Comfort is...

...a semi-clean kitchen.

...Starbucks Breve Latte.

...seeing my Lil Sis (beautifulbeautifulbeautiful!).

...visiting with two aunts whom I haven't seen for at least 10 years.

...figuring out yarn-over-purl stitch.

...looking forward to getting my hands in the dirt this week.

I found my kitchen. Tucked into it before family visiting time on Sunday...man, that feels good, having counter space back. Just in time too...our refrigerator is on the fritz again, so we have to defrost everything, which puts our cold food sitch in limbo for a day or three. Yay.

Saturday was a recharge day...this month's womenly fun kicked my arse, so I did a whole lot of nothing and feel very little guilt. Besides, finally getting the ball rolling on the cleaning means it'll start now, in drips and drabs over the next few weeks...something about seeing my counters again, there's this "light at the end of the tunnel" thing going on...and no, it's not the headlamp of an oncoming train. Occasionally I'm able to dispense with the cynicism.

Beauty is...

So my blond stringbean of an autistic nephew is playing at my brother's house yesterday. He and Cyril have these bargaining conversations, where Hunter will ask for a particular toy and Cyril will put him off by saying, well, maybe for your birthday in September. So Hunter was saying to Cyril that he needs another funnel-shaped piece and some tracks for one of his marble sets, and Cyril puts him off, and Hunter counters with something like, OK, then how about for Grandsir's birthday in June?

Grandsir was my dad. I get that time probably passes quite differently for autistics, but boy! How the frick does he remember something like that?

Irony is...

We were doing some reminiscing about that delightful time in our lives almost 2 years ago, and Meara brought up a memory I'd forgotten. Dad passed on a Saturday, we went home, cleaned up, went back to Mom's, and sat around in a dazed condition before going out to dinner. The phone rings, Meara answers it, we figure it's another condolensce call. It's United Healthcare, calling to talk to Dad to try and sell him a supplemental insurance package. While Meara gently explained that that wouldn't be necessary given the day's events (making the sales girl cry in the process), the rest of us pretty much laughed until our sides hurt, at the randomness of life. I remember pointing upward (toward heaven) and saying, "that was you, wasn't it?"

Peace is...

Momma Zen, who gave me a lesson today in patience, in recognizing when there's nothing you can do. Les couldn't come to visit with my family and the aunts yesterday, because he was knocked flat with a migraine. I'd promised he'd be there, because the aunts were from out of town and I wanted him to meet them. When it was apparent he wasn't going to make it, I let my frustration show. When he asked if I was mad, I did what I always do, rationalize it, deflect...I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at the situation, I'm mad at your pain management doctor. Momma Zen helped remind me of the futility of being mad at all, when the situation is entirely out of your control, when it's something in which you absolutely cannot alter the outcome.

Comfort is...

All my favorite blogs at right, because they remind me of the life I wish to lead and give me lessons in working toward it. I read SouleMama and dream of a life with kids and crafts and home-baked food. I read Granola Girl and dream of attachment parenting, living outside the city, and maintaining a more spartan lifestyle. I read One Green Generation and am inspired to continue recycling, get planting, and make the world better. We have so much to learn from one another.

Blissful, delicious Friday

One of the few things I like about having a straight job...the structure. When I worked at the theater 100 years ago, my days off were usually like, Tuesday or Wednesday, and weekends were grueling, with midnight shows and Saturday 10 a.m.'s. I appreciate me a good Friday now.

Heh, wasn't even trying for the pun...been feeling pretty darn agnostic lately, seriously over anything remotely related to organized religion or church. I dig the Unitarians, but when you're only in the mood for feeling philosophical, the social change aspect of that religion can be tiresome.

Melanie: "Well, technically, an egg-white omelet isn't really an omelet."
Martin: "Look, I don't want to get into a semantic argument over it, I just want the protein."
Paraphrased from Grosse Pointe Blank

Plus my pastor is retiring and moving to the West Coast. Now granted, haven't darkened the doorstep of the place in going-on 2 years (dang...lapsed Catholic is one thing, but lapsed Unitarian? You gotta be some kind of lazy to pull that off), but I really enjoyed the guy—he's intelligent, well-read, and an interesting speaker. So I feel like I'm searching again. Part witch, part Buddhist, part....hmm...

Work's been very busy lately and I'm feeling a little shredded. This weekend will be a combo plate of relaxation and small efforts of diligence. There's organizing and planting and always dishes and laundry and family and lately, Dad in the background slipping into my thoughts with frequency again, as we creep quickly toward the 2-year mark. That ache takes its sweet damn time abating.

Blogging week

I'm at it again...too much to do, so I may as well blog. Already looking at a little OT on Saturday probably, because I'm behind on site reviews and it's a payroll week so they need to be done by Sunday, the report is heinous, Mods are high, sales are down, whine, whine, whine...

Started socks and ripped 'em out last night, got a little bold with the cuff, was going to go with a scalloped edge, but I think I've come to my senses. Hope that's not an indication of how the whole pattern's going to go though...may have a better look at the chart. Throw a couple of YOs in there, and I turn into a complete wimp.

Anti-frizz conditioner.......check.

Anti-frizz hair lotion.........check.

Air drying hair in Florida...........POOF!!

Hermione hair...................check.

::sigh::

Family in town this weekend, two of Mom's sisters, so Meara's coming home too (YAY!)...we'll do a shindig at Mom's on Sunday, should be a nephew sighting too! Love that blond stringbean! Here's a picture I snuck from my Lil Bro's Facebook pg. I ask you, how many autistics you know who'll mug for the camera? That new school is doing wonders.

busybusybusy

What am I doing blogging? I have a weeks' worth of site reviews to plow through, haven't started the Production Hold report yet, and have to train again today from noon to 2 p.m., which means the report will back up significantly...so why fight it? I'm only one woman.

Made a determination about the bike, I think...another hard pill to swallow. The only thing harder than being this size is realizing the potential for my body to literally break a bike frame at this size. I've looked at multiple models, done some Internet research, and buying a bicycle, for me, I think, means a) dropping some weight, and b) spending some dough. Neither of these things can happen overnight, so I'm changing my thought process yet again. The bicycle will be a gift to myself when I hit a goal weight. Until then, I'm investing in yoga blocks, some new exercise shorts and socks, and strapping on the sneakers for walking. I'm a frickin' Nike ad, I gotta just do it.

I'm so over this. Made an appointment for myself with the ARNP at my OB/GYN. We were going to take a few months' off from the baby making so I could get on track, but I'm really scared I need to do both at the same time, because age and heredity just aren't on my side anymore. So I'm going for med refills and advice.

My yarn came in! Woohoo! I haven't tried Essential before, but it's softsoft and the colors are rich. I've worked with Felici in the past, very soft too. Glad I finally tuned into the importance of looking for decent sock yarn and checking ingredients. I mean, seriously, how can sock yarn not be machine washable? That was my big disappointment with Sock Garden, which they no longer make - got it through a stash trade - machine washed them by mistake and now they're night socks only. But hey, every knitter felts something at least once, right? RIGHT?! ::sigh:: Anyway, dug out the Interweave Sock book last night and plowed through my old Interweave Knits magazines...hit knitty.com too and reacquainted myself with their patterns. There's a fine line between trying something new and being too chicken to try something new...I'm a top-down sock knitter so far, and the William Street socks from Interweave have this excellent looking, fat cable pattern, but they're toe-up...so I'm having to talk myself into them. The thing about socks is the fast gratification, so I have to wrap my mind around practicing cast-ons first with (s)crap yarn, before I set into the patterns themselves. Patience, Melanie.

How do you keep a dingbat in suspense?

Order yarn through the mail.

Indulged in a KnitPicks order last week...man, I love their stuff! I have 3 batches of sock yarn coming, plus some Harmony buttons so I can finally finish the seriously thick (White Buffalo) wool cape I made like, 2 years ago....just needs like, an i-cord and toggle button closure type deal at the top. Not sure how it's coming though, USPS or UPS, and the waiting is making me antsy. Already have 2 sock projects in mind for the yarn...need to teach myself a cast-on for one of them, that'll keep my mind busy in the meantime. And I need to order their ball winder too, before they come to their senses and jack the price back up.

Back knitting a bit here, a bit there...had laundry duty and a little homework—something actually fun related to work! Put new copy training into action by writing a couple of paragraphs selling a dragon security service :)...plus a seriously emotional House ep (holy crap, they're getting good at keeping spoilers quiet!), so nothing last night, but I did start up the baby sweater again this past weekend, and I bought a pound of LB kitchen cotton and started a dishcloth...SO, SO nice to have enough needles to complete projects and start new ones! Thank you Mommie! That Joann's card has been wonderful, stocked up on drawing supplies too.

Lightbulb

Peter: "Hey, Lawrence, you ever have anyone at work say to you, 'looks like someone has a case of the Mondays.'?"
Lawrence: "Naw..............no, man.................no, I'm pretty sure you'd get your ass kicked saying something like that."
Paraphrased from Office Space

Man, I woke up with those. Went to bed grumpy, woke up grumpy. What is it about my apartment that brings on the depression and creates this inability to get a single thing on my mental lists accomplished on the weekend? We've lived there too long, and have just signed on for another 15 months. Dandy.

So it's bootstrap time. I don't know why I operate better on a higher level of activity, but I do...will probably do dishes tonight after work, when the bastards got ignored all f*cking weekend. I didn't want to come to work at all this morning, but I tucked into my chores right away and I'm doing better. Now, being trapped in a copywriting training program (SNORE!) for 2 hours ain't going to help, but I'm in a better place for it now. I'm starting to think Starbucks Lattes possess controlled substance properties.

So I want to plant this week, and it dawned on me that to do it right, I need to seed indoors first, give the little suckers a chance. How to do that with a slightly schizoid cat in the house? And the lightbulb hit...we just closed the AC vent in the closet and started closing the closet door to a) keep the wormy cat from sleeping on the clothes and towels, and b) try and keep our (read: my) clothes from smelling like smoke, because the apartment proper is just screwed in that regard. Since I'm reorganizing the closet anyway (because it goes to seed rather quickly unfortunately when we don't have shelving), I can set up an area for the plants too. Never thought of cleaning as something to look forward to, but I think I can put a more positive spin on it now in my head.

Seeing the community gardens at One Green Generation has me itching to do more than container garden. These next 17 months are going to go by incredibly fast if we're not careful. There's so much planning to be done for Charlotte...

Ordering bike this week probably...unfortunately, the ideal model for my wants and needs has shown itself on the website of the most evil of big-box stores...tossing aside the boycott in favor of free shipping. Baby steps.

Notes of a Friday

Not sure it's possible to be less motivated at work...starting to see how my paycheck looks with less OT...

We have 17 months to get our sh*t together; they were running a promotion at my apartment complex...no rent increase if we renew by March 31, for up to 15 months. No rent increase?! We took all 15. Nasty as our place is, it's a roof over our heads. I'm starting a spring cleaning kick this weekend...Meara's place really motivated me.

Life on hormones may be brutal, but life off hormones means my PCOS comes back with a vengance. It's a vicious circle with PCOS, you crave more stuff that's bad for you, which maintains your weight and exacerbates the symptoms, like the ole ovaries taking a month off. I'm scared my biological clock is winding down, thanks to my fat ass. Going to do some real thinking about that this weekend.

My ideal job would allow me to wear jeans and sneakers whenever I wanted. There was an actual spring in my step this morning, because of my jeans and sneaks...so comfy! (I save my jeans for Fridays). Jeans are just tight enough to make me grumpy though, Kelly Clarkson concert T is just fitted enough to make me self-conscious, and I'm back in a cubicle with low walls. The ole spring in my step wore off fast, and I can tell this weekend's going to consist of some dreaming and planning.

1. Start cleaning
2. Reapply for Les's SS
3. Buy bike
4. List what you want to plant, inventory supplies, buy soil and seeds
5. Budget—Our days of being flush are going to slip away fast if we're not careful. Time to get a real monthly budget going.
6. Weekly food plan—That'll tie in with my thinking about my health and ways I can change it. I'm literally eating away our ability to start a family, and at my age ... man, it just makes me cringe, when I think of where the time's gone.

I'm 39½. At 41, Dad had his first aortic dissection. At 43, Mom had fibroids and lost her women parts. If you put any stock in the theory of heredity, then it stands to reason that I'm significantly shortening my lifespan at my current weight/health status, to say nothing of possibly missing out on bringing a small version of Les and I into the world. Yes, I'm obsessing, yes, I'm a worrier, but when the f*ck is it going to prod me into action? Missing my egg this month was a real eyeopener, and I'm through eating myself into an early, possibly childless grave. I bought and have started reading Yoga for Arthritis, and I'll bike every damn day until my knees can handle adding walking to my regimen.

Twittering again...

inside my head, that is...there's lots of thoughts and memories from this weekend to tuck into my heart and brain...

My Lil Sis keeps a very clean house. It's quite inspiring.

I realized quite bluntly how much my clothes stink of smoke when I'm away from the house. I plain don't notice it at home, because it's part of the environment. Planning some things to change that...

I'm ready to think about planting.

I'm ready to think about cleaning the apartment again. I recognize that this project will not be ready in time to show my relatives (who are coming for Easter) where I live. Started a Spring cleaning list...

I'm VERY ready for my bicycle.

Seriously inspiring, my sister's place...it's going to help me let go of a lot of things...things that I couldn't let go of when we were emptying Mom's place, because they were so much Dad, but which I'll be able to look at more clearly now....yes, some of it will be stored for when we have a house, but most of it...I mean, yes, I want a workshop in a garage or basement, but do I need a 35-year-old electric sander that's so loud it makes your ears bleed, when I can buy new? Things to ponder...

The Kelly Clarkson concert ROCKED!! So much fun! Didn't even get anywhere near the stage or theater where it was held, we watched it from the extra vid screen they put down the street. Mom and I got ourselves a pretty plum spot, considering the serious crowd, and had a great time.

Meara burned me 3 CDs, 2 of KC's stuff and one mix of current upbeat music. I haven't really listened to my MP3 player since Dad...something about my music made me ache hard, and certain stuff -- stuff I consider really pretty like Josh Groban or Enya -- brings me to tears, which certainly gets in the way of work and whatnot. I think I'm in a better place with that, thanks to this weekend.

She also had lots of mirrors in her bathroom, which allowed me to get a good look at myself. That music's going to be used for working out too.

My fingers are itching to knit socks...Mom got me a Joann's card for an anniversary gift, gonna blow some of that sucker this week :)

Adventure

Heading to Orlando with Mommie today :) We're visiting Lil Sis and catching the Kelly Clarkson concert at Universal Mardi Gras. It'll be a nice break; work's been very busy lately. Not exactly complaining...would rather have it this way than the alternative. Meara has a small meltdown every time they lay off someone else at Universal, and Mom's getting a pay cut thanks to this economy. I know how lucky I am.

Bringing the snood, hoping to finish it this weekend. Haven't been knitting in some time, and I know there's a direct correlation between lackoknitting and how I handle things in my everyday life. I'm late on the planting, and we haven't bought my bike yet...will be doing some thinking, some random listing on the trip, I think...

::sigh::

If you find your Starbucks isn't flowing with appropriate speed, check to make sure your nose isn't blocking the little air hole on the lid.

I can't be the only one this happens to...

Mental Wanderings

That should be the name of this blog really...definitely the way my brain's been headed lately...

Working on a Saturday blows. Granted, I'd probably just be sleeping in and avoiding cleaning if I was home, but so not the point...

If my elevator at work holds up to 3500 pounds, does that include the marble floor tiles in the damn thing?

I know I don't actually want to live too far out in the boonies, but I can't seem to shake the peaceful feeling I got driving through that GA farmland...

Bike shopping still hasn't happened...hopefully today, if I ever get out of work...

I haven't been knitting...there's a discontentment occurring with my evening activities, an itchiness, something missing...thinking that investing in some sock yarn and starting some new socks may take the edge off...

Need to start planting...that would definitely help too.

I think my body decided not to drop an egg this month. Won't discuss how pissed I am about that...it was an eye opener though, about how the PCOS is affecting our ability to procreate. Can't think about it too hard...it's been a shitty self-image/self-esteem week.

Husby bought me a Starbucks Gold card...knew there was a reason I loved him :)

Getting back to real life

I'm in a grumpy place this week. My knees are still ornery at times, my female clock is off, and this work thing gets old fast. Add a couple of 80 degree days (yuck!) and my co-boss being off the rest of the week (meaning added responsibility for me) and you have a recipe for a little grey cloud over my head.

I ache with the news of Natasha Richardson's accident. I think it's a combination of watching the new Parent Trap lately (it's been on Encore lately...I consider it LiLo's best flick, and Richardson's comic timing was delightful), and the knowledge I have of her family's situation, having someone close fall ill quickly and deteriorate rapidly. Going on 2 years later and I still want to scream with rage when I think about it.

Damn, that work thing is encroaching on my blog posting...gotta go!

Twittering without the Twit...hopefully...

Posting once a week...yeah, that's a funny...can't help but be plugged in when you work online all day...

Haven't downloaded pics yet, so I'm cheating...here's my furry newest sister, Chloe in her whaddaya-mean-I-can't-lick-there lampshade...she just got fixed.

So I don't text message on my phone...only just recently started using the cell as my main phone source...and we're pay-as-you-go people, so it's hard to justify the expense of texting. Frugal, but slightly out of character when you consider that I'm more of an email person than a phone person, but hey, I'm a mass of contradictions :)

I was glancing through the Yarn Harlot's twittering, cuz I think she's rather delightful and funny, and it got me thinking that since I've been back, my thoughts have been limited to rather twitteresque shorts...the ole brain is enjoying a break from the extra hormones, and I'm still kind of turned off...I think they call it relaxed, but again, that's a bit out of character for me. On my current medicinal regimen, I'm always goinggoinggoing, always thinkingthinking about the apartment and moving and knitting and getting pregnant and and and...because I can't live in the present. But vacation allowed me to slow down, and the delicious after-affects are lingering. Sure, this trip got me more motivated to get us the hell out of Florida (my head's still in GA farm country), but it's also allowing me to live in the present a bit, to not look much beyond the now...to clean the apartment because it needs to be cleaned, not because we're trying to purge stuff for a move that's easily still a year + away...my gosh, the energy I waste on wanting wanting to be anywhere else...

With that preamble, I give you some fake twittering...

Funny (or sad) that the want of a spinning wheel (and a Playstation 3) is going to teach us to save money...shouldn't we be saving for, oh, I don't know, a house downpayment?! Baby steps...

It's completely unfair that I can't replicate Starbucks Breve Latte in my own home...may price cappuccino machines this weekend just for poops and giggles.

My knees are almost back to normal. I think we're going bicycle shopping for me this weekend...the money's there and it's definitely time. I think I sprouted a new stretch mark under my frickin' arm while we were away...my pride took a serious beating over that.

Way too pretty outside to be trapped on a computer...spring has definitely hit Fla...will be surprised if we get any more cold snaps. May get planting this weekend, definitely getting out on the porch regardless...

...with sunscreen! Sunburned my tattoo :( Doesn't sting or anything, but it's gotten all bumpy so I'm neosporining it and keeping it covered so I don't scratch at it by accident...don't want to screw it up, but some of the blue on my outer moon has already left the building :(

Bought a pair of fake evil big box store Croc-wannabes while camping...screw my flat feet, those suckers are comfortable! Going to shop for the real thing, see if the orthotic footbed lives up to its press...

I'm pretty good at sniffing out TV spoilers, but last night's ER threw me for a loop...SO glad I tuned in, had no idea that it was going to be the Doug Ross ep! I don't even watch it anymore, but I'd seen the previews and figured what the hey, Benton and Hathaway...

Man, I'm glad it's the weekend...Happy Friday, y'all!

Update

Thursday...quick family time...family strife...hiding from animosity...keeping my mouth shut.

Friday...dawns cool...nice drive up to park...farms, cows, horses...one navigational blunder...arrive...settle in...rest...nice cabin, can't believe they only have these at one park in SC...drive to Clemson in search of decent meal for anniversary...not finding anything...worried we won't find anything and will have to settle for Ruby Tuesday's...bleh...wait, what's that?...Pixie & Bill's...lovelylovelylovely...amazing food...redeem myself for earlier navigational blunder in spades...seriously stuffed and happy...hit evil big-box store for provisions and head back to park...

Saturday...up slowly...gorgeous weather...cabin right on lake...Canada geese in distance, birds and squirrels closer by...let Husby wake up slowly...enjoy just sitting in the sun and reading Kathy Reichs...breakfast/lunch...shower...serious water pressure, really clean comfort station...on the road in search of Stumphouse Tunnel Park...cave is very neat, cool temperature, wet rock face of walls...Issaqueena Falls right nearby, lots of people...back in car, drive to trailhead for Station Cove Falls...45-minute hike, lots of neat looking trees and fairy meeting areas...falls quite pretty in spite of current drought, stop and enjoy for a bit...meander back to car...knees starting to protest hiking...hit grocery store in Walhalla for provisions...back to camp for hot dogs and wind down...

Sunday...Husby 'graining...precisely why I wanted the cabin for this trip...park myself on picnic table and enjoy sun and Kathy Reichs...weather gorgeous, decent wind...arms and face get color, I get relax time...quite happy...roust Husby mid-afternoon for bacon frying...nap for both of us...hop in car to find another grocery store, this time in Westminster, easy 15-minute drive from camp...countryside's so pretty up there....rolling hills...really not normal to be this happy...back to camp for hash, s'mores, hot cocoa...bright moon all three nights, pretty, but sucks for stargazing...wind down fast, body's punishing me/us for Saturday's hikes...quite motivational for both of us...

Monday...pack up and hit the road...Husby refreshed, better...take 17 to 25 in upper Georgia to wind our way home...REALLY beautiful, rolling hills, fields, lots of farms, long barns, cows...scenery good for dreaming, wishing, thinking about the future...Husby drives 2/3rds so I can gaze out the windows...nice guy...grab takeout, arrive home, drag stuff upstairs, partially unpack and reacclimate while laying about in dazed condition...forget to call all family members to let them know we're home...

Tuesday...day off...thank god for foresight, still a bit tired and knees aren't speaking to me...hop over to Mom's in afternoon to do laundry and play with puppy...puppy gets on nerves so take a Starbucks break...make mistake taking puppy off leash before door's closed and puppy escapes...ensuing run/panicked scramble makes knees feel even more delightful...grab Abe's Pizza for dinner, head back home, attempt unsuccessfully to get into work mode...

So we're back. I'm feeling good still about how unplugged I was up there, so will be trying to steer clear of blogging more than once a week for awhile. Besides, there's cleaning to be done, plants to get started, knitting projects, and the usual level of dreaming desire, punctuated by balmy 80-degree days and a firm resolve to get healthy. Pictures when I get around to downloading, see you in a week!

TGIW!

Today's my Friday :) I wore jeans and sneaks to work and my mind is quite elsewhere. Tomorrow we head north to the inlaws for a quick overnight, then the rest of the way to the park on Friday. The car has clean brakes, 4 new tires, has been aligned, and the oil changed...smoothest ride I've had in ages! I have a silly amount of things planned, and am preparing myself for real life to get in the way of at least half of them, but I don't think I'll be disappointed, so long as I'm with my lifemate so close to the great outdoors. The weather's supposed to be temperate the whole time we're there, except for a touch of rain on Sunday.

10 years...easiest thing in the world, loving him...my cup runneth over.

The tax return came in, but the car work cost more than we'd planned, natch, so we won't get to splurge on ourselves the way we'd hoped...Husby wants a Playstation 3, I want a spinning wheel, but I'm encouraging us to start saving for those, now that I'm making almost comfortable money. I don't want anything for our anniversary except time with him away from Jax. Back in a week!

TGIF

Reasonably sure I'm not a mom yet...
Glad it's Friday.
The disappointment is sinking in like a slow spring rain, soaking...but I won't let it stick around long. I've already taken a look at my calendar, how March lays out for the task. Dust yourself off, look ahead, was somehow beaten into my head, probably by Dad. Guy spent his life a bit down, but always the brain was working two steps ahead.

Too bad it'll be a little early next weekend...I'd love to conceive outdoors, under the stars...could still happen, never know with nature.

Tomorrow's walk will be really good, motivation-wise. My body doesn't like all this weight, my knees tell me this daily, and still I stuff my face with my emotions. Reading the Zen stuff has been helping my perspective, helping me separate needs versus wants, but it's the beginning of a lifelong road...in the meantime, I have to stop being so afraid of exercising during the 2ww. I'm afraid to put more stress on my already stressed body, afraid to start exercising during the maybe times when my body is so used to being sedentary. I need to realize that my body's tougher than all that, and that any exercise is a good thing.

So, walking and spinning/knitting tomorrow, a little work and a little cleaning Sunday, a lot of laundry, and planning for a much deserved break. Not a bad list for a weekend.

Nice mo

So I've been talking to myself since...oh, at least the 6th grade, when I realized it because my math teacher would tease me about it as he handed back my papers, would mumble to himself after calling my name. Nice enough guy, but that's a bit of political incorrectness I could've done without. Anyway, I've learned to keep it kind of under control, but in moments of weakness (or significantly incorrect medication), I can get quite chatty with myself. Apparently it's one of the things that drew Les to me...I was the manager who talked to movie posters. That's supposed to scare guys off; instead it helped find me my lifemate.

So I'm sitting at lunch enjoying a seriously healthy sandwich and a little zen read, and I'm distracted by this guy who's wandering around the parking lot talking to himself. Well, more accurately, talking hands-free to someone else by cell. And it dawns on me that if I had one of those suckers, I could get away with talking to myself and no one would be the wiser. I'm just goofing around with this idea.....I think. As I have no real use for a hands-free set for my phone, just don't use it enough, my brain wonders if I could make something that would look like a hands-free receiver. I mean heck, I forged a milk ticket in the 2nd grade (cute story for another time), certainly I could manufacture a fake bluetooth! And this feeling washes over me, of fatherly pride and laughter, as I remember how Dad was so tickled at my ingenuity over the milk ticket incident that I never got punished for it. It makes me catch my breath and ache, but mostly it's a warm fuzzy. Nice.

Back to Reality...or What's Next?

If you choose to believe a store-brand pregnancy test done hastily in the middle of the workday, that was probably done a pinch early, then this month was a wash. I'm choosing to believe it, because it's giving me the ability to relax a bit and plot my next move. I'm still hoping of course, but the progesterone always throws my schedule off, so I won't really know until I know...you know? In the meantime, I haven't been taking care of me well enough. The headaches could just as easily be blamed on candida as hormones, and if I'm going to be true to myself, only about half the weight I've gained this month can probably be blamed on the progesterone. So it's time to revamp the ole diet again, and get thinking about fitness. It helps that I'm doing the Trails of Tails with my mom this Saturday; it's a 1.5 mile fundraiser for the Jacksonville Humane Society, and that distance is about all this body could handle right now. And that just sucks, so it should be a great motivator. Hoping to drop by Sugarbee's afterward (she's local, the Ravelers are meeting), get some hands-on instruction on spinning...we'll see how pooped I am and how sociable I'm feeling...it's a coin toss lately. Probably have to work a bit on Sunday :(

Next weekend, blissful freedom. Husby's and my 10-year anniversary is March 6; I'm dragging us camping in the SC mountains where I hope we'll hike a little, rest a lot, breathe fresh air, maybe take in a waterfall or two, check out the SC Botanical Garden at Clemson, and several other things that'll be lucky to actually hit the itinerary. The tax return is imminent, and all the February OT I've been slogging through has us comfortable right now. Life is good.

Better

More focused.....(she says while writing this at work.....well, more focused for me anyway)

Took a mental health day yesterday...this new version of the hormone is kicking my arse. I'm flying pretty high of late, and occasionally the things that come out of my mouth are cruel. Normally I'm aware of when my mental filter needs adjusting, but on the progesterone, I'm cruising along 2 sentences later thinking "geez, that was mean." Thank god for understanding Husby...I call it going praying mantis on his ass...

More Notes to Self

Seriously the most important note in my life.....

STOP GOING OFF YOUR F*ING PAXIL ON A WHIM!

Thanks the gods I didn't have my interview yesterday! Between the girdle and my brain being 2 days clean of that lovely med that metabolizes in my system like food through my Lil Bro (dude can eat anything, energy of a hummingbird, the bastard)...I was not in a good place yesterday. Kept blaming it on the girdle when I was winded just walking down the hallways at work, but it was a side effect of being off the damn med...could hardly catch my breath all day. I caved in on myself pretty hard as the day wore on, and was useless yesterday evening. Hit the sack at a decent hour, and am feeling more like myself today. It helps that I got paid a seriously decent check today, treated myself to Starbucks, and took my medication like a good girl. But seriously, what a f*ing idiot I am...I mean, even if I am pregnant, even if I do take the damn Paxil straight through my pregnancy, and breastfeed while on it, even with all those factors in play (never mind that I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I'M PREGNANT YET!!), the plain truth is a) the potential small person will have zero memory of any pain of withdrawal (because I don't see myself breastfeeding more than a year or so) and shouldn't suffer any long-lasting ill effects, so b) he/she won't be scarred by it in any way. There's like, no trade-off here, no logical reason at all why I should stop taking the damn med. So I pledge here that I ain't gonna pull that crap anymore!

P.S. Funny thing about the girdle...I haven't had to wear skirts in ages, so I completely forgot that I had started wearing bike shorts under my skirts because I knew the girdle had gotten too small, but I was too cheap to buy another one and needed something to prevent chafing...I swear the gods gave us women short-term memory issues so we'd be able to procreate the species more than once without the ole roadblock of "oh yeah, this hurt a little last time, didn't it?"

Ok, enough self-flagellation...gotta work some OT this weekend, and the rest of it will be spent taking care of me while simultaneously obsessing about going to the recycling place, tidying the apartment, getting some planting started, knitting stuff...in other words, the usual.

Happy Friday, y'all!

Notes to self

1. You don't have to wear a skirt to look classy.

2. You need a girdle that fits.

3. You need a nice pair of dress shoes and some more tops that actually fit.

My god, I can't wait to get home today, cover the husband and cat with something protective, and cut this gd girdle off my body. Can't remember the last time I was this uncomfortable. Very glad I didn't interview today, because the discomfort would've been distracting. Today's been a learning experience in self-image.

Edit: Yeah, the girdle didn't make it to end of day. It's residing in a company trash can now. Darndest thing, my headache let up right after...

Wound a little tight

Whew...was kind of thinking that last entry would provoke response, and when I write about stuff like that, I'm just blowing off steam, not trying to incite debate...yes, I'm a big ole coward.

So I applied for my job officially on Tuesday. Received word from HR the same day that I was scheduled for an interview on Thursday. Apparently this was done in error...supervisory candidates are actually interviewed by a panel of folks (oh goody! Interview by firing squad!), and this wasn't addressed prior to scheduling me. They couldn't have told me this yesterday? No, of course not, so I heft myself to work today in the rain, in a skirt, after having to buy pantyhose on the way because the 2 pairs I had self-destructed naturally, only to discover 10 minutes before my interview, that it's being rescheduled. I say again, they couldn't have told me this yesterday? They obviously have no concept of the effort that goes into a) finding a responsible-looking outfit in a wardrobe of relaxed business casual, b) getting a fat tomboy into pantyhose, and c) getting said tomboy's head screwed on straight enough to interview for anything, when she's off ALL her meds because she thinks she might be pregnant...

Yeah, I'm wound a little tight today...gonna go eat my feelings and try to chill. With any luck, they won't reschedule the blasted thing until I'm sure I'm pregnant, and I'll be too over the moon to be worried about such trifles...

Closemindedness?

Random mini rant...

I'm a unitarian universalist. Haven't been to church in ages, but I enjoy learning about all the different religions that are out there, and I subscribe to more than one philosophy in my life. So how sad and closeminded is it that after trolling around a little on the devoutly Christian blogs, purely for the anthropology of it, that they started to creep me out? That the idea of Christians who spew out litters of kids and pile them all into an RV because they're traveling missionaries doing the Lord's work is a level of weird that I can't seem to wrap my mind around...I think because it bothers me that those kids will never know anything other than Christianity. And there's so much more out there to study. God didn't give us these brains and these philosophies just so we could shut ourselves off from all but one of these schools of thought. I guess it's because I'm a self-proclaimed free thinker living in the South, that I feel threatened...I mean, you can't turn around fast in the South without tripping over a Christian. Can't walk through a Walmart parking lot in South Carolina without some stranger coming up to you to ask if you've been saved. But folks who visit prisons and bad neighborhoods, dragging their families regardless of the kids' ages to meet with the dregs of society in the hopes of showing them the Lord's way...I don't get what makes them think they have the right. It just feels like brainwashing on a couple of levels.

I wish the Amish blogged...now there's a level of Christianity I can embrace, the ability to live righteously while leaving the rest of the world alone. They probably would think I'm going to hell too, but at least they'd keep their mouths shut about it.

Waiting

2 week waiting, to be exact...or 2ww, which is one of many baby-making acronymical codes on the ole blogosphere. It's coupled this time with headaches that I'm trying unsuccessfully to convince myself aren't of the hormone variety. They started the day after we tried the first time (also first month we've been able to try more than once!), I didn't start the progesterone until a couple of days later, you do the math...and then smack me around so I can stop being so certain that we nailed it this time, and the disappointment a week from now won't send me over the edge...this certainty is coupled with panic, hilariously enough, this holy-crap-what-if-we-really-did-it-this-time-we're-not-ready mood swing, which has me wanting to clean the crap out of the apartment and see a realtor about renting a house, while remaining sedentary because the headaches are sucking my energy.

To top off the latest ride on my emotional roller coaster, I'm having to interview for my own job Thursday (tomorrow)...I slid into the responsibilities of said position awhile back, but was never officially given the title, and to be fair, they had to open the field to anybody in house. So tomorrow I get to dress up and meet with HR and my immediate bosses, and try desperately to keep the crazy at bay. I mean, I've been with the company 9 years, so I'm sure some crazy has slipped out in moments of stress, but I've been able to keep the hot, molten crazy tucked into its little box...ah, I know I'll be fine, it's just hard to relax about it.

Hit a turning point on the sweater I'm knitting...when you change colors, you hit the bottom point where the sleeve will eventually attach. I modified the pattern though, and have been working the thing in the round instead of in front and back pieces, so that means having half of the sweater on a stitch holder now and working it in 2 parts...only I don't have a large enough stitch holder or an extra set of size 8 circs to maintain the section I'm not working. So I started a sleeve instead, until I can get to Joann's...

Reading the heck out of the Zen books I found at the library...in spite of their philosophy to learn through experiencing, there's a pile of literature out there on the subject. Haven't been able to center enough for zazen lately, but it's a work in progress...

Busy

Not much to report...work is kicking my butt, OT opportunities abound. The good news is my bosses do appear to value me, the bad news is I'll be formally interviewing in the near future for the position I've held for the last 3 months. Ah, bureaucracy.

So nose to the grindstone and eye on the prize...money for our anniversary getaway in 3 weeks :)

Zen

"Sunny. 72. And that's the weather."
~ George Plimpton's weatherman character in LA Story (1991)

Living in the South has its perks.

So I'm going through another phase :) Well, hopefully it's more than just a phase...It's coming at a necessary time in my life. Work is quite stressful, I'm not too happy with the way things have been shaping up in my company of late, but of course, the economy being what it is and my intentions toward starting a family being what they are, I'd be a blithering fool to go looking for work right now, so I swallow my stress and press on, which naturally creates more stress unless you have a decent outlet (and that's not even counting the resentment stress I swallow that's pointed toward Husby in moments of weakness, or the desire to shake his pain management doctor into submission). There's knitting and learning to spin, sure, but I've been back to not eating right, my sleep patterns tend to suck lately, and eventually, the ole health/sanity starts to give.

And then I happened upon Momma Zen...

I studied Buddhism awhile back, in the offhand, dabbler-on-a-quest fashion that any lapsed Christian explores their religious options. I think I may have even still been a Republican at the time, so it was hard to get my mind around the level of pacifism that they embrace (and I still reserve the right to yell for my husband if I see a roach in the house, and won't be giving up meat any time soon). But something about Zen spoke to me, called out to me, when I happened upon Momma Zen on Friday. I plowed through her archives and it was like Neosporin for my soul. I truly suck at living in the present; I'm always looking ahead to the next city, the next phase in our lives, because I'm not happy where we are. But something clicked this past weekend...it's hard to describe. I realized I have it in me to make the changes I want to make, in the apartment and in our lives, and suddenly the pressure was off to make them all happen immediately.

Yesterday, I slept in for the first time in ages. Got the closet back up to snuff...that was a remarkably fast process; I even have my dining room table back already! Not going to bother calling maintenance to replace the shelving, I'm just throwing it out and making do for now. My casual wardrobe doesn't require a whole lot of hanging stuff anyway.

Sat zazen and was surprised at how comfortable it was. I'll be incorporating more yoga into my evenings too, as I find my balance in this new study of life. I'm still a witch at heart, but my unitarian beliefs got a real shot in the arm this past weekend, and I'm charged with the desire to learn more.

Folding clothes can be centering...

...but men's shirts are a pain in the tail. I'm incapable of folding men's shirts any other way though, other than the way you see them folded in the stores...shades of Dad's Army training, that precision.

Working late all this week, plus OT on Saturday...time really slips away from you in the evenings when you're doing that. Almost gave thought to going in early today when I woke up at 6 a.m., but reminded myself of how spent I felt last Friday when I did that and begrudgingly tried to get more sleep. It worked, and helped...all the more important to remember to take care of me when I'm stretched thin like this. I'm on the 2nd phase of the monthly hormones and thankfully the headaches haven't been an issue this time, which is nice.

So I got about 2/3rds of the clothes pulled out of the closet and they're stacked neatly on the dining room table for now...definitely not going to bother getting maintenance in there anytime soon. First I'll purge, then I'll stack, then I'll see about the possibility of hanging stuff...

In the meantime, it's fantastically cold down here...2nd night of hard freeze and only getting up to high 40s. It'll warm more going into the weekend, but stay clear and sunny...so nice to have the cold of winter without the precipitation. We Southerners are quite spoiled.

Losing my dining room

Signs it's time to move...when the apartment starts falling apart around you...

The walk-in closet passed away again. The lovely maintenance man (read: brain-dead reject with middle school education and no concept of physics) who repaired it last time didn't bother to a) ensure he was rehanging the hardware on studs, or b) reinforce or replace the drywall where it had previously been attached. I was burning off steam on the computer in the main room last night when a rather tremendous crash sounded from somewhere inside the house. Baffled, I investigated and discovered the entire contents of our closet had fallen south. Thank the gods the cat hadn't been napping in there (she does, rather often), she could've been crushed. I almost panicked, but then checked the other place she's been frequenting lately (a cute hideyhole on the bottom shelf of Husby's hutch, on top of his clothes) and there she was gazing at me with those green eyes and this look on her face like "what just woke me?"

The rest of my evenings this week will be spent pulling stuff out, folding clothes, and finding places for everything, before we can even think of calling maintenance to fix it. Maybe I won't bother...I could probably do a better job creating a solution for it than they could. We're also going to have to give the place a decent cleaning and get rid of all the recycling if we call them, because they've admonished us once before for the clutter. And we're not even that bad! I've seen worse, slept in worse, and given the clientele that populates my neighborhood, I can guarantee we're not the worst. Not the point certainly, but still...

Thank goodness I have a free weekend coming up, nothing serious planned. Work got seriously busy for me on Monday; they fired my boss :( So we're behind on tasks, short on leadership, leaning heavy on OT, and expected to maintain perfection with seriously limited resources. I won't even start bitching about how they hold us accountable for things they shouldn't (like thinking we're falling down on the job because there are errors on sites, when it's evident the client has already had their grubby little hands on it, so it's not our fault...). Glancing at my W2 was interesting, because I made OK money last year, but the current shift and the closet issue have my wheels turning again about where I want us to be 6 months from now, a year from now...

Found my dining room!

On Sunday, right where I left it, damnedest thing! Moved some stuff out to the porch, some more stuff just around, and there it was, floor space and an almost clean table for eating, projects, etc. Realized I love having a "desk" separate from the computer table tho'...and the whole area needs some more thought, because I'm pretty sure we're stuck in that blasted apartment for another 7 months after this lease...so may as well make it a little more livable.

Worked mainly on the sweater this weekend, because I'm close to changing colors on it...dug out my Fixation (2 balls of pink, 1 yellow) and will be pondering sock patterns this week too.

Spent Saturday with my mom, we went to the Sister to Sister Heart Health show...a good reminder of the things I need to work on.

Moved an old end table and all my gardening equipment out to the porch...will be deciding on seeds and supplies this week.

Hiya!

Hormones on the upswing (thank you Clomid!) and my mood's better than it's been in days. Like the flower? I finally put pictures on my Facebook profile, and downloaded everything in the camera in the process...this beauty was from my inlaws front yard.

Been sweater knitting (Beach) more this week, because I'm in the home stretch on one color...you know how you spend more time on something when you're getting to the end of a skein? Well, I do anyway :) Luckily I have dpns in that size (I think), so I can start the sleeves simultaneously if I want, when I add the next color.

Hanging with the Cast Offs tonight! Small band of knitters of the pagan persuasion :) Happy Thursday, y'all!

Fibery goodness

Imagine a city park on the water, bordered by live oaks, sidewalk encircling it, with people meandering about their Sundays walking their dogs, biking...wait, there's a big group of people under the trees on the right...what the heck are they all doing with their hands?!

What a neat feeling it was knitting in public on Sunday! Thanks to Kimber, Corrina, and whomever else contributed to that neatness. There were door prizes, raffle prizes, everything was donated, and 100% of the proceeds went to the local women's shelter, Hubbard House. At least 50 people, women and men, turned out for what was a pleasant day ... we headed for the hills when the sprinkles started, but it was plenty of time for me to relax a bit in the company of (mostly) women. I mainly worked the snood while I was there until my yarn ran out and I didn't have a fresh skein on me...then switched briefly to the sweater. (so there, miss ruthee! I CAN combat project ADD! bwuahahah!) I used to get laughed at because I'd come to an evening mingle with the knitting gals with at least 4 projects...do like 2 rows of something and switch...I think I'm getting a little better...of course, it's because I'm itching to start more socks and fingerless gloves, but don't have the yarn or needles for the projects, so I'm trying to finish projects to justify new purchases...the knitter's vicious circle :)

Got to meet Sugarbee Chris on Sunday, sat right next to her and watched her spin, and the beginnings of a new interest were seeded in me. I'm starting at the bottom like a good girl, bought a drop spindle kit online to get myself started, and I'm looking at online ways to build a lazy kate from household items. It'll probably be a year before I'll consider myself worthy of an actual spinning wheel, which is good, considering the expense...in the meantime, Husby's been wanting to buy me a swift and ball winder, so I'll drop more hints about that for when his research money comes in >:)

I'm back to knitting in the evenings while I unwind, and man it feels good! It's rather hilarious how certain muscles get used during knitting...so when you drop off the hobby and then pick it back up, you find yourself sore in weird places. Centering me nicely though, which is cool, because I've been kind of hormonely unhinged the last couple of days :P

Friday

Payday friday at that...

Made some "to do" lists yesterday, hoping to get started on those tomorrow...maybe even tonight...it could happen. They want OT at work this weekend, but I don't see it happening in Melanie's world...Sunday the Jax Ravelers are knitting in public, and I want to stop by for that, so there goes a chunk of that afternoon.

I'm down to the thumb on the 2nd mitten, that should get finished this weekend. So I'm betting we've seen our last hard freeze this season in Florida...that's me being sarcastic because I'll have finally finished the mittens. Snood and sweater got attention this week, but I've been a little scattered too.

Thinking of sticking to herbs for my initial spring planting...my 9-month-old parsley surprised me by living! Imagine what I could've done if I hadn't neglected the crap out of it...I only noticed it because we've had a couple of hard freezes, so I went out to the porch to bring in the little plants and cover the aloe and discovered the parsley. Motivation strikes again.

Another reason for holding off on planting veggies...been thinking of pulling our credit reports and seeing about moving sooner than later, here in Jax...current lease is up end of May. A tall order to be sure, but possible...yes, yes, I know I could still plant veggies, but I'm recognizing my limitations here...

Lots to do this weekend...I'll try to take it easy on myself when it doesn't all get accomplished :)

25F

Crazy cold! Drag out the handknits cold! Woohoo!
Mel's in heaven :)
Pulled out my big, floppy hat and my LONG purple scarf for today's excursion into work. Still saw people who didn't even have jackets on. At least the flip-flops took a holiday for the most part. But I don't get people...at 25 degrees, the only thing keeping your snot from freezing is the little insulating walls of your nose, right? What idiot doesn't wear a jacket in this weather? Well, one of my team leaders apparently...lost a little respect for him, I gotta tellya...I mean, there's a line between manly and plain stupid. Can't blame it on being a Floridian...he lived in Atlanta before this gig. Then again, I saw hypothermia cases in 50F weather with rain (the quite-memorable Avon walk back in '02), so I guess I'm just smarter than the average bear about it...

Now, who wants to go to my meeting for me? I'm in a pissy work mood today...the festivities of yesterday have me motivated for other things. Looking into volunteerism...Starbucks is giving away free coffee this week if you pledge 5 hours :) ... check it out at http://pledge5.starbucks.com.

Hope

So, anybody NOT watching a bit of TV today?

I watched the speech from outside a conference room at work, outside because the room itself was filled. People in the office clapped at key points. I had been listening at my desk, but the MSNBC feed got too choppy...CNN wasn't even letting people on, there was a wait period. I listened and wondered why it took me so long to address my true beliefs. Just 8 years ago, I was still clinging to my parent's values, didn't think anything about the environment, bought the party line of rape, incest, or danger to the mother where abortion was concerned, and was a big defender of the 2nd amendment. Now granted, a lot of that was a defense mechanism to get myself through college without opening up my wrists...I was hooked up with a great bunch of friends, who happened to be College Republicans, and since I was a Poli. Sci. major and quite emotionally unhinged/unmedicated at the time, I convinced myself that this was the route my life was to take.

When law school and boyfriends were cast to the wayside in favor of real life, it became a lonely business and I was adrift for several years. Finding Leslie, and unconditional love, allowed my brain to blossom, and the Internet certainly helped too. I began finding blogs that promoted things like environmentalism and gender equality and pacifism, and instead of snorting in derision, there was this "where have you been all my life?" undercurrent. I began reading/studying and realized the pathways in my mind had shifted considerably. And that's kind of an understatement...my dream candidate is Kucinich's ideals in Obama's body, and if (s)he's bisexual, that would help too. But I'm saying that I'm grateful that my completely mediocre public school education allowed me enough openness of mind to find happiness and conviction in my beliefs.

So I listened today and felt hope. Certainly this country has a long way to go and quite a bit of cleanup is necessary to get us back on an even keel, before we can even think about implementing some of the social programs that we're aching for...but for the first time in a long time, the task feels doable.

On a totally selfish note, I stood and listened the entire time (because there were no empty chairs), but because I've started working my knees again, and my stance was correct, my back didn't object and my knees didn't feel like they were going to cave in on themselves...which unfortunately is a feeling I've had lately. That's a real boost to my state of mind, and I'm motivated to do some more yoga tonight (in between some serious laundry) and to create a schedule for working my legs, so I can get away from that lousy weakness I've been enjoying since the holidays. More hope :) of a very personal nature.

Monday

Sleepy. Sore. Did a really small amount of yoga yesterday, and my right knee's telling me in no uncertain terms that I need to do a lot more of that. Wah.

This week's starting out to be a paperwork week...spent yesterday resorting and shredding old files (while enjoying an empowerment boost watching Erin Brockovich)...tonight I'll try to finish that and get to resorting old paperwork that needs to be filed...which will lead to transferring paperwork back into the better filing cabinet, recycling the old one, and beginning the rearrangement of the dining area...which will be set aside though, so that I can segue from paperwork to budgeting this week. Planning that camping trip for March, which'll require a bit of saving or at least more prudent spending...yeah, I know, radical concept.

Heading into home stretch on 2nd mitten (yay! my first pair! might be big enough to line with fleece!)...still working snood. I really like the way that stitch lays out (basic k2tog, yo*), but with worsted weight, it's a little hard on the hands...I'm using a merino/acrylic/cashmere blend courtesy of my mominlaw's Tuesday Morning addiction in a really pretty kelly green. Other UFOs still enjoying neglect, but I'm getting in a sweater mood again, and I'm thinking of seeing if the Fixation I bought ages ago still has its elastic, but that yarn's buried in the dining area, so...

Random

The hot broads are my Lil Sis and my Mommie :)

Interesting, the things you come across when cleaning out your picture files...

Rallying...again...and again...and...

Today dawned sunny, clear, and cold. I woke up and grumbled my way out of bed to hit the shower and realized that the grumbling was mainly general going-to-work grumblies, not the wound-tight-as-an-f'ing-drum feeling I had yesterday. Relief. Serious relief.

Planning a baby shower for a colleague at work...that should help too. I'm still stinging from the idea that January is a wash in the baby department, but am planning to talk with Husby about it.

Taking us camping for our anniversary this year (10!)...there's a state park with cheap cabins up in Fair Play, SC, that's in close proximity to a line of state parks along the Blue Ridge borders...hoping to get some fresh air and hiking in. The cabins are climate-controlled, so it'll be easier on the ole lifemate, plus weather won't be such an issue with a roof over our heads. I've learned from the soggy (make that drenching) May trip last year.

Well, as long as I'm at work...::sigh::

Oh, there you are, depression.....

Was wondering where you'd got to...

When you're taking an untherapeutic dose of Paxil and your body doesn't produce lithium, you're occasionally going to have your ups and downs. Last week was definitely up. Today I have that run-over-by-a-truck feeling. I don't think it's seasonal affective, although there is an argument for that...the weather's absolutely miserable down here. Rainy and chill. No, make that bitter. And you all know I never complain about the cold down here. But there's something going on in my head that's making me want to head home and crawl into bed. Covers over head. Growl. Snap. But the new year just started, so I don't even have the PTO accrued yet...1 more hour of work...

I'm pretty fiercely disappointed because I think we've let another month go by...missed the ole ovulation window. I'm going to be 40 before we have our first child. I have to get past that scaring me...there's nothing to be done about it at this point. Press on...

Tonight I'm going to sit in my knitting chair in extremely comfortable PJs with a mug of hot chocolate close by and ride it out. There's decent TV on tonight, plenty of UFOs asking for attention...I tried meditation last night. Tonight I'll try yoga.

Feeling good

Friday. Payday. And my gosh, the energy...don't know whether it's the slight difference in my diet or the fact that I'm giving my body a break from the hormones this month, but I sure hope it sticks around. Last night I got off work, plowed through the rest of the dishes and tidied the kitchen, made a decent meal, knitted up to the start of the thumb on my 2nd mitten, and started the Secret Garden. Hit the sack semi-early...woke up this morning around 5 and gave up trying to get back to sleep when it dawned on me that I'd gotten 6 hours and should be able to function on that...so I sorted a pile of bills and culled my coupons before starting my morning routine. Uh oh...I think that means if I hit the sack at a decent hour, I should be able to strike out early in the mornings and go walking...gulp!

The weekend...hoping for some accomplishment. Tomorrow I'm thinking of putting in a pinch of OT, and then I'm meeting Christy and Diana for lunch, so there goes the afternoon. But I'm slowly chipping away at the house, bit by little bit. If this energy sticks around, I hope to do some serious work in the dining area on Sunday. I've decided to turn the typewriter table into a mobile chopping block...I'll explain that more in a later post.

Giving some thought to our future...how we may need to settle here for a few more years, before making the big move. Tossing the idea around in my head, and mentioned it to Husby this morning...I know the economy's part of what's dictating the latest change. While I have a decent job, one that's willing to work with me should I become a mom, with decent bennies, etc., it doesn't make sense to uproot. Why not settle down a bit, move a bit out of town if possible, and concentrate on getting financially stable in a setting where the cost of living actually makes that feasible...another plus is Les's pain management doc, a really decent guy who doesn't treat him like a drug seeker...

Funny thing is, I think the last trip to CT is contributing to my change of mind too. Something about not being ready physically or mentally for what a big move like that, and life afterward, would entail. Granted, we're not looking to move to big snow country (though I wouldn't mind being close enough to day trip to it), but Nani's trip was SO eye-opening to me about what I'm doing to my body, how much work I need to put in to change. I was in such physical pain while I was there. I'll grant you some of that was probably a) the weather, and b) the stress of the trip manifesting itself physically, but it's still worth studying. Which I'm doing while I think about how I want to live this life.

I joined One Green Generation's Growing Challenge - Seed to Seed (link at right). Hoping to plan that this weekend too, what I'm hoping to plant this spring.

Found 2 delightful blogs this week...A Friend to Knit With and Granola Girl. They're on my Links now. Just neat ladies about my age, doing the knitting and kid raising thing. Check out the photos by Granola Girl...holy crap do they live in God's country!

Different

When I got back to work and in front of a computer last week, I did make a list of resolutions.

1. Budgeting, repair credit
2. Small person
3. Make apartment livable (serious purging)
4. Keep apartment cleaner
5. Purchase more dpns, knit more socks, finish UFOs
6. Husby teeth (in part)
7. Husby job (in part)
8. Refile disability (Feb.?)
9. A 5-year plan with projected move, goals, etc.
10. Healthier lifestyle for both of us
11. A LOT less eating out
12. More photography
13. More creating
14. More planting (herbs, veggies, and flowers)
15. Take better care of cat and car, not necessarily in that order.

Looks like a tall order, but they're so varied I can't look at them as needing to be done all at once, so I don't feel overwhelmed. Which is cool, b/c I'd love to be able to pull at least some of them off. Usually these lists get abandoned early, but I'm determined not to let that happen this year. It can't...if I get pregnant, quite a few of those things will NEED to happen. So may as well get started.

So I'm back at work and life has returned to normal, which is the reason I lagged here again. I think I'll try to update it once a week, and do more pictures this year. On January 2nd, I ate like I normally do and wrote everything down (calories, fat, protein, carbs), and it was the wake-up call I needed. Now I'm choosing more carefully what I eat, and the increase I've experienced in daily energy is fantastic. Exercise is another story, but again, I'm determined to start, because the increase in weakness that I've been experiencing in my knees has me worried.

Finished my first decent pair of socks for me! That UFO was kind of negated by the snood I started right after it, but again, I'm looking forward to finishing or frogging the UFO pile and getting some real knitting done this year. Other crafts too...

So pictures soon, I promise...I want to share some of the snow shots from when we went to CT, and some other stuff, in between poking the husband to help me purge/clean the apartment, maintaining decent meals for us, and all the other delightful stuff of life that crowds out dreams.

And on the 8th day.....

God created Starbucks Mocha Frappuccino.


ahh...

Whine past.

Stress break

Hawkeye: If they try and serve us that garbage one more time, I'm going to throw a fit.
Trapper: You won't throw a fit.
Hawkeye: Then I'll throw a berserk with a strong resemblance to a fit.
Paraphrased from M*A*S*H "Adam's Ribs"

We're losing another editor to their dream job (teaching). That brings our in-house editor number down to 5...and out of those, 2 work odd hours and one is completely dedicated to a specific project. So I'm feeling a little stressed and needed to post a whine. Because on top of that, we're finally getting caught up, which means less work, which means the higher-ups may decide we don't need as many editors as we'd like. The potential for that development doesn't amuse me. If my boss decides to jump ship after he gets his MBA this month, he's going to find his home rolled in toilet paper and his motorcycle up a tree.

It also helps punctuate that I'm not doing what I'd like to be doing and makes me jealous of those that are able to manage it, which makes me ornery...so I'm whining. Wah.

Gratitude

Really brief (yeah, right)...hoping to download pics in another day or so...still decompressing from this past week....

I'm grateful for:
1) Les's grandma, who gave me the plane ticket money so I could go see Nanie home.
2) The home, however messy and broken down, that Les and I've made for ourselves (because it's really nice to come home to).
3) The snow that started falling as we left the church to head to the cemetery with/for Nanie, which continued all day, giving CT a foot of the white stuff and a true winter wonderland feel.
4) Being back in Florida, which I realize now that I bitch about way too much.
5) The Christmas bonus, however small, that my company saw fit to give out this year.
6) Generous relatives who fulfilled several of my Christmas gift wishes.
7) The look of love in my mommie's eyes as she cares for her new puppy.
8) The epiphanies I had about my health while on my travels, after days of arthritic pain and mouth breathing from exertion, barometric pressure, etc.
9) Having a job to come back to.
10) Paying $1.39 at the pump on the way home yesterday (SC).

Connecticut was exhausting and sad and blissful and different...I haven't seen snow like that since 1985, and Meara's never seen it fall, so we diffused our grief quickly upon arriving back at my Uncle Dan's by going out several times to play in it. We took picture after picture, she made her first snow angel...it was really amazing and did my heart good. Thank goodness I brought my red wool coat, because it was perfect for the conditions outside...the snow started to pour right when we arrived at the cemetery and naturally the little canopy over the gravesite couldn't fit everyone, so I was standing on the outskirts and even in a dress, wasn't cold at all.

South Carolina was harder, quite a bit of family drama there, but we made the best of it. I think it was harder for me just because the trips were back to back...got one night in my own bed and then it was back to sleeping on couches and being what people needed me to be. Got back yesterday, dropped our stuff at home, and went straight to Mom's for Christmas dinner with Meara, Cyril, Alice, Hunter (his face is changing! 8 years old, my foot, he looks at least 10!), and the new puppy Chloe, who is so frickin' adorable it defies explanation.

Back at work, glad for the weekend...came home to a broken fridge and a needy cat. Looking forward to getting back to normal.

Nanie

My dear, sweet Nanie passed away this morning, Sunday, December 14, 2008, at the remarkable age of 97. That's her (R) and Mom (L) last year, June 3rdish.

Mildred Grace Lyons was born on July 18, 1911. The younger of two girls, Nanie enjoyed a fairly average, middle class upbringing by devout Irish Catholic parents in Norwalk, CT. Her parents were something like 2nd generation Irish-American and came from sturdy stock; Nana Grace herself lived to be 96ish. Her older sister Alice, married David McGrath and had 2 girls and a boy before succumbing too young to cancer. Nanie married Cornelius (Neil) Lyons and had 4 boys; the third in line was my dad.

We lived in CT from my birth to my age 15. Weekends more often than not were spent traveling down to Norwalk for day trips to visit relatives. Nanie would get a rotisserie chicken in a bag from a place that my faint memories place near Stew Leonard (probably wrong), make mashed potatoes...which is not to say she didn't cook much. I don't think she ever had a career (correction: she met Popie while working at either CVCO or Nash as a stenographer/clerk); she was a stay-at-home mom and I remember some terrific food in her kitchen. Cyril (Lil Bro) and I would pull out the basket of old toys that she had left over from her boys and busy ourselves while the adults visited. Her backyard was great for running around, had a big rock that was fun to climb.

Popie, her husband, passed in 1980 after lingering for 18ish months after a major stroke. Nanie did what women in grief do; she tried to move far away from the hurt. She bought a condo in Kent, CT, where she found herself desperately lonely for Norwalk; she lasted only a year or two there. She inquired to the new owners of her old house, found they were planning to move, and she grabbed her old house back, where she stayed until her finances dictated different digs. Her later years were spent in 2 different houses until her age dictated she move in with her eldest son. A couple of years ago, she began to wander, her memory began to fade, and she was more unsteady on her feet. It had always been her plan to go into Notre Dame Convalescent if necessary, so that's where she's been for the last what, 2+ years? When we visited last year at Dad's memorial, she never really clued into who we were, though part of that was because we were all carefully avoiding the thing that would've sparked her memory (she hadn't yet been told about Dad).

I remember lots of parties at her house, christenings, funeral wakes, family gatherings. Cheek-pinchers and cool adults alike. Man, we Irish can party when someone kicks. The Lyons were a name in Norwalk back then, probably still are. We (Cyril and I - Meara arrived on the scene in '83) were quite a bit younger than our cousins on that side and gravitated toward the adults, where we were praised for being so well-behaved. Nanie enjoyed us, babysat for us occasionally...she was my first pen pal. I couldn't have been more than 6. I would write her little notes and mail them and she'd write back. She enjoyed brushing and braiding my hair, and she told me once that while she certainly loved her boys, she'd always dreamed of having a girl that she could name Mary Jane and encourage to have long hair. So I was her Mary Jane, and her little pussycat. She also credited me with getting her to stop smoking...when I was an infant, she came over to babysit me once and realized she didn't want to smoke anywhere near me, so she stopped right then and there.

She was felled by depression in her later years, but she always retained a quick wit; and before the senility kicked in, her mind was bright. She held her Catholicism inside her like her own spine, constant, never failing, and I'm sure she kept her original thoughts to herself mostly, given her generation, but she was fun to talk to when she was younger. Hell, you have to have a sense of humor to raise 4 boys in the era of children being seen and not heard...like that's possible.

When I saw her in 2002, she was still with us mentally and we had a lovely visit that I'm grateful for now, because the visit last year...well, it wasn't a negative for me either, come to think of it. We spent the visit going around the table reintroducing ourselves. I sat right next to her and held her hand, and when she let lines slip like, "I'm not much use now," I told her that wasn't true, that her strength was a testament to all of us. Likely, I've fashioned my memory to something positive that I can take from that whole numb visit; we were all in so much pain after losing Dad. But I know where I get my strength now, and my love of life. Dad may have had the weak heart, but his soul and moral compass helped create the solid, bright individual you're listening to now...if you've hung on that long :)

I'm aching hard today, and this week and holiday season will be a bit difficult now. We're waiting for word on arrangements, but the only way I can afford to go to the funeral is if a) they are in fact giving out Christmas bonuses this year, like they have the past 5 years, economy notwithstanding, and b) I can manage to get it early so I can buy a plane ticket. I really want that to happen, so I'm talking to one of my bosses tomorrow. If I can get the money early, Les will try and borrow from his grandma so he can come with me this time. He's never met Dad's side, we couldn't afford to bring him with last year, and I was too numb to realize we should've borrowed from Grandma then. I pray this comes together, and I pray for strength to keep the weepies at bay. I know it's natural and healthy, but between the lackolithium and the hormones, the weepies sneak up on me. Adding insult to injury, I'm in the middle of the 2ww (2 week wait), so I won't be able to drink. Imagine attending an Irish wake and not being able to drink. The gods are testing me.

Godspeed, my dear Nanie! Take care of Dad and Popie and Neil Boy, and take Meara's advice and learn how to swim while you're up there; it's a blast!

Stuff

With my next paycheck, I'm gonna buy a pad of construction paper so I can make paper chains and holiday decorations to hang around the house. I'm wearing my holiday earrings now, but I need more...this is gonna be such a thin holiday. That's a good thing, I know...with a little luck, it'll be easier to engage that idea in the future...lord knows I'll be pushing handmade gifts more...I'm rambling...

Been living in the future this week. You'll be happy to know I've managed to make enough money to send my kids to the Waldorf school in Chapel Hill, NC, and we have a little house with a decent herb and vegetable garden in this future...

It's f-ing 70F outside. I hate Florida.

Thursdays are ok though, there's this "home stretch" feeling to them, and the company Christmas party is tomorrow night. After 9 years, it's pretty pat, but I'm looking forward to dressing up a bit, free country club food, getting Husby to smell like Drakkar :)

Reconciling

With myself...a good pal reminded me that everyone goes through phases where they feel they're barely accomplishing anything. I'm not so special (I know, I know, you didn't mean it THAT way). I'm just always a little hard on myself, because I used to be a type A, and now...I know better. I live two lives too, and being stuck in the "other" life gets tiresome and frustrating. My "good" life is where I'm on my proper doses of prescribed medications and my head feels screwed on straight. My current life, well, my patience is shot and I don't give myself nearly enough leeway.

It was a nice Thanksgiving. I 86d the acorn squash and we're still up to our ears in leftovers. I burned the pie, but it was still edible. Gonna have to freeze the sweet potatoes so they don't go to waste.

We need to consolidate the recycling and take out the trash today, and tidy. Can't believe it's Sunday already. Trying not to be too down about that. I woke up thinking about things, and I hope to assuage my guilt over not getting enough done this weekend by sitting down to make some lists, really think about the next year and what I'd like to have happen versus what will probably happen. Kind of parse my dreams against reality, see what sticks.

Somebody stop me before I concoct another side dish...

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. Started in adulthood...had to, because my folks weren't traditional with this holiday...I'm not sure we ever (EVER) did turkey for Thanksgiving. We did filet or stuffed lobster, hamburgers, anything but turkey. Mom and Dad both had grown up in traditional (for the times) households and had had enough turkey to last them a lifetime. And the turkey soups, turkey sandwiches, turkey hash, turkey ala king, and oppressive amounts of side dishes leftover...so they didn't want to subject us to that, or deal with it themselves. I understand it, but...

So as adulthood presented itself, I created my Thanksgiving. We travel at Christmas, so Thanksgiving is mine. I put the Macy's parade on, open up the house if it's cool, and spend the day baking. The last couple of years, Les and I bought a turkey breast and smoked it out on the grill. I experiment with side dishes and desserts (that I've spent the last 2 weeks mulling over) and make almost everything from scratch.

This year's menu is complete and I have just a couple of things to grab at the store tonight, got most of it last night...we're doing another turkey breast (Les likes dark and white meat, I'm a white meat gal only, so with just the 2 of us, it cuts down on waste), I'm making smashed sweet potatoes (Barefoot Contessa), acorn squash ala Paula Deen, and broccoli souffle (Southern Living). The potatoes and squash are because I can't be trusted in Native Sun, the broccoli is because we needed something green. Breakfast will be quiche Lorraine, I'm trying a blue cheese mousse dip with bread and chips for in-between, and dessert is Paula's Apple Butter Pumpkin Pie, which is VERY well received in my house. I'm still contemplating bread from scratch too, but my stomach threatens to explode at the thought, so may have to wait til the weekend to dabble in that.

Mom and Meara head to Ohio tomorrow for a family reunion on Mom's side, Cyril and his sig oth are both working, so there's absolutely no guilt attached in not spending this holiday with family. Talk about your win-wins! Ah, you know what I mean...we'll relax, watch the dog show after the parade, putter, ponder cleaning, decide against it...it's nice together-time for Les and I. The menu feels pretty indulgent, but we only do it once a year. Have a wonderful holiday!

P.S. If you have some prayers to spare, please direct them toward my Nanie. She's Dad's Mom, 97 years young and winding down...latest word is that she's stopped eating and sleeps most of the time, and she's a DNR so that means they're letting her fade. Having her possibly leaving us soon has torn the band-aid off my Dad grief, so I wouldn't mind a little positive energy too.

Yeah, I've gone sporadic again...

I'm in a rather constant fight with myself. While we're trying for small people, I'm on a hormone regimen, no lithium, and half my normal dose of Paxil. The result is rather unenjoyable mood swings, that have my brain working 25/7 (which is a blast when I wake up in the middle of the night), coupled with the delightful, apathetic lethargy that accompanies depression. I get all these great ideas at work, when I can't implement them, and when I can implement them, I have no desire to. For my reformed type A personality, it's frustrating. So sometimes it's better not to speak.

Work's been busy, quite frustrating, and a little scary. But things will lighten just a bit as the holidays ensue. I'm getting in the mood, though I haven't a clue yet where the money will come from to purchase/make gifts this year. Thank goodness for my micropromotion; we're not caught up yet, but it's allowing us a certain amount of freedom in spending that's heartening. I'm looking at inexpensive, charitable places for gift ideas, like The Hunger Site, and I'm not knitting a damn thing this year for anybody. Barely picked up needles in September and October, and it's just not worth the stress, trying to make stuff for Christmas. As for holiday cards, I'm thinking of making my own from the cardstock I recycled from my company when we changed our name.

Hit Native Sun last night for the Annual Open House. Holy-crap-on-a-gluten-free-cracker! I figured it would be busy and I was still blown away...got there at 6 on the dot, there were 2 cops directing traffic, and the line wrapped halfway around the building. The place was a mob scene, but the food was delicious, they gave out some recipes I look forward to trying, and I stocked up on veggies for Thanksgiving and one or two other items. I'll definitely be hitting that place more; I'm finally in a place where wanting to eat healthier is a goal and I'm not turning my nose up at stuff just b/c it claims to be health food. Their organic ale was yummy too; may have to grab a bottle of that before we start trying again this coming month :)

P.S. Having a Starbucks a stone's throw from my office is getting dangerous >:)

The plants finally made it out to the back porch, and if the weather holds, I'll be drying clothes out there more and they'll have less chance of getting neglected. I'll start a fresh batch of herbs soon, just have to unearth the apartment a little more. Came to my senses about having the family over for Christmas dessert...the place may be clean by then, but you can't realistically expunge 10 years of smoke buildup. But I actually did a little work in the dining area last weekend, and it'll help motivate me to do a little more this weekend. A little at a time...

Happy weekend everybody!

Thinking about stuff...

Nothing earth-shattering...just plunked down $8.15 at Panera for lunch, and while it was delicious and satisfying, it got me thinking again about how there's nothing but me stopping me from creating lunches like that to bring from home. Now granted, I'm operating with a handicap of late...said to my mom today that between hormone therapy and my micropromotion, I'm lucky if I leave the house with the bra UNDER my shirt. But I'm thinking of stopping the hormones and doing a seesaw with the lithium, so I may have a few more marbles to work with upstairs in the coming weeks. I have doctor's appointments for my meds and my yearly female fun this week, so I'll address all that with them then.

But it gets me thinking...about how easy (and fun) it would be to cook a soup or light stew on the weekends for dipping into from the freezer, how salads aren't seriously complicated, how lunch doesn't have to be just sandwiches, and with just a little planning in the evenings, I can set myself up for nutrition and saving money on the midday meal. So frickin' basic, and I don't even have kids to distract me yet. Setting these habits in place now could make a world of difference down the road, regardless of whether there's small people on the scene.

Two days off this week just cuz...Saturday Mom's treating Meara and I to a half day at a local spa, that'll be nice!

Better

Made a decision this week...when I'm not in limbo (wondering if I'm PG), I'm going back on my lithium. Something's gotta be better than nothing, and I know my body. My stress level has been through the roof lately, and my happiness hasn't been an issue - it's been nonexistent. I had a very dark day yesterday, and some things became clear. It's time to get healthier. I've turned this leaf over enough times where it's embarassing to bring up, so I won't explore it beyond that here.

This weekend will bring new recipes, cleaning, organizing, relaxing, planting, and dreaming...may yours have the same!

Victory!!!

My gosh, but I'm in a good mood. Being bipolar when things go your way is neat!

So I've decided that I'm like my Uncle Mike. The family line is: tell him a joke on Thursday, he'll get it in church on Sunday. My problem's slightly more intellectual, and it's why I don't like debating. I know what my beliefs are, but when I'm asked to defend them, the Dale Carnegie and my convictions vacate the premises, leaving me stammering.

I steamed a bit yesterday as I listened to a coworker's story of how he nipped his kindergarten-aged son's Obama crush in the bud. He brought it down to the kid's level, saying "you know how you get gold stars for doing well in school? Would you want to share those with kids who hadn't worked as hard?" Your basic conservative's argument against socialism: why should I work hard and not get as rewarded, while others slack and get rewarded? I wanted to chime in, but knew I wouldn't be able to verbalize it more than with the highly erudite comeback of "well, that's a load."

I'm standing at the bathroom mirror this morning, 18 hours later, deciding on earrings and checking that my bangs are presentable, when the lightbulb hits: that kind of thinking is selfish, it's every man for himself and screw the folks who don't have my wherewithal. And I don't believe that, haven't for awhile...I'm seeing the bigger picture, wanting to leave this world better than I found it, not just for my children, but for others, and that's going to mean working not just for myself, but with the idea of how my actions will affect the country and the world.

So there.

So other than my time-lapse brain issues, I'm in such a fantastic mood today. I can't wait to get home tonight and read and play on the computer and think and dream. I bought a NY Times, a Wall Street Journal, and our local POS newspaper. I feel "Melinda-inspired"—she's the writer behind Elements in Time/One Green Generation; her website is a wonderful resource, chock full of ideas on how to live more locally and save the planet in the process. I want to go home and reorganize my planting materials so I can start my herb garden fresh. I want to dig into the dining area so that our apartment will feel livable again. I want to eat better and exercise, so I won't get winded just thinking about keeping up with small ones. I want to budget so we can move in January of 2010. I want...

But alas, must get to work so that that budgeting thing is more than just a dream...

Congratulations America! Let's get to work!

Vote!

My change from dyed-in-the-wool conservative to bleeding heart liberal was a long time coming. I was a staunch College Republican and held offices with that venerable, yet surprisingly fun bunch, because a) my parents were Republican, b) I didn't know how to think for myself yet, and c) I was in love with guy(s) who attained leadership with that crowd. 20 years ago...holy crap. When I met Les and got properly medicated (those two things were independent of one another), I changed. Started reading, started thinking, started realizing just how dangerous and narrow the "right" POV can be...I'm NOT trying to start a debate on liberalism vs. conservatism, never been a debater. This is just where I ended up, a self-proclaimed granola who wishes drilling in Alaska wasn't an option, that health care was borderline socialized, and that we'd get the hell out of the world police business.

So it was with a glad heart that I went and voted today...first time in ages I didn't feel like I was voting for the lesser of two evils. This change in me is fairly new as political changes go—I voted for Bush II in 2000, for pete's sake! But today is so important, if the tide goes our way. It sucks that the Current Occupant (as he's coined by Garrison Keillor) has screwed things up so badly, that it'll take Obama (please, gods!) his first term of office just to get sh*t under control...but oh well, take the good with the bad.

It's hard to think about things finally opening up in this country, when I'm voting for Obama on the same ballot that wants to declare marriage as one man, one woman only, in the state of Florida. We've got such a long way to go still...and I want to move to states even redder than Florida eventually. But I'm finally gaining confidence in my beliefs, and I look to the future with hope.

Happy Election Day, folks!