Stream of consciousness

That moment when you watched Ally McBeal and she had one of her fantasy sequences and you thought, "ha! I'm not the only one!"

That moment when you watched a JD fantasy sequence on Scrubs and thought, "ha! I'm not the only one!"

That moment in Broadcast News when Albert Brooks says to Holly Hunter, "OK, I'll meet you at that place by the thing where we went that time..." and you totally got what he was saying.....

I'm in the middle of Let's Pretend This Never Happened by Jenny Lawson (aka The Bloggess). Good stuff, quite funny, in that delightful I-can't-read-this-at-work-cuz-I'll-attract-attention-with-my-laughter funny...but as she's delving into what makes her, her special brand of crazy, I'm reading it and thinking, sonofaBITCH, why didn't anyone ever give me this diagnosis?

We'll skip right over the fact that I probably shouldn't be borrowing diagnoses from someone who's a pinch crazier than myself....

Generalized anxiety disorder, or social anxiety disorder, that is. Cuz I'm reading parts of this book and thinking, "ohmygod, this lady must be my mom's 2nd lovechild after Jeff Dunham, she has to be, because I like, totally get EVERYTHING she's discussing because I've so been there!"

Now granted, maybe they did diagnose me with that stuff, simply by prescribing me Paxil (and allowing me to stay on it for 14 frickin' years), which is supposed to assist with social anxiety. Interesting how docs are fine with prescribing and not getting on your case about talk therapy...if I wasn't on generics, I'd wonder about kickbacks. I guess once I stopped being a danger to myself, they could care less how my addled brain dealt with stuff.

I'm betting too, that docs shy away from using terms like generalized because well, it's just too, y'know...generalized.....but it's striking a chord because it falls away from the diagnoses I was used to hearing back in the day. Counselors, social workers, psychologists, ARNPs, and psychiatrists would come away from my sessions with notes that read "marked to moderate depression" and not much else, and I was too low on their pretty scales and charts to be categorized as bipolar. The first 3 types of folks didn't have the skills to diagnose thoroughly enough, and the latter 2 were there to write scripts and send me to the other three. Gotta love the revolving door philosophy...or I would if there weren't so many memories of panic attacks, banging my head with my hands, curling up in the fetal position, enjoying the after-effects of whip-its while watching MTV's AMP...but I digress....

So I latched onto the lithium deficiency diagnosis once we started drawing and testing my red cells, because I've always been a cause-and-effect gal—brain's goofy, brain doesn't make lithium, brain has a reason for being goofy. But that doesn't always help explain why I am what I am, especially now, when I'm back on the lithium and while it's taking the edge off, I'm already wondering if I need more because there's still plenty going on upstairs to distract me from things that I need to focus on, but of course, then there's the question of taking so much of it that you're basically poisoning yourself (which really doesn't make sense when you consider your brain doesn't make the stuff and metabolizes what you do take so quickly, that you wonder how the frick it's possible to take too much...), AND also if you take too much lithium, it flattens out your personality, you lose the ability to react properly to everyday stuff, and life becomes ho-hum, which is why so many bipolars go off it once their symptoms start to abate, because it totally takes away that "god, I'm so ALIVE" feeling...which, since I can totally relate to, makes me start wondering if I've always been a little bipolar and just wasn't diagnosed accurately.....

And now I'm talking myself out of it yet again, the idea of having social anxiety disorder, because while I can be a bit of a recluse, I don't stress over it...and I can still get up in front of crowds and speak without worry of my head spinning off its axis and flying around the room. Thank you, Dale Carnegie. I don't stress over much of anything. When something doesn't go my way, I'm all, well, must've happened for a reason, no point in crying over spilt milk, where's the towel?

Yea, Melanie, that's the Paxil doing its job, ya dink!

Yea, but if it was really doing its job, wouldn't my brain be less like THIS?!

And the hilarious thing is that while I'm debating this and "not" stressing over how nutty I still am, I've been spending my 40s saying how I really don't mind how I am anymore, that it's shaped my personality, it is what it is, so why keep trying to change what you can't? But if that's totally true, what was the point of this hysterically long post, right?

Melanie's world is special. Stop in sometime...we have cookies.

Surreal

 
Had to look that one up to see if I was using it correctly.....

From merriam-webster.com: adj. - marked by the intense, irrational reality of a dream.

Yea, pretty close.

My best friend in college was B. Nice guy, fun, friendly, with height that makes him kinda larger than life. It started as a crush, timing wasn't right for anything else, and I was screwed up enough to fixate on the poor guy anyway for 8. frickin'. years. But something miraculous happened in the midst of my lithium-deprived, unrequited lust...we created a solid friendship. In the weird gender politics of college life, our 20s, burgeoning adulthood, whatever, we were each other's life raft in the good and bad times. It's a precious thing.

I've let a LOT of my college memories fade to seriously fuzzy, because I was in so much existential pain at that time. College for me was skipping classes, barely making Cs, intermittent attempts at counseling, sneaking off to the $2.75 movies when I should've been in history class, climbing trees, biking at all hours to escape my thoughts, an occasional bout of self-abuse, a mild interest in conservative politics because that's where my friends were, and enough booze and parties to almost make it feel like a normal college experience.

Post-college we have stayed in touch, and communication has drifted naturally as our lives with spouses progresses. Hadn't seen him since his wedding, a year after Les and I jumped the broom. I called B. when Dad passed, because it was natural; distance, my memory, and time notwithstanding, I still consider him one of my best friends.

I sent him the annual "ha-ha, you're a year older" birthday email last week and it turned out he was going to be in town for work. He suggested we three meet for dinner and I eagerly accepted. And then went into a headspin, because I'm still insane and how weird/awkward/gah! was it gonna be and couldn't I get back on 2 lithium a day and drop 100 pounds first?

But I'd forgotten his warm, self-effacing personality, how he puts people at ease, likely without realizing he's doing it. Within moments of spotting him at the bar, we were hugging and chatting like old friends. I was wound a little tight, and probably chattery as a magpie, but a couple of beers and a good meal eased my stress and we three had a very nice time, talking and laughing, fetching up names from our past, catching up.

The catch of blocking bad memories is the danger of blocking the good ones too. That part of my life is what it is, and I can't throw it away, no matter how much I want to. That would be like wanting to block out Fort Myers, because it was my worst year medicinally in my search for meds that would treat my illness, when Fort Myers also gave me Les, my greatest gift in life. Life ain't supposed to be separated like that; and to try to, is to do a disservice to your personal growth.

Image from here.

Just another manic...

yea, there's no meaning behind this image other than that it's puuuuuurty...

I'm tired today. We went to the Shrimp Festival yesterday, which should be renamed the Art Festival with Shrimp and Pirates on the Side. The heat was pretty intense, which is funny when you consider it wasn't as bad as it would've been if they held the thing in July. We took it slow, which I'm grateful for now, because while I had amazing energy while we were there, once we were heading home, the effects of being outdoors sunk in. I'm actually surprised Husby's awake today, kind of figured he'd sleep through today to recuperate. Yet another wake-up call about how we need to get in shape. I know the heat affects everyone this way, a bit, but it knocks you flat when you're big, and that's just lame. Husby's not overweight, but his endurance needs some work.

It's ridiculous OT land this week. They're threatening mandatory OT on Saturday, which I am pretty much refusing to participate in. I have a date with the woods, the beach, my Husby, and a bottle of something...and I'll be damned if they can dictate forced work on Saturday, when they've been defining OT periods from Saturday to Sunday for the last 6 months. Gotta love the work/money, but I ain't working on a day when my mind is scheduled to be permanently elsewhere.

Dinner with my best friend from college tonight...should be surreal. Haven't seen him in 12 years, I think. Came together pretty fast, no time to drop 100 pounds and brush up on my conservative politics...ah well.

My mind is on loss this week, but also on the gifts that are left behind. Several bloggers and friends have lost pets recently, and the beauty of those relationships isn't lost on me. We have just the one cat, and she's kind of bipolar, but we adore her, and we look forward to owning more cats and dogs once we have a house. Those relationships are so important.

Mind wandering...better get back to work...

Image from here.

Taking Stock

Wednesday again already? What the frick?

Outside: Florida

Inside: annoying, but better than yesterday

Wearing: mock turtle for prob last time this season...too frickin' warm out for 'em...sniff...

Creating: yea, OK, next...not counting the spinach, white bean, and sweet potato soup that I made Monday, that's so far afield from what we're used to, that neither of us wants to eat it.....

Reading: Let's Pretend This Never Happened ... pretty delightful so far...still ain't bringing it to work; as it's also hysterical.

Going: Home, work, home, work, home, work, work, work.....

Hoping:
I can't pretend I'm enjoying the OT this week. But the system went down last night and afforded me an early evening, which helped. Recognizing when I need to focus inward. Tonight I pick up my orthotics, so hopefully the arthritis in my right foot will calm the fuck down now; it's been a bitch on wheels this week. So's the diet motivation, but we're getting low on dough, so that should make for better choices.

Image from here.

Beltane

Can't ya just like, hear the rain falling in that picture?

I've enjoyed it in the past, Beltane, May Day. It's a celebration of fertility, a high holy day for pagans. The veil between the worlds is thin, the earth breathes deeply as new life comes up, and beings are most alive during this time. Never actually danced around a may pole, but they sure are purty.

However this month in particular, my moon cycle is also late for no reason, and I'm feeling heavily the lack of fertility going on around here. I can't plant, there's absolutely no point in trying. The chances of my getting pregnant right now run in the 5% range. I'm 42½. The ache is quite present today.

Coworker lent me the Bloggess' new book, Let's Pretend This Never Happened. It's so laugh-out-loud funny, I didn't bring it to work because I didn't want to draw attention to myself. Pretty sure I should've brought it anyway, cuz my mood could definitely use a boost today.

Dad would be so flummoxed about us still hurting 5 years later. Guy had lousy self-esteem, but it wasn't just that. I totally get his thinking, because I've definitely inherited the "stop crying, clean up the milk, move on" mindset about like, every situation in my life otherwise.

Les ranted long and hard yesterday about the asshat pharmacies turning him away because they don't have his meds in their stock, and because they are Sched II narcotics, they have no way of knowing when they'll come in (which sounds like a load, but probably is true, because to give those suckers a normal delivery schedule is to put a bullseye on any pharmacy that carries them.....never mind that Husby's pharmacy is right next to a new primary care place that I'm pretty sure doubles as a script-happy pain clinic...). And I listened and tried hard not to say, "well, nothing you can do but call around to the other pharmacies..." because he knows this, but ranting helps him feel better, not so persecuted. He can't stand feeling like he's being treated like a drug seeker, and I totally get that...he watches his sis run out of meds every 2 weeks (on a month's supply), while he barely uses what he gets, and he's the one who gets shit on.

It's there on the calendar, May 12th, glaring at me, and I'll be glad to get past it. I think we're definitely ready for a vacation too...I'll be glad to travel soon, even just to visit family.

Image from here.

Ah, Monday...

A pinch out of sorts today...just little stuff...went to make my coffee and discovered that it tastes a lot better if you actually remember to put grounds in before you turn the sucker on...couldn't find my little pill bag this morning on my desk, was baffled as to where it had gone to, until I realized it must be back in my purse, because my pills were already out on said desk...things that make you sigh....and remember your warm, toasty bed.....

The lithium has definitely raised my spirits though, and combined with the vitamin B12, has me more focused and awake during the day, which is nice. Did OT on Saturday, came home, napped a bit, then went and got my hair trimmed. He took a bunch off the bottom, which makes it almost all one length in the back...I miss the length a little, but I'm so glad it's even now. Feels healthier too and I look forward to playing with it a little more...gotta find more styles than just the boring ponytail now that summer's here...

Once we start sweating, I consider it summer. We're probably past the point of being able to open windows at night, and I need to buy some T-shirts. Trying to lighten our meals a bit. Remembering to put foundation or sunscreen on before I go to work, something with an SPF. Don't mind browning up the arms, but the face gets major splotchy if I'm not careful...thank you, Irish lineage...

All that OT and I still can't afford sneaks yet....amazing how real life gets in the way. I am picking up my orthotics on Wednesday, though, thank the gods! Just one more check...harder to begrudge it when I'm feeling better about my food purchases lately, more organics (or close to), more homemade foods, less packaged...baby steps...

Been so pretty out, thought about buying potting soil and seeds, but stopped myself. I know it's just not worth it right now....which makes me nuts and motivates me to plan the move. Husby's first act this morning was throwing water on the feral duck that was kicking my pots all over our porch, trying to find a place to nest. Really makes me wish we had a varmint rifle....and didn't live in the city limits...

May is bearing down on me a bit...Dad memories slipping to the surface more often. I couldn't get any time off around that day, which is probably a blessing, but the 12th is a Saturday this year. I'll hit the arboretum, maybe the beach. Meara and Mom were very smart about this anniversary; they won't even be in country. Mom's never even traveled outside the US; so they're going to Ireland. Wish they could put me in their suitcase for the trip...

I have laundry and cooking waiting for me tonight, meal prep for the week, and then OT the rest of the week. In addition to the hearty checks it produces, there's a company contest going on with some decent prizes up for grabs. Here's hoping!

Image from here.

Taking Stock

I think I'll need many of these metal bushel baskets for container gardening in the future...actually, just changed my mind, as I'm thinking metal would be scorching to the plants. Hate plastic though...will stick with terra cotta.

Sure is purty though.

Man, time flies...how is it Wednesday? Did a little OT on Saturday, then relaxed. This week brings more OT and the promise of a nice, fat check for buying a few things and saving a bit for Husby's b'day in May.

The lithium is doing its job nicely. While it does flatten things out a bit, I think it helps my metabolism, so I might decrease the B12 supplement I'm taking and see what happens. My body is a backwards temple.

Eating habits are a mix this week, but I had blood work done too, so I'm betting the come-to-jesus effect of those numbers will get me back on track. Also, been actually reading the recipes in the Clean Food books and a lot of them are in our comfort zone. I ain't diving into the fennel and bok choy yet, but anything's better than McD's...

Outside: we had 2 days of bliss, cool enough to open windows. Alas, we're getting back to normal now, 80s today and 90s the next 2 days...my mood must be changing because this warmth has me thinking about buying skirts (and anyone who knows me, knows what a tomboy I am...). Loving the warmth on my arms and face, feels like I'm recharging my batteries...

Inside: busy...they put a lucky few of us on a project, which has me more focused, while cursing it under my breath...also, training newbies makes for a noisier area.

Wearing: my frankenstein shoes and recognizing that they're more a fall/winter shoe.....now, how to explain my desire to buy dress sneaks for summer to Husby, who's quite male on the subject of female shoe acquisition...

Creating: hmm...yea, little dry here. Paycheck should allow me to indulge in new recipes this weekend though.

Reading: The Dragon Reborn...after a hiatus, I'm back on that series.

Going: up to SC soon, but not this weekend.

Hoping:
My mood continues to maintain its lightness. SUCH a nice change.

Image from here.

Oh, THERE I am...

My gods.

My body metabolizes lithium fairly quickly...I used to go for a fasting bloodwork while on a full dose, and have the number come back below par. So the benefits of being back on it don't take long.

I'm pretty sure that lithium for me is like xanax. Because the first thing I notice is the calm, like someone's airbrushed all the rough edges off my day. I walk outside and I'm not pissed that it's warm out, even though I'm wearing black. I take the long way to my lunch destination, so I can enjoy the drive. I'm making myself focus at work, and I'm not quite so impatient with life.

These things happen so quickly, I do recognize that there's probably just a slight placebo effect corresponding with the "idea" of being back on lithium, but I'm pretty sure what I'm feeling is mostly real. The thing is, it's so damn subtle it makes you wonder, even though it's obvious I'm on the real thing...the generic version hasn't changed in appearance in the last 5 years. Another bit of familiarity in the whole sitch that makes me smile...

So. frickin'. subtle. I could weep with the relief. Can relief have an ache? Cuz I've got a good psychic ache going on right now.

(Which gets me thinking about if I'm even meant to carry kids...not getting into that right now, just has me thinking...)

Makes me want to go to my boss's office and say, "hey, I'm back on lithium! you don't have to worry about me speaking too harshly anymore!" That's one of the coolest things about the lithium: I may think you're a douchebag, but I can keep myself from voicing that fact. Not so much, without it. Makes me very "real," but not as pleasant to be around.

Still buried in OT, but it's not overwhelming...I'll be done tomorrow and can get to my real work, knocking out goals. A little dining room organization, a little meal planning and cooking...we're due for some rain, and I look forward to smelling it.

Image from here.

Taking Stock

How I felt in the doctor's office today...weight hasn't changed one iota. Didn't really expect it to, but there's always that hope...

Luckily, my newish doctor is a doll...started me on the new Rx on my word as a former nutbar and ordered the appropriate bloodwork for the file. And she's a runner and health nut, so seeing her gives me a lift, reminds me of how I'd like to live.

Outside: Florida.

Inside: annoying.

Wearing: nothing noteworthy.

Creating: money.

Reading: The Contrary Farmer by Gene Logsdon and Taproot.

Going: hopefully to the farmer's market on Saturday....ANY farmers' market!

Hoping...
I can keep the OT from shredding me too badly and get some stuff done this weekend. I'm going to get back to the Y. I'm going to continue eating healthy. Did some yoga last night, which helped. I'm going to continue packing and purging. I'm hoping to start organizing my thoughts regarding the move: potential towns, potential job markets, potential living areas. I'm going to be kind to myself.

Image from here.

Marking time

When we have a house, my dining room table will have a table runner, placemats, and napkins made of some kind of cloth...

I'm buried in OT this week, but my thoughts are outdoors. Jenna and Amanda were both rewarded with lambs this week, and the pics are exquisite. I can feel the oh-so-soft fleece run through my fingers as I pet the lambs, checking that their eyes and ears are clear. I can feel my now-practiced hands running over the mother ewe's body, ensuring that everything that was supposed to happen during labor has. My fingers are breaking up clods left by the hand tiller, so I can plant seedlings. I reach into the nesting boxes to gather eggs, and my eyes scrutinize the flock for signs of illness. I push my bangs out of my eyes and it leaves dirt streaks across my forehead.

It can't be bad to indulge these dreams. Keeps me sane, if a little wistful. I know it'll be years before we can afford "real" livestock (the kind with 4 hooves), but I hope to at least start a garden at our first rental house. The OT this week will be a bitch, but it'll finally get me into my new custom orthotics and sneakers (assuming the car trouble is behind us for now).

I'm back reading the Encyclopedia of Country Living and thinking about other references I want in my library. I'm thinking about making meals from home again, and learning to can and make dairy products. Spring has brought a surge of things I want to learn. I caved to bad food today at lunch, because I didn't have it in me to open a can of tuna this morning...what the hell?! When we have wheat bread coming out of our ears at home, because there was a BOGO deal @ Publix! I will be SO glad to be back on the lithium, even just for a little while. It orders my thoughts and gives me such focus.

Image from here.

Mental Monday Musings

I'm calm today. Those look good, may have to make them this week.

The weekend was interesting. I plowed through the rest of the Hunger Games trilogy, reading them so fast I know I missed stuff, but the plot is such that you want to know what's going to happen like, right! friggin'! now! I want to reread them now, more thoroughly, but I need a break first. They're damn difficult to read, for someone like me, who's no longer quite so desensitized to death. I'd revisit similar scenarios in my dreams at night. Though, might be a blessing in disguise, because I came to a decision this weekend too. Been listening to my body, my mind, the way I'm coping with life and OT and stuff...and I'm going to the doc this week to talk about going back on the lithium for awhile.

Very difficult decision. I'm certainly not giving up on having kids, not yet. But the truth of it is that we're going to need to save (for IVF) in order to really try probably, and that's not happening in the near future. The move is first, and before that, repairing credit and buying a decent pair of sneakers and unforeseen car issues (more on that in a sec)...and I will handle things a lot better if I give my brain a break. If some miracle were to happen while I was on the stuff, all we could do is cold turkey and pray. I'm OK with that, because the alternative right now is no longer getting the job done.

Not getting the promotion earlier this year was eye-opening. It showed me that, while I may not mind (myself) the personality quirks that come to the surface as a result of no natural lithium, I don't like the feeling that those quirks could hold me back from jobs I'm otherwise entirely able to do (there's a whole sub-conversation there, about how I'm happier as a drone than as a manager, so why am I letting this bother me, but that's too woolly a topic to get into here...). Turns out, I do give a small crap about how others see me. That whole not-getting-the-promotion thing left me feeling like, "I know I'm unspooled, but I hate that you see that I'm unspooled, because while that is certainly me, it's short-sighted to think it would hold me back enough to not be a viable choice for harder jobs...so you're douchebags and I'm not changing for you, but wait, maybe I do need a change..."

Yea, that's a long one...I think too much. And a part of me still doesn't give enough of a crap about what others think, because I'm never going to be one of those who can buy into the corporate culture enough to be a suit. I'm too liberal, life's too short, would rather be writing and running my little farm than creating websites selling crap that people don't need...but I like to eat and keep a roof over my head, so I'll maintain my worker bee status for that.

So Husby woke up chipper on Saturday (we switch personalities occasionally), and he was determined to get us out of the house, even for a little while, to combat depression, so we went to his smoke shop in Mandarin...and the car died. We both spent the first half hour kicking ourselves for not listening to our father's voices in our heads when the dash lights came on 2 weeks ago...and then we called for a tow and spent the day getting the alternator replaced. Thank goodness I got paid Friday, but there went any surplus we had on that check, which means pushing out doc appointments and orthotics and sneakers yet again.

I'm through using those as an excuse not to exercise though; getting my happy ass back to the Y this week. Felt so good just walking outdoors yesterday to do laundry. I need the sun on my face.

Image from here.

Gotta love a Friday

We have one upholstered chair that's covered in old woobies. It acts as Les's gaming chair until we can get him something more suitable. I have another wing chair that I keep in the bedroom, which I rescued from eminent landfill status during a friend's move, which they had found @ the Goodwill. It's not quite big enough to hold me cross-legged, but it gets the job done. I think I'll be spending quite a bit of time in it this weekend.

I heart a good chair for curling up and reading, knitting, dreaming...

Not taking advantage of the Write on Edge prompt this Friday, but my wheels are turning. There's a trailer out right now for a rom-com called The Five-Year Engagement, chronicling a ridiculously long engagement between Jason Segel and Emily Blunt. There's a flash of scene where a little girl shoots an arrow into Emily's leg. It's supposed to be funny, a reference to the latest Hunger Games publicity, thanks to the movie and book successes. I'm enjoying the heck out of the books, but there's an essay forming in my head about how kids are growing up too quickly and media is a huge culprit. Will be writing this weekend...

OT tonight and then my weekend's free. Thank goodness, because we slipped a little this week. Nothing huge, just some thinking and planning to do. This year's going by damn fast.

Image from here.

Taking Stock

April's not bringing showers, just smoke. It was so thick this morning, I wondered how close it is to the city limits, because there's no wind today. Little flecks of ash on my car. North Florida has turned into California, just in the last 5 years. I assume it's the Okeefenokee, because the local news is barely reporting the fires themselves, just the smoke. Weiners.

Outside: warmish, smells like wood.

Inside: snore.

Wearing: Danskos.....seriously awesome shoes.

Creating: a tuna casserole from Eating Well last night. I'm finding that the Eating Well recipes need more spice; they're awfully bland. Still, was very glad I threw that together last night, as I've slipped off the good food wagon a bit in the last week (thank you, Easter candy!), and it shows widescreen in my mood.....I was ready to kill someone yesterday afternoon. Serious irrational anger. Like, take PMS and multiply it times 1,000. Courtesy of Zaxby's. Significant lesson there.

Reading: Hunger Games...yes, I joined the herd. Damn good, so far. Love me a kick-ass heroine.

Going: yea, right...gas $3.90/gal. I haven't even made it to the farmers market downtown yet.

Hoping:
Gas prices plateau or drop, my attitude improves, I can get some cleaning and planning done this weekend. The usual. Asked for time off in June, hoping to plan a trip to SC for scouting. Fingers crossed.

Image from here.

Junior high

Amazing how those two words can make the average adult cringe.

Couldn't quite manage the word count, but here again, I'm not organized yet....still figuring out when the prompts are. Didn't realize this one was given to us on Friday, so I just now dashed off what's below. I definitely still have it in me.

Prompt: Finding Beauty in Awkwardness

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wasn’t a popular kid, wasn’t an outcast either. I wasn’t worldly back then either, by any stretch of the imagination. My parents were emotionally stunted individuals, and my siblings and I were raised in a sheltered environment.

So when I was in 9th grade, and I got a phone call from a boy, B, in 8th, who said he thought I was pretty and intelligent and did I want to meet up with him the next day at school, I was floored. Who in the world would take notice of a mouse like me? I had an only OK body in my opinion, and I was too shy to speak out in class; and I didn’t come from the town where all the cool kids lived.

I remember being overwhelmed with nervousness, both as I talked to him on the phone and as I thought about my situation afterward. We were to meet before lunchtime, in front of the display case in the English hallway.

I paid special attention to my wardrobe that evening, probably laid out clothes the night before...a nice top, a straight skirt, my beige Grasshopper flats. I took pains to look nice that day, which didn’t help my nervousness, but did help me feel pretty.

At lunchtime the next day, I went to the display case in the hallway where the English classrooms were.

I waited.

And waited.

And waited.

The second bell rang…and it became clear that I had been stood up. I was confused, and I didn’t even think of it as “being stood up” at first. I really didn’t have a clue about social interaction at that age. I wondered what had happened to him, if he was alright. Like maybe he had to go to the nurse’s office?

I headed to the lunchroom, got my lunch, and sat down with my usual girlfriends, C and H.

And H, who had a personality gift for sounding superior and making you feel like you were 5 inches tall, asks me, “so, how was your date with B?”

I was stunned. I asked her, “how did you know about that?”

She responded, “oh, T was telling everyone about how he played this trick on you…”

I blocked out her remaining words as my face flushed red and I blinked back tears. I was so embarrassed I wanted to disappear, but I wouldn’t give H the satisfaction of seeing that reaction. H belonged to the cool clique. H was sharing in their merriment at my expense. I couldn’t wait to get out of there and go to my next class.

My face still burning, H scoffed, "you didn't get dressed up just for him, didya?" Luckily, I had the presence of mind to laugh and say "of course not!"

In class after lunch, the embarrassment still stung hard; it would take me quite a while to get over those emotions and bury the rest. The resentment shaped my feelings about that whole crowd for the remainder of my time at that school.

But as I looked back on it, I also remembered the nice top I wore, the favorite skirt, and how pretty I felt. And I knew that B had missed out on something special.


RemembeRED is an exercise from Write On Edge.

Personal philosophy

Maybe.

Still ready to write this Monday off the books, though.

Gone knitting, back soon.

Image from here.

Trying my hand @ Write on Edge

I've talked here before about having a novel in the can. Actually, it's trapped on a 3½" floppy, but that's beside the point...the point is I consider myself a writer and I haven't put pen to paper or fingers to keyboard for my own "stuff" in years.

I have a coworker who's a writing machine. She edits sites for 8 hours a day, then goes home and works on her freelance business, pinch-hits articles for the local papers, and tucks into her own novel. This girl has the bug, and it bit hard. I used to think that would be me.

Do I still want it to be? And if so, how do I bring it back into the light?

Found one way, maybe. This isn't anything yet...it's the seed of a story I've had rattling around in my head for ages. Girl on a train, going where? But I cranked out 350 words like it was nothing, which begs the question, why the blank aren't I writing more?! If I don't consider myself a storyteller, then cheat, use prompts, and see where it leads.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Prompt: Introduce an element of romance.

He’s really not coming…


The train lurched forward and I grabbed at the bunk to catch my balance. My stomach hurt with the weight of the words we had thrown at each other as the taxi had honked for me outside the house. I blinked back tears and shifted my shoulders, so the heavy knapsack could slide off. I swung it up to the top bunk and placed my duffle on the lower bed.

Maybe he’ll meet me up there?

We’d been planning this trip for months, a nice break from reality before we both start grad school and new jobs. I hadn’t found a solid gig yet, but was freelancing. He’d found a job this past week. The downside: they wanted him to start now. Since he’d been out of work for years prior to this, he was afraid to tell them no, to say he needed the customary 2 weeks.

I’d been unfair, and I blinked back tears now, thinking about how we’d argued. We never argue, never-ever, and the foreignness of these feelings made me break down now, as I crumpled into a sitting position on the uncomfortable couch opposite the bunks. The rhythm of the train increased, but the sound of it didn’t soothe me as it normally would have. I grabbed at my cell phone to call him, but of course, there was no signal.

There was a knock on the cabin door. I assumed it was the conductor, so I wiped frantically at my face and ran my hands through my hair as I got up to open the door.

He took me in his arms as I gasped out “I’m sorry.” The tears came back in a rush, and we kissed and embraced as I sobbed. I pulled him into the cabin and tossed his bag on the couch in a single movement as my hands moved over his body. His hands reached up to cup my face as he kissed me tenderly and said “please don’t cry, it’s OK. I’m here.”

Button from here.

Still wouldn't mind taking that Carpentry class...

So last night I was attending a high school open house of sorts and attempting to register for classes, in spite of the fact that I'm 42 years old and have no business going back to high school. I was trying to do it on the sly and not have them figure out that I'm already a graduate, while simultaneously trying to figure out how I was going to finagle carrying a full load of classes while still maintaining my full-time job of website editing. Was going to have to shift my schedule around some at work. So I'm going over that in my head, while signing up for junior classes (English, Algebra II, US History, Chem) when I realize that I left my grey sweater in the gymnasium on the bleachers somewhere. So I go back to look for it, but someone's already taken it to lost and found, and when I stand in line there to retrieve said sweater, I'm told they're closed already and that I need to come back tomorrow. Since the weather is inclement, I decide to hang around until people have dissipated enough and then sneak back in and grab it from the rather massive warehouse area where lost and found items are being kept. This area, it turns out, is being managed/overseen by Shohreh Aghdashloo, whose acting and voice I love...but something was a little off about her here, which no one was eager to share with me. They turned me out again, but I snuck back in to grab my sweater, and that's when I saw that she had been turned into a malevolent red-eyed, dragon-like creature...looked like a dragon that had survived a holocaust, burnt to a crisp, but still alive. I hid as it soared out of the building and then landed not far away, and appeared to be sniffing/sensing my presence. It terrified me, but that was also when I discovered that I had the sword in my hand that was meant to kill it, a heavy, fancy hilted thing with a stone in the pommel. I stood, repositioned the sword in my hand, and walked slowly toward the creature...

The scene shifted and suddenly I was back in the school, explaining to the old, imposing woman in registration that I needed my new schedule, so that I could coordinate my work schedule with it, and she tells me that I still have to choose one elective. Most of the electives are weak or things I have no interest in (jewelry making, basket weaving, pottery), but when she mentions carpentry, I'm on it like white on rice. To be able to make my own bookcases! We need those so damn much! So I head right to the classroom/workshop where the carpentry classes are going to be held, so I can meet the teachers, learn more about what we'll be learning, and I meet Beau and Jeff Bridges (yes, the actors) both working on something in the workshop. They're not the teachers, he's a no-face behind a drafting table covered with supplies that fascinate me, and as he starts to go into all that we'll be learning, I wake up.

Glad this weekend's Easter. I think I need to lay off the jellybeans.

Image from here.

I really should Twitter, but I haven't the attention span.....

I get my best material (in my opinion, and let's face it, that's who matters here, she says with tongue planted firmly in cheek) while iChatting with my Lil Sis throughout the workday. It's a means of staying sane while trapped in cubicle world, chained to a keyboard. Quite a life raft actually, as there's only so much bad writing one can stomach about paving contractors and auto repair shops before you find yourself wondering just how far the monitor would soar if you heaved it across the cubes...

I talk about missing that filter that people have, the one that allows people to succeed in politics and the law, or at least keeps you from calling people douchebags in public. But I do maintain some remnants of it, I guess, because I am able to hold down a job outside of the house. The urge to burn off steam by skipping down the aisles mid-afternoon while playing with my own boobs in my professional office environment is kept in check by the occasional rant or quip to Lil Sis. We bitch about first-world problems, ponder the Darwin award winners that surround us on a given day, and occasionally exchange actual information about family.

"Pretty sure the girl in the next cube just coughed up a hairball."

"Niiice...offer her a breath mint."

"Wasn't Mom's doc appt today?"

"Yea, but call her tomorrow, we have church tonight."

"I'll never understand what phone call is so important it can't wait until a person is done propelling 1500 pounds of metal and fiberglass through the streets of Jacksonville..."

"It's called speakerphone...embrace it."

"NEVER!!!"

"Old fart."

And so on...nothing to write to the NY Times about, but I do find myself nailing the occasional quip and going, damn, I should put that on the blog. Because I dream of opening that filter just a bit more and unleashing the Bloggess'-style wit that I have buried somewhere. In the meantime...

"Pretty sure my grades would've been better in college if there'd been Starbucks in the '90s..."

"I really think I should be allowed to go home early because I just realized my chin hair grew back..."

Eh...it's a start.

Taking Stock

Doesn't feel quite like Wednesday, thanks to my day off Monday. Not complaining.

The pic is a nod to the fact that every time I think that keeping sheep might be too much trouble down the road, I find another shepherding blogger who makes it sound amazing...I know, I know, I have almost no clue, it's a long way off, allow me my dreams...

Woke up grumpy, but I appear to be rallying. Just the usual restlessness, which started last night when I had to do a quick load of laundry amongst my colorful neighbors in a laundry room that smelled like someone else's feet...and continued as I trudged to work today at a job that tends to bore the crap outta me...

8. More. Months. Dang.

It's quite tenuous still, the move. We are going to have to sweet talk someone into renting to us. I have to find a job up there. Les finding a job would be nice too. He's talking about it more, again. I'm patient. He's quite limited in what he can do, both because of his health sitch and his education; but we'll figure something out.

Then there's the finances...the unforeseen bills that we were saddled with via my flexible spending account came at exactly the wrong time (thanks again, IRS, for systematically punishing us a little more each year for being able to save that money pre-tax). My custom orthotics are only half paid for, and I still need new sneakers. The car's OK for now, but I'm not relaxing on that; so there's additional costs to anticipate. I'm squirreling money like never before, which is a good thing; but I hate it being so earmarked, so already spent. Silly adulthood. Such is life.

Outside: tempering just a smidge, thank goodness...nearly hit 90 for 2 days there. Too dang early in the year to be sweating.

Inside: sterile.

Wearing: Husby calls 'em my Frankenstein shoes. I call 'em comfy.

Creating: hmm...muffins? Homemade pizza?

Reading: Outlander, the Terry Walters books, Encyclopedia of Country Living.

Going: yea, right...you seen those gas prices?

Hoping...
Since there's no point in killing myself for OT this week (would have to work 8 extra hours just to get into OT range, and I'm not feeling it), I'll use the time to relax and regroup. The silly intestinal distress of last weekend meant the dining area got ignored, and it's bad again...like, good thing it's nowhere near an exit, cuz it's a fire hazard over there...time to repack some boxes, purge some others, and generally keep myself busy so I don't get depressed over the fact that there's no point in spending money on dirt and seeds because the ducks keep flying up to our porch and knocking shit over.

Image from here.

Bit of a pensive week here...listening to myself a bit.

The weekend was OK. Slipped off the rails a bit as both the Hubs and myself dealt with a touch of food poisoning. Nothing too awful, but an interesting reminder about the state/perils of the food industry. We think it was the catfish from Publix, but we're not sure. Luckily, it was really mild, as food poisonings go, but still, made me very glad I've adopted this eat-from-home approach. Even though we made the meal in question, I've been feeling nothing but good about having homemade meals/snacks at hand. We're spending a pinch more money on food that's SO much better for us, and we're not spending at all during the week as a result.

Still, with OT on Saturday and a seriously out-of-sorts Sunday, I woke up Monday CRAVING sleep and still feeling bleh, so I called into work and crashed til noon (something I rarely do). Then I puttered, grocery shopped, and puttered some more, and I feel way refreshed today, thank goodness. It was a wake-up call that while I may put my brain on an autopilot of sorts to get through these OT sessions, that coping mechanism ain't exactly the healthiest state to stick around in for too long.

Made blueberry maple muffins ala Eating Well, that came out surprisingly good. Overcooked my first try at granola, but I'm sure it'll be OK with milk or yogurt accompanying. Have meal ideas in the hopper for the week, and I froze half the shepherd's pie I made last night, so it wouldn't go to waste. Haven't eaten out in more than a week. The Domino's crave hit for a short time on Sunday night, but I shoved it aside and made a barley/red bean concoction instead that ain't great, but will suffice for lunch a couple of times this week. And then I bought the fixings for homemade pizza.

Image from here.

Taking Stock

Fast week here...OT (thank goodness), good food, pokin' along...

Outside: Florida...near-record highs apparently, pretty gorgeous. Makes it harder to hate it here, but I manage...

Inside: biz cashz...partners touring today.

Wearing: my darn Eastland loafers are too large, hoping the new orthotics will help. Maybe some lamb's wool too?

Creating: did 12 rows on the cowl last night and managed to remedy a screw-up (I think), when my broken stitch marker fell off. It's for me, so I'm not overly bent if I didn't catch it exactly at the right spot, but I found I cared enough to try and get it right...about time I had some pride in my knitting for me. This weekend, different batches of muffins and cookies, and a lentil/sweet potato stew.

Reading: goodness, so much! I have 2 Gene Logsden books waiting on me @ the library, Clean Start and Clean Food arrived, and all my latest mags. My weekend is set!

Going: nowhere special...prayers that my MIL has a good visit with her SIL and that things stay OK at home. It's a horrible pressure-cooker there.

Hoping...
Have some OT to knock out Saturday, then we'll hit the dining area, sort and purge time. Hopefully. In between relaxing and cooking and enjoying life n' stuff...we've been eating better this week and it feels great, so I plan to make some meals ahead of time again. SUCH a difference having food and ideas at the ready like that.

Image from here.

Living Simpler

More than a little funny how different my weekend looked from that last post...

Friday at 4-freakin'-PM, the .com offered OT. To borrow a phrase from The Bloggess, douche canoes! It's no longer becoming a case of me not being able to say no, though...the plain truth is that we barely make ends meet with my normal checks, and every little bit helps. There's the move to save for, Les's birthday coming up, I still haven't bought sneakers...there's always room for more dough. So I snatched up 4 hours and elected to go home that night, grab dinner, and then run back to the office to get it over with....thinking that way I'd still have a full weekend.

So naturally Murphy made Saturday fly by...I'm trying to remember what I accomplished, if anything. I jumped into the dining room just long enough to make it unmanageable and then abandoned it; it's still a disaster area that I'll rearrange several times this week to make it manageable and keep paring down. I puttered a bit. I took a seriously nice nap. Don't mind really, because the sun barely made an appearance that day, lots of rain, in fact. Can't complain, we always need it. Tropical state, my arse, it's forest fire season here (dear spring breakers, please stop throwing your lit butts into our national forests, and I won't have to test out my knife-throwing skills on your tires...).

Sunday, got up, puttered. Husby was awake so he made French toast, because I wasn't sure we had enough milk for pancakes. I took advantage of his awake state to discuss the week's meals with him and made the grocery list. Hopped out to do the shopping...which was fun, because I was following the list carefully and indulging in more organic labels and no junk. Yes, I bought milk too, organic even. Quite proud of myself.

Got back home, put everything away, chilled for a bit, then got cooking. Made banana muffins, chicken pot pie, and chocolate chip cookies, all from Eating Well recipes. The muffins and cookies were great; I want to tweak the chicken pot pie some. I've made incarnations of that for years, using store-bought pie crust, Heinz gravy, Veg-All, and chicken...it's delicious, but there's a lotta "middle aisle" stuff in the mix, if you know what I mean. Since I'm getting us away from so much processed food, I used frozen veggies instead of canned and made the sauce using broth and sour cream. Eventually I intend to make my own broth, sour cream, and pie crusts, but this was a nice start. Husby liked it, said it tasted fresher.

The irony of "living simpler" is that it actually means, "spend a little more money and work your arse off,  but know you're doing better for yourself and the planet as a result." My back still aches today from all the walking and kitchen standing I did, but I feel prepared for the week and really confident that we're starting to eat better. My baking included more whole grains, less sugar. When I measure the convenience of buying garbage in a box against the satisfaction of home cooking, it's no contest, backaches and all. And it blows my mind how few people in our culture get that.

Image from here.

Full of Promise Friday

Random stuff...

Have definitely reconciled myself with not seeding just yet...will probably try herbs later, out of stubbornness, but need to do a major purge/cleaning of the apartment and porch to make it feasible. Have been poring through the Encyclopedia of Country Living, and this morning I started The New Organic Grower (not so new, 1st edition - 1989, but still way informative - I grabbed it at that goldmine we call Chamblin here in Jax). I'm in, soaking up the information like a sponge, and if my attentions continue in this manner, I'll return Outlander to the library and pick up that series another time.

Spring has me wanting to learnlearnlearn, and get my arse outdoors. Even if I can't plant, I need sun on my skin (with a healthy layer of SPFdon'tgivemyIrisharsecancer). Will be reading and knitting out on my porch this weekend, when I'm not cooking. Planning to try a muffin recipe or two, and a meal recipe or two for the week. So tired of life living me, supposed to be the other way around...

No OT this weekend...hate not having the money opp, but love the free time it allows me. I'll get up at a decent hour tomorrow morning and expend a little gas to hit RAM and Native Sun for a little produce stocking-up. Then I'll hop home, change, and hit the Y before the urge to nap hits. Gonna be a good weekend!

Image from here.

Taking Stock

Day late, dollar short...what's new?

One of those weeks where on the surface I'm ornery, because the daily grind makes me feel like life is passing me by.....but I'm actually not that discontented on the inside, because I've purchased some books and done some online research that are going to help me make better decisions and get me closer to better health and the life I want.

I'm cooking up a storm this weekend, found some great recipes that I want to try out, and started a list of dinners we've made in the past that were successful. It was larger than I thought, the list of viable meal options, and as I looked at it, I cringed to think of the money we've wasted on bad food due to laziness. I know everyone does it sometimes, but when you're a 1-income family and trying to move...just ridiculous. And then I wonder why we never get there?

I'm determined to create a meal plan weekly, so that we can get off junk/fast food for good and not be sitting on the phone when I get off work going back and forth with "I don't know, what do YOU want for dinner?" conversations. Over that with a capital O!

I'm postponing the camping trip in May, I think. Gas prices being what they are, it's not feasible, plus camping always shells out just as much dough or more than if we'd grab a hotel (food, charcoal, new tarps or tent, etc...never mind the fact that my sleeping bag has been around since junior high...). OT is drying up at work, and the next 3 months of paychecks fall at times that require belt tightening and careful spending. It's hard, this knowledge, because I want to get up there and show Les that it's feasible, when in reality I don't even know if it is...

However, I'm damn sure taking those days off in May and spending them outside, at parks, at the beach, or maybe we'll take a day trip. Can't believe it's been 5 years...

Outside: Spring in Florida, 80s with a breeze

Inside: thankfully cool enough where I can still get away with wearing my mock turtlenecks to work...

Reading: The Encyclopedia of Country Living by Carla Emery, The New Organic Grower by Eliot Coleman, and Outlander by Diana Gabaldon.....admittedly, Outlander falling aside in the wake of my latest homesteading urges...

Creating: ideas, meals, more "game planning" for the move...not sure what else...I'd love to do seed starts, but it's just so unfeasible. If I start something in the apartment, the cat will knock it over or eat it, and if I start them out on the porch, the GD ducks and squirrels will knock them over or destroy them within the first day...never mind the lack of pollinators because we live "in the city" and are surrounded by feral wildlife...It makes me sad to have to wait another whole year, but I'd rather wait than waste money. The knitting has fallen to the wayside too, but Cowl de Printemps should get some attention this weekend.

Going: nowhere this weekend, but SC trip probably soon.

Hoping...
We can get some real purging done this weekend. We own so. damn. much. stuff. and there comes a time when you have to look at all that crap and ask yourself, what will you ACTUALLY USE when you have a house?

Image from here.

It Could Happen...

This one's rather apropos. I mean, of course, the underlying theme should be "be happy with yourself" or "give yourself a break"......but this phrase nails something that's been rattling around in my brain, that I didn't quite realize was in there til I read it.

I have bloggers whom I admire, big-time, because they are living their lives the way I'd like to. Jenna, Amanda, and Ashley are definitely my top three. I wish to emulate them all in different ways, and I pore over their blogs and archives almost daily trying to glean the secrets to how they are able to pull it off, the homesteading dreams that I desire. None of these folks are independently wealthy; they all work very hard to achieve their respective dreams. So how come when push comes to shove, I get lazy and don't do what's necessary to move forward in those directions? I mentioned last week how I'm not into self-fulfilling prophecies...what a load of crap!

When I read that Ashley and her boys were going up to Maine to meet Amanda and her brood (and celebrate the beginning of Taproot), I was over the moon. My gods, to be a fly on the wall, while they were chatting, getting to know each other, watching their little ones play! I think they are both amazing ladies, with deliciously intelligent brains, who are living the dream...little homestead, some critters, and a creative life. I'd so love to meet them both someday...I content myself occasionally with the dream that I'll get to know Ashley someday by attending one of her classes, when we move closer to her neck of the woods.

But when I think of those two ladies together, I wonder what I would bring to the conversation. Yea, yea, I know, I'm a catch...but seriously! And I wonder what the hell is still holding me back? From canning and eating smartly and getting more animals and organizing my life andandandandand.....

I wandered through Walmart on Saturday night, and I remember passing the area in kitchen supplies where the canning jars are kept, and thinking, nah, don't need those right now, who are you kidding anyway? Since when do I let that kind of talk slip through my bean?! When I'm so damn concerned about where my food is coming from lately, that I'm having trouble making ANY decisions about meals, I can't find the gumption to buy canning jars and create strawberry jam that will save me $2.50 a week? I'm so frickin' over myself!

So my studies.....took a backseat to starting the Outlander series this weekend. And that's OK, because if the above is any indication, I'm readjusting my ever-changing, neverendinglyfluid priorities. I bounced off the walls literally this weekend, getting up to look around the apartment, feel overwhelmed by the mess, and sit back down to play Mah Jong and avoid it, thus perpetuating my discontent. I was downright ornery at times this weekend, and there's so much I could be doing to remedy that.

Image from here.

Full of Promise Friday

I'm alternating today between strong and sad, but I'll try to keep it upbeat here...

The weather continues to be obnoxiously beautiful in FL. Been brushing my bangs to the side, which is compelling me to wear my hair down more, cuz it looks better that way. We'll see how long that lasts, if this 80s nonsense keeps up.

Payday brings promise, potential...there are bills to pay, sneakers to buy, and plenty to squirrel away hopefully thanks to OT. I'm planning a trip to upstate SC in May that we need to start saving for. There are other things to save for too....the move, potential baby making, I always have an eye trained down the road.

At least the sad is getting me thinking.....about procreating the species, and how if I haven't really given up, then I better get my ass in gear and do what's necessary to get myself in a position to realistically attempt it. See Melanie's Head for more on that.

Chipotle for lunch and OT later and tomorrow morning...we're getting closer to not needing the OT, so gotta enjoy it while it lasts. Have a great weekend, y'all!

Image from here.

Random Thursday

No matter the fact that I tell myself I only have 6½ readers...I do hold myself back on this blog. Which is hilarious, since it has no real purpose other than as a vent for me. I'm not trying to raise money for anything or knit caps for babies in Haiti, or sweaters for penguins. I'm not a stay-at-home mom with tons of adorable child-antic stories. I'm just a semi-fertile 40-something with a semi-couch husband who's my everything, and a cat who waited 9 years before deciding that maybe, she'd deign to enjoy our laps every now and then. But I put this URL in other places, like the Facebook, so there's the occasional concern that someone, a boss or something, at my work, will happen upon this little blog and get more than they bargained for.

That said, I find myself a bit jealous of the Bloggess. This is a lady who obviously ain't taking enough meds, but that's OK, because she probably wouldn't be nearly as funny if she were. She's a wonder...it's as though you took my personality, my friend R's personality, put them in 1 person, and removed any and all filters from our conversations. Jen's "conversations with Victor", her husband are hysterical, and remind me of myself, when I'll go off on a rambling tangent that causes Les to kind of sigh and mumble to himself about how special I am...

But she's a mostly SAHM and newspaper columnist, so to the outsider, it appears that she doesn't have to go work in an office everyday and put on appearances. And that's where my jealousy kicks in, because she's found a way to work from home and find success. I work in a corporate atmosphere and don't always hold my tongue, largely in part due to my lithium deficiency, which I'm still not medicating while we attempt a few more years at getting into the baby game. And I'm starting to see how, at least in this company, it's going to hold me back, that inability to think before I speak.

Thing is, I don't dislike that about myself. It's honest, albeit at times brutally honest; but after a childhood and adulthood of keeping certain things from my dad in order to keep the peace, I have no real desire to become too much of a person who's careful when they speak. So I'll never make it in politics, oh well. And my family's still speaking to me, so....

But it may hold me back from management positions. For now, I'm completely OK with that, but down the road, who knows? It'll depend on the job, I guess; and with my dreams, my "career" is pretty destined to be "12 roads diverged in a wood, and I..." so for now, I'm not worried. And if I want success, I just need to explore more of those paths...I do worry about how the frick I'm going to find work to keep us in mac & cheese when we move to Spartanburg, especially since I want to get Husby back in school (now that he's finding some focus). But I'll punch up my writing and start submitting it, outside of here, and researchresearchresearch. We've made it this far. As for whether or not I unclench a little more on here...

Taking Stock

Having a really decent week. Kind of weird to feel this way when my circumstances haven't changed. Nifty what a little focus and positive thinking can produce. Looking forward to an OT check and more OT on the way helps too.

Outside: obnoxious...in other words, gorgeous. It's March in Florida out there.

Inside: little noisy, little boring

Wearing: hair down...it's getting delightfully unruly. May as well enjoy it...once it gets stupid-hot, I'll wear it back or up more.

Creating: Cowl de Printemps in KnitPicks Stroll in Pumpkin, and a curriculum of study.

Reading: The Creators, Heart of Darkness, College Algebra, and Human Antiquity.

Going: nowhere for now, but SC trip coming up soon.

Hoping...
Don't really need this category this week. To say I'm hoping to stick with my studies or eat better or exercise, implies I'm expecting failure...and I'm all about eliminating self-fulfilling prophecies.

Last night I unwound with my usual Kindle solitaire and mah jong...but then I cracked the College Algebra, determined I need a calculator to maintain sanity while studying that, set it aside and cracked the Anthro text, reviewed the first chapter and read the second, and put myself to sleep knocking out the 2nd chapter of Boorstin. It feels fantastic to be feeding the brain this way.

Don't grownups use calculators? The Texas Instruments website was educational...I guess since most adults only need basic math functions, they just use computers (and computer calculators) now, for bills and such. The TI store is geared to the needs of high school age and under. Makes sense, I guess, since engineering and business students and the like just do everything by computer now...but it was an eye-opener about how I need to shift my thinking. I graduated college in 1993 without ever using a computer. The simple act of learning is entirely different now, different resources to work from, different ways of using technology to assist in the process.

Great example: Encyclopedia Britannica just announced that they're going out of print, that the 2012 edition of their printed encyclopedias will be their last. This made me sad and nostalgic at first. My folks had Colliers in the house, but the schools I grew up in relied on Britannica and World Book as a key reference/resource. So I asked my Lil Sis, semi-recent MA, what she'd used for an encyclopedia in college, Britannica, Encarta? Her answer: nada...she worked in primary research, first-hand interviewing with compare/contrast against other resources (online articles, periodicals, journals, etc.). And I was reminded of how very different my schooling was from hers, how we weren't allowed to question anything or accept viewpoints outside of our textbooks. The first time I skimmed Howard Zinn's History of the US, it blew my mind, because it was so far afield from what I'd been told in public school. How sad that I had to get the hell out of school to become more of a free thinker, but that's exactly what happened. But the old ways of thinking are still set in my head, so that when I dip my toes back into the academic world, in however small a way, I'm greeted with a wall to scale first. I'm really looking forward to the climb.

Image from here.

No more excuses?

I completely adore this laptop skin, and it's not even "me".

They announced the new manager of my work team. Emotions are mixed.

Actually, emotions are full-on annoyed...mostly with myself. I made the mistake of watching the 2nd half of the Brooke Ellison story (curse you, Lifetime channel, when there's nothing else on!)...and am feeling very held-back. You can't watch movies like that when you're already feeling like you're not accomplishing enough in your life. It must've been a theme for the day, because before that, they had played the Liz Murray story, which I've watched more than once, both for the excellent acting and the hopeful story. Liz Murray managed to finish high school at Bronx Science while homeless and was later accepted to Harvard. Brooke Ellison became a quadraplegic at age 11 and with the help of unyielding family support, graduated summa from Harvard and is currently working on her Ph.D.

I can't begrudge my current career. Its "safety/stability" were necessary for the particular time in our lives. But how much am I giving up if I continue playing it safe? And what the hell do I really want to do with my life? And am I letting the things that are holding me back become excuses not to push harder to achieve those dreams?

So this week will be spent looking at the move, our lives, what kind of schooling Les might be interested in (in relation to where I want us to move), what kind of schooling I'm interested in, and how we can make all that happen. It really pisses me off how shut out we are from opportunities, just because we've learned to pay cash for stuff. Our credit hasn't suffered the last couple of years; it's flatlined...and building it back up is a royal bitch. But it's going to have to happen, because I'm realizing I absolutely want back into school too, that the dreams I have in mind require it.

I removed myself from the Independence Days Challenge for now. It's just not happening.

Yesterday was a rather delicious puttering-around day. As I woke up in the morning, got coffee, woke up my brain with the Kindle and the Sunday L&Os, I realized I had zero desire to go outside...that I needed to stay in my PJs and get small things done around the house. So I did, and I'm better for it today.

Image from here.

Taking Stock

 

And the wheel turns...and very little changes...re: that last post...and since there's nothing I can do about it, I give it to the gods and move on.

Having a pretty nice week. I need to get back to the Y, still avoiding that, but otherwise, little things getting accomplished, not too tired, some thinking going on up in the ole attic.....we celebrated 13 years of marriage yesterday. So blessed.

Outside: overcast, but pleasant temps...

Inside: meh.

Wearing: new Eastlands...such a damn relief to have comfortable shoes...ridiculously eye-opening...

Creating: a cowl here, a wrap there...ignoring socks...

Reading: Twelve Wild Swans ... getting back to my religious roots.

Going: hopefully nowhere...

Hoping... sigh...see Dark Meadow...

Image from here.

Vent

I'm safe venting here, I think...the only family member on that side that might read this, empathizes/feels similarly.....

When you have people addicted to prescription medication in your family, you have 3 choices: enable them, force rehab, or set them free and pray. There really isn't a middle ground, and in some states, the 2nd isn't even an option once the parties in question (PIQs) are over 18. Took me forever to understand why we didn't just Baker Act the PIQs....turns out it was because SC doesn't have anything like that. (Florida does...and if you ask me, it oughta be nationwide.) They don't even do 24-hour holds. When one crisis occurred involving the person being a danger to him/herself, they were released from the hospital in less than 12 hours. Blew. My. Mind. Yes, it could've been a side effect of Lyrica. So not the point.

So the family in question chose option 1 for years. Maybe I'll understand it better when I have my own kids, but I come from more of a tough-love family dynamic, so maybe not. All I know is the situation has been toxic for far too long, and now that Dad's gone, it's going to implode. And I pray that things resolve themselves without my "help," because I'm really done being nice about the whole situation. There's a child in the middle of all of it, and that makes the behavior of the PIQs reprehensible. Yes, I get that I feel it more succinctly because I don't have children of my own. Yes, I fully expect to have that thrown in my face if I stick my nose in. But I'll be able to laugh that off pretty easily, I think, because neither of them are model parents with a leg to stand on.

In Utopia, where I have legal standing to do anything regarding the situation, I'd be putting our entire dining room in storage, moving our niece down with us, and getting her set up in therapy immediately to try and undo some of the emotional damage that her parents have wrought on her. I'd set her up in public school (until we moved to SC at least), and I'd trim my hours by 5, so I could spend more time @ home and still keep health benefits for now. I'd make the necessary sacrifices without thought, because I understand what it means to be a parent. Neither of her actual parents have a fucking clue.

But I know that will never be. And so I keep silent, and ache, and pray for things to become different without any intervention needed on our parts. Mom wants Les up there again for support. I wish they could send me instead, because I'm enough of an outside influence to give them all the perspective they so desperately need for the situation. And if that didn't work, we could abscond the niece and run for the border....just kidding....

Prayers for a resolution.

Just an update...nothing witty ;)

As I reconcile myself with getting turned down for the promotion, one thing keeps sneaking up on me...

The lithium deficiency is a viable excuse. It helps me recognize certain limitations. But while it justifies a scaling-back of certain areas of my life, it also forces me to examine my life more fully, to figure out the areas where scaling-back isn't an acceptable alternative. I have dreams that aren't going to get accomplished without some serious sucking-up, head-down, nose-to-grindstone work. I'm no stranger to hard work; keeping my little family afloat all these years is proof of that. But I need to take it a step further, or we're never getting out of Florida/I'm never getting published.

Husby will do his share; I know this. Folks who know us may look on that statement with skepticism, but a person's share has so many more facets than just money. He's slowly becoming healthier, physically and emotionally, and that's more important than any job he could hold right now. He came out of his Reiki class this past weekend more at peace than I've seen him in ages. And his support and faith in me speaks volumes, keeps me chugging along toward our goals.

This weekend was...good. Worked OT at o-dark-thirty on Saturday morning, had a follow-up eye appointment, and then went home for napping and puttering. Sunday I moved stuff around in the bedroom just enough to make myself think I'd reorganized and purged a little. Then I read, played, and knitted, frogged 2 old projects, and gave myself a mani-pedi, all while the windows were open and the breeze and sun streamed through our little apartment. I felt contentment. Such a damned precious thing.

Image from here.

Independence Days

So what do you do when you can't realistically grow things outside without it being an exercise in futility? You find another way, because to not grow stuff just won't do...

Not that I've found that way yet...just that I ain't giving up.

So I didn't get the promotion. Interestingly, I wasn't relieved or disappointed with the outcome. Can't decide if that means I really oughta try harder to improve myself, to further myself career-wise, because by not being disappointed, I'm only enabling my mediocrity. See, thing is though, I'm not a person who's overly concerned with "having a career." When it comes time to move, I'll be looking in my field, certainly, because that's where the bulk of my experience lies, but I also won't be disappointed if I have to try something completely new. So am I selling myself short by not being disappointed? Or do I just think too much?

So, still a HUGE work in progress on the Indy challenge...not a whole lot of actual effort occurring yet : (

Plant something: this weekend.

Harvest something: the menu plan concept this weekend

Preserve something: my sanity?

Waste not: recycling

Want not: finally stopped spending money willy-nilly

Eat the food: epic fail, lot of eating out this week

Build community systems: nada, but I've been a little more sociable (though my knitting pals would disagree), in light of the potential for bossdom earlier this week.

Skill up: this weekend....maybe I should start reporting this on Mondays, since those darn weekends are always so full of promise....

Image from here.