Perhaps a pause

I'm definitely in a bit of a dry spell on this particular blog. Maybe it's winter, maybe it's work...just ain't a whole lot going on here to justify a post lately.

As my work for Ashevillage increases, I'll be posting more over at Dark Meadow...plus, once Spring starts to sneak in around these parts, I'll be wrist deep in the soil and writing about that over there.

I'm also in a dry spell over at Melanie's Gym, but that's just laziness. I'm having a helluva time finding the necessary willpower and mental strength to make the changes this body needs. January has been Einstein's definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results (is that even attributed to Einstein? just realized it's one of those web quotes that's been used enough where you just assume, rather than research its veracity...). I voiced the issue rather succinctly on my FB this morning: I just want to detox from the Standard American Diet, while maintaining focus on my work and not desiring to murder everyone around me in the process. File it under work in progress, I guess...

It's been actual winter around here! Not getting much above 40 these days, and quite a bit of snow, though the white stuff is light and doesn't stick around. Still, so nifty to watch it fall and dance around in it like a kid!

Getting proactive about the indoor plants finally, keeping them in window areas during the day and watering them when needed. I fear I lost the rosemary and the holy basil...time will tell.

Have a great week, y'all! Stay warm!

Image from here.

Just popping in

Nothing exciting to post, actually. One of those times when you want to push down the previous post, because it's too sad to think about. Kendra's memorial is this Saturday, and I wish I could go, even though it promises to be more of a zoo than a memorial. She garnered such support and publicity during her struggle. But it's moot. Weaverville, NC, to Pace, FL, is way too far to drive in a car that needs 2 tires, new brakes, and a serious tune-up, even if we had the dough (and patience) for another long car trip, which we don't. But her story had me praying again, and that's something I struggled with for years since going non-Christian. When you grow up talking to Jesus, and now Jesus isn't the big guy in your spiritual life anymore, who the heck are you talking to now when you pray?

I went to church this past Sunday, a UU congregation a half hour's drive from here. I bypassed the Asheville UU to get to them. I went to Asheville's UU once last year, and the vibe in the place just didn't appeal to me, no clue why. I have high standards with UU churches, because Rev. Dr. John Young (ret.) at the Jacksonville UU was excellent, very friendly and immensely learned. But the Swannanoa Valley UU felt better. The reverend seemed smart and jovial. I was in my shell the whole time I was there. That's the one hard part about hitting a new church - everyone's so dang friendly, and it takes me at least one service to thaw out. But I liked what I saw, and I'll be going back, weather-permitting, this Sunday.

In a case of painfully coincidental timing, the service I attended last Sunday was that congregation's chance to honor the members who passed on in 2012 and 2013. Reading out names, dedicating a song, ringing the meditation bell. I thought of Kendra and got teary, but I also felt a peace, similar to the comfort I experienced at the Catholic funeral last week. Hey, I'll take it.

*****
Just wrote a pile of paragraphs on the frustration surrounding my MIL's attitude and living situation, and then thought better of it and stuck it on my private blog. So I'll just ask for prayers of compassion, that I may relate to her situation better and help her find her way eventually.

*****
This week is about making new habits. I've half-assed started Whole 30, meaning I'm burning through the almond milk in the fridge first and THEN I'll really start, and there have been slip-ups here and there in just the 2 days that I've tried to be more conscious of my food intake. But my inflammation is down again already, noticed it when I woke up this morning, and that's motivating as hell. Eating clean, whole foods as often as possible, and getting back on a walking regimen are the main goals this week.

Image from here.

Into the Light

Meara's friend Kendra passed away yesterday afternoon. Please keep her family in your thoughts and prayers.

Images from FB and here.

Down time

Every two months, for security reasons, my work password dies. I understand this; it's a pain in the tail, but easy to remedy.

In an instance of impressively shitty timing, this occurred yesterday. I spent yesterday attending a funeral, the reception that followed, and then driving from Hilton Head Island back to Weaverville, a 6-hour trip. I didn't go into the work tool to check the queues until 10:45 PM.

I'm stuck, unable to work until Monday, because IT doesn't work on the weekend. I did maybe half my usual quota of sites this week.

Sales hasn't quite ramped up since the New Year holiday, so I may have been screwed anyway; my boss said there wasn't much in the queue to work with. Small consolation.

It's the beginning of a pay period, so there's hope. I can bust my arse on work next week and make up the difference. This will occur only if sales ramps up enough to supply me with work.

I made a good living this past year, better than I expected. I get that this is a temporary condition, that sales should increase in the next week or so. Work has always experienced a significant drop around the holidays. Doesn't make it any easier, and it's certainly a well-deserved/timed wake-up call that I need to expand my portfolio and opportunities.

*****
The funeral was lovely, a standard Catholic mass. I found it a comfort. I don't miss Christianity, but I do miss the rituals behind it.

It almost wasn't my place to grieve...I'd only met Kaye a few times; she was Les' aunt. My grief was for his cousins who lost their mother, and for the grandchildren who lost their grandmother. I was brought to tears by their tears. I watched a 15-year-old boy break down, and I wept for his pain.

His cousins are our peers, and I found myself doing character studies in my head about them on the ride home. We'd be closer friends with these folks, if we lived closer together. This death brought us a little closer, and in spite of the requisite funeral conversations about how we must get together on a happier occasion, I'd like to actually see that happen, instead of it being lip service. But they are spotty Facebook users, and real life gets in the way, so we'll see.

*****
I watched this funeral with a new clarity about my beliefs. In the past, as a pagan, I've been terribly uncomfortable at Christian funerals, not knowing my place, not knowing how I felt. Over my father's dying body, I was forced to take communion and felt like a hypocrite. Yesterday, I bypassed communion and felt fine, felt I was honoring their rituals by not participating. But at the same time, I felt fine repeating the refrains of the mass, doing the motions of the sign of the cross or the little motions right before the reading of the Gospel. I have found my ways to respect religion without believing in it. I found both relief and comfort in this development.

*****
My Lil Sis's friend Kendra is gravely ill. I've written about her before on here. She gave birth prematurely, because she came down with pneumonia, and then a host of other complications ensued, sending her into a medically induced coma for the last 2 months. She contracted pneumonia again, about 2 weeks ago, and if the updates we receive on Facebook are any indication, the doctors are obviously preparing the family for her to pass. Her baby daughter is out of the hospital and thriving, living with relatives while her husband sits vigil.

I learned how to pray again, thanks to this woman's fight...figured out how prayer was possible again, in spite of my non-Christian status. There are other lessons sneaking into my psyche as my mind wrestles with the sadness that this family has been experiencing. It's coming too soon after losing Kaye, standing in a church and realizing that I've hit mid-life and there's still so damn much I want to experience. These thoughts are exhausting, but necessary; they bring clarity about how unique and precious life is.

*****
We came home last night to snow on the ground and bitter temperatures. These temps are supposed to stick around for the next week, turning the roads to ice. I'm going to get back to walking anyway, somehow, and I'm starting the Whole 30 next Sunday. All prayers welcome for my husband's and my sanity as I traverse that sucker.

Image from here.

Re-entry

 
I guess I really have become a homebody. We got back from traveling on Saturday night, and I'm still trying to get my head screwed back on straight.

It's been a year here, and I still revel in how good it feels to come home. Didn't have that in Jax for the longest time. Really makes you realize the difference between compromise and happiness.

It was a good holiday; Yule was awesome, and Christmas was fine. Everybody put on their happy faces, and I tried not to choke on the hypocrisy. We hit his mom's place first for Christmas Eve and Day. No big talks occurred, because of time constraints, and because we all recognize the futility of speaking seriously to people who are too high for anything to sink in. We then traveled to my mom and Lil Sis's place from Boxing Day til Saturday. It was a nice visit, and a nice way to come down a bit from the tension of the other place.

Les got me a gorgeous anniversary jacket band to go around my engagement ring (we celebrate 15 years in 2014; he's been wanting to get me something like this since around year 10). I plied him with weaponry.

Things won't get back to normal for another week unfortunately. We lost Les' Aunt Kaye on Christmas Day, and we're traveling again this week to see her laid to rest. She was a dear lady.

*****

The weather's winter-grey and cold around here, with a whisper of snow in the forecast.

Image from here.

Merry Solstice!

"Fill your mind with thoughts of peace, courage, health, and hope." ~ Dale Carnegie

Traveling all week. See you in January. Happy New Year!

Image from here.

Because Christmas

Images from here, here, and here.

Just because...

One of the many things Christmastime should be about (as opposed to the negativity of the last 2 posts).

Image from here.

Well. Damn.

http://brenebrown.com/2013/12/10/rsabear/

This has been floating around the web for about a week now (well, probably longer...what do I know?)...and I finally got around to watching it. And realized that that whole last post, where I bitch (if we're being honest) about my family members not living their lives, was coming from a place of sympathy (if I can even be accused of going anywhere near that emotion), rather than a place of empathy.

It's interesting to recognize this, because we talk and talk about how the family members in question are addicts, so they're not going to get help until they are ready and willing to do so. But it doesn't stop us (well, me) from coming at the situation from a perspective of "at least."

You're hurting, so you neglect your daughter. At least you have a daughter. You hurt so much you think you can't get out of bed. At least you have options, if only you were able to recognize them. At least you're alive, not strapped to a bed unconscious, unable to wake up, unable to hold your daughter.

And that's where the emotions become so damn hard to control. Just thinking about it brings up hurtful words, adjectives like "you miserable, selfish, lazy excuse of a..." and my Irish temper goes red and wishes I could shake sense into the person I'm "speaking" to...

None of us are coming at the situation from a place of empathy, and that's why nothing will get accomplished if a "talk" occurs. And that's a shame, but it's also inevitable, because the one person who needs to exercise the necessary empathy to make changes, isn't strong enough to do so, and wants those around her to do it for her instead. Which ain't gonna happen. We have our own lives.

I own Brené Brown's I Thought It Was Just Me. I admired her work and wanted to start at the beginning. It sits on my bookshelf next to the bed, alongside other "important" tomes (like The Way of the Bodhisattva), that get occasionally flipped through, but haven't been "read" yet. It's definitely time.

Meantime, I'll do what I said I would. Let my feelings be known to the people in question, so I won't choke on hypocrisy while there; and pour my love onto my niece, not in that order. The holidays are about the small ones, giving them joy. Everything else is a choice, whether or not we engage.

Making sense of pain

 
I was raised Catholic, so I went to my fair share of funerals as a kid, not always for relatives with whom I was familiar. So the grief itself didn't make a dent, rather it was a place for my brother and I to dress up and be complemented on our exemplary behavior. I remember shedding tears when Popie died (my dad's dad), and that was probably my first recognition of death. But it simply doesn't sink in until it hits someone close to you, which is why Dad's passing hit me like a truck on the highway.

One of the niggling side effects of blog trolling is happening upon the truly sad stories, the miscarriages, the children with cancer, and such. Facebook introduced me to Sammy (may he rest in peace), whose mother, it turns out, I went to elementary school with. That blog introduced me to another Sammy. He passed this morning.

It's pretty easy to decipher why these passings make me pensive, beyond the knee-jerk sadness of a child dying. I'm still at an age where I could produce children, and it's still a desire, a rather deep one. I also watch and listen helplessly while my niece is neglected by her parents, and the rage about that burns deep.

*****

Lil Sis's friend continues in a holding pattern. She redeveloped pneumonia and remains in a medically induced coma while hemodialysis attempts to continue the healing of her kidneys. She has developed intermittent contractions in her breathing pattern, which could be the pneumonia, or a new symptom of the possible brain damage from when she suffered cardiac arrest. They can't know until she's stable enough for a long MRI, just what's going on upstairs. All progress is maddeningly incremental, and doesn't yet tell the whole story.

My friend Diana won't be home for Christmas as she's being discharged to a rehab facility first. She's on the mend, but it's hard not to think about how the decades of smoking have shortened her lifespan.

I've definitely relearned how to pray these past couple of months. I think daily on these folks and send my individual desires for their health, or their families' peace, out into the universe. It's all I can do, and I reconcile myself to that.

*****

All these people will be in the back of my head when I visit family at Christmastime and interact with family members who take life for granted everyday, who lie in bed the majority of their days popping pills and refuse to do anything to better their lots in life. It's very hard for me to walk in their shoes. I have real trouble with people who won't help themselves, and unfortunately there are quite a few candidates in this scenario.

I will wear my mala beads, meditate when able, and shower my niece in love while we're there. I can't wait to play with her, distract her from her situation, and watch her delight about Christmas. There will likely be plenty of yelling this holiday, and I want no part of it; which is not to say that I'll hide from it. Actually I'm pretty sure my opinions will become known the minute I interact with the people in question, and hopefully that will squelch any further arguing. Hey, a girl can dream.

Reading nook pic from here. Snow pics from here.

Spooky coincidence

Found this within an hour of writing the last post. At this rate, I've got another 10-site day ahead of me. I shoot for 20. Audible sigh.

Definitely in my head this week

If you have no interest in football, religion, or social perceptions, you may want to skip this one...

Time Magazine named their Person of the Year for 2013, Pope Francis. The article is informative and well-written, and I needed to read it after a seriously off-the-cuff remark made by Peter King, of all people, earlier this week.

I read MMQB to follow the NFL, and I have enjoyed his columns for a couple of years now. He keeps it interesting, for someone like me who doesn't fully understand the game still; and he's a funny guy and good writer. In his non-football thoughts of the week, he threw in this non sequitur:

"The more I look at Pope Francis, the more he looks like Chance the gardener."

Being There by Jerzy Kosinski is one of the few books I read and absorbed against my will in high school. It certainly helped that they made a decent movie adaptation of it, and my teacher saw it as such and took pity on us and showed it in class. The book has been called both a satire and a social commentary on people's perceptions. It's also one of those movies where you wonder how anyone else could have nailed the role like Peter Sellers. Chance was his last role, and he was exquisite.

Loooong nutshell: (circa 1970s) Chance is a middle-aged, simple-minded man who works for a rich, old man, mainly tending the garden. His life is very sheltered, he rarely leaves the house, and his only entertainment is TV, from which he derives his limited views of the world. When the old man dies, Chance inherits his clothes and a few belongings, but is thrown out of the house. While wandering the streets, he happens upon an electronics store and is mesmerized by his own reflection on the TV in the window (they have a camera pointing out, and Chance has never seen this before). He absentmindedly backs into the street and is bumped by a car. Though not seriously injured, the society woman in the vehicle insists he come home with her. When he says his name is "Chance, the gardener," she sees his expensive-looking clothing and assumes she heard Chauncey Gardener. As he unwittingly ingratiates himself with her society friends, their perception of him as a once-rich and learned man blossoms, until he is advising heads of state with his simple aphorisms. But in truth, he's a '70s Forrest Gump, thrust into situations that are far over his head, but which inexplicably respond to his level of folksy wisdom. When he says, "I like to watch TV," they take it as a lesson about taking time for oneself to relax and reflect. When the society woman's husband, and Chance's new benefactor, passes away, the board of directors unanimously vote Chauncey Gardener as the new CEO of his impressive company.

*****
 
So my first reaction to Peter King's line about Pope Francis was that he must be a pissed-off Catholic hard-liner. My second reaction was that Pope Francis does look a bit like Peter Sellers. Pretty sure that second one is random though. My third reaction was just plain confusion, which is why I was grateful for the Time magazine article this morning. It's an excellent short biography of a kind and intelligent man, who is coming at the position of Pope from a far different place than quite a few of the rigid scholars before him. But it's also a cautionary tale of how the media takes his statements out of context in an attempt to force progressive thinking on a religion that isn't going to be making major changes any time soon.

Honestly, it seems like Pope Francis has two main notes on his to-do list for the foreseeable future:

1. Help the poor. Pray for the poor. Help the poor.
2. Clean up some of the abysmal corruption that has run rampant through the Vatican.

Everything else is window-dressing, and don't let his use of 21st century technology to get his point across fool you. This guy was new to retirement and miserable at it, and giving him the pointy hat finally gave him the pulpit he's always needed to get his point across. But he's driven by charity and prayer, thankfully, not the trappings of the almighty dollar; and that could go a long way in the fiscal reformation of a vessel rife with money laundering and greed.

Pope Francis isn't a simple-minded puppet, but neither is he a progressive reformer who's going to change the face of Catholicism. And that's OK, because if you look at Catholicism on its face, it doesn't need changing; it obviously speaks to the spiritual needs of millions already. But his views on charity and helping the poor are a really good start; it reminds me of how volunteerism got such a kick in the pants after Obama was elected. These are ideas that should have been popular before these learned men took their posts; but if their presence is what it takes to start movements, then we're lucky to have them.

In my head

It is quite possible to wear mala beads daily as a reminder to be present, and still find your thoughts taken over by family strife. This angers me. These issues barely deserve my thoughts; they are not my problem. We receive the ripples of the actual problem, and it's up to us not to let it overtake our emotions, especially when we have no control over any possible outcome.

Heather B. of beautythatmoves is hosting a Hibernate workshop in January. I've found my gift to myself this holiday season.

*****

I ache with Mandela's passing.

Checked Long Walk to Freedom out of the library the next day. The only reason I didn't buy it that day is because thanks to the purchase of a new washing machine, we are poor as church mice for the next 2 weeks.

I read it about 10 years ago, on a whim, and it, along with Kingsolver's exquisite fiction The Poisonwood Bible, stirred my interest in African history. I never retained much history in my schooling; I considered it boring and the teachers I had did not help matters, as they were, for the most part, a stuffy and monotonous lot. As an adult, my brain's finally mature enough to see different sides, and the layers of these stories are fascinating. Also fascinating are the number of fallacies that make themselves known, the difference between what I was taught in grade school and what we know to be true today (or think we know to be true). Imagine how different history will read in another 50 years...

Watched Obama's speech at Mandela's memorial today. It was just boilerplate enough to piss me off and set me wondering how many white men are still on the speechwriting staff at the big white house. Mandela wasn't a pacifist or even a thunderous orator, so why compare him to Gandhi or Dr. King? Because those are people quoted just often enough to make a dent in the short attention spans of the populace?

I'm a fan of President Obama; I've drunk the Kool-Aid and am among the whiners who believe he is a great man who won't leave nearly the mark he should in history, because he's stuck with a tight-assed Congress that's petrified of social change. I just wish he'd had the time to throw some more of himself into that speech.

*****
The holiday tree is up, a handsome artificial model from Lowe's that was a bit of a splurge, but looks much better than any of the crap they were hawking at Walmart. Bought it at the same time as the new washing machine, so there was a bit of holiday cheer to accompany the sting of throwing down $400+ cash on our first real major appliance. Les's mom bought our first set used, as a house warming, from a nice enough mom-and-pop outfit in Asheville, but we looked at their inventory and realized the last thing we wanted was to be in the same boat a year from now, with another broken down machine.

The soft light of the tree in the living room in the evenings is like a blessing. I'm itching to make some new ornaments. Those we have are OK, but hold little history. It needs some garland too. I'd love to make a construction paper chain for it, but finishing knitting of holiday gifts has to come first.

Image from here.

Building Traditions

For the last decade, at least, as a family, Les and I haven't celebrated the holidays. This isn't as bleak as it sounds, as we've certainly exchanged gifts (when there was money to do so) and enjoyed the season. But we stopped bothering to put up a tree quite a while back, because we were always traveling around Christmas, and besides, the old apartment was small and such an epic clutter pile, it had no room for any extra decoration.

We traveled, usually to his folks' house, and spent a couple of days doing Christmas there. Nothing wrong with that, certainly, and we're both agnostics, so we don't feel any religious obligation to deck our personal halls. But I miss it, and in the face of traveling to a house that feels less like a home now (thanks to the family drama that lives in it), I determined that this year needs to be a time of building our own traditions.

We bought a new artificial tree, which we will decorate tonight. I'm also going gathering for pine branches to hang around the house. We're not sure if Les is allergic to pine, so this will be a way to test him out without going whole-hog with a real tree.

We're spoiling each other a bit with gifts, for once. I'm having us open our gifts on Yule, rather than drag stuff down to his folks' house. I'll make us a nice meal. Maybe we'll watch a movie together, or go catch the new Hobbit flick. I'll refresh my memory about winter solstice. We'll light candles around the house, and ponder the turning-inward momentum of this time of year. Tonight we light the 2nd candle of my version of Yule advent: courage.

We'll still travel to both our folks' homes, but we're keeping the trip short, both for my work sanity and our personal sanities. Having the holiday land smack in the middle of the week this year is going to be grueling for me, as my work week runs Sunday to Saturday. Laptops are marvelous portable devices, but no amount of distraction known to man could get me to concentrate in his folks' house, where my 7-year-old niece resides, and besides, I want to be available for her. She's the real reason we're making the trip.

*****

My friend Diana is out of ICU and on the mend. Lil Sis's friend Kendra remains in a medically induced twilight. All prayers appreciated.

Image from here.

New Month

Thanksgiving...survived it. May I always have the ability to have it at my own house, because I do nail it when I have control over my surroundings.

The meal was exquisite. We were concerned about cooking the turkey too long, because it seemed like the thermometer wouldn't rise enough whenever we checked it, but Hubs basted religiously and it was delicious. I did the sweet potatoes in the crock pot, eliminating the need for a pot on the stove, and we popped the rolls into the oven the minute the turkey was out. And that Brussels sprouts recipe of Emeril's is amazing!

It just came together so nicely this year, I guess via a combination of the larger kitchen and fresher, local foods. Hubs' uncle couldn't make it, but we hosted his mom, so it was simple and quiet.

*****

It was a white Thanksgiving. It snowed the entire day before and didn't melt as quickly as I thought it would; there's still some white stuff sticking around in deeply shaded areas, but the temps will rise the next 2 days, and then drop again. It's overcast most days lately. The leaves have dropped, and the mist and fog covers the mountaintop in the twilight hours.

We'll decorate next weekend. Still not sure where the tree is going, but it's going somewhere.

*****

I lit the first candle for our Yule advent on Saturday. Under the heading of making our own traditions, I settled on 4 themes, which hilariously, I cribbed from a favorite quote of Dale Carnegie's: "Fill your mind with thoughts of peace, courage, health, and hope." So the first candle was for peace, peace for us, our families, and the world.

*****

My friend Diana is back in the hospital with pneumonia, and Lil Sis's friend still wavers between the light and the dark. All prayers welcome. Also, on a completely materialistic bent, I wouldn't mind prayers for my washing machine too, which decided to stop agitating this past weekend.

*****

It'll be a pensive week here, as we get back into our own rhythm. Hosting family is fun at times, but it also helps us realize how much we love our life together, just the two of us. Maybe someday there will be children and more animals, but for now, we're happy.

Have a great week, y'all!

Image from here.

Finding Compassion

"Once you understand that everyone, everywhere is operating from a place of fear, you know what to do: just encourage."

~ Karen Maezen Miller

The hardest part of all this, of dealing with the drama on my husband's side of the family, is deferring judgment. I'm a hard person. I have set ideas about how people should operate, and there's a streak of weakness in this storyline that causes me to be judgmental. It's much harder to render usable ideas, or rather, to be a useful person whose opinions are heard, from that mental place.

I've been carrying or wearing my mala beads lately. They are a reminder to be present, to be patient. Now, they will remind me to encourage too, to be the positive voice.

I abhor self-pity. It's a byproduct of depression; I do understand that. But there are always ways to fight depression and to improve your situation, if only you are strong enough. I have trouble understanding people who aren't strong enough to do that. Are family members then charged with doing it for them? I resist that. How will that person ever cope on their own without other people's help? At any age (except young childhood), I resist this. And I'm not talking about my age...the people in this scenario are mid-60s and late-30s.

This Thanksgiving and Christmas will be tests. Ultimately, I try to just celebrate the holidays. Thanksgiving is self-explanatory. Christmas is another animal; I'm leaning Les and I toward exchanging gifts at Yule, so that our holiday is separate from the Christian movements we have to make for family.

But in the midst of the Christmas celebrating, they want to do an intervention of sorts. I cringe at the timing, and pray I'll be taking my niece for a long walk around the neighborhood, or hitting a playground with her, because I know nothing from this "talk" will change anything until the parties involved are actually ready to make the necessary changes. A clearing of the air needs to happen, but it also smacks of futility, and I have real trouble with that.

Recognizing

I'm fairly certain the only way I'm going to survive the holidays without becoming emotionally unspooled is via better time management and organization.

Pretty sure everyone feels that way about the holidays at one time or another.

It mainly has to do with family drama that I would like to choose not to subscribe to. I think that with a little meditation and positive energy, I may be able to avoid it the way I want to; but I need to start practicing now.

*****

I went on an interview today. Pretty sure it helped me realize a couple of things. I can't be objective about the impression I delivered to the individuals with whom I was interviewing, but I can recognize that there's nothing wrong with feeling like I work better from home than in an office. If I am lucky enough to get the position, I will certainly step up and brush off my people skills. We need the cash, and I can certainly use the experience. But I also recognize that it's completely OK if I don't get it, and that I do have the intelligence and motivation necessary to improve my situation, without necessarily going back into an office. There are stories out there I can write about. I have ideas that could become book proposals. I even have it in me to self-publish, if I don't want to bother with rejections.

I have a voice. I'm still shaping it, wondering how the heck to take all the thoughts in my head and whittle them down to focused topics, but it's there.

*****

Check out Melanie's Gym and Dark Meadow for the latest on those rooms in my psyche. And when you have a moment, send some prayers out into the universe for some very special people. One is a personal friend who is struggling with COPD. The other is a friend of my sister's, who is going through rather horrific, life-threatening complications from pneumonia and childbirth.

My friend with the COPD is in her 70s. My sister's friend is maybe 30.

I guess it's always going to be natural to take life a little bit for granted, until your world is rocked by your own health failures or the failures of those close to you. But it's no less shocking either way. As I mention in Melanie's Gym, I'm achy this evening and while I don't think it's gall bladder-related, it's still a very loud wake-up call ringing in my head about the changes I still have to make, to obtain more improved health. While I've been a little complacent this week about diet and exercise, a woman who had to deliver early because of the flu, gave birth to a beautiful little girl who's doing well. She then had breathing issues that could not be improved, so they life-flighted her to UAB where she has been fighting for her life ever since. The baby was their 6th IVF treatment.

I'm a pagan, so I rage against a god that gives us these kinds of tests. But I also believe in the power of prayer, mainly because it's the only thing to do in situations like these. I'm not a doctor, I don't even know the family. But I can get down on my knees, literally or figuratively, and pray to whatever universal entity is out there, to please let this woman live, so she may know motherhood and continue the beautiful life she has with her husband.

Image from here.

Yea, definitely...

Weekly posts are totally doable here. I'm busy as heck these days.

We hosted Lil Sisinlaw and her significant other last weekend. We hit Craggy Gardens, cooked a decent meal. It's becoming easier to put in the effort on a decent meal, when the alternative means spending money we really shouldn't. Again, not exactly mind-blowing stuff, just takes effort.

Thanksgiving and the holidays loom. I'm into the sticks and string these days, actually working on small knitted items that can go in people's bags. The crazy thing is I'm starting far enough ahead where these projects may actually reach completion.

We got the lightest of flurries yesterday afternoon. The windows stay closed now, and I'm anticipating the plants will go outside less. Really wish I had the room for larger hoophouse materials. It's motivating.

Check out the latest posts at Melanie's Gym and Dark Meadow...

Have a good week, y'all!

Image from here.

Weekly post?

Definitely going to try to embrace farmer's hours in the near future, because this daylight-savings-time-ending thing is just too weird. Usually I could care less about springing forward or falling back, except for the pinch of inconvenience it brings with clocks and such, which isn't even that bad anymore because everything's so automated to change on its own now. But for some reason, this week's newfound darkness by 6PMish has me sleepy and out of sorts, and desperate for more TIME.

Part of it is work's fault, as I was locked out of the system yesterday, the sites dripped in there like molasses today, and we may have family visiting this week, so my desire to cram as much work in as possible is butting up against these obstacles...all of which have nothing to do with how many hours of daylight there are, since none of this activity takes place out of doors....but still.....

It does get me thinking about time management, and what I desire to accomplish in a given "day." Truth be told, I'm not doing nearly enough to follow my heart while bringing in dough, and reading folks like Shannon (my latest obsession), Amanda, and that little powerhouse, Jenna, I get angry with myself a bit, because I know deep-down the only difference between them and me is organization. And I don't even have the excuse of having kids or farm animals to wrangle! That shit's gotta change, because I really do love this life we're creating here, and don't want to have to go back to any kind of office job unless it's plum in my field and the employees fart rainbows.

So with that in mind, I'm going to try my damnedest to limit the posts here to once a week for the foreseeable future, because my time babbling on here to an unsuspecting public could be better used writing articles, drafting book proposals, exploring the pros and cons of self-publishing vs. shipping it off for rejection, and hand-making as many holiday presents as possible for our also-unsuspecting family members.

Wish me luck, try not to miss me too much ;)

Have a great week, y'all!

Image from here.

Friday?!?!

The Hubs hates getting his picture taken, so posing is almost
never in the cards, but I just love this outfit...the knee-high moccasin boots, color coordination up top, and hat with tails handmade by yours truly. We were driving through a section of Great Smoky Mountain National Park, taking pictures and drinking in all the beauty. Even got to see a herd of elk!

Seriously, where'd this week go and how do I get it back? Better yet, how do I find the energy to eat right when eating wrong makes me so rundown...

Such a learning experience. I keep saying that, and then I let something verboten slip in, like last night's few pieces of Halloween candy, and my inflammation is up around my midsection and I'm dragging my ass.

Whining about that nonsense should be reserved for Melanie's Gym, so I'll shut up. It's just frustrating though, going from a complete glutton and hedonist to someone who has to CAREFULLY choose their meals. Lot of emotional and physical hurdles to cross.

No trick or treaters this year :( I should've expected it, I mean, Weaverville is a town of about 3,000 people and we live smack in the middle of a main drag, so of course parents are going to want to hit actual neighborhoods. I was hoping being next to the trailer park (one of the nicer ones) would help, but no dice. So we have leftover candy, which I will happily keep my grubby paws off of now and let Hubs inhale instead.

Halloween made me ache for a child this year.

Weather was epically Halloweenie yesterday: cool, overcast, and blustery. It was awesome!

Have a great weekend, y'all!

*****

Editor's postscript: you guys were saved from some serious (likely long-winded) introspection this morning. I learned after writing this post, that a colleague, who I knew well enough to consider a friend, passed away this week from complications from the flu and other respiratory ailments. Only 28 years old. How do you die in your sleep at the age of 28???

I'm not close enough to the office or the situation to know the complete circumstances, but it definitely gets you thinking.....did he not understand the severity of his condition? did male ego or finances play a part in him not going to the doctor as his condition worsened? I have a real problem with the reasoning of "it was just his time..."...I save that BS for random car accidents and natural disasters. But it does punctuate how painfully tenuous our time on this earth is, how nothing should stand in the way of our health. Hug your loved ones, folks.