Taking Stock

Caption: Dear Mom, Thanks for cutting my bangs. Please don't ever do it again. :)

It's been a busy couple of days. I got turned down on the HR Manager spot. Probably just as well...it's making me realize that resumes really only get you so far, that I'm a writer first and foremost, so maybe I should hone my skills, build a portfolio that reflects that...

Lil Sis has a friend who's trying to start a photo refinishing biz, or something...he wanted the practice and she wanted to get 700 slides restored to a more manageable medium...the above shot is a taste of his work; he converted all 700 slides to files on DVD...I'll bug her for his site URL to promote him here, because the taste she gave us of the finished product is rather exquisite...she's saving most of 'em for holiday compilations/gifts, but man, it's seriously nifty to see shots of yourself you barely or don't remember posing for...

Mom had her first pain management trial; they want to insert a pain pump to treat her degenerating disks and spinal stenosis. The trial itself could've gone better...I've never seen her that stoned, she couldn't keep anything down, and after they gave her Phenergan, she was passing out mid-sentence...well, OK, that part was funny >:)...DH handled transporting her to and from the hospital, she stayed over at the hospital Thursday night, and I stayed at her place last night in case she needed anything. She's finally feeling more normal, but it was a little unsettling for us kids and we'll be sending her to her follow-up doc appt with questions about what they were thinking giving her that big a dose, and what we/she can expect at the next trial...

So I'm finally less transient and taking stock:

Outside: cool in the evenings, stupid warm during the day...I'm trying to forget that it's October, so I can enjoy it cranking up to 85F and not be so bitter...pretty hard tho'...

Inside: Tuff-Puppy on the tube (don't ask), pondering Mallomars and to-do lists...

Wearing: comfy purple shirt, bike shorts, hair down...it's getting crazy-long :)

Creating: 2nd MIL sock, I'm finally into the pattern again...gingersnaps tomorrow, finally bought eggs...maybe something with the delicata squash, it's thumping ripe...

Reading: Finished Eat Pray Love, pondering her other novels, they look interesting...finished Kindness of Strangers...that was a difficult read...used to think Law & Order: SVU was hard to watch b/c of the subject matter, but reading about it requires a much thicker skin...got my first Hobby Farms magazine in the mail, will be devouring that later...

Going: back to the Y tomorrow (Sunday)...let myself slack this week with interview stuff, Mom's activities...took Mom's dog for a light jog the other night in the wrong shoes and it set my knees to complaining all day yesterday...a good reminder that I'm heading in the right direction, but have a long road to health ahead...

Hoping: I can change my attitude a bit at work this week...continue progress on MIL sock...bake, help Mom shop, and putter/clean our place enough tomorrow to get my head straight for this coming week...there's other stuff, but that's a start...

Here's a reprint, I think I wrote this last year...it explains in spades why I hate FL so much this time of year...

Autumn is…
Apples and pumpkins

And leaves on the ground,

Wood smoke and chill nights

And family gathered ‘round.

It stops rhyming there, so don’t get your hopes up…

Curling up by a fire sipping hot cider

Raking leaves for the sole purpose of then jumping into the pile

Crisp air

Digging out the woolens and boots

Finding a knitted cap for long walks after dinner

Cold noses and toeses

Extra blankets on the bed and not needing AC

The smell of leaf rot

Trying to dig and realizing the earth is cold

Jesus, how’d I survive as long as I have in Florida?

Grabbing a jacket before you step outdoors

Rosy cheeks and wind through your slacks

Soups and stews for dinner that have spent all day in the crockpot

Colors and colors and colors in the trees!

Hot cocoa with little marshmallows

Jack o’lanterns and the last harvests, finding new ways to use squash

That last one’s a biggie…I start planning my side dishes for Thanksgiving a full month ahead…

Making sure the car tires are in good shape

(and keeping a window scraper in the trunk for good measure)

Contemplative evenings

Fall festivals and foggy mornings

Dreaming of eggnog

Walnuts to snack on, and apple butter on English muffins

Starting holiday gifts

Smelling the cold air, straining your eyes against the grey sky looking for flakes

And the warmth of curling up in a woobie when you come in from the cold.

Nothing of substance

Just mental wanderings...

Opened the windows last night for a bit. I stepped outside this morning to cool air on my arms and wanted to cry with relief. Won't think about the temps going back up a bit next week...will just enjoy, embrace, revel in the sweet cool air...

The Jacksonville Jaguars beat the Indianapolis Colts on Sunday. In other news, hell froze over.

Watched Law & Order: UK last night...I think I love it a little. Practically need closed captioning for deciphering the British accents, but that makes it fun. Makes me glad too, because Law & Order: Los Angeles did NOT blow my skirt up.

Caprica's back tonight!

Sinking my hands into yarn again in the evenings...I will finish the MIL sock this month! Also tucking away at a pullover, a wrap, and some long fingerless gloves...feels good.

The Great Smoky Mountains got snow last night. Next October really can't come fast enough.

Deep in my head

Saturday. October. The temperatures are s..l..o..w..l..y..calming down here, but I've been so achy in my soul over the heat of September, I can't appreciate the promise of cooler weather until I step outside and feel it.

I turned down an opportunity yesterday. Spent the day loathing how this would make me look. Like a coward and a flake. I'm sure it's not that bad, but it does punctuate how the business world doesn't tolerate indecision. I know in my bones I made the right decision, both for myself and my team. So why do I still feel crappy about it?

It has me thinking about how I need to tweak my expertise, what I want to be looking for in a job next year in Charlotte, what will make me happy and keep me sane, while also feeding and sheltering us.

My knee went out of joint again last night. Interestingly, instead of not being able to extend my leg all the way, this time it was the reverse...I could extend it, but couldn't fold it all the way in. Makes me wonder if I have more than one issue. The good news is I iced it and got it reset, and it's not sore or swollen today. Still, I'm on the fence about my workout today...I was going to do weights, but may swim instead.

Gotta go clean...thanks for listening :)

Well, poo!

If you don't give a flying leap about squash, you may want to skip this post...tried to upload some squash eye candy, but Blogger ain't cooperating this morning.

Sometime last autumn, I roasted a butternut squash. Peeled that sucker, cut it into chunks, a little EVOO, salt, and pepper...it tasted fine, but didn't blow my skirt up (apparently my new catchphrase...please just go with it). I remember a tinge of disappointment, because I loveloveLOVE all things autumn, and squash, in all its incarnations, certainly falls into that category. And zucchini and pumpkin are practically the only ones I love...I'm open to yellow squash, but my inlaws made a squash casserole once that was so rich, I literally have been turned off to the vegetable ever since...and that was like, 10 years ago. Gotta love that Southern cooking...sticks to your ribs and your memory.

I've had an acorn squash laying around for weeks, and since the buttercup squash looks so similar in layout, figured the flavors would be similar, so I roasted them both last night with apple chunks, then scooped 'em out and threw everything in the food processor. Added a little spice, a little brown sugar, gave it a little simmer time.

I can't get past the consistency or the odor : (

Lesson #1: if it doesn't sound hollow, it ain't ready. Well, Lesson #1 probably oughta be puree longer, but Les's headaches have been epic this week with the weather doing its overcast thing, so I didn't process it as long as I should have. But the hollow thing...I use that gauge for melons, squash, and the like, and it's solid...the acorn, after 4 weeks on my cabinet, was perfectly ripe, but the buttercup was not. Could tell by the scent and the seeds once I got it open. But I forged ahead apparently because I like wasting food. No, of course, that's not it...but when you look at a picture of a recipe and it resembles pureed sweet potatoes, and you think, I can do that, and it ends up tasting meh, which is only a step up from tasting like ass, the disappointment turns to frustration. I'm looking for recipes that my dentally challenged husband can eat, but I need to learn more about flavors and using spice in cooking before I can be competent at experimenting. And TPTB in charge of vegetables forget to tell you that many squash don't have that exciting a flavor to begin with. I find it funny that you have to hunt to find an acorn squash recipe that doesn't involve brown sugar, apples, and raisins...it's like they've given up getting anything else to match that weird void where the flavor is. Meantime, I'm stuck with a bowl of soup-like substance that looks like baby barf.

I'm being too critical...Les will try it later to be nice, and for all I know, he'll like it...he grew up with a lot of different flavors than I did. My parents, gods bless them, NEVER pushed vegetables on us much, because they'd both come from families of eat-everything-on-your-plate-no-matter-how-much-it-makes-you-gag. It wasn't until I was an adult that I started s...l...o...w...l...y...opening my mind to different vegetables beyond potatoes and corn. Now years later, I know how to make vegetables taste terrific by piling things on them that lack nutritional value, but my latest lifestyle changes have me wanting to clean up my act. Obviously, it's a work in progress.

Taking Stock

She may be long, but she's got character :)

Outside: 2 days of overcast and rain...temps aren't low enough to blow my skirt up yet...

Inside: iCarly in the background (no, we don't have tweens, why do you ask?), white noise in the back-background...oven clicking...

Wearing: today was a fashion FAIL...had to do biz casual for work, but should've worn highwaters...wore slacks and realized while heading out the door that I looked like a grandma and didn't have time to go back and change : ( Will be SO glad when this exercise thing actually lets me drop a couple of sizes...I'm probably already there, but don't want to invest in anything until the weight's actually dropping too...

Creating: Autumn soup from Hannah's Harvest recipe

Reading: The Blessings of the Animals by Katrina Kittle (good book!), and about a dozen books about management skills

Going:  to the Y every other day faithfully, and sneaking yoga in on the off days : )

Hoping: hopinghopinghoping...for what, I'm not sure. I have one interview scheduled and I'm hoping for another, but if they lead nowhere, I'll be happy with that too. That said, I felt a terrific energy today showing some potential work partners how QC rolls, and the material I grabbed at the library is reminding me how very much attitude plays a role in work...

The weekend will be spent studying, and creating questions and answers...with some baking and Where the Wild Things Are thrown in for sanity.

Mental wanderings and a new weekend

As a writer, I get jealous of writers who make me want to stop, slow down my reading, and curl up on a favorite chair with a mug of hot chocolate and a warm sweater while I carefully devour their words and allow myself pauses while they sink into my brain.

I'm reading Eat Pray Love...saw the movie first, and it helps a bit, to imagine different scenes with Julia Roberts rather than Elizabeth Gilbert. Eat Pray Love is first and foremost a memoir with an adventure attached, and translating that into a movie required them to embellish just a touch, so now, reading the real deal, I'm struck by the difference of accompanying Elizabeth Gilbert on the journey as opposed to Julia Roberts. I'm experiencing the journey with Elizabeth Gilbert. EPL the movie was certainly warm, fuzzy, well-acted....I have no qualms with Roberts' acting, love her characters...but something didn't translate for me on the screen that is now making itself evident on the pages. For that, I'm grateful. I blew through Italy with Liz, enjoying the sensual experiences and descriptions, but now, only a page and a half into India, the experience has been turned on its ear and I find myself looking for a sweater and a mug.

This could certainly stem from my continuing search for my own faith, where my spirituality fits in amidst Reclaiming witchcraft, Buddhism, the Gospel of St. Thomas/Gnosticism, and others...whatever, I'm looking forward to the India section, and the quiet thinking time it will initiate.

So glad it's Friday...nothing huge planned, the usual mix of cleaning, baking, etc. with some Y time thrown in for good measure. Enjoy your weekend, folks!

Taking Stock

Outside: supposedly a decent Harvest moon tonight...may have to venture out to check later.

Inside: NickToons in the background, typing in the foreground, HEPA filter creating white noise in the back-background...

Wearing: big honkin' tie-dye Pooh T-shirt

Creating: opportunities for myself

Going: to go veg in front of tube soon with knitting

Reading: Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

Hoping: I get a first call for an interview for the HR Manager position and a 2nd call for the QC Manager position. That's what Kelly Clarkson's lyrics were about...my finally realizing that I certainly can't improve my sitch by doing nothing...that being happy where you're at isn't enough sometimes...I have the necessary skills for both those jobs, so it's becoming a case of doing right by me.

I ache for Autumn and it eludes us here. I bought those squash the other day because I just couldn't help myself (note to self: scour Internet for recipes!), and there was nary a good apple to be found yet at the store...going to hit Native Sun this weekend. Today I wore interview clothes, so tomorrow I'll wear the outfit I wanted to wear today...green short-sleeve sweater top, beige slacks, and my large beautiful necklace (a Jewelry by Christy original) with the resined maple leaf as the centerpiece...hopefully piccies forthcoming...for now, you just get the squash /;)

Long Shot

"It's a long shot, but I say why not
If I say forget it, I know that I'll regret it
It's a long shot just to beat these odds
The chance is we won't make it
But I know if I don't take it, there's no chance..."
 
~ Kelly Clarkson

A Good Weekend

Glimpses from the weekend:

Crud, forgot the ladybug photo...

In these precious 2-day weekends, it's important to recognize early what's realistic on the ole to-do lists. I had 2 events, so to speak, that would take me out of the apartment this weekend, so I let myself off the hook and determined that digging into boxes wasn't going to occur. Recognizing this early on allowed me to accomplish other things with a clearer head.

Saturday morning-into-afternoon was spent budgeting and paying bills, as well as goofing off on Facebook. I started thinking about a grocery list, and Les went to Costco for a few items. Midday I realized I could nap or I could go work out, so I put on my suit and hit the pool at the Y (those steps in the right direction still mean so much to me). Got back, relaxed a bit, showered, and then jaunted downtown to catch some friends in concert at our local Pagan Pride day. Kicked myself later for not dragging Mom along...I think she would've enjoyed the music and not felt out of place at all. It felt SO good to see some old friends again, and I left the park feeling relaxed and happy. Got home, made dinner, and relaxed with Eat Pray Love, which Les had been good enough to grab for me for a steal at Costco earlier that day.

Sunday, I got up on a mission, it seemed. I knew I wanted to polish off the laundry that day, rather than stall and have to blow off working out Monday night to get it done. I knew I wanted to bake a little something and clean the kitchen beforehand. So after cinnamon rolls and Internet play, I started the laundry and then tackled the kitchen and the refrigerator. Took out trash, consolidated recycling, etc...it was a domestic day. Mid-afternoon, the cookie dough was in the fridge and the kitchen was in good shape. I grabbed a shower and a ride from Mom, and we went to Lil Bro's to celebrate my nephew H's birthday early. H is turning 10 at the end of the month, and Lil Bro recently eloped with A, so there was plenty of reason to celebrate. A made a delicious dinner, Mom and I played Uno with H, and I just marveled at how much he's changed. I haven't seen him, I think, since last Thanksgiving...Lil Bro works basically 7 days a week, gets H every other weekend, and I'm not on speaking terms with the ex, so it's pretty catch-as-catch-can where get-togethers are concerned. H is autistic, but has the distinction of being the most high-functioning student at Jericho, so mainstreaming him into public school next year should be a success, provided they shop around for the best program here (a daunting task I don't envy his folks for, as I can't stand the public school system here in Jax).

Sidebar: how sad is it that I work for a website design company and my Flash on my computer is so outdated, I can't even see the Jericho website from here...?

I was in awe. I call him my blond stringbean, and it's an accurate moniker: he's up to my chest already, all arms and legs. Listening to him engage in conversation without prompting, spontaneous bits of discussion, and watching his glee over his big birthday present (a computer printer he's been bugging Lil Bro for, for the better part of this last year)...he was like any other kid, with just a bit of social awkwardness and a penchant for looking down at times. His human pinball tendencies are markedly reduced, and he's still delightfully tactile for an autistic, giving hugs willingly and snuggling with A on the couch. Mom and I left with full bellies and warm hearts.

This week, I'm recognizing that I need to scale down my dreams of stocking up on food, because it requires money we don't have. I'm working out every other day. There's new TV on to distract me, which I hope will get me knitting again. Autumn comes on Wednesday. It may not come to our neck of the woods until December, but I'm determined to continue my efforts to live in an autumn manner, heat be damned.

Taking Stock

Sans pics, as usual...I captured a ladybug the other day, but she hasn't been downloaded yet...

Outside: The slightest (and I do mean slightest) shift in the humidity made it almost (and I do mean almost) cool this morning...not enough to blow my skirt up (oh, wait, don't wear skirts...), but I'll take whatever change nature throws at us at this point...July and August were damn long here...

Inside: Started the day with no AC in the office, but luckily that was remedied shortly after my arrival. Too bad...had one coworker threatening to remove an article of clothing for every hour it was down...could've made work more interesting!

Wearing: Adorable highwaters with little lemons embroidered all over them, yellow T, white blouse...hair definitely softer from new treatment, but not cooperating too well today...

Creating: Muscles and not much else...lots of ideas in the ole brainpan, but my evenings are still being spent in front of a media outlet after working out, which I've got to break myself of...besides, I think I'm noticing the very beginnings of arthritis traveling to my hands, which makes me want to knit more than ever, as well as perform hand exercises...want to catch it early, slow it down, not be crippled by it like my poor mom...

Going: hmm...no plans of travel in the near future...until Mom's procedures are scheduled, can't plan any escapes north...besides, money's an issue, even with a bonus due...we need to invest in car maintenance, so I need to recognize that I may not make it up to Charlotte without Lil Sis's help this autumn...patience...

Reading: A Can of Peas by Traci Depree in my continued effort to farm vicariously through blogs and fiction; it's a sweet read...also, got The Pioneer Woman Cooks from DH for my birthday, so that sucker's getting broken in this coming weekend! Let the baking begin!

Hoping: for cooler weather, the strength to pull off better time management, and that my bonus lands on this next check...

Happy Wednesday, y'all!

Autumnal mental wanderings

Snitched from the University of Illinois Urban Extension...

10 days til autumn.....I can feel it stirring in my belly somewhere, the desire to try canning food and making applesauce in the crockpot, the desire to purge crap from the house, batten down the hatches, so-to-speak, for winter prep...I want to get baking again. I wish there was firewood to chop. I wish it was cool enough for longer sleeves. Ah well, Jenna's posts keep me happy and dreaming...I farm vicariously through her.

That leaf was from the crape myrtles in front of the building. I'm surprised to find they're changing color this year, and it makes me smile, even when the heat index still threatens to suck my energy dry...damn index was above 100F both days this weekend, so I didn't even bother to go outside on Sunday. I hate that, especially when the outdoors opens me up like a flower, makes me feel more alive...and besides, the porch needs a good cleaning...

I haven't been taking pictures still (obviously)...my apartment is a pit with very little to show off, so I have to search for worthy subjects. I mean, how many shots can I take of my purses, my knitting, and an aloof black cat? Going to make more of an effort...

The weekend slipped away from me as usual, but I did start one very important project: budgeting. It's opened my eyes to how our money gets pissed away (FINALLY!), and some changes are on the horizon.

In spite of the heat, the tiny inklings of autumn begin to sneak in down here...the shock and happiness when our team (Jacksonville Jags) actually won their home opener, for example :) Also, we discovered when they updated our digital cable recently, that we now receive the NFL All-Access channel...it's pretty sweet, and we were both flipping back and forth to it yesterday to see how the first week of the season played out.

My boss flew the coop, and the team manager job will be posted again soon. I'm thinking of trying for it just for the experience...I know I'm not exactly what they're looking for, but I want the experience of trying for it...my marketing interview was a disaster, and I could use another shot at selling myself.

Meantime, I hope to steer clear of the computer in the evenings, get some more organizing started around the house, get knitting again, and be good to myself. Not necessarily in that order.

Taking Stock

So apparently I'm going through a phase where I only post on Wednesdays...

That leaf greeted me as I walked into the office this morning. For leaves to change color down here before like, November, is rare. It sits on my desk now, a reminder of what I want to move toward.

Life hasn't been that much busier. Well, I hit the Y a couple of times a week after work, am going through another knitting drought, and spent last weekend cleaning, doing laundry, shaking off the mopes...in other words, the usual.

Labor Day weekend was uneventful...Mom went to Charlotte to visit Lil Sis, we cleaned her apartment and car for birthday money and transported her to and from the airport.

How the hell is it my birthday tomorrow? I know it's stupid to obsess about a number, but I'm not crazy about the age I'm turning, so it's hard to get excited about it. I'm taking tomorrow off work, hoping to hit the arboretum...

Mom's gained some needed focus this week...the visit to Charlotte was good for her, and yesterday's doc appointment gave us (Lil Bro and I accompanied her for support and education, and I'm so glad we both were there) the information and perspective we needed to OK pain management for her back, rather than major surgery. It's still hard to accept, because I'm a fixer...and the idea of not being able to do anything to slow down or fix the degeneration of her disks is a little scary. But she has a goal now, of moving out of Florida in April 2011, and her actions are starting to be dictated by her desire to reach that goal.

I'm recognizing that the same thing needs to happen here. I look at Crystal and Jenna and SouleMama, women like me, same types of dreams, only they're walking the talk, finding their little patches of land. Granted, our situations are all different...Crystal, gods bless her, is being shoved onto hers by circumstance; Jenna lives alone and is able to spend her income on herself (though I'm sure she'd scoff at that and say, yeah, take a look at my mortgage, lady!); and SoulePapa must make an OK living to support 4 small peeps and allow Amanda to write and raise them...I get that since we're still a one-income household, I'm going to have to work incredibly hard to even get up to NC, never mind finding a place to truly call home a year or more later...but you have to start somewhere, and I've been spending way too many weekends adrift, not working toward that goal, letting myself think I have time. Time for what? To dream and wish and feel sorry for myself? Bullshit.

Outside: the slightest shift in temperatures continues, but it's still too bloody hot out if you're outside for long...

Inside: I really wish someone would tell my chatty coworkers to shut the f*ck up...I can't do it, because that's the only way I can think to communicate how I feel about it...

Wearing: delightfully noisy pink paisley highwaters with a green top...hair down, trying to enjoy the natural waves that are presenting themselves since I got it trimmed on Saturday...

Creating: starting a work apron for projects, and I HAVE to get back on the MIL sock...do NOT want that sucker taunting me throughout autumn...also making roast chicken tonight and frying up some round steak to eat off of the next couple of days...

Going: well, like I said, to the arboretum tomorrow to hike the trails...Les wants to come with, I can tell...he was asking me about how undercover it is. I'd love him to come, but I'm afraid it'll knock his ass out the rest of the day afterward...

Reading: discovered the Lumby series by Gail Fraser and a couple of other farm/small town novels at the library, trying to get into the Harmony series by Phillip Gulley too...

Hoping: I have a nice birthday tomorrow (I think there may need to be cake!) and a productive weekend. It's all up to me, right? :)

Taking stock and catching up

So I usually update this at work, cuz it's just easier, but I never remember to download pics beforehand, so today you get a pic of my dream kitchen, which I snuck from one of the real estate websites...it's the remodeled kitchen of my old house in Warren, which is still on the market, I think...I'd probably do something a little different with the cabinet doors, but the layout speaks to my desire for more counterspace and a window...

Nothing mind-blowing occurred in the last week to cause the pause in posts...just regular life and a little hormonal depression. I caught Eat Pray Love at the flicks with Mom on Saturday...nice movie, a little predictable. Been inside my head a bit these days, but not enough for me to realize I need to snap out of it.

Outside: Gorgeous. Was overcast all last week with steady rains that still weren't enough to bring up the retention ponds to their erosion points. This week's sunny, temps have dropped a pinch...it's imperceptable unless you're looking for it, and if you are, like me, you breathe a small sigh of relief and think about autumn. I'm determined to start living autumn, regardless of the heat. Made chili this week...tomato sauce and applesauce aren't far behind, and I'm looking forward to baking bread again.

Inside: Meh. Work ebbs more than it flows, and I've been copywriting to fill the space. It makes the days go by faster, but also gets old, writing the same type of persuasive language over and over again. I'll never really be comfortable writing advertising copy...give me proper grammar and an Oxford comma any day.

Wearing: Heh...almost same as last week...that beautiful green and blue paisley with my black highwaters. SO nice to have a decent wardrobe to choose from, and helps me see when other areas of my image need improving (that's not a body dig...I need a haircut and some serious color, getting trimmed this weekend).

Creating: Spending time in my head means less time with my sticks and string...found some novels at the library that are barely holding my interest...need to get back on MIL sock, don't want completion of that stretching out...need to start thinking about xmas...

Going: to Mom's to clean her apartment while she's in Charlotte this weekend...do laundry while I'm there. Otherwise getting a jump on to-do lists, budgeting, purging at home...the usual weekend dream.

Reading: Dandelions in a Jelly Jar by Traci Depree...and realizing that my faith is a mix of different pantheons and that it's time to really read Evolutionary Witchcraft and Earth Path, because those trains of thought continue to speak to me more than the Eastern faiths...

Hoping: I can get some things accomplished this weekend, develop a better attitude about my birthday next week, and continue to be kind to myself when not enough "stuff" gets accomplished to my satisfaction.

Taking Stock

a.k.a.: how the hell's it Wednesday already?!

Outside: Mostly cloudy...blessed relief from the brutal bathing the day star provides...can feel my reverse-seasonal-affective-disorder kicking in, and the stirrings of autumn somewhere beneath my bosom...

Inside: if my coworker across the way doesn't stop snorting through his nose every half hour, I'm going to shove nickels up his nostrils...

Wearing: black highwaters, navy top under blue and green paisley blouse, om earrings and mala beads...

Creating: not enough this week, plenty of ideas...tomato sauce if the tomatoes are still good, hoping to make progress on 2nd MIL sock...gotta start watching our dough, but I'd love to invest in some Ball freezer "jars"...

Going: to the flicks with Mom this weekend to catch Eat Pray Love...maybe to the doggie parade at the Arts Market, or maybe there just to produce shop...to the Y tonight to swim...

Reading: still knee-deep in Three Pillars of Zen...pulled out an old Tricycle mag...indulging in the complete fluff that is the September monster issue of Vogue...

Hoping: I can remain centered, get some stuff accomplished...and be kind to myself when not enough "stuff" gets accomplished :)

Seriously?!

Yes, my inlaws' computer is new and shiny and fast, but thanks to the requirements of keeping a quite-manipulative-and-currently-in-a-contradictory-phase 4-year-old occupied, I never even got near the sucker.

Probably not a bad thing. But we're home (aahhhhhhh...) and settling in and I decide to hop onto the silly, brain-sucking box to get it out of the way, so I can chill the rest of the evening, unpack, watch an old House, and do something with my nails, which were quite neglected on this very sweaty weekend (I am officially tired of August and if it doesn't become September soon and bring with it at least a 10-degree drop in temperatures, I'm going to pitch a hissy)...

I go to jump on Daily Mile to log my wimpy weekend workouts (4 hours of power shopping with MIL, 2 days of running after small person while sweating more than I drank), and I can't log into Facebook. Hmm...must be a Daily Mile glitch. So I go to log onto Facebook...and it's down.

::GASP!!:: WTF!?!?! Facebook's NEVER down! I've got farms to plow and peeps to check in on and it's been 3 days and.....yeah, I need a bigger break from the computer, huh?

Friday musings

I swear, pictures next week!

Gotta love automated billing...QC sits next to Collections on my floor, and the phone conversations we overhear border on surreal at times...calling to collect on a company when it's obvious in the first minutes of the phone call that the client has completely forgotten they ever purchased a website, much less been paying for it for years..."yes, sir, you purchased the site back in February of 2005..."

And we wonder why the economy is in a slump...maybe we need to stop blaming the government and focus on the rocket scientists running the businesses?

On a similar tangent, I'm sending prayers out to my quiet, unassuming neighbor, whose name I didn't even know til this week...we've lived in our apartment complex for 12 years now, and for most of those, our neighbor across the front porch landing has been this quiet, overweight, my-ageish/probably a little older than me woman who lived alone and kept to herself. I imagined her occupation as something in nursing or caregiving, but really have no clue what she does for a living...her hours weren't regular. So haven't seen her for a couple of days, but didn't think anything of it. Last night I got home and the eviction notices from the cops and local court were stuck to her door. I hope she's OK, and I thank the gods for whatever presence of mind keeps me employed with a running car and a roof over our heads, because sometimes that really is all it comes down to...

Have a good weekend, y'all! Be good to yourselves!

Random Thursday stuff

I'm not wearing my beads today, because the stain on them has been weeping onto my skin and I don't want to mess up the nice white shirt I'm wearing ... which means instead of being attached to the material possession of the beads, I'm too attached to the shirt. Finding a balance with this buddhism stuff is a head-scratcher...

My hair likes my new shampoo. Just wish this windfall hadn't been purchased at the evil big-box store.

If you can spare a buck or three and know what Barnheart feels like, please visit Cold Antler to find out how to donate to Heartsong Farms, or check out Crystal's etsy shop. I can't imagine being foreclosed on with 5 kids; my head would explode. Looking forward to grabbing her apron pattern when I get paid tomorrow.

Did a half hour on the treadmill last night...wanted to swim today, but the pool's pretty crowded til like 7 p.m., and I'm thinking that getting things ready for SC will put my head in a better place. I've taken to doing laundry before we go rather than lugging it up there, and that helps my scattyness too.

The inlaws upgraded to a fresh computer with DSL, so I might actually get computer time this weekend. Normally I go completely offline, because they were still using AOL dial-up (GAH!)...now if they'd just build a Starbucks on their side of town, I'd be in the pink...Aiken has 1 Starbucks, and it's buried in the local Kroger across town. I know! How do those people live?!

Taking Stock

Outside: not worth discussing...same old sauna...I'm breaking out the fall colors in my wardrobe September 1st, heat be damned!

Inside: just had a tour group in our aisle, wonder if they're from the merger company... the conference rooms have been full lately, I'm betting it's integration meetings...

Wearing: cuffed jeans (with belt!), mocs, comfy purple and green pinstriped blouse (side note: recognizing that thinking that my mala beads are purty smacks of attachment to material possession...gotta work on that)

Creating: cuff on 2nd MIL sock by Friday, because I don't want to bring that project to SC (since we're visiting the person I'm giving it to), but I want to be up to working the pattern when we get back...also trying my hand at being present, which I see as creating a new way of being...meditated up to first spacer on beads last night with TV on in background and found the bead counting helped my concentration on the task...

Going: home for lunch to give Husby car for doctor's appointment...going to SC on Friday after work, staying til Monday lunchtime...

Reading: Being Upright by Reb Anderson and The Three Pillars of Zen by Roshi Philip Kapleau...also hanging onto Ashley English's Keeping Chickens and Canning & Preserving, because I can't bear to give them back to the library until I own them outright...

Hoping: the family drama stays at a low boil this weekend, that I get pinches of time away to hang with nature, that it doesn't rain (because their house is positively claustrophobic when you're stuck inside it), and that everyone has nice birthdays while we're there, not necessarily in that order...

Actually, THIS should be the question of faith post...

So I figured shifting from hedonism to buddhism would have a few speed bumps, but something funny happened at lunch that helped me stay present and do right by me. We won't delve deeply into what was eaten at lunch, because it was total crap and still an area requiring I be more present...

So I headed out to grab something, with the frame of mind that I was going to pull $20 and hit McD's (::sigh:: I know, OK, believe me, I'm stopping) and Starbucks, which I've been craving since oh, sometime yesterday afternoon. I was pulling cash, because then I could pay cash and it wouldn't show up on the bank statement that I'd indulged in Starbucks. Yes, I realize that's pathetic...I've done it a few times before and it falls under the rationalization of I-work-hard-all-day-so-I-deserve-it-since-my-pain-management-case-of-a-husband-can't-do-much-more-than-watch-Military-Channel-and-perform-gravity-tests-on-our-couch.

That's really not me being bitter. But we're kind of hedonists, and I do work hard, so I can usually talk myself into the occasional indulgence. But the way I was going about it was certainly butting against the Eightfold Path (right intention, right discipline, right effort, take your pick), and Starbucks itself is definitely classified under sensual misconduct, the third precept. Sure, in Western culture, we can rationalize a little indulgence now and then (read: I know better than to try and give up Starbucks, cold turkey), but I'm also a person who, when imbibing a fresh breve latte or savoring the kick of an iced mocha, am inclined to think to myself, "oooohhhh, yeah, that's the stuff..." and well, that combined with the caffeine could definitely fall under sensual misconduct (heck, it's borderline fifth precept...substances which cause intoxication).

However, when I got to the bank I discovered that the drive-thru ATM was shut down, had a guy performing maintenance on it. Undaunted, I pulled into a parking space and got out to use the ATM on the side of the building, only to discover that that ATM was also down for maintenance.

I looked at the mala around my wrist, chuckled to myself, and the last 3 paragraphs went through my head as I grabbed lunch with my card, bypassed the Starbucks, and got my butt back to work. Looking forward to swimming at the Y tonight. 

Question of faith

So am I a total dilletante if I enjoy wearing these, not just because they help me maintain being present throughout my day and recognize when my brain needs a timeout, but also because I think they're really purty?

Full of hope Monday

endorphin: n, any of a group of endogenous peptides (as enkephalin) found especially in the brain that bind chiefly to opiate receptors and produce some pharmacological effects (as pain relief) like those of opiates.

from Merriam-Webster

In case you were wondering, jogging is possible even if you're 100 pounds overweight with arthritic knees. I used to think that the selective editing on The Biggest Loser was borderline unrealistic because such large people were jogging on the treadmills. Turns out if your body is warmed up enough and the motivation's there, anything's possible. I know I have to be really careful with my knees...I certainly wasn't breaking any records with my light jogging on the cool-down Saturday at the Y, but I was struck by how EASY it felt...I wasn't laboring for breath, my lower body wasn't screaming...and the exquisite endorphins that followed me out to the parking lot and stuck around all evening as I read my books and finished one MIL sock...I'm really quite happy lately.

Random thought: clothes fit so comfortably when you wear a belt. Can't believe I forgot that, but weight gain introduces elastic waist pants onto the scene and belts fall to the wayside...it really has been about 10 years since a belt was part of my wardrobe. My self-image is getting a nice jolt from wearing one again.

This week will fly by, but I hope to get some more pictures in before we head north...celebrating a couple of birthdays at Les's folks in SC this coming weekend. Also hoping to hit Hitchcock Woods while I'm there, avoid family strife, play with my niece, and meditate when I can't say what I'm thinking. Jumping into Buddhism with both feet, reading my books and trying to find what speaks to me loudest...or should I say quietest...and hitting the Y Tuesday through Thursday. Tonight I'm making pizza from scratch, creating at least one other meal to get us through the week, and cleaning where needed so the rest of the week will run smoothly and my head won't be addled :)

On a less busy week, there might be pictures...

Yeah, I know, talking out of my butt again...

Learned something about air mattresses this week...they're really only comfortable when you're so burned-out-ragged tired that you could basically sleep standing up if necessary (it's why they're so perfect for outdoor camping). Unfortunately, this was not the case on Wednesday night, so I crashed around midnight at Mom's place, woke up at least every hour (or every time I moved on the frickin' thing), and at 4:23 a.m., gave up and got dressed, numb from lack of sleep. We left on time and got to the beach hospital with time to spare, so thank gods, I was able to frequent the local Starbucks before taking Mom to her procedure. Didn't have to wait too long while they were taking care of her, but realized too, that rote activities such as reading or knitting (of which I'd brought plenty of both), aren't the best ways to stay awake on barely 4 hours of shuteye. I wasn't the only one struggling...there was at least one snorer in the waiting room.

They gave Mom an adequate amount of goofy juice, so she was feeling no pain afterward...we hit Panera for breakfast and then headed back to her place for naps. Sweet blessed relief, and by some miracle, the dog didn't nag me for playtime...she curled up at my feet and we slept for at least 2½ hours. Woke up feeling better, if not refreshed, and we grabbed dinner early at Chipotle (man, that place is addicting!). I offered to stay the night again Thursday, and my silly mommy couldn't hide her relief...she hadn't wanted to ask, but the pain was getting decent, even with a little medicinal help, and the dog ain't the most reliable critter in the housetraining department. So I crashed (on the couch...narrow, but MUCH better) last night. Les is pinch hitting today because I had to get back to work.

Yup, this blog's still a journal...ah well...

This weekend, hopefully getting to the Y, because I've missed 2 days in a row and I'm noticing the difference...Mom wants to see "Eat Pray Love" and I'll join her for that if she's up to it...I can tell that this weekend will go by quickly, and next weekend, we'll be in SC, so to keep myself from going postal about things not getting accomplished, I'm going to concentrate on lists: wish lists, to-do lists, budgeting, looking at the apartment and the next couple of months.

Down to the foot on MIL sock, have a pile of inches of stockinette to look forward to on the cardi, and am playing with the sleeve on the pullover for a change...SO nice to be digging into the UFOs. Reading Being Upright and the Three Pillars of Zen and looking forward to sitting zazen this weekend...

Planning Wednesday

Increased my Paxil back to the prescribed amount, just for kicks, and that combined with the exercise seem to be settling my brain nicely. I'm more focused and not quite so scattered (yes, they can be two different things), and that's a relief with the extra activity I'm injecting into my daily sched. I'm learning very quickly that it's time to start making meals on the weekends to freeze, if I'm going to continue exercising right after work.

I'm waking up in a good mood. Underneath all the flab, I feel strong. There's even the beginnings of definition in my legs, which is almost laughable...since I'm so heavy, it takes a discerning eye to catch it, but I know my body's changing for the better, and that feeling sends me to the friggin' moon. Even the fact that the workouts have been harder the last couple of days doesn't deter me, because I know it's just my body getting used to the activity...breaking down and building up again. Remember that phrase from gym class?

I'm taking tomorrow off work to help my mom...she's having a rather yucky test performed on her back and needs someone close for the next day or two. Will also be taking this time to organize my household notebook, work on our budget, and get some knitting in. Since I'm not working out the next day or two, I'll be watching what I eat more carefully...I haven't been as diligent on my diet yet, been telling myself that I could keep eating like normal, since I've been on a plateau for years now, and will still lose weight since I'm finally actually burning calories. Yeah, I know it's a flawed train of thought...so it's about time to look more carefully at what's going into the body too, not just what I'm burning.

Feast or famine

The shots that have caught my eye of late...

Kind of got a thing for clouds...wonder if I'll miss having so much sky when we finally move northish. Pretty sure the hills and temperate climate will more than make up for it.

Someday I'll remember pictures before posting...

Today ain't it.

Swimming is a VERY sneaky workout. Feels completely easy on your body while you're doing it. Saturday morning, I hit the Y and pulled off 20 laps. Admittedly, it's a junior Olympic pool (half the size of full Olympic - 25 meters), and I was gasping for breath after each lap at first...but the swimming itself was like riding a bike. I was back in college, in that class I took for the sheer hell of it because I had the free time that year. I grew up not knowing much beyond regular Australian crawl...the college course added side stroke, back stroke, breast stroke, and diving to my repertoire...yes, I didn't dive until I was in my 20s. Can't dive at the Y, as it's strictly a lap pool, but I plowed through those 20 laps and each one got a little easier as I remembered how to regulate my breathing and concentrate on the economy of my movement.

Sunday I had hoped to tuck into the dining room a bit more...instead I could barely move my arms. Holy crap, the muscles that worked on that swim!

I feel beyond fantastic though, and I'm wearing a belt for the first time in about 10 years, to hold up my pants, so things are definitely changing for the better. I'm creating a schedule for myself for working out and sticking to it. I still need to make modifications to my diet, but I've already become much more cognizant of what goes into my body, so it's more about controlling emotional eating.

So the rest of this weekend was for resting. I knit on the MIL socks, my cardi, and my pullover, read a little...I'm in the middle of Farmer Boy (my fave of the Little House books), which I'm hoping will put me in the mood for Autumn and canning and making things from scratch.

Random ... and TGIWeekend!

Gonzo: Whoa...that was spooky.
Rizzo: Spooky?! I'm somewhere between bed wetting and a near-death experience!
~ Muppet Treasure Island

Not sure why I have that on the brain...except that there are 2 Muppet TI songs on my iPod. Love that little device. Tomorrow I'm getting my iTunes fixed...watched Life as a House last night, had a good cry, and realized I want the entire soundtrack...as well as almost everything from the movie Rent, several current hip-hop selections, and a handful of free e-books. Need to catch up on my Garrison Keillor too...

Kurt: "Why do I have to be attracted to the dumb jock type? I mean, he's cheating off someone who thinks the square root of 4 is rainbows..."
~ Glee

My company solidified a rather large merger this week. Increases our business substantially and puts us seriously in debt. Meanwhile, work has almost completely dried up in the last month, and they have Career Opportunity signs out on the streets. Maybe I'm not meant to understand big business, but I'm getting a little worried again. I'd be up a serious creek without locomotion if I lost my job here. It's time to do some budgeting and projecting for the rest of the year.

Hitting farmer's market with Mom tomorrow, making an effort to hit the Y both days this weekend...otherwise, working on the house. Finally looking at knitting patterns again...may purchase the new issue of Knitcircus, it's a goldmine...also there's a pretty coat in Twist Collective I have my eye on. Feels really good to be interested in making stuff again :)

Taking Stock

Outside: dog days...pant, pant, pant.....heat index above 100F...not enough rain...been eating lunch at my desk...boo...

Inside: too bright, makes my eyesight funny. This building has serious natural light, and yet they insist on full fluorescent lighting on top of it...grr...

Wearing: adorable beige highwaters with little embroidered lemons all over them, lemon yellow T, white blouse over it, black flats that look brown.

Creating: been a slow week, so far...turned the heel on the MIL sock, made Hamburger Helper last night :)

Going: to SC in 3 weeks...2 weekends to accomplish more "stuff"...

Reading: plowed through Poisonwood, at loose ends again. Time for another trip to the library soon. Skimmed Wendy Johnson's Socks from the Toe Up last night...excellent sock book, I'd like to own it and I don't even knit socks from the toe up yet...

Hoping...

Was thinking of things for this category, and couldn't get anything to fit, because the things I'm hoping for right now are entirely up to me...they're within my control, so I shouldn't be hoping about them, I should just be doing them. I want to continue feeling good about myself. I want to get to the Y a couple of times a week. I want to continue organizing and purging the apartment. I want to continue studying Buddhism, and recognize the good of living in the present.

Time to get started.

A good weekend...or, gone domesticated!

A productive weekend, thank goodness! We had the opportunity to travel to SC to celebrate Husby's grandmother's 90th in a family bash, or to truck down to the Tampa area to join my college buds in a long-awaited reunion. We blew off both opportunities (traveling really shreds Les, and it's not even technically Grandma's birthday for another month), and while I wish I could've gone to see my guys (from college), I'm also quite happy we stayed put. We simply don't have the dough to go gallavanting, and I feel so good about the small steps I made getting organized instead.

Honestly, it was a decision of knowing that the money I would be spending on a hotel room down in Tampa needed to be spent elsewhere. Last Friday the 23rd, I was innocently lolling around on my bed, talking on the phone with Lil Sis, when I dropped my right knee down and felt something give. The pain was so sharp and immediate, it made me lightheaded. I got off the phone with her and tried to straighten out my knee. No dice. I ever-so-carefully tried inching it outward by degrees and after a couple of minutes, it caught properly and straightened out. Took Advil (and a pinch of a Husby happy pill) and iced it the rest of the night.

I've never had a wake-up call affect me like that, but that's exactly what it was. I'm pretty sure it was a minor dislocation of my kneecap (based on my talks with my orthopedist a couple of years back about where my weaknesses were in that joint). I marched, well, limped, to the local YMCA the next day and signed my big ass up. Luckily, my company has a partnership with them, and the fees are affordable for just me. Poor Husby is quite jealous, but we just can't afford a family membership right now. My knee recovered within 24 hours, but it's brought home to me how weak my joints have gotten, where my arthritis issues are, and where I most need to work my body. I also started taking glucosamine-chondroitin supplements, and surprisingly, I'm already noticing a difference. Still working on making the Y a habit, but I was a serious hormone hostage last week...I'll do better this week.

 

 

So, can ya tell how happy I'll be when we have a) our own washer and dryer in our domicile, and b) a backyard clothesline? Saturday dawned with me hoofing it to Mom's to take advantage of her laundry facilities. It's so helpful having her so close, but I also don't mind paying for it sometimes and using the community washers at my complex, because at least that way I can get stuff done at home while I'm washing. By some miracle, I've never had anything stolen (in 12 years of residing at this complex), even though I leave stuff there....I just don't let it go far past the time when they're done. Probably means I'm due for a theft though, and I should go knock on wood... :)

Believe it or not, that bookcase shot is an improvement. That whole area still needs a lot of work, obviously, but I was most concerned on Sunday with reacquainting myself with what-all we have over there. Holy crap, the sheer number of books we own and don't want to part with is enough to make me nutty. I went into that area to clear off the table, and it ended up being the only area that didn't get touched. But I went through the boxes in that area, recycled a serious pile of paper, and got the most current Goodwill down to the car. Also moved the stereo back out there, which is a relief, as it's been taking up the whole top of my bedroom dresser for more than a year now, and we just don't listen to it enough to justify its placement in the bedroom. Heck, thanks to iTunes, the thing's practically a relic (dual cassettes, baby!), but still functions fine, so I moved it to the bookcase and got my primping station back. That gorgeous jewelry box (below) is a hand-me-down from Lil Sis; we traded at Christmastime, because she needed something smaller and I needed something bigger. Absolutely love the sucker, and now it's exactly at the right spot for putting on earrings in the mornings.

And apparently I'm an ace at gardening when I plant something, place a shade over it, and leave it the hell alone. My first peppers and tomatoes have died, as have the original basil and parsley, pitiful victims of overwatering. But after the ducks finally vacated the premises, I started a fresh tomato plant (with 2-year-old seed, even), as well as fresh basil, rosemary, and marjoram. I think the rosemary was a casualty of the ducks trying to nest in that big pot right after the last egg hatch, but when I smoothed out the soil, watered it only occasionally (since the rainy season is finally upon us), and left the screen door over the whole mess, viola! The tomato is the small pot, and the basil is coming up like gangbusters. I really should thin it, so it doesn't choke itself out...maybe I'll try my hand at some homemade pesto this coming weekend!

 

I'm in a really good place right now :)

I'm still young :)

"Do you remember
When you were young and you wanted to set the world on fire?"

~ I Was a Teenage Anarchist by Against Me!

I'm there now. It's a good feeling.

Pictures after Y tonight. It was a good weekend. Happy Monday, y'all!

Dreamy Friday

I'm at work, plunking along on sites, with half my brain stirring up dreams and my left leg jiggling from boredom. We're running low on work and I may try to bail early, if the opportunity presents itself. I'm a half hour over this week as it is, because I stayed late training in Photoshop on Tuesday.

I'm chatting online with my oldest pal. Her sig other is selling their house, or trying to; in this market, I comment, they've got their work cut out for them, even in the Hamptons. It stirs memory, so I look up whether our old house in CT is still on the market. I stalked it a couple of months back and saw that it was; the previous owner passed in '07. They bought it from us back in '85, the family developed some of the land and put another house on it, and they completely gutted and remodeled the original house. Its interior is gorgeous now; the kitchen a dream of mine. I need to grab those pictures and make notes before it goes off the market, because that house really became something after we left it - though I don't think you could pay me to move back to those winters, even if we won Lotto.

My mind shifts to the weekend. I'll knock off the laundry first thing, and hit the Y tomorrow; and then get cracking on reorganizing. We signed our new lease this week, and rather than be depressed by this turn of events, I choose to organize and purge. I'm thinking hard about all the furniture we have. I want to refinish Dad's cabinets, but I need to take a good, hard look at them, and determine if they're solid enough to keep or if I need to cut the cord (maybe just keep one?). I'm betting they're in good shape, and they certainly have utility - they're both full of kitchen stuff currently. But they're also huge and bulky, and it begs the question of how necessary they'd be in a larger home down the road. Then again, I won't look for a house that doesn't have at least a carport, so they could always find utility as they did the first 35 years, for storage. Just talked myself into keeping them, didn't I? :) But they're getting refinished, the top edges need shaving and sanding badly, and I'd like to paint them something soft and pretty, maybe stencil something on the tops of the doors.

But first, the dining area needs work, and we have to dig into the boxes in the opposite corner. We're both packrats, but I'm determined to cut the cord on more stuff...I mean, if something's been in a box for 10 years unused, why the hell are we keeping it? And some of the stuff I inherited when we sold Mom's house...I know I was grabbing some stuff because it was my only way to cope with what was happening, but now that enough time has past, I hope I can look at some things and release them.

Wednesday Taking Stock

 
Outside: Sunny. 95. And that's the weather. It's getting old, but I'm not ready for fall yet.

Inside: Sterile, boring office environment. I did amuse myself by making an origami swan today. Tried to make an origami crane too, but it came out looking like it had crash landed.

Wearing: Aqua blouse, cuffed jeans, flats.

Creating: Besides an origami swan, the MIL sock is turning into an easy knit, thank goodness, and I tuck into the cardi when I need something a pinch more rote.

Going: nowhere special in near future, begged off on SC trip and no dough for wandering...probably a good thing.

Reading: Sort of in a Poisonwood Bible mood, but can't tell yet if I'll read the whole thing or skip to the parts I like.

Hoping: I continue feeling better, so I can make the Y a habit...and that this coming weekend will be as productive or more productive than last weekend.

About every 3 months or so, my femaleness seriously kicks my arse. Read between the lines, folks, cuz I ain't going into details. This week has been one of those months. So while my body maintains a low throb, I've been keeping quiet in the evenings with knitting, a little TV, a little less computer time...had to blow off the Y two nights in a row, which is frustrating, but my body wasn't up to any public displays of activity. Hard to test the stability of your knees when you have zero energy in your legs. I'm starting to rally a little, finally. Focusing this blog has me thinking of outlets for my very selective creativity, like I'd like to have an Etsy store, but what in the world would I sell? I'm grateful for this focus and for the quiet I'm currently engaging in.

Still here

The urge to post is powerful, even though I don't have pictures, even though I don't have anything overly exciting to talk about. I'm still shaping in my head what I want this blog to do. I've created a private blog, so I can whine without necessarily subjecting y'all to my weird emotional issues. This blog, I want to be about creating, whether it's about knitting or photography or gardening or small people. But there's laundry to do tonight, and I've been roped into baking a coconut cake for my team (still not sure how that happened), so the hiatus of substantive entries continues a pinch longer. Thanks for your patience :)

Digging myself out of rut...

Back soon. Feel free to have a glass of sweet tea and a snickerdoodle while you wait.

Taking stock

Think this may need to be a new Wednesday thing, looking at life midweek...cribbed the concept (aka stole the idea) from Simple Woman's Daybook, but it's personalized to where my scatty brain roams...

Outside: hey clouds, please give us rain! I've been neglecting the plants, and it's hotter n' hell out there...

Inside: too bright, too chilly

Wearing: jeans, Docs, dark blue top...ankles needed real shoes today.

Thinking: lunch, crafting, making to-do lists to get outta this latest rut

Bedroom: Need to start in one corner and just work my way outward

Kitchen: making banana bread tonight to use old bananas

Dining Area: needs bookshelves

Living Room: hope we can paint it when it's decluttered

Creating: MIL's socks and quite glad I ripped them out the other night, as the new ribbing is coming along faster

Reading: Kingsolver's Animal Vegetable Miracle over again, and neglecting library books (but most are tomes I'll note the titles/authors of for eventual ownership)

Hoping: I can get stuff accomplished this coming weekend, as we're likely traveling to SC next weekend.

Broadway buddhism

"There's only now,
There's only this.
Forget regret,
Or life is yours to miss."

—from Rent

Kind of blank...

brain feels kind of blank these days, that is...but heaven forbid I not post and subject you 5¾ people to my semi-unique brand of verbal diarrhea...

Actually I Write Like...thinks my style is somewhere between H.P. Lovecraft and David Foster Wallace. While I do consider Foster Wallace a tortured genius (as his suicide last year kind of illustrates, poor guy), I also think Infinite Jest is one of the most soporific tomes I've ever laid eyes on...hence, the next couple of posts may be quick fixes for me, as I attempt to examine my editorial blogging capabilities. Pretty sure it won't last long tho' :)

Carrying my camera with me again...but when your excursions don't expand beyond work, it's hard to come up with fresh material. Keeping an eye out for neat pic ideas this week...

Ripped out my MIL's Christmas socks AGAIN...not sure how many times that makes. The ribbing was sending me 'round the bend, so I switched to 1x1 rib but am sticking with Interweave's Embossed Leaves pattern (Winter 2005). Working my cardi too, slow and steady...dang thing's on size 3s, so it ain't getting done any time soon.

Good ole Friday

Sets my mind to dreamin', yes it does...I'm knitting on my cardi in my head and poking along on socks too. I'm tenderly nursing my plants and digging in hard on the dining area. I'm reading library books and dedicating time to just think...

But first, the laundry...and that's not a euphemism for those of you who read Karen Maezen Miller. Actually I am in the middle of her 2nd book, Hand Wash Cold, and it's got me thinking it's about time to get serious about zazen, because my mind's been in hummingbird mode of late and could really use a daily timeout.

But the stuff I'm talking about, I'm dragging over to Mom's first thing tomorrow to get it over with...gotta love when you can't afford to do laundry. I mean, it certainly makes sense to do it at Mom's...it's free there, and that whopping 1-mile commute ain't exactly a hardship. The differences are a balance...at the laundry facility at my complex, you can usually get away with using more than 1 washer/dryer at a time, thus it takes a shorter amount of time to plow through the pile...the downside is they're really the epitome of community washers; we have quite a few laborers living in our complex, and you never know quite what you're going to find in a machine. So it's kind of a push.

I hope to dig into a box or three this weekend. I hope to play on NetVibes in the hopes of consolidating the daily crap I peruse, so that ultimately, I'll spend less damn time on the computer. I hope to take some pictures. I hope to knit some and read a bunch. I hope...

Shot in the arm

Having a boss who's positive and encouraging makes a huge difference. Lil Sis would probably agree...she's recently gone from truly shitty leadership to fair, if a little scattered leadership, and the difference in her emails alone attests to her relaxed state at work. I've been with my company so long, I can get really apathetic and cynical sometimes when it comes to the sphincters running the joint (case in point), but the manager they hired for my team last year has brought some much-needed intelligence and organization to our corner. Someone who actually encourages you to grow in your position...it's a bit of a rarity in cubicle world.

I've been not-really enjoying one of those weeks where one day runs into the next. I loathe when that happens, makes me feel like life is slipping past me and I'm not taking nearly enough time to accomplish excrement, smell roses, etc. Thanks, Dad...appreciate the life lesson.

Anyway, had a one-on-one with my manager about my performance and we get to talking about what else I'd like to be doing. We're currently in a dry spell, sales-wise, so it's a perfect time for extra training, polishing skills, etc. I get to talking about SEO, how search engines measure sites and how we can improve customer retention if all areas of Operations are kept up to date on the ever-changing methods of the browsers (i.e. Google, Yahoo, etc...I've already lost people, haven't I? This thing on?.....). She gives me free rein to run with the idea, researching what we are doing vs. what we should be doing and how we can cohesively maintain heightened education on the subject from a QC standpoint and hopefully across the floor in Operations, as well as the industry standards as a whole. No timeline, real work comes first, of course; but she's helping me educate myself to make myself more marketable down the road, in addition to attempting to increase company client retention. I'm a lucky gal, and suddenly, work ain't so dry.

In other news, I've been neglecting the plants a bit due to disappointment over my first failures, but I'm getting back on them this weekend. Luckily, it's been a Florida summer week here, with rain almost everyday, so what's out there has been holding on. I've been reading more than knitting again, but the latest batch of library books contained some real gems, so I'm not begrudging the time. Ashley English's books are goldmines! Can't wait to own 'em myself.

Mental wanderings

Crime tape all over the ER across from my building this morning...some poor bastard tried to leave AMA from the ER at 4 a.m. and got belligerent when security stopped him. Security called the cops, and they ended up tazing the guy in the parking lot. Nice. I'm sure the guy deserved it, sounds like he needed additional help ... but this is also the city that ruled it justified to empty 45 bullets into a bank robber and the car he was trying to jack, even though there was a family with kids in the car. The mother got shot too, and a 2 year old died. I really hope the pending civil suit screws the city to the wall. What's sad is it won't stop them from cutting budgets that can't afford to be cut, and combining officers' duties until they're all hopelessly overworked and underpaid. Understand that this is a rant...I don't have any answers, I just know the current system ain't cutting it.

While I'm ranting, I find it interesting that when this incident occurred, it was responded to by cold case cops, because they're called out to officer-involved incidents in addition to their cold case duties. How exactly do they expect cold cases to ever get solved if the cold case officers are always working current cases? Cuz lemme tellya, there's plenty of crime to go around here in Jax. I guess I'm just wildly naive to the needs of the city's security. Lord, I can't wait to move outta this area. I totally get that Charlotte ain't pristine; hell, its crime stats some years rival ours, but the environment is just so different...

Crap, gotta meeting, more later...

Taking Stock (just cuz)

Outside: sunny, hot, humid, pretty clouds

Inside: hum of AC, eyesight a little splotchy from too much natural and fluorescent lighting

Wearing: jeans, navy top, black chuck taylor wannabes – tomboy style rises once again!

Thinking: lunch, chickens, getting back to knitting in the evenings

Bedroom: needs to be decluttered and vacuumed

Kitchen: making something with pork tonight

Dining area: disaster

Living room: Les's project, also needs vacuuming

Favorite thing to look at: Les's gentle face

Hope is: a house, children, dogs, a garden

Now is: something to be grateful for

Thinkingthinkingthinking...

I'm restless this week (yeah, yeah, I know, I'm always restless), but this time it has me pondering things I wish were different in my life and how I can go about turning them from wishes into realities. Things as simple as making more food from scratch or turning the dining room area into a workstation I can actually use without it cluttering to high heaven every week. Stuff like that would settle my addled brain, just requires a little thought and elbow grease.

Found Ashley English's Homemade Living books at our local library, digging into Keeping Chickens this week. I'm already excited, and I'm probably what, a good 2½ to 3 years from having my own birds. Heh, probably more like 4 to 5 years, if we are able to have a child...I have to remind myself that until things improve a bit with Les, I'll always be working with a bit of a handicap where the big dreams are concerned, that of only making X amount of money to fuel said dreams. It's hard, being patient, reading about what you want when you've paid the bills and will now be ignoring the account for the next 2 weeks because there ain't anything there for frivolity, much less extravagances, like new belts for the car or a frappuccino. But so what, I say...doesn't mean those dreams can't happen. Gonna keep butting my head against that dream ceiling until I break through...

Average Monday

 

Blogs are supposed to be exciting. Or at least interesting. I've said before how this is more of a journal than a blog, as an apology to my whopping 6½ readers. Alas, my urge to post dictates the occasional mundane.

I got a new lunch box with this logo on it on Saturday. I'm seriously in love with this purchase. It's adorable.

Saturday morning, I was up at a decent hour...got rid of the recycling, hit the library, and shopped for produce at Native Sun. Craft fair on Saturday was a snore, but Mom and I salvaged the afternoon with a trek through St. Johns and dinner at Carrabba's. Sunday was spent relaxing and shopping; Les and I hit Costco for a look-around and finally cashed in on the free membership. Then I hit Publix for the regular shopping. The porch didn't get touched...I spent the weekend reading Kathy Reichs.

My arthritis is acting up again, right ankle. Weather here went from high 90s and dry to low 90s and humid, so I'd like to blame it on the barometer changes, but I'm pretty sure my big butt and sedentary lifestyle play the much larger role. It's driving me to eat healthier and keep exercising. Shopping yesterday was interesting...I read labels now and am trying to steer clear of heavily processed foods or stuff that has the potential to include GMOs. Lord, it's tricky and frustrating, but I'm determined, and I'm pretty sure I saved money in the long run by not buying so much crap. The real test will be using the new lunch box every day instead of caving to fast food. Feels like I'm turning another corner where taking care of myself is concerned...time will tell.

Toasty Friday

Willpower sucks...not the concept, but the act of it. How the frick am I supposed to eat healthy when there's recipes and pictures out there like this sucker?! Not fair at all :(

No point in bitching about the weather...everyone else in the nation is standing around too, sweating, going dear lord, where's the sweet tea? We Floridians should be just ho-hum about it. I actually am...was walking from building to car to building yesterday just enjoying how the warmth felt on my head, on my skin. I don't feel the humidity lately. Gotta be the lighter clothes and lighter spirit.

Something really weird happened this morning. Fridays for me mean jeans and sneaks. We can wear 'em any old day at my work, but I try to save 'em for Fridays and usually I look forward to wearing them. But this morning, couldn't bring myself to wear them...they were too heavy, too bell-bottomed, couldn't get them to work with my coordinating footwear. Realized I would be much more comfortable wearing one of my new pairs of highwaters with a blouse. Tomboy style takes another hit.

Busy weekend ahead, lots of cleaning, craft fair with Mom, Native Sun run for fresh veggies, hopefully Costco on Sunday to finally take advantage of the free membership I won a while back. Meara hooked me on Vitamin Water Zero and I'm anxious to see if I can buy it in bulk. Since I can't eat/drink Aspartame (Equal...I'm allergic), I'm always on the lookout for "diet" stuff that uses Splenda or Stevia. Hilarious that with all the crap that they offer at one of those warehouse places, that I'm hoping for Vitamin Water. Happy Friday, y'all!

Still in a funny little fog

My brain is somewhere between Charlotte and Jax, between where I am, where I'm wanting to be, and what I need to accomplish to get there. I'm reading Being Upright and trying my hand at taking all that and living in the present. It's an interesting juggling act.

We drove home Sunday, went straight through from Charlotte to Jax. We called his sis in Columbia to see if we could meet up, but she couldn't figure out where to meet us that wasn't out of the way for the both of us, and she was still half-asleep, so we acknowledged that we were blowing each other off and kept going. We avoided Aiken (his folks) altogether, because we wanted to get home to the cat...plus if I didn't get back to a place that involved my sneakers, I was going to go 'round the bend. I was tired of walking funny from the pain. No, make that shredded. Absolutely loved being there; so, so hope I helped, but dear god, do I need to get in shape and retard the progression of this arthritis!

Just dawned on me...wonder if the change in sea level was a factor. I haven't had pain like that since Nanie's funeral in CT, when I blamed it on the snow. Hmm...

Weather here is definitely July in Florida...Weather Channel is threatening 100F tomorrow, and that's without taking the heat index into account. Yeesh!

Meara starts her new job today. I'm so flippin' happy for her :)

Glee, Mr. Schue, Sue Sylvester, Rachel, and Kurt all got Emmy noms. Sweet!

My first pepper is a bust (blossom rot from feast-or-famine watering, I think), and my first tomatoes are a lost cause. I've planted a second tomato that by some miracle is shooting, and I have herbs started in the biggest pot, in spite of the fact that the ducks tried to lay their last nest right in the soil, causing me to chase them away and try to reshape the soil by hand...figured those seeds were sunk, but nature took over while we were away last weekend. I righted my duck deterrent (had the screen door in a fallen position over my porch and by some miracle, they got the message), and this weekend, I'll reorganize. I'm thinking the table has to go and the stuff that isn't getting used needs to be stored inside, because Lil Sis and I found some porch chairs for her porch at the evil big box store last weekend that fit my highly critical criteria (they're cheap and fit my big butt)...so I'm hoping to turn my porch into a place where we can actually hang out this weekend. I'd love to take my coffee there in the mornings.

I need to clean the kitchen tonight and stay the hell off the computer. Started my latest round of to-do lists. Can't wait for the weekend.