed already, and that hurts a little.
It's just a really good thing that I'm studying Zen right now. And that I found this delightful (read: informative and free!) thing called Zen Radio. The Mountain and Rivers Order of Zen Buddhism, based at the Zen Mountain Monastery in upstate NY, runs a radio station with live streaming audio...music, stories, koan zazen...I'm listening to it at work and letting the words flow over me and sink into my psyche.
Still, I ache a little today. It shouldn't be this hard. We're good people, we're not greedy. I know that means nothing...there's plenty of bad people bringing children into the world. And it's not a situation we have real control of...I can plot my timing to the day, but thanks to the PCOS, my body may decide not to shoot out an egg that month, so any "trying" would be for naught anyway. I've been hoarding my last 2 Clomid like chocolates, because a) they send me on a hormonal roller coaster, and b) I know the doc won't give us any more, so....what? I don't know...after enough missed months of not even trying (because of Husby's headaches), I don't want to waste the Clomid on an off month. I'm just a little down today...we'll try tonight, but the window's closing fast on this month, may have closed already, and that hurts a little.
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
Restless
Slept hard last night....interesting how your body reacts to temperature. AC's on the fritz again and it was 86F in the apartment when I woke up this morning, but I almost feel refreshed.
Still, wouldn't mind a little more sleep...pretty sure I slept that hard because I barely moved, cuz I was sticking to the sheets. Yuk! By some miracle, the AC guys pulled up as I was leaving this morning...could've hugged them.
Not that I need an excuse to sit on my butt in the evenings, but there's something freeing about giving myself permission in those conditions...couldn't even look at knitting last night. Read my Kathy Reichs and vegged. And lost water weight.
August in Florida...90s everyday, rain in the afternoon. Pot roast leftovers tonight and laundry. Wild n' crazy life.
Still, wouldn't mind a little more sleep...pretty sure I slept that hard because I barely moved, cuz I was sticking to the sheets. Yuk! By some miracle, the AC guys pulled up as I was leaving this morning...could've hugged them.
Not that I need an excuse to sit on my butt in the evenings, but there's something freeing about giving myself permission in those conditions...couldn't even look at knitting last night. Read my Kathy Reichs and vegged. And lost water weight.
August in Florida...90s everyday, rain in the afternoon. Pot roast leftovers tonight and laundry. Wild n' crazy life.
Sunday, August 02, 2009
Sunday
There's a pot roast on the stove. Husby made a lot of noise about cooking it himself and then crapped out on me, so I took that passive-aggressive energy and whipped it into shape fast. Plowed through the dirty dishes in short order and braised the meat in the dutch oven (Mom's dutch oven, bless her heart...I think it may be the first time I'm using it for the whole cook...last time I did pot roast, I braised and then crockpotted, but we're not that organized around here lately)...in another half hour, I'll put together the potato bundles and flip the meat. Also planning on throwing together Toll House cookies so we have something to snack on this week, but I've got that recipe memorized, so it'll be easy.
There's the beginnings of another semiautobiographical fiction sneaking its way into my head. Y'all who know me, know that I've written an entire novel, that'll probably never get published because it's so rough. I haven't unearthed it in ages. It was written during my first crazy time....a probably 10-year process. Then a couple of years back, we purchased a new computer, I transferred the whole novel to disc (3½" floppy), and was shocked to discover that the new system didn't have a 3½" floppy drive...had no idea they'd become obselete. I know, I know, Kinko's might still have the means to transfer it to CD...just never got around to it. Harder to get up the gumption when you know you're dealing with a significantly flawed work. There's most of a hardcopy here in the apartment, and I'm sure I'll sink into editing it, as the drips and drabs of this new novel start to invade my psyche.
I miss writing, but it's something that has to come to me at its own pace. I certainly don't want to be one of those editors who spends their lives reading other people's writing while dreaming of publishing their own Great American Novel. But the emotions that come with writing are so raw, the editing process gets tricky. But recently it dawned on me that Dad would never read my first novel. That realization really sucked, because I can still remember the pride in his face and voice, as he read my 5th grade reading project to the family that I'd gotten an A++ on. I ache with that knowledge and the damn fricking birthday coming up has me thinking about leaving my mark and all that, while I'm on this planet. My wry wit will only get me so far in this life.
I say my first crazy time, because I kind of feel like I'm going through my second crazy time right now. I recognize that I'll always have the depression, that my lithium deficiency is going to bring out certain eccentricities in my personality. But the last year has also been a roller coaster of hormones as we try to make a small Johnsonette, combined with the grief of figuring out a life without Dad. It's still so very raw, every day. I'm better at pushing it aside for work lately, but whenever I'm allowed to think about it, it still overcomes me. Brings me to tears on the way to work, or knocks my breath out without warning. I thought I knew death before 2007. I had no fucking idea.
Since then, I've occasionally vocalized how I consider myself a writer, but when it comes to that level of loss, there are no words. I'm slowly, ever so slowly, finally finding my words again. They aren't words that will heal anyone else necessarily, but perhaps by hitting the keyboard, I can start to find some peace for me on the subject.
There's the beginnings of another semiautobiographical fiction sneaking its way into my head. Y'all who know me, know that I've written an entire novel, that'll probably never get published because it's so rough. I haven't unearthed it in ages. It was written during my first crazy time....a probably 10-year process. Then a couple of years back, we purchased a new computer, I transferred the whole novel to disc (3½" floppy), and was shocked to discover that the new system didn't have a 3½" floppy drive...had no idea they'd become obselete. I know, I know, Kinko's might still have the means to transfer it to CD...just never got around to it. Harder to get up the gumption when you know you're dealing with a significantly flawed work. There's most of a hardcopy here in the apartment, and I'm sure I'll sink into editing it, as the drips and drabs of this new novel start to invade my psyche.
I miss writing, but it's something that has to come to me at its own pace. I certainly don't want to be one of those editors who spends their lives reading other people's writing while dreaming of publishing their own Great American Novel. But the emotions that come with writing are so raw, the editing process gets tricky. But recently it dawned on me that Dad would never read my first novel. That realization really sucked, because I can still remember the pride in his face and voice, as he read my 5th grade reading project to the family that I'd gotten an A++ on. I ache with that knowledge and the damn fricking birthday coming up has me thinking about leaving my mark and all that, while I'm on this planet. My wry wit will only get me so far in this life.
I say my first crazy time, because I kind of feel like I'm going through my second crazy time right now. I recognize that I'll always have the depression, that my lithium deficiency is going to bring out certain eccentricities in my personality. But the last year has also been a roller coaster of hormones as we try to make a small Johnsonette, combined with the grief of figuring out a life without Dad. It's still so very raw, every day. I'm better at pushing it aside for work lately, but whenever I'm allowed to think about it, it still overcomes me. Brings me to tears on the way to work, or knocks my breath out without warning. I thought I knew death before 2007. I had no fucking idea.
Since then, I've occasionally vocalized how I consider myself a writer, but when it comes to that level of loss, there are no words. I'm slowly, ever so slowly, finally finding my words again. They aren't words that will heal anyone else necessarily, but perhaps by hitting the keyboard, I can start to find some peace for me on the subject.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Thursday musings
I'm restless and angry and tired this week, which makes me grateful for the Chamblin's run we did this past weekend, as it gave me a bunch of new (to me) Kathy Reichs books to lose myself in at night and at lunchtime. I'm someone who can read stuff over and over without getting bored, plus there are enough volumes out now on the adventures of Temperance Brennan to keep it interesting no matter which one you pick up. She's a pip, and the forensic end of it is interesting as hell to me...
The new incentive plan was revealed at work; it'll go into effect in 2 pay periods. Yippee. Once again, they've set the bar a pinch too high. Not impossible, just enough to make you work so hard you feel like your brain has turned to oatmeal and begun leaking out your ears by the end of the day, as you stumble bleary-eyed toward your car. But I press on, because in this economy it's the only choice. And I'm recognizing that I need to train myself in certain areas, before I can demand more than what I make now at another employer. Still, living with the frustration in the meantime, not so fun...wearing jeans more during the week now helps, but it also punctuates the feeling/knowledge that I've stopped giving a damn. Which is fine, I mean, everybody's a little jaded around here, just gotta keep that from bleeding over when communicating with a higher-up.
Also inquired about the QC supervisor position again, because it was listed on the incentive sheet...and got the same song and dance about not for the near future. Also caught a vibe that reinforced my position that they're fine with the position itself, just not with any of the candidates who've voiced interest. Not that I'm paranoid or anything /:)
Coworker voiced it well this morning as we were hitting buttons for our respective floors on the elevator..."Which one of those buttons will take us to Friday?"
The new incentive plan was revealed at work; it'll go into effect in 2 pay periods. Yippee. Once again, they've set the bar a pinch too high. Not impossible, just enough to make you work so hard you feel like your brain has turned to oatmeal and begun leaking out your ears by the end of the day, as you stumble bleary-eyed toward your car. But I press on, because in this economy it's the only choice. And I'm recognizing that I need to train myself in certain areas, before I can demand more than what I make now at another employer. Still, living with the frustration in the meantime, not so fun...wearing jeans more during the week now helps, but it also punctuates the feeling/knowledge that I've stopped giving a damn. Which is fine, I mean, everybody's a little jaded around here, just gotta keep that from bleeding over when communicating with a higher-up.
Also inquired about the QC supervisor position again, because it was listed on the incentive sheet...and got the same song and dance about not for the near future. Also caught a vibe that reinforced my position that they're fine with the position itself, just not with any of the candidates who've voiced interest. Not that I'm paranoid or anything /:)
Coworker voiced it well this morning as we were hitting buttons for our respective floors on the elevator..."Which one of those buttons will take us to Friday?"
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Rain
I dig it. My Lil Sis and I were conversing about this recently, she doesn't like to get wet. Me, I kind of love it. And these days, it can only improve my hairstyle. Summer's a crappy time for me to be growing out the mane...with my thickness in this humidity, I'm enjoying serious Hermione hair lately. It's a Harry Potter reference...work with me here, people!
We've got a nice thunderboomer passing through this afternoon, and for some reason it reminded me of childhood. We moved to Warren (CT) in the early '80s, and cable TV hadn't hit the backwoods yet. Even when it did, of course, it was nothing like the surplus of garbage we have now, but I digress...so if a storm was coming and we were short on entertainment, we'd kill the lights in the main part of the house and watch it come up from Danbury in our living room. The house on Above All was this great Cape Cod-style with a big-ass, solid (not sectioned) bay window facing south in the living room. Dad got a kick out of weather, and that house's location gave us plenty. We had a wind meter on the roof, one of those things with the cups, that measured velocity, until the weather finally blew the sucker off :)
We've got a nice thunderboomer passing through this afternoon, and for some reason it reminded me of childhood. We moved to Warren (CT) in the early '80s, and cable TV hadn't hit the backwoods yet. Even when it did, of course, it was nothing like the surplus of garbage we have now, but I digress...so if a storm was coming and we were short on entertainment, we'd kill the lights in the main part of the house and watch it come up from Danbury in our living room. The house on Above All was this great Cape Cod-style with a big-ass, solid (not sectioned) bay window facing south in the living room. Dad got a kick out of weather, and that house's location gave us plenty. We had a wind meter on the roof, one of those things with the cups, that measured velocity, until the weather finally blew the sucker off :)
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Life's a swing
Man, lemme tellya, it's a blast being only half on very necessary medication. Just spent the last 48 hours with my little black cloud over my head, and it didn't dawn on me til the middle of last night that it was just another depressive mood swing. Perfectly normal for me. What do I expect? I'm on a nearly untherapeutic amount of Paxil, no lithium, and I eat like a college male. Tack on some candida headaches the past couple of days, and it's yet another wake-up call. Geez, this gets old.
Turns out reading about exercising isn't enough...you have to actually do some. Last two days reminded me that while it's OK to take some much -needed time to yourself, knitting, reading or whatever, that I'd of course feel better if I went walking. Now granted, it's nearly impossible for someone my size to walk in Florida in July except at very specific times of day. The heat headache starts before your heart rate even gets going. I need a treadmill. There is a treadmill at the microscopic fitness facility at my complex, but if there's anyone else in there, it gets smelly fast...the place is literally the size of a bedroom. Anyway, I'm looking at the cheap treadmills at the evil big box store since my birthday's coming up, and in the meantime, doing what I can, getting back on the Kathy Smith kick while watching TV in the evenings, because I have the Heart Walk at the end of September and the Autism Walk in November. Autism Walk, I'm betting, will be just around the track at UNF...they made the one in Orlando very easy since there were so many autistic kids that come to that. But the Heart Walk's a mere 2 months away, it's a 5K, and it's downtown. Wish it was at Riverside, but I think it's Metro Park again...oh well. So I'm reading up on how to treat my body while I start exercising carefully.
While I'm at it, I'm changing the old eating habits again. Helps that we haven't a shred of extra dough for 2 weeks...whatever's in the cabinets will have to do. We're doing pork stir-fry one night this week, I have some salad stuff, and there's a pot roast in the freezer that'll feed us for most of next week. That'll be my last red meat for a while, as I'm going to be working conscientiously at lowering my blood numbers. Cholesterol is passable, but triglycerides are abysmal (unless you're a 400-pound man). Trimming my sugars and fats, switching my ice cream at night for yogurt. My docs thumb their noses at diet soda, but I'm switching...can't have regular diet soda because I'm allergic to aspartame (Nutrasweet/Equal), but apparently Publix makes a diet with Splenda (thank you, Meara!!). While I'm changing habits, that'll be better for me than the decaf sweet tea I currently down at night...until I'm pg ::crosses fingers:: and watching my caffeine intake more carefully.
Baby steps. I'm feeling better today.
Turns out reading about exercising isn't enough...you have to actually do some. Last two days reminded me that while it's OK to take some much -needed time to yourself, knitting, reading or whatever, that I'd of course feel better if I went walking. Now granted, it's nearly impossible for someone my size to walk in Florida in July except at very specific times of day. The heat headache starts before your heart rate even gets going. I need a treadmill. There is a treadmill at the microscopic fitness facility at my complex, but if there's anyone else in there, it gets smelly fast...the place is literally the size of a bedroom. Anyway, I'm looking at the cheap treadmills at the evil big box store since my birthday's coming up, and in the meantime, doing what I can, getting back on the Kathy Smith kick while watching TV in the evenings, because I have the Heart Walk at the end of September and the Autism Walk in November. Autism Walk, I'm betting, will be just around the track at UNF...they made the one in Orlando very easy since there were so many autistic kids that come to that. But the Heart Walk's a mere 2 months away, it's a 5K, and it's downtown. Wish it was at Riverside, but I think it's Metro Park again...oh well. So I'm reading up on how to treat my body while I start exercising carefully.
While I'm at it, I'm changing the old eating habits again. Helps that we haven't a shred of extra dough for 2 weeks...whatever's in the cabinets will have to do. We're doing pork stir-fry one night this week, I have some salad stuff, and there's a pot roast in the freezer that'll feed us for most of next week. That'll be my last red meat for a while, as I'm going to be working conscientiously at lowering my blood numbers. Cholesterol is passable, but triglycerides are abysmal (unless you're a 400-pound man). Trimming my sugars and fats, switching my ice cream at night for yogurt. My docs thumb their noses at diet soda, but I'm switching...can't have regular diet soda because I'm allergic to aspartame (Nutrasweet/Equal), but apparently Publix makes a diet with Splenda (thank you, Meara!!). While I'm changing habits, that'll be better for me than the decaf sweet tea I currently down at night...until I'm pg ::crosses fingers:: and watching my caffeine intake more carefully.
Baby steps. I'm feeling better today.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Did I say savings account?
I'd laugh if it weren't so painful...went food shopping, indulged a little here and there and the upshot is that we'll be lucky to afford his smokes after the rent and electric get paid. I'm really tiring of this...I mean, it's harder to budget when you don't have a fixed income, never mind that I don't make enough for the both of us. I'm feeling a bit lost. Must shore up the ole motivation once again, and poke Husby with my stick...because we're still trying for small people and lord knows what we'll do if I get stuck on bedrest or something...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)