Pensive

Worse...hormonally pensive. I'm curled in on myself and don't want to be bothered until my brain has sorted some stuff out first. I'm thinking hardhardhard on what's holding me back from my dreams, why it's taken so long for me to even get to this point, why I've let so much time go by...everything from why we don't have children to why I haven't published yet is on the table, and I'm trying hard to look myself square in the eye.

The reality of this latest missed attempt isn't as crushing as I thought it would be, but there is this keening going on in my soul. "Have we waited too long?" screams through my head, thick with silent tears...

What is it about we humans that makes us take life for granted, this one life that we have...I thought I'd gotten the message 4 years ago, when my earth was shaken to its core, but the complacency slowly oozed its way back in and here we are, not really any closer to accomplishing anything...

My sister is in Bali as I write this. She planned this trip to Singapore and Bali to visit a dear friend, not thinking at all, I think, about how very far outside her comfort zone the trip would be. Since Dad, she's built quite a few walls around herself; they are there to maintain the appearance of control in her life. Conversely, my walls kind of fell down when Dad passed, because it illustrated widescreen to me how life is what happens while we're making other plans. So I'm crazy proud of her for going, and wondering if it'll help her unclench a little. And I look at her and wonder how it is that my lack of fear doesn't help me move forward at all...

I want to pound out my hurt on the elliptical, was planning that very thing after work...but I think what I need instead is yoga at home, the fluid movement of poses and centering of mind.

Image from here.

YAR

Yet another rally...and a post just to push down the previous one...

Don't know anything yet, but I need to get a grip. Got some packing accomplished yesterday, today will be errands and a bit of organizing. Focus on job hunt, let nature do its thing. Easy to say...

Random note: Nescafe is a surprisingly adequate alternative when you're out of Starbucks...no contest to the real deal, of course, but I expected it to taste like freeze-dried ass, and it's actually not bad.

OK, stuff to do...

Image from here.

A minor bout of small person hysteria...

Just need to verbally spew for a minute here, gang...feel free to ignore my possibly (hopefully!!!) hormonal ravings.

If there's one point in a woman's life when they're at their most irrational, it's the 2+ weeks between attempting to conceive a small human and peeing on the stick.

We haven't tried in almost a year. Time slips away, and Husby's libido/headache sitch hasn't changed. It is what it is. But Dad J being diagnosed with cancer jump-started something (woohoo!) and we started trying again. This is quite the sweet relief, not just for the indoor sports it requires, but also because my next birthday looms and I ache with the concern that we've waited too long.

So immediately following the act comes the internal conversations. I mean, literally inside the woman's head. They go something like this:

"Please gods, pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease..."
"Man, I want this too much, there's no way..."
"Can't think that way...no one would ever get pregnant if wanting to played a role..."
"Yea, but I shouldn't get my hopes up yet..."
"Yea, I know, already too late..."
"Man, I'm going to be so damned bummed when I get my period..."
"No, cut that out, that's defeatist thinking, doesn't do anyone any good..."
"Then again, if it's happening, it's already happening and my thinking isn't actually going to change anything, negative or positive..."
"Yea, but still..."
"Plus if you believe in positive thinking, the little critter needs plenty of it right now. It's going up against PCOS, a serious weight problem, sperm that swim in circles, and my damn age..."
"Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease...I want this so damn much..."

Repeat several times daily. Add the fact that I'm not experiencing actual PMS-y mood swings or water retention yet, and my brain sets off on another extreme...that my period's going to come late and taunt me into thinking I'm PG and then crush me.

My analytical brain can't shut the hell up. I do think I've gained weight in my boobs, but I've also been eating garbage lately with a side of garbage, so it could certainly be that too. Today I'm enjoying an all-over body fatigue that's giving me new hope....while also looking forward to the extra week I should wait before I even think about buying a test, because I'm often a little over a 30-day cycle. I've stopped going to the Y, because while I know I need to be in my best possible shape to pull this off, I'm also terrified of doing anything to keep the little sucker from sticking initially. Just give me a couple of more days...I'll do some yoga in the meantime, promise.

Any prayers, positive energy appreciated. Geez, I'm a case.

Taking Stock

Had the afternoon off yesterday, which is probably a sign of how much blogging occurs at work. ::gulp!:: Good thing my readership is so low...at least, I think it is....

Outside: Overcast and humid.

Inside: a little annoying being here...may see if they're still looking for people to escape. Work is desperately low right now; makes me very glad they appreciate my tenure/skills. Yes, I do have them!

Wearing: best slacks on the planet (seriously...I need every color), purple/green striped blouse, sandals...emerald green toe polish. Oh yea, you know you're jealous.

Reading: Finishing Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, looking forward to the next one...

Creating: Getting the itch once again. This weekend will be spent, among other things, starting a lacey-fun scarf, trolling the stash, and tucking into UFOs.

Going: nowhere hopefully...with paychecks back to normal, can barely afford gas. Keeps us home, which ain't bad right now. Bought small boxes last week, going to buy some mediums too and get packing!

Planning: because these things need to happen, not just me hoping that they will happen.....creating to-do lists and spreadsheets for the move, analyzing neighborhoods and staffing agencies, writing STUFF down!

Image from here.

Patriotism

Wasn't feeling it this year. Don't get me wrong; I can't imagine living anywhere else than America (well, except maybe Canada, but they'd have to do something about all that snow first...). We've got our freedoms, which are good, and I certainly appreciate the men and women who are serving our country, keeping those freedoms intact. I tend to have a problem with us forcing our way on other countries, but if it keeps the terrorism and violence of the world to a dull roar, then there must be some good in it.

I watched a bit of the July 4th shows on TV last night, found Josh Groban's time on Capitol Fourth to be ho-hum, but nice...missed the Boston Pops this year, because I just didn't have the attention span toward the end of the night. Besides, I grew up in New England, where it was on every year on the local channels and then some, and you can only see fireworks set to JP Sousa so many times before you want to strangle someone in 4/4 time...

But it gets you thinking about patriotism, this holiday. And there are plenty of ways to believe in it without showing it. I've also never liked our national anthem, think that is one poem that never should have been set to song, but that doesn't stop me from tearing up on Memorial and Veteran's Day, when it's played right. And my favorite black & white flick is Yankee Doodle Dandy, so maybe I'm just more Broadway than Constitutional Convention...whatever the hell that means.

But I think a large part of it this year is just location. Our porch is so tiny, there's no point sitting out on it. And that's what I wanted to be able to do last night, as my neighbors grilled and thoroughly ignored the fact that fireworks are illegal in Florida. When we get a house, I hope I can have an area for chairs out back (or front) where I can sit with my mason jar of sweet tea and watch the fireflies come up in the summer evenings. I know that's idyllic, but it's also doable. And we're so close to that, to renting a house hopefully, something with washer/dryer connections and a monthly payment that doesn't kill us, but does also allow us to live in a neighborhood where I don't have to wonder if the fireworks sounds on the 4th are just that, or the gunshots of folks taking advantage of a night where those noises blend together.

July means we have until the end of next month to let our complex know that we're moving. That realization occurred sometime this weekend. I'm researching neighborhoods and planning a trip up there, and thinking hard about starting with an agency for work. It makes the future a little shakier, but I just can't take "no" for an answer anymore where this move is concerned. It's something I've talked about for 10 years, on and off, the desire to get the hell out of Florida. I won't let fear stop us this time.

Image from here.

Random Thoughts

Have I used this one already? I dig natural paths, if you hadn't noticed yet...they're full of promise, hope, expectations, n' stuff...

Thinking I'd like to wear skirts more...also thinking that that thought is a phase derived from the plain living websites/blogs I've been reading, coupled with a desire to not look like such a big ole tomboy in my sandals...

"I felt all wool and a yard wide, and like I should be running around with a hockey stick instead of dancing."
Paraphrased from Fifteen by Beverly Cleary. The shit that stays in my head is just nutty...

So, if you look at another person's life and think it's pretty damn neat, that they're living a life that you really wouldn't mind living yourself, and you're willing to put forth the effort to make it happen in your own way, then doesn't it make sense to stop fucking whining about it and do something about it instead?!?!

This personal frustration brought to you by my apparent inability to get anyone in NC to look twice at my resume...we return you now to your regularly scheduled venting.

I love how drinking water makes me feel, but it's boring as dog snot and the exercise I get running to the john 14 times in a work day almost doesn't make it worth it. And no, I'm not a fan of seltzer. Or lemon.

Thinking seriously of going on a cleanse...but given I'll only have my 3 days off to ease into it, it's gonna be a modification of the current cleanses that got all the press around New Years...like Clean, but for a week instead of a month. I was really uncomfortably bloated yesterday (think it was a yeast reaction without the blinding headache that usually accompanies it, which worries me because that's usually my litmus test for when I'm overdoing it in that department), and I'm just sick of feeling like the crap I'm shoveling in...

Never mind that we're still trying for small people, and I can't imagine how my knees will feel if I gain any more weight...and that my cardiologist is expecting a weight loss when he sees me in September...I mean seriously, how many factors do I need before I start treating me right?

Enough of that bullshit...we're still on the fence as to whether or not we're going up to SC for the holiday. His dad's improving, and our presence there seems to disrupt more than it helps. But if Mom and Dad need Les for support in some ways (like driving...Mom J's the only one with a license up there), then he may go up himself on the train. I'd love to grab a day trip up to see Mom and Lil Sis while I'm there, if we go, but I'm also in the mindset of "we'll be there soon enough, so it's OK if I neglect them a bit right now"...crossing fingers and toes that that remains the case. I've received zero nibbles from all the job apps I've put in, and am thinking seriously of hiring myself out to one of those personnel agencies to get my damn foot in the door somewhere...

Image from here.

Taking Stock



How the hell is it Wednesday already?

Outside: summer in Florida

Inside: ever see Office Space?

Wearing: jeans, sandals, yellow T with striped overshirt to combat AC...

Reading: Girl w/Dragon Tattoo and the King James Bible (yes, i'm going through a phase, why do you ask?).

Creating: Short-row scarf (Lion brand pattern), plain vanilla sock ala Yarn Harlot, and Cozy all getting attention this week.

Going: maybe to SC this weekend, hoping for an escape trip to NC while I'm at it...

Hoping: Dad J continues to improve, I can find more time to hunt, and I can manage to maintain compassion for certain family members who don't deserve it. I guess continuing to believe they don't deserve it doesn't exactly push me in the right direction, huh?

Image from here.

Unplugged Sunday

Brainchild of Heather & Co. at beautythatmoves.

 

I've wanted to do this for so dang long. Apparently I need the motivation of gorgeous pics of my old stomping grounds. That beauty comes courtesy of the Unplugged Sunday blog, and it's Connecticut in a nutshell for me. Literally takes my breath away. The hilarious thing is I barely made it outside yesterday. Hard to spend time outdoors in Florida from June to September without spontaneously combusting.

My internal alarm woke me up at 7AM on Sunday, but rather than check to see if the L&O rerun on TNT was worth watching, I rolled over and went back to sleep until 9. Got up and puttered, cleaned the kitchen, made coffee and breakfast, and read for a bit. Been going thru another library phase...Bob Greene's Diabetic Best Life book is decent, has lots more information, but I'm glad I held off buying it, because I think I can make do with his standard Best Life book, and I need to quit spending on a whim. Those days are over. They just hired another editor, and OT is safely in the past for now. That hurts like hell and is motivating me further toward getting nibbles from my NC job hunting.

Got changed and went to the Y. God, I needed that. Did too much for my first day back (7 miles total), naturally, but it was so necessary. I've been gaining again, and having your clothes not quite fit in the heat of summer really sucks.

Me in all my post-Y, summer-splotchy-faced glory...eesh!

Got home, puttered some more. Been thinking of Goodwilling a bunch of purses, and digging out some interview clothes to place on my hanging rack in the bedroom closet (so I'm not frantically tearing through boxes when someone finally does answer my apps)...so I pulled out the rack and reorganized a bit. Which led to reorganizing my shoes as well, sorting the laundry, etc.

Believe it or not, that mess is an improvement!

Had lunch and read some more, until I felt my attention flagging and grabbed a nap. Felt luxurious, and somehow different, more relaxed, because I was napping to rest my body after that workout, not because my brain was overstimulated from technology. The thunderstorms woke me frequently, but I awoke feeling rested.

Puttered some more, treaded water a bit, because we had dinner planned, but it was becoming obvious that Husby was finally catching up on sleep as well...he hasn't been sleeping great the last couple of days/nights, since his Dad was back in the hospital. So I let him sleep, and gathered the recycling, which took several trips down to the car, because my bod wasn't letting me carry too much at one time, after that workout. Went and dropped the recycling, swung by McDonald's and confirmed the dangerous precedent that more and more local McD's are offering the chocolate chip cookies I crave (thereby negating some of that Y workout, I know...), and then went home. Fixed myself dinner, mentally looked at the small projects I'd completed and declared the day a success, and hopped on the computer just for a quick update. Maybe next week, I'll do all day. For my first time, wasn't necessary.

Crappy phone pic of Sally Hansen Gunmetal tootsies...pls ignore gigantic looking legs...I swear it's the angle!
 

The current crazy book piles

The rest of the evening was me time...repainted fingers and toes, watched a bit of tube (if you really want to make yourself feel old, check out Season 1 of Fame on the Ovation channel...Lori Singer! Bruno! Doris!...very weird...), read some more, and even picked up my knitting. I have this super-boring project on the needles that I'm mainly doing to use some old Encore, but glancing at Harlot's Knitting Rules in the same crazy pile/area has me thinking of picking up socks again too.

Taking Stock

I know I need to get to the Y. But my priorities are shifting as June slips away from us. Applied for 6 more jobs last night, which was more time spent on the computer after work; and I'm going to start reading Dad J's MBA textbooks just for funsies. Yea, I know I'm weird.

Outside: See photo: http://www.independentmail.com/photos/2011/jun/09/94270/. I'm so bummed, tried to upload the dang thing, but either Blogger's being a douche, or those buttholes figured out a way to deter copying without disabling right-click...lame...

Inside: chilly and not holding my interest well.

Wearing: favorite paisley shirt, beige slacks, blue Birk wannabes.

Reading: Bob Greene's Best Life for Diabetes, Home to Holly Springs, Understanding Business.

Creating: Lists...and sample articles for a particular job opp.

Going: hopefully NOWHERE! Need a weekend home to cart off the recycling and break down this place more...

Hoping: Dad J. continues to rally, and ANYBODY answers my applications...

The Smoky Tropics

Can't find a decent picture online or with my crappy cell phone that adequately illustrates the insanity here in NE Florida...I've lived in Florida for 25 years now, and this is the worst wildfire season in my memory. A bunch of new ones sparked in southern St. Johns County today, and combined with the continued GA fires (that took the lives of 2 forest rangers over the weekend) and a wind shift, it ain't fit for man nor beast out there.

The weekend...kind of lousy, kind of OK, kind of exhausting. Great to see Husby, and got to bring him home for now. He's expecting to go back soon; I'm figuring July 4th weekend. The family's working with quite a bit of denial. Some members are irrational for other reasons. I feel like a bystander, and hold my tongue even more than usual. I'm glad to be home. Tired today. Hiked Hitchcock Woods on Sunday, got thoroughly lost more than once. Body still complaining a bit, but feels good.

This week, back on the job hunting trail, hopefully some Y work. Not tonight. Gonna make some kind of real meal for dinner and putter. Still decompressing. There are several members of that family that need come-to-Jesus talks, and I have some orneryness to work out regarding that.

Finally Friday

A couple of years back, Les left me for about 3 weeks to help his folks move into their new house. I barely remember it, because nothing out of the ordinary occurred...we'd talk on the phone, I'd go to work, come home, putter. Maybe this visit is different, because there was so much stress attached...the not-knowing if Dad J. was dying or not, and not being able to be there for Les physically while the worst was going on. I empathized heavily since I've already seen that part of the movie, so to speak.

This week, I was a mess. Ate garbage, couldn't get motivated. Granted, there was enough going on where it wasn't even realistic to look for NC work or give the apartment a serious cleaning, but with the exception of a few moments of clarity, I've been pretty useless...which is naturally, going to make me super-busy tonight as I prep to go up to SC again, and it wreaked havoc on my waistline too. I have 3 months to pull up my cholesterol/bad fat #s or else my cardiologist is going to want to put me on a cholesterol med. I've reached a point where family crises are no longer an excuse for bad living. Nothing's an excuse anymore. : (

Dad's home, mainly resting and getting used to managing his pain. I'll go up tomorrow morning and stay til Monday, hopefully bringing Les home with me for now. Looks like we'll have plenty of reasons to visit this summer though, which is fine with me, as we really need to start scoping NC for potential living areas. Hoping for a pinch of "me" time, even if it's distracted by the niece, so I can research and brainstorm for some articles I'm writing, and maybe I'll hit Hitchcock Woods in the early morning one day.

Image from here.

Rays of hope

Pretty, isn't it? I dream of a 2nd room in a house, that works as an office and guest room. I'd love a daybed for lounging, with lots of handmade pillows...

Yesterday was the worst yet, hence my truncated stock taking. The news was bad, and it was forcing a mindset that brought back memories of 2007. I'm able to process bad information quite easily now, put it into categories in my head, but it still makes for a very black mood.

Yesterday, my FIL's cancer was given a name, and his liver was failing. They blasted his body with a chemo cocktail, and we all prayed. I've watched organs fail, so there are still questions in my head (about the toxins that are still floating around in his body thanks to the liver failing), but the upshot is that we've been given a quick reprieve. His numbers improved significantly in 24 hours, and he was sent home today. He's not being sent home to die; he's being sent home to continue living. They may dose him again next week, or they'll revisit his chemo regimen in 3 weeks. My thanks to everyone who lit a candle physically or in their heads for Les Jr., because someone's listening out there...

The family drama continues on other fronts...there's one family member who I think hasn't fully grasped at all the gravity of the situation, but there's probably not a whole lot of sense in trying to illuminate her. She and her cohort don't think or act rationally, and some fights aren't worth the effort.

I was adrift yesterday, trying to be strong, but exhaustion took hold and I napped as soon as I got home from work. It was just what I needed; I woke up semi-refreshed, and was able to putter with a clearer head. Then around 10 p.m., TV wasn't cutting it, so I went to the kitchen and knocked out the rest of the dishes. It's mind-blowing how such a simple thing puts me in the right place.

I'll head to SC early Saturday morning to visit and help out. Hoping to bring Les home for now, but it's in the maybe column. The difficult family member resents vehemently his being there, so it may be better for family tranquility if he comes back home, but we'll see...he's there for Mom and Dad, not for her, so she can get the hell over it as far as we're concerned. I ache to smack sense into her, but know that wouldn't do any good either...

Saw a good quote today, the gist of it being that the only thing that makes something a part of your life is your willingness to continue thinking about it. An excellent reminder that things that are beyond your control don't deserve your attention. Life's so damn short.

Image from here.

Taking Stock

Outside: thick smoke from the GA/FL wildfires

Inside: cool...slightly unreal...that feeling of wonderment that life keeps on going in the face of tragedy.

Wearing: jeans, sandals, yellow T

Reading: Bob Greene's Best Life for diabetics...not there yet, but if I don't change my ways, I will be.

Creating: n/a

Going: back to SC this weekend. Dad J's been diagnosed. I ache with what Les's family is about to face. I pray ...

Hoping..........

Displaced

Actually, I'm not the one displaced. My dad-in-law is, and my husband. Dad's been in the hospital since Friday, will probably be there til at least Wednesday. DH is still up in SC, helping support Mom and lend a hand driving where necessary.

Totally frickin' weird not having him in town. He's just always here, this presence. Since he doesn't work, he's always home when I get home. There are evenings when his head kicks his butt enough where he mostly sleeps, but at least he's here. I'm not whining. It's just weird.

I don't know how the weekend was....it's hard to formulate words. Every test, it seems, they find a little more bad news. And the test results are interminably slow to come back, even though they're running at normal pace. So we sit in a holding pattern, while Dad's in pain. I'm basically numb to it still. It's not denial. Heh, that's classic. What I mean is I've already been through the worst, the searing, breathless rage of losing a parent, so I'm able to be strong for Les. Thank gods, because we could have a long road ahead. Dad's OK for now, gaining strength, and they're managing his pain and running more tests.

I'll keep busy, hunting, cleaning, and I hope to hit the Y tomorrow or Wednesday. All prayers welcome.

Image from here.

Taking Stock

God in heaven, why can't we learn lessons in life without the pain?

This post is likely going to OD on "perspective," so be warned.

My husband is the gentlest human being on the planet. The second gentlest is his father. Who just found out he has cancer.

We're going up to visit this weekend. I won't be surprised if Les stays up there. It's an option, to help out, since he's still not working, and won't be until we move. The age range in that house is from 4 to 90, and there just aren't enough able hands.

Prayers and healing energy please.

Outside: Hot with a fragrant breeze.

Inside: suddenly unacceptable.

Wearing: new sandals that are miraculously comfortable and who the hell cares what else...

Reading: Jan Karon's In the Company of Others. Extraordinary, Exquisite, and a couple of other E words! I thank the gods I didn't lose the taste for her books after I went pagan. The woman's getting a thank-you note and I'm giving Home to Holly Springs another try.

Creating: nothing to report

Going: see paragraph 4

Hoping: Dad can start a positive, forward-thinking treatment right away (he sees an oncologist tomorrow), and I can stay strong for those who need me.

Image from here.

Ungrumpy Monday

I really don't know what to make of this upturn in spirits. Not questioning it, of course, just realizing how I spent the last couple of months just slogging through life.

Saturday was early errands and then I hit the boxes. Discovered the "corner of doom" wasn't nearly as bad as I thought, though it also meant not nearly enough was going to get purged. We own piles of board games for our's, and hopefully our children's, future enjoyment, that in a house, will go in a closet, but for now, are relegated to boxes. There's also CDs and VHS tapes that will go in a future entertainment center. While the VHS tapes are certainly falling to the wayside, the fact is that we still have players for them, so they aren't obsolete under our roof yet; heck, our stereo even has cassette decks! Do people even buy stereos anymore? So while we recognize the digital age is upon us, we're not ready to go whole-hog digi just yet...we need backup systems/flash drives in place at the least, first, before we can purge some of that stuff. So there's more boxes. Also, two boxes of Dad stuff from like, the garage, that I know I'll use in a house. And I didn't even realize our Christmas tree was back there. So I pared down a box or two, assessed the others, and placed Les's stuff within reach so he could organize and purge...which in a spurt of energy, he did on Sunday.

Sunday we did Bob Evans, came back and organized some more, and then relaxed. Taking the time to relax and not self-flaggelate over it...has been refreshing, to say the least. I read, played, job hunted. The job hunting was depressing on Saturday (my field is narrowing a bit in Charlotte for open positions in my field...I've applied for most that I'm qualified for and heard nothing), but I expanded the search to the whole state on Sunday and submitted quite a few more apps. This week will be follow-up on those, because I have to find ways around the painfully anonymous process of applying for jobs now...send in an email with resume, don't call us, we'll call you. It's perfect for a closet case like myself, but ain't going to get me hired anywhere unless I light a fire under my own and some future employer's butts!

Positive energy please, in two directions today: my father-in-law, who's have some gall bladder issues; and the firefighters in NE Florida/SE Georgia as they contain the wildfires in our area.

Image from here.

Mental wanderings...

Quite a few years ago now, I got my first tattoo, a little circle of colors, sun and moon forms, from a drawing I found in a pagan book, on the upperside of my right wrist. I put it there because if I was going to scar my body for life, I wanted it to be somewhere I could always look upon it if I wanted to, but also somewhere I could cover with a watch if I happened to work in a conservative field in the future.

Used to wear a watch daily, but I think that stopped as my job became so computer-focused. Luckily, my current company's totally cool about the body art. I'd love to wear a watch on my right and my buddhist mala beads on my left, but with all the typing and mouse work, they'd just end up making me nutty.

Was sitting at work staring at the tiny digital clock readout at the bottom right of my screen, enjoying the contradiction of wanting badly for it to be 2 hours later while simultaneously not wanting time to pass so quickly, and the thought occurred to me that I'd be happier not wearing a watch or being lashed to any sort of time device, if I could tell time by how the sun moves across the sky while I'm working in a garden......

I know I'll probably always need a "real job" to keep us in food and shelter, but I still hope I can think up something worthwhile to publish someday too. And even if my farm is nothing more than a half-subsistence/half-hobby concept, I still hold out hope for that dream and it sustains me. Imagining my hands sinking into warm earth to break up clods and plant seeds and seedlings. Scattering feed for chickens and checking their grit and water. Training dogs to go off the leash within earshot on my property. Maybe even pausing while gathering manure for the compost, to scratch a sheep behind the ears...

For now, there's plans and boxes. When I'm not on the computer this weekend, looking hard at how I can make the move work, I'll be in a box. DH voiced getting into boxes this weekend too, bless his heart. We'll dig up our pasts and pare down for our future.

It's been a good week. I'm in a mental place I hadn't realized had been misplaced for a while. They offered OT this weekend, on the next pay period where I could actually earn it without extra effort, and I said no, thank you. There's too much to do at home, and this feeling needs to stick around, which means a little planning and effort on my part. The kitchen sink's still full and the apartment's a shambles, but it's my life and right now, it's working in spite of itself.

Thanks for listening, y'all! Have a safe weekend.

Image from here.

What's this I'm feeling...

I like to say that I know my limitations. It's what keeps me from talking on the phone while driving my stick-shift car, or deluding myself into thinking I can handle a second job.

I didn't think the OT was that bad, usually only 10 hours a week extra. But with no OT bearing down on me this week, I'm noticing a big difference in how I feel. The kitchen sink may still be cluttered and my mojo isn't quite back yet at the Y, but I'm definitely more relaxed. And this is sans chocolate the past 2 days!

Just thought I'd share that there's some happy going on here... : )

Taking Stock

Holy crap, this morning is dragging! My mornings don't normally drag; it's the afternoons that do that, especially on Thursdays for some reason. But this morning has been about 2 days long, and I think I need to do lunch away from the desk today. Oughta do that every day anyway.

Did yoga last night, and I'm so glad I did. It's a pinch disconcerting to watch the instructor go through the motions and discover that she can go from standing forward bend to upward bow FROM THE TOP...but I forgave her, because the instructions otherwise are idiotproof, very detailed and clear about what body part is supposed to be where during X pose...which I totally need since I'm a beginner, flat-footed, arthritic, etc.

Outside: smoky, hazy, hot...had to juggle some stuff before getting in car this morning and was sweaty and feeling bereft by the time I turned the key :P

Inside: noisynoisynoisy...newbies getting trained. I have a nearby coworker who's the nicest lady, but whose voice is like nails on a chalkboard to me for some reason. Have spent the morning listening to iPod and desiring to punch a baby...

Wearing: seriously casual...jeans, pink top, wannabe Birks.

Reading: Bob Greene's Best Life Diet.

Creating: putting rows on Cozy Saturday lit a tiny fire under my knitting muse...I started a short-row scarf and am thinking of reorganizing the WIPs...

Going: nowhere yet...

Hoping: we get one more OT opp while the newbies are being trained, while simultaneously revelling in getting my free time back...hitting the Y tonight and relaxing better in the evenings...

Image from here.

Did nothing this weekend. Pretty much absolutely nothing. Felt damn good. I needed it.

We're reaching a stage where it may be easier to just move everything and then deal with it after we've settled in NC anyway. We'll see. Gotta get a job first. And a home. And...

Actually, I spent Sunday and most of Monday feeling like crap and fighting headaches that can be attributed to bad behaviors. It's good they happened, because it helped give me that shove toward healthier eating. Today I'm finally headache-free, and the new leaf has been turned over once again.

Admittedly feeling a bit inspired by some friends who have gone vegan, but I know that's not what I need. I am however, dropping red meat and pork until further notice, decreasing chicken and eggs, upping the wild fish and veggie intake, dropping all junk food and white stuff, and praying I maintain the strength to make these changes stick. I haven't forgotten that cardio appointment.

OT is decreasing, thank gods. Hitting the Y tonight and creating fresh regimen for June. How the hell is it June already? I renewed my subscription to Vegetarian magazine, added Yoga Journal. Gotta decrease the coffee too, if not for the caffeine intake, than certainly for the sugar I slop into it.

Pouring water into my system today in a vain attempt to flush out some of the fat that went in this weekend. I'm so fucking over eating lousy.

Image from here.

I seek inspiration...

In blogs and on Tumblr...I seek it outdoors and in technology, because I don't consider myself as having a whole lot of creative talent. I can write a clear, concise sentence, and possibly decorate something tastefully...don't even know about that 2nd one, because the current apartment definitely doesn't count...but I am not a skilled artist. Drawing is difficult, my knitting is adequate/average, and I haven't made the time to explore other media. Perhaps my gifts are only meant to involve the written word, but I can't settle on that yet. Not when there's so much beauty to derive inspiration from/from which to derive inspiration... ; )

I've been addicted to Tumblr lately. I have about a dozen blogs I follow, and I snitch images frequently. I go through phases and themes. I'm a fan of interior design, country living, smart humor, smart writing, NY fashion, and nature shots. Oh, and Peanuts. It's opened up a fresh Internet world to me, and as someone who's been on the sucker daily for years now, that's saying something. There's just so "much" out there!

Unrelated thought: I married Linus. It's pretty awesome : )

Image from here.

Taking Stock

Wandering brain today...

Does every 30- and 40-something dream of building their own home? I doubt we actually will, but I'd love a fixer-upper someday that we end up gutting in places. That pic above was one for the Tumblr, a possible concept for my "dream kitchen."

I'm not there yet, diet-wise. It's so damn overwhelming. Like all the dreaming about eating healthy, being a brown-rice-and-veggies gal just got shoved from oh-maybe-someday to now-or-you're-risking-diabetes-and-that-early-death-thing...It's scary and I'm still so angry with myself.

That said, I fully recognize the irony of reading the book Plenty while polishing off the rest of the Hamburger Helper at lunch today...and once again recognizing how frickin' easy it would be to make it from scratch, sans chemicals and processing agents...so damn tired of hindsight.

I have started the Vitamin D and Omega 3s...more progress pending...

Outside: criminally gorgeous...I wish to be outside sucking up the Vitamin D through my sunblocked Irish skin...

Inside: there are gorillas...

My phone takes seriously crappy pictures. It's part of an ad campaign for "Gorilla Online Marketing"...the images used are pretty cute actually. The printed gorilla wears blue shorts and red boxing gloves. The little guy on my cupcake has a tiny silver back.

Advertising is a very strange business.

Wearing: sleeveless black and white blouse that only exacerbates that desire to get sun on my skin...also, loving how my hair falls onto my bare shoulders...

Reading: the aforementioned Plenty, Bob Greene's Best Life Diet, and the Dragon Tattoo is still getting attention...

Creating: Brown Rice with Chicken and Broccoli tonight or tomorrow...lists and budgets for the move this weekend...

Going: NOWHERE!!! Holiday weekend coming up and no responsibilities except to ourselves. I'll be in a box if you need me...

Hoping: I get out of my grumps, shore up my strength, and do everything I need to do this weekend to change my health and our living sitch...

Top image from here. Middle one's mine.

Heart Monday

This image is my attempt to lighten my mood, coupled with the reality that I'll need to be eating more sunflower seeds in the very-near future. And almonds. And vegetables. And whole grains. And...

Had my "come to Jesus" meeting with the cardiologist today. Most of the advice comes from statistics and the ARNP, but the message is the same. My mood is rather black today, but it's not self-loathing per se, just an undercurrent of anger with myself, and a touch of fear.

My heart's healthy, or as healthy as it can be, given my size. Actually, I'm probably lucky in that aspect...given my diet, I should have beginning atherosclerosis, but my angio last year was clear. But now that I've had 2 or 3 echocardiograms, I'm able to see what results were flukes and what results have stuck around. Same with my blood work. It's enlightening.

It's interesting that the mere mention of placing me on another medication is what's hitting home. They're putting me on Vitamin D for 3 months, but I talked them out of the cholesterol med. I'll add a fish or flaxseed oil supplement and red yeast extract (gotta research...that may be an either/or thing...). And the diet is changing immediately.

So. damn. angry.

Image from here.

Sunday planning

Motivation's slow to engage this morning. Temps in low 90s. I'm recognizing that I need to shelve the idea of growing anything this season. Even though the money I would put toward it would be minimal, it would likely be a bust, given the growing conditions here and the fact that my free time needs to be spent on just getting us the hell out of this apartment/godforsaken state. There will be time, and land, later for growing my own food. Patience. Just wish I hadn't grown, and quickly killed, those herbs in the process.

The OT is still present, and so I push on. I'm tired of it literally...came home yesterday and crashed, which is becoming a Saturday ritual, and makes the weekend go by that much faster, because I'm rather useless after I awake. I puttered a bit, but no boxes got worked. That will happen today, once I can conjure the fortitude to hit the store for staples. I need to work in the apartment, rather than let my company loyalty draw me toward the remote work. It needs to be a me day.

Amanda Soule had her baby, a beautiful girl. Not sure why I mention this, except that it's on my mind. I know we won't have a pack of kids someday, but there's still hope for one, or even two. As we head toward a treatment for Les that may decrease his pain, a glimmer of hope alights.

Image from here.

Taking Stock

Hump day seems to bring an upswing in mood. Mondays are brutal by default, and Tuesdays have all the glamour of toe funk, but with Wednesdays, there's a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel and it may not be the headlamp from the oncoming train. I'm more focused, the coffee actually works, and taking stock can actually happen.

OT is dwindling fast at work, which sucks royally and couldn't happen at a better time. It gets seriously draining, the extra work here and there, and if you're not organized well enough, your head slips underwater quite easily.

So glad we have that little bit of extra dough to celebrate DH's birthday. He NEVER has decent birthdays; something happens to derail things or get him depressed, and this year being the big 4-0, I have my work cut out for me. Gotta run by Wallyworld tonight for potting soil (for the herbs) and some last-minute decorations n' stuff...ordered him a banana cream pie from Village Inn, and got him some nice gifties, and we're going out to dinner tomorrow night.

Darn herbs fade fast if you're not careful...just a day and a half of neglect and the basil already looks sorry. Going to transplant them tonight and rig something for the porch this weekend to keep them outside and protected. One of my last "mad money" purchases may be one of those mini-greenhouse racks of shelving and plastic...

Outside: pleasant...we have even opened the windows the last 2 nights, which is sheer bliss!

Inside: chattery...odd, how the collection agents can annoy me, but I can work fine at home with Spongebob in my left ear....

Wearing: jeans, sneaks, blue top...

Reading: Long Road to a Tomato and Girl with the Dragon Tattoo...gonna need to just buy the latter and its counterparts, so I can stop worrying about library deadlines...

Creating: chicken ala king Sunday night that was met with praise...black bean quesadillas tonight, which I think Husby is skeptical about, but I'm betting the overuse of cheese will win him over ;) ... also trying a chicken piccata recipe on Friday...

Going: still weird not having Mom around wanting to do stuff on the weekends...but with OT, the weekends have become Saturday: work and then veg with dead brain and slack jaw; Sunday: mad dash to get shit done. Hopefully, can break that cycle a little while still getting in some relaxing.

Hoping: Les has a good birthday, and I get a little more organized.

Image from here.

Whinewhinewhine...

I need a naturopath. No, I just need to suck it up and change my diet. I'm sitting here with a candida headache that I can't do anything about, because I don't have any Advil, and these headaches usually yawn in a bored fashion and then ignore Advil anyway.....I'm trying to knock it out with extra caffeine and all that's succeeded in doing is making my teeth hurt, which increases the headache. My concentration is shot, and I've already decided I'm blowing off the Y in favor of yoga, after a spot of shopping for Husby's impending birthday. His b'day's Thursday, and I can't stand waiting til the last minute, so.....

What started the headache? Krispy Kremes, plain and simple...indulged because a coworker was offering (hey, Melanie, ever heard of "no, thank you"?) and now it's hard to concentrate on work cuz of the pain...like I needed something else to distract me. Husby's been supplementing my supplements with his Align, but I say what's the point if I'm not willling to help myself? Do I really want diabetes? Insulin resistance? Metabolic disorder? NO! But I'm the goddamn poster child for all that crap if I don't change my eating habits pronto : (

Spent a chunk of the morning doing NC move stuff, and my mods numbers are going to register at suckage level today.....also found a nice, fresh pile of Tumblr sites to follow, which helped punctuate a) how very much there is "out there" to learn from, and b) how very much I need to scale back on the damn-blasted Internet. How do Waldorfers do it?! I gotta find a happy medium somehow, because way too much of my day goes into staring at a screen......

Not sure this blog will ever be more than a journal for me, but there are days I'm sure glad it's here.

Image from here.

Doing Right by Us

Sunday stretches before me, full of promise. I'm grateful. Didn't even do much OT this week, but I was working later each day to acquire the privilege of OT on top of time off, plus getting back to exercising, and my brain and bod need better planning. The good news is my knee's doing better; the bad news is my brain shut down last night and I couldn't do more than stare at the tube. Necessary, but frustrating all the same.

I've started a grocery list and created a meal plan for the whole week. This is huge; we've been eating out far too much and last night was the straw that broke the camel's back for me. I stood at Dave & Buster's for a solid half hour waiting for takeout, and realized what an idiot I've been. It was a great meal, and as much as my depressed psyche could handle on a Saturday night after OT and a nap that didn't assuage my tiredness....but it was enough. We're going to do better this week.

We edge ever closer to move time...no real nibbles yet on job hunting, but I need to create some writing samples later this evening, because I have a line on a contract job. Makes things more tenuous, but could at least get us out the door, you know...I'm rather terrified of contract work, but I'm not going to let that scare me off what could be a good opportunity. Also, may be expanding the search...have a feeling Les is saying yes to Charlotte without a fight, because he knows that's a good city for job hunting, but I need to poke the bear on this, see where else he's curious about living. Just because I'm still the breadwinner, doesn't mean we have to be limited by job search parameters. The "I'll move wherever you want, because you make me happy" argument ... yea, it's great, but I'm interested in where he sees our lives headed too.

Image from here.

Friday

Looks about right.

Attention span meandering today...hoping for a rally. Gotta work OT tomorrow, but I'm not going to let it shred me. Tired today, though; gonna need a pinch of relax time tomorrow after the website fun.

Happy weekend, y'all!

Image from here.

Taking Stock

This is a hard week. Nothing to do but put on a smile, keep your head down, and push through it. The memories are like ocean waves, quiet one moment, threatening to topple you over the next, and all the while your feet sink deeper into the sand.....

This time 4 years ago, we knew he was dying, but he was still communicating...Les and I went home spent, numb, I rested for 10 minutes, and knew I had to get back there, so I changed clothes, grabbed yarn, and drove back, and spent a big chunk of that afternoon sitting on the floor of his hospital room, knitting a new throw for something to do, trying to will the life back into his organs with every stitch.....

Real easy to concentrate on website editing with that crap going through your head...it's a blast.

Tomorrow's 4 years since we lost Dad. Ironically, I have my annual echocardiogram scheduled tomorrow morning, and then I'm going up to the arboretum for a nature walk before heading into work. I pray the aches stay tolerable.

Outside: May in Florida and spring is leaving fast...supposed to get up to mid-90s today. Sonofabitch.

Inside: may need Starbucks and the iPod today to get any work done.

Wearing: jeans, wannabe Birks, favorite shirt

Reading: Long Road to a Tomato, Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Whole Foods Market Cookbook

Creating: a fitness regimen that works apparently! Looking forward to the Y again tonight, not overdoing it, knee feeling OK.....

Going: OT Saturday, then closing myself in the living room until we pare at least 6 boxes down to 3...

Hoping: Dad knows we're doing OK.

Image from here.

Walking

I've been on a bit of an emotional roller coaster with my knee...not wanting to shell out a co-pay, just so an orthopedist can tell me what I already know: that I need to lose the weight and that RICE alternated with heat and ibuprofen are the basic treatments for osteoarthritis...while also wondering if I'm being a know-it-all. I probably am, but after one too many visits to my general practitioner for one thing or another where she ends up confirming what I figured out online, it becomes harder to get off my high horse. And I know my body...I'm not enjoying significant pain, just aches and stiffness with intermittent weaknesses; and after skipping the Y for like, April, I'm not ready to think it's something else until I've been back at the exercise for a month or so.

So I laid out a fitness plan for May, and I'm actually trying to follow it. There's stuff planned out for basically every day, but there's wiggle room...the yoga days are becoming off days too frequently already, but I am back at the Y, in spite of the delicious/damn OT at work. However, no one should have to suffer through the Y on a Monday evening...it's packed to the rafters with guilty yuppies who just had naughty weekends...makes it hard to even get on the machines.

So I declared Monday my walking day. It's been too damn long since I've been in the fresh air. Had to walk to the store on Saturday, because we had a flat tire and needed quarters to top off the spare, and it was like getting reacquainted with the outdoors, in all its glaring splendor. Felt good and lousy at the same time, because I didn't think to wear my knee brace, so my knee gave me nice stabs of intermittent pain there and back that had me wondering just how much cartilege is left in the damn thing...

Also, I signed up for the Heart Walk in September. I'll beg for dough for that in another post. My reasoning: a) I wanted to sign up for the Arthritis Walk, but they already had Jacksonville's this year and Charlotte's happens before I move, b) the AHA may deal more with heart attacks and strokes, but I can always hope that some funds go to research to prevent/detect aortic dissections better, and c) I needed a goal. I don't buy that you've necessarily walked 2 miles if the elliptical machine says you have, so I knew this would get me outdoors more.

I set out tonight with just enough daylight left to get me up to the Episcopal church and back, which I thought was 2 miles (Daily Mile says it's 2.67...hot damn!). The brace changes my gait, and this isn't a bad thing. My stride can be long, which snaps out my legs and doesn't do my knees any good either. With the brace on and my knee's current inconsistencies, it's a much more careful gait that follows my posture better. I don't break any speed records right now and I'm fine with that; was still a good cardio workout. I don't wear an iPod either, because while I feel safe in my neighborhood, it's not the same thing as trusting your neighborhood to be safe. Plus there's quite a few cyclists that time of night, who can't safely use the access road; and we have a homeless guy who rides in our area too...appears harmless, but also talks and sings to himself. So I like to have my wits about me.

So I watched for people and traffic and my wheels turnedturnedturned in my head about how deeply furious I am with myself for letting my body break down like this and how important it's becoming that I get healthy. If anybody tried anything while I was out and about, I wouldn't be able to break into a run right now. When you're big, you feel invincible, even if it's flab; you develop a hearty ego and feel like you can handle anything. That's not the case at present. I'm developing an empathy for Les and Mom, understanding a bit better the frustration that accompanies disability. The difference is mine is avoidable and can be remedied, at least in part.

My knee wasn't stiff this evening; the day's stiffness had been lubricated away by the walk. That was a powerful lesson, because it's very easy to not want to exercise when it's aching or stiff; but remembering that with care, you can do some good, is vital.

Tomorrow's healthy lunch and snacks are prepped, and I'll hit the Y after work. I feel proud and strong.

Image from here.

Taking Stock

So. Whatever barely-worth-mentioning weight was lost a month ago has been gained back and then some, and I am finally back on the Y horse...or bike or elliptical or whatever.

I was expecting bad news on the scale, but it still stings; and the latest concerns with my right knee had me torn as to what the hell I could do exercise-wise...torn being an appropriate verb, since I'm worried about tearing something. It's weaker since the move (and the frickin' month off I took from the Y) and gets stiff easier; but thankfully the ache is minimal still. So it's time to get back on my machines and suck it up, and while I'm at it, start journaling food again...because I'm so a candidate for insulin resistance and metabolic disorder. Who am I kidding, I'm already there...

Outside: mild, 60s to 80s today...

Inside: vanilla

Wearing: the most comfortable outfit on the planet...my blue-green paisley shirt, beige SOFT Lee slacks that I need 10 more pairs of, and black flats....seriously, I could be buried in this outfit, if I weren't being cremated...

Reading: The Garden of Eating, Goat Song, keep picking up and putting down Made from Scratch...which is why I'm so glad I own it now :)

P.S. Goat Song really graphic...if you ever wanted to know about goat nookie, this is the book for you. I wasn't a fan of goats for my future farm before starting to read, but I'm pretty certain they aren't an option now. Practically made me squeamish, and I'm not normally one of those girls...cockroaches make me weak, but otherwise, I can stand ankle-deep in manure, if you know what i mean...

Creating: still dry in this department....do To-Do lists count?

Going: hopefully nowhere special...too much to do at home.

Update: The most recent medical tests were fine. Have an echo next week, just an annual check, so not expecting any surprises, but the blood work should result in a come-to-Jesus talk with my cardiologist later in the month. Meantime, I'll start that food journaling and I am scheduling Y workouts in between my OT time.

Image from here.

Torn

I'm a Buddhist. I may be just starting out in the study of the philosophy, I may not have the ole monkey mind settled by any stretch of the imagination yet, but I can safely say I've become a Buddhist.

Upon seeing the news this morning that Osama Bin Laden had been killed by our Navy Seals, my fleeting response was relief...the boogeyman was no more, Voldemort was conquered. But I say fleeting, because immediately following that news, the pictures came up on the web showing people dancing and celebrating in front of the White House, and my relief turned quickly to repulsion, to sorrow for a mankind that would celebrate another human's death, no matter how much destruction he had perpetrated on our soil. And I'm afraid to say much more because then I'm welcoming comment from folks questioning my patriotism or sanity.

I understand the need to celebrate. I do. I sat in my office at 8:40-whatever on 9/11 and watched in horror as the towers fell (the company had wheeled in a couple of giant TVs so we could follow it, because even 10 years ago, TV was better at reporting that stuff than web vid...and we're a website company!), and I spent the morning in fear, dialing through jammed circuits to ensure that my friend on 5th Avenue had been nowhere near the destruction. She was fine, had a bird's eye view of it, as it turned out. I plain couldn't watch any of the 9/11 movies or documentaries that were made, because it was just too chilling...hearing the tapes, the "let's roll!" of the PA flight, sends chills down my spine to this day...because I understand the love of country that would bring those people to fight their captors. As time passed, I read the first-hand accounts of folks who lived through it, and the NY L&Os did a nice job of highlighting the health ailments, PTSD, and other issues that have befallen NY's police and firefighters in the wake of the tragedy. Yes, I know that's fiction, but it gives you the nudge to learn more...and the more is heart-breaking.

But I can't accept an eye for an eye.

Pause while my old College Republican buddies pass out cold from the shock...

Even with the thousands of deaths that occurred at the hands of this man, even with the monumental suffering he has caused in our nation and around the world, the level of hatred and destruction he has encouraged and created...it doesn't justify his murder. All I could think after that first wash of relief was "where does it end?" They talk of the threat of terrorism being heightened in the wake of his death, and the US just laughs, because this act has proven, once and for all, that you don't fuck with us, that whatever suicide bombers come our way, we can handle it...and the wheel keeps turning, pointing us further from peace.

I get that peace won't occur in my lifetime, I'm not an idiot. But free will gives me the ability to feel this way. Beyond this, I'll keep silent on the subject. I know my thoughts and they're unpopular, and I'm not a debater when it comes to personal philosophy.

P.S. Snitched from my friend A. with thanks:
"I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that."
—Martin Luther King, Jr.

Images from here, here, and here.

Thoughts of a Sunday

 
"Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do."
~ John Wooden

Image from here.

Fabulous Friday

  There's somethin' about a Friday. I'm working a pinch of OT tonight, 4 hours tomorrow, and have been given access to work to my heart's content from home if desired, but the fact that it's Friday still blows my skirt up.

Did not wake up at O-dark-thirty to catch the "I do's" but am curious about her dress and their titles n' stuff. Cuz I'm sorry, but I think you have to be a little dead inside to not care a whit about how those two motherless boys have turned out. How incredibly weird their lives must be, how much they have to live with and up to...can you even imagine being a newlywed in that sitch? "Right, good show, another receiving line, man, I wanna get her dress off..."

Perhaps I'm a tad crude, but c'mon folks! They're going to have to honeymoon on the dark side of the moon to get any privacy.

Mom's moving into her new place as I write this, the lucky stiff. I'm grateful for the opportunity to work from home this weekend and next week. It will give me a good sense of the conditions I can work under and what conditions would need to change if that was a viable option. I'm reasonably sure I can't make enough to live on with my company's delightful remote contract (they do NOT pay fairly in that department), but I want it to be a part-time option when we move.

Sidebar: My check wasn't as high as I expected this pay period, because I forgot that they pay PTO out at our base rate, which is a good $5 to $7 per hour less than my gross. I really would like to know how that's legal. Then again, we've also been told in the past that it's illegal to work both in-house and remotely at the same time, so me thinks any argument I could pose would fall on a brick wall, because they obviously know all the loopholes in the system...

OK, enough of that rant...looking ahead to nice weather, some organizing, and getting back to walking and the Y in spite of my knee. Damn thing takes one step forward and two steps back in recovering, which makes me wonder if I've finally slipped into a more chronic level of the arthritis. Whatever, I'm researching on the Arthritis Foundation website, watching my calories, and signed up for the Heart Walk in September. Wanted to do Arthritis Walk, but it's already past, and the Charlotte one occurs before we move. So if you're flush with tax money and looking for a good cause, toss me an email and I'll let you know how you can donate.

Image from here.

This is why I'm superstitious!

http://www.firstcoastnews.com/news/article/202240/3/Morning-Update-VIDEO--US-1-Reopened-After-100-Acre-Fire

Made that crack about how forest fire season hasn't been bad yet this year on my blog post yesterday...about 6 PM last night, I could smell the smoke from inside my office building and the air was thick with it when I left.

Doesn't hold a candle to Alabama's tragedy, of course...which brings up why I think social media isn't a bad thing. I stalk people on Facebook, because I care about them. It could be as simple as wondering what happened to that person from elementary school or as complex as wanting an extra rein on my besties...I like having ties with people. Funny considering how antisocial I consider myself to be...

I had two besties in high school, K and M. K I've stayed in touch with, M I lost touch with quite a few years back...and she was an amazing person, so I always think of her when I'm procrastinating and then not sending Christmas cards. All I know is she lives outside Birmingham...so all I can do is pray. I'm sure she's fine, but the not knowing sucks.

I listen to NPR on the way into work this morning and hear about the number of dead in the wake of the storms...and then it segues to Libya and the number of dead from a recent bombing there. And I wonder how in the world we are able to take life so un-seriously when it could all be gone in an instant...

Taking Stock

Wow. Damnedest thing. Didn't eat chocolate last night before bed. Woke up today with no headache and clearer thought processes. The clouds have seriously fucking parted here. We'll bypass the rant where I rail about how I can't learn a lesson until it's beaten into my aching head with a fucking sledgehammer.

Outside: 80s, mild breeze, threat of rain later that won't come...haven't seen a lot of forest fire activity this spring, thank goodness. Drove through a bank of smoke near the I-95/295 interchange one day last week, but otherwise...prayers to those folks in AL/GA who are currently in their bathtubs waiting for the tornados and scratching their heads as to how summer came so quickly this year...

Inside: the guys who annoyed the crap out of me have all but moved from this area to other responsibilities. Order has been restored to Melanie's universe.

Wearing: my emo outfit...jeans, Docs, and a black top with a drapey neck...was trying to explain emo to Husby and realized I'm not sure what it means...told him I feel like I should be drinking espresso in a coffee bar and smoking clove cigarettes in this outfit, and he started snapping his fingers like a beat poet...I was like, EXACTLY! :)

Yes, I know we're special, why do you ask?

Creating: yea, OK, this is the most normal I've felt in weeks, you think I've been knitting?! I did shore up my energy and make shepherd's pie last night, which should last us a night or two and make life easier. I'm working OT today, Friday, and Saturday, and have a medical test on Thursday after work, and was beyond tired of the "I don't know, what do you want for dinner?" conversation that occurs every damn night at 5 PM. And I'm off fast food and we're saving for the move, so it's def time to rearrange and stock the freezer again.

Reading: Made from Scratch by Jenna...v...e...r...y...slowly, both to savor the ideas inside it and because I've been busy as a one-armed paper hanger lately...

Going: NOWHERE! Turtling, cleaning, organizing......yea, OK, I lied, we'll likely hit Chamblin's this weekend to empty the car trunk...came back from SC a couple of weeks ago with 9 bags of booty for that place :)

Hoping: I hear back from the NC employment nibble this week, that things are completely clear on that medical test, and that I can get apartment stuff accomplished this weekend.

Image from here.