Beltane

Can't ya just like, hear the rain falling in that picture?

I've enjoyed it in the past, Beltane, May Day. It's a celebration of fertility, a high holy day for pagans. The veil between the worlds is thin, the earth breathes deeply as new life comes up, and beings are most alive during this time. Never actually danced around a may pole, but they sure are purty.

However this month in particular, my moon cycle is also late for no reason, and I'm feeling heavily the lack of fertility going on around here. I can't plant, there's absolutely no point in trying. The chances of my getting pregnant right now run in the 5% range. I'm 42½. The ache is quite present today.

Coworker lent me the Bloggess' new book, Let's Pretend This Never Happened. It's so laugh-out-loud funny, I didn't bring it to work because I didn't want to draw attention to myself. Pretty sure I should've brought it anyway, cuz my mood could definitely use a boost today.

Dad would be so flummoxed about us still hurting 5 years later. Guy had lousy self-esteem, but it wasn't just that. I totally get his thinking, because I've definitely inherited the "stop crying, clean up the milk, move on" mindset about like, every situation in my life otherwise.

Les ranted long and hard yesterday about the asshat pharmacies turning him away because they don't have his meds in their stock, and because they are Sched II narcotics, they have no way of knowing when they'll come in (which sounds like a load, but probably is true, because to give those suckers a normal delivery schedule is to put a bullseye on any pharmacy that carries them.....never mind that Husby's pharmacy is right next to a new primary care place that I'm pretty sure doubles as a script-happy pain clinic...). And I listened and tried hard not to say, "well, nothing you can do but call around to the other pharmacies..." because he knows this, but ranting helps him feel better, not so persecuted. He can't stand feeling like he's being treated like a drug seeker, and I totally get that...he watches his sis run out of meds every 2 weeks (on a month's supply), while he barely uses what he gets, and he's the one who gets shit on.

It's there on the calendar, May 12th, glaring at me, and I'll be glad to get past it. I think we're definitely ready for a vacation too...I'll be glad to travel soon, even just to visit family.

Image from here.