Something wonderful happened this week...

I'm able to listen to music again.

Sure, I've listened to music in the last 2+ years, but I haven't been able to enjoy old favorites, like Josh Groban, Enya, etc. without it shredding me inside. Dads' passing made music too beautiful to bear for some reason, and I certainly couldn't listen to my old faves at work without the danger of getting weepy...

Turned a corner last spring when Mom and I went to the Kelly Clarkson concert at Universal Mardi Gras, and it's been building ever since. When I realized I couldn't afford the iPod just yet, I dug out the old MP3 player, added some stuff, and brought it to work. Not only can I listen again without it shredding me (there are one or two notable exceptions to this, which I quickly pass over), it's making work bearable, and that I definitely need. I'm really bitter and frustrated these days.

1ww...been practicing positive thinking...the suck part is the progesterone may make my cycle late, so it's harder to determine when I should start throwing away money on pregnancy tests...

Stopping by blog on a Sunday evening...

Whose words these are, I think I know.
My brain's awake and so they flow.
You will not see me moping here,
While the work week looms and my moods swing low.

My hormone imbalance has become clear,
As my mood's actually great these days, full of cheer.
I'm motivated and energized by artificial means,
Which I'll enjoy as the end of the 2-week-wait nears.

Am I pregnant? I certainly hope so,
But if not, I'm ready to change and grow,
So the next month will bring opportunity and grace,
While I eat better, exercise,...and Starbucks...just say no.

The living room is lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And dreams of motherhood as I drift to sleep,
And dreams of motherhood as I drift to sleep.

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So glad that Garrison Keillor's stroke was minor. That man has such a gift. I may not listen to his radio show every week, but his writing inspires me and reminds me that I still have a writer inside of me. Gods, please watch over him and his family. I love to hear about his sandy-haired, gap-toothed daughter.

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Concentrating on sock #1 for xmas, but still brainstorming about other things to make...it was a homebody weekend, no funds for exploring, so helped Mom a bit yesterday, because she's moving in 2 weeks to a new apartment and next weekend, she'll attend her 50th high school reunion in CT, so time is precious...

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That Robert Frost rip-off eluded to a book I discovered earlier today...Jillian Michaels had a PBS special, of all things, on this morning plugging the book she put out earlier this year. It's got me all over it...it's about changing your metabolism in response to possible hormonal deficiencies or other health issues. The first $22 I can grab this week, I'll be buying that sucker. I can't live like this any longer; it's the key to my infertility.

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In a seriously good place, thank goodness. Really bitter about my company, how they treat us, take advantage of us, but like Dad used to say, you can stand on your head for as long as necessary to reach your dreams (OK, I'm paraphrasing, as the guy was a bit broken down by life and didn't voice his dreams as much as I do, but you get the idea...), so with 11 months left til my hopeful escape from this god-forsaken city, I'm planning a budget, starting savings accounts to get our life in order, and just overall, setting things in motion to get us there. Feels damn good.

Still surviving

Going back to work after a break is never easy...definitely helps that today's Friday.

I'm on the third tier of the "let's spawn a human inside Melanie" plan. It's giving me more energy, but I also noticed myself snapping at the Husby last night. Gotta work on that.

Random:

Looking forward to the weekend...

Looking forward to rereading MommaZen's most recent entry...reminds me that I have some mother in me even if...

When editing regular sites, I can listen to my MP3 player...when editing mods, not so much.

Christy's bridesmaid dress arrived! It's too big! I'm hoping it'll need to be altered big time by the time we hear wedding bells...she's not doing the deed until October 2010. Of course, I'm also hoping to have pushed a small human out of my loins by then, so all bets really are off.

Hard to believe I've been on the planet 40 years...thankfully, the introspection has turned and it's got me thinking about the myriad of goals I still want to reach for, instead of depressed at the time that's gone by. I have herbs to plant, cabinets to refinish, slipcovers to sew...I want Charlotte next year...I want my next birthday to be in the Blue Ridges...I want to rent a little house next year and put up real curtains...I want...

Survived

Well, I'm 40. Feels pretty OK. How unusual :)

Yesterday was nice, I'm glad I didn't try to pack too much into the day. Hanna Park was gorgeous, and thanks to back to school, nearly deserted. Goofed around in the water, got whomped by a wave and burned both knees on the floor of the sea, gathered shells, and by some miracle, Les didn't get sick from being out. It's the most basic thing, his sensitivity...the heat outside causes all your blood vessels to expand to adapt to the change, but when you're a chronic headache sufferer, that can slam you hard. We stayed out about an hour, then went home and relaxed, showered, etc. I let him nap to recoup, and I pampered...took a bubble bath and shower, painted my nails. Then we went out to dinner at PF Chang's, and I grabbed a slice to go from Cheesecake Factory - the two restaurants are across the drive from each other at St. Johns.

This morning I meandered awake and enjoyed said slice of Lemoncello cake for breakfast :)

Today will be serious laundry, a pinch of shopping, some knitting, and getting back into work mode. Tidying, puttering...I'm feeling really good.

F-F-F-F-F-F-F-ah-F-ah-For-Fort-.....

Did an online survey this morning and was quite pleased to still be able to say honestly that I was 39...I wasn't borneded until 9:56 p.m. :)

Bob Evans breakfast was delicimous...we're taking a powder before venturing out to Hanna Park for a dip and a walk...I went to sleep last night knowing that DeLeon Springs wasn't going to happen today...didn't want to expend the gas or car time. So we're going for a quick beach excursion, then back home to clean up before heading to St. Johns Town Center for wandering and dinner...

Woke up pretty ornery, but I'm rallying. Funny how these things ebb and flow...

Reading blogs has me thinking more about handmade Xmas gifts...Salt and Chocolate is making bucket bags for holding gifts...the concept is so simple and utilitarian, it's inspiring me. I may have to get back into work mode soon (:P), but my evenings are going to be spent pawing through my fabric stash and brainstorming...woman cannot live on socks alone. Besides, those suckers get boring quick. I've tucked into a new pattern for one of the pairs of Mom and MIL Xmas socks and it's coming along, but I'm feeling, more and more, the need to pull out the sewing machines and play. I have two, an old Singer my Mom gifted me that runs great, and a much newer model that the MIL gifted me that has a bobbin tension problem that can probably be remedied with a little patience and a tiny screwdriver. I want to get into small quilting projects, so I'm thinking of starting with coasters, placemats, etc.

Day before 40

Crappy dreams last night, but I'm rallying. Nice to have a couple more days off from work. Yesterday was a complete bust. I'm finding that letting those days happen, while relaxing, also feeds depression. Definitely would've been better if I'd planned it. Don't try to understand.

As I near tomorrow, some fairly mundane ideas are popping up in the ole cranium, like:

...am I finally getting too old for my cauliflower bangs (yeah, have a feeling that ship sailed years ago, but I think they look good on me, so I pretend I don't care what other people think...)?

Dragging Husby to DeLeon Springs tomorrow, I think...it's an hour and a half away, but I think it'll be worth it...72-degree swimming, maybe some tubing or kayaking, a little hiking. There's a make-your-own-pancake house on site that we may have to try just for the novelty of it. For my birthday, I'd rather be in the Blue Ridges, but it'll do.

Friday before VACAY!!

Woohoo! I appear to be rallying as the morning progresses and the latte slides into my system. There's too much work to be crammed into today, and I'm doubting my bra will last the whole workday before I pull an escape act, but the biological clock is back in action and I'm looking forward to my break. Maybe more later...

To Do:

1. Open a box or two.

2. Drag Husby to Deleon Springs on Tuesday.

3. Turn 40.

Still needs a little work...

OK

Brought my raincoat today. No need to whack me over the head with misery, I get a clue pretty quickly. We're supposed to have rain for the next week basically...the flooding was frickin' unreal yesterday, so I can only imagine what the week holds.

Definitely learning moderation though...had a glass of wine last night (yes, Irish relatives, that's one glass, singular...), and realized that was all I needed after that grueling day. Ok, yes, it was a Melanie-sized glass...we have wedding wine glasses and matching water goblets...I choose to use the water goblets as wine glasses :) but still impressive.

I'm so stressed out lately, my biological clock has hit the snooze button. This doesn't amuse me, so I'm trying to chill today. Working at my own pace, and if they balk, I'll take my lumps when they come, but I definitely need to chill. So far, it's working; I'm feeling better today, not so down...I was a moody mess when I got home last night.

The upcoming 6 days off will go by too quickly if I'm not careful, so I'm planning a day trip or two, and making some notes today of things I'd like to get accomplished. Yes, yes, I'll be relaxing too, but we Lyons' kind of have to plan our relaxing...a sad condition, but we feel so much better about ourselves afterward. Don't try to understand it, it comes from a pretty buttoned-down place.

grr...

"My shoe is off, my foot is cold, I have a bird I like to hold..."
Paraphrased from One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish by Dr. Seuss

Feet cold...I don't watch enough Weather Channel apparently, or I would've brought my trusty raincoat to work. Floridians don't swear by raincoats, believe it or not, because half the time it's too muggy to wear them comfortably, but we're short on umbrellas right now in my fam...can't believe I didn't grab it on the way out this morning.

Did lunch out during Noah's flood. Drove the Nissan through a pond at the entrance to McD's that I'm certain is the deepest I've ventured that vehicle yet. Cut through the hospital parking lot on the way back b/c I rightly assumed the drainage would be better through there. No use though, slogging through that rain with my wimpy umbrella means enjoying the rest of my workday soggy from the waist down and craving a glass of wine, a wood-burning fire, a woobie, and a good book. Thank goodness for the shawl I keep in my desk, it's saving me from air-conditioning pneumonia as I write. I'm starting to dry off, but the wet jeans odor remains. Yay.

One week til my birthday...let the midlife crisis commence! Time to find myself a 20-year old construction worker and buy a sports car. Just kidding, of course, trying not to be too pensive about the big 4-0 as it draws near...I have enough depressing me in my life lately. Work's a bitch on wheels and I'm looking forward to my break more each day.

And don't get me started....

I really kind of hope we can scare up the dough for an iPod for me...I'm starting to enjoy listening to music again (finally), and my current modes just don't fly. My old MP3 player doesn't hold a charge, and when I try to listen to an online radio station, my computer balks after a while and freezes up enough to where I have to reboot. And yes, folks, I work for a website design company. Never let it be said that a requisite for editing websites is that you need a fully functioning computer. The way this company cuts corners is really starting to irk me. Right now, the entire QC department is having trouble loading sites and saving, because the latest upgrade on our Javascript programming may not have been entirely on the up and up. And don't get me started about the pirated copy of Photoshop I have on my work computer...

If you're not already convinced that our society is a few loaves short of a bakery and that religion, organized or otherwise, is a topic that encourages a monumental level of hysterical bloviating, then I urge you to Google Phillip Garrido's blog and take a gander at the comments after his last post before being jailed. While I have no problem with him rotting in jail for his crimes, the level of vitriol displayed by that cross-section of the public is amusing at first, but quickly becomes unnerving. Makes me want to steer clear of religion altogether, and carry a slingshot for when I see folks on soapboxes. And don't get me started about those eye-for-an-eye nutjobs...

Took me forever to wind down last night, but I slept better. Finding it ironic that I'm amusing myself by rereading my Kathy Reichs books, which deal pretty heavily in death, but I'm avoiding something that could help my sleep sitch...my brand-spankin'-new copy of the Pagan Book of Living and Dying. And don't get me started on how I need to put the books down and get knitting on Christmas presents...

My baking has been failing lately...last couple of batches of cookie bars mediocre at best. Can't decide if it's the margarine I'm using or if I fudged it somehow in my hormone-induced stupor. Probably the latter...it sucks to invest the ingredients in a new recipe only to have it go south on you. The banana bars are headed for the trash tonight, I think, and I'll try something new. Since I really don't want to invest the money or floor space on a treadmill right now, I'm making a wish list in my head of kitchen supplies we could indulge in...guess I'm running out of "don't get me starteds"...can't think of one for the cooking. Besides, my beef stew went over great, and I was reminded of the ease it creates to have that kind of stuff around when I prepped my ridiculously simple lunch this morning...

I'm taking Tuesday through Thursday off next week...would've tried for the whole week, but didn't have the PTO. Nothing planned really, will depend on cash flow the next week. My pay decrease starts this next check...yay. I'm going to drag us out to some state parks, just haven't scoped stuff on the web in a week. I'm ready for this break. I need a recharge badly; my apathy is pretty high lately.

So much for good mood...

I don't mean to sound whiny, but I'm really tired of my dad being dead.

Woke up at 3:45 this morning from a variant on a recurring dream where he's alive, but his life is in eminent jeopardy. His potassium is through the roof and his heart is going to give out. This isn't what killed him, but it was a symptom...he had another aortic dissection and since they couldn't operate, his body filled up with toxins and shut down piece by piece. Lovely to witness, let me tellya...nah, actually I'll pass.

So normally on a "school night," if I wake up mid of night, I don't turn on the tube, because I want to be able to fall back asleep right away, but last night I wanted to get the dream images out of my head. That was a dismal failure and it took more than an hour to get back to sleep. Not too tired today, just feeling sad.

Last day of August...I really hope Florida gets an autumn this year; I could use it. Regardless, I think we need another camping trip...Husby was mentioning wanting to be back at our cabin at Lake Hartwell :)

Just a blog readin' fool...

Added some more blogs to the right side of this sucker...I use my front page to satisfy my carnal need to live vicariously through others, especially those with small humans in their fams.

It's been a good weekend. Just have to remind myself that I have a vaca coming up, and I should be able to make it through this week without killing anyone. Kitchen's clean, made a rather yummy beef stew today, plus zucchini bread for snacking this week. Market was fun yesterday, though I came home smelling like dog because it was National Dog Day and boy, were the dogs out! Mom treated me to new earrings, and I got some fresh catnip, all from Karen at Natural Solutions, a local and very dear vendor. Having trouble relaxing, but I'm going into my "get into work mode" phase of Sunday night in a good mood, which is nice.

Seriously restless...

Don't these work people realize I have crafty stuff to do? Christmas socks to knit n' stuff.....recently decided that both mothers are getting socks this xmas.....i'm clearly insane.....

Yeah, like I'd get anything accomplished, wired as I am...

Estrogen is a blast...one little milligram of energy. The good news is the lower dose doesn't give me headaches. The bad news is my concentration's for shit at work, and I can't sit still.

So Lil Sis made a crack awhile back that instead of investing fairly serious money in another Vera Bradley (mmmmmm............mailbag........caffe latte...........), I should get crafty and make my own. After looking at the varied work that's sold on Etsy, I'm starting to agree. Some stuff is really beautiful and obviously was made with pride, and some...not so much. Why buy another person's bag when I could plan what I actually want and make my own? Sure, it'll take time and there will be failures and difficulties attached, but the end result could be quite satisfying too.....my wheels are turning....

Wednesday wanderings

Nothing too exciting to report...work is boring, can't decide what to do for lunch. Enjoyed a bottle of wine last night, so prepping lunch just wasn't going to happen this morning, but surprisingly, woke up with no headache or ill effects, so actually the no lunch can be blamed on laziness. Still, I'm definitely reaching a point where I just don't need the booze anymore...doesn't hold my interest or something. Weird.

Made homemade pizza last night, if you can call it that...we're talking Pillsbury Pizza dough in a can, Ragu, and cheese and bacon. Not half bad for my first try. Really got me thinking...want to try Publix pizza dough next, and make and freeze meatballs on a weekend. Came home and told Husby the first appliances we'll buy next year are a washer and dryer, but the 2nd appliance we'll buy is a freezer. I really want to be able to stock up and store food more, and our microfreezer just doesn't cut it. Can't even really fill the sucker, because the fridge is so old, it shuts down if you block certain vents or something...it's a blast.

Clomid may focus me, but estrogen wires me out...can't sit still at work, which is fine, because I'm in a cube so hardly anyone sees me, but still...wish I could use this energy toward something other than helping people advertise crap.

Sad about Ted Kennedy...Republicans may be dancing on his grave, but we liberals have lost a true leader and fixture in the party. A great man went quietly last night, leaving a truly inspiring legacy of government aid and progress for others to learn from and take up the mantle...

Food for thought

I still talk a good game and then indulge in way too much junk food...one of my only occasional weaknesses is Snack Packs. Just can't duplicate that yumminess anywhere else. But I'm definitely drinking the natural life Kool-Aid, because it dawned on me while indulging this afternoon, that:

(setting aside the probable horrific nutritional information and the fact that they're individually packaged in plastic cups...that should be reason enough to steer clear...)

Nothing that claims to have real milk in its ingredients has any business having a shelf life of at least 16 months.....seriously.....the expiration date was Dec 2010!

What the frick do they put in there to get that shelf life?! I don't wanna know. What I do want is to stop making those impulse purchases. It's possible. Didn't buy boxed cookie dough the other day, because I knew I could make better and at least then I'd know what went into it. And making the change to less packaging isn't that hard...I do it already, using reusable plastics for sandwiches and stuff, and wax paper....and I've been bypassing the canned fruit for fresh lately. Husby's teeth dictate keeping more soft stuff around, but there's certainly ways to find that stuff without it being individually sized. Our culture of convenience is killing the planet. Gonna brainstorm about getting back to recycling this weekend...

Tuesday through new glasses

Wore the new specs to work today. How the frick do people wear glasses all day? Can't imagine it...I mean, my eyes are thanking me and enjoying the change, but I'll be surprised if I last the whole day. That said, astigmatic contacts take some getting used to...realizing I'm still struggling a bit with the contacts, because the glasses feel great, in spite of their inconvenience. It's the prescription, the difference between wearing it as a contact lens versus the glasses. Contacts themselves are fine, both eyes in Oasis™, thank goodness...but it's just...different. Not amused at all that my eyes decided to turn 40 a whole month early, but since I can't do anything about it, I'll shed the animosity over the sitch pretty quickly.

Hormone therapy kind of blows...Clomid gives me energy, but Estradiol gives me headaches and makes me ornery, and Prometrium provides the sharp tongue. It's a blast.

Kitchen's gotten bad again, but Melanie on estrogen just wasn't having any of it last night. Hopefully I'll rally a bit tonight. Thinking of trying homemade pizza for dinner....and I need to make zucchini bread before the veggies go south on me. Laundry night too. Yay.

Short and sweet

Yeah, right, like my posts ever end up that way....

Nice weekend. Farmer's market wander with Mom. Saturday nap gave me the grumpies, Sunday nap didn't...usually it's the other way around. Found the top of my dining room table again. Planning a beef stew this week and some baking. Nice to have a fully stocked pantry.

Starting to look forward to my birthday....

I'm slowly getting my husband back. The fog from the blasted Cymbalta is lifting, and in its place is this engaged, chatty guy I'd forgotten was under there. He's delighted that he doesn't feel the need to nap as much. Gotta get used to him being awake again :)

Hey, whaddaya know, this one is short and sweet.

Patience

This week's trudging along...I'm enjoying the heck out of SouleMama's Savoring Summer series. I'm barely noticing the season passing me by, and that happens quite a bit in Florida, because it sometimes seems like it's always hot here, so you don't appreciate it nearly so much as say, someone living in Maine who's had an exceptionally rainy summer so far. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't be taking time out to stop, smell the sea air, and get a little dirty. I'm thinking it's foolhardy to hit Universal Orlando on Labor Day weekend...we'd spend the whole time waiting in lines, which would blow significantly. But if we stay home while I'm off work that week, we're taking some day trips. State parks, the beach, something...

Poor Husby is weaning off one medication before starting another, so he's under the weather. May not have the heart to drag him to the movies this weekend, we'll see.

I ache with boredom at work lately, which gets me restless, that "I'm wasting my life" feeling. But what do I actually want to do, ah, there's the question...do I want to find a different job in my field in Charlotte, if I'm going to be just as bored there? Do I have a choice, given our sitch? Can't move up there unless I'm making at least what I'm making now...so much for living in the present. But it's important to address these issues now, when the move's still a ways off, especially when we're trying to add a small person to the mix. It's going to mean significant juggling/organization. Maybe I should stay the hell home that week I'm off and get organized. Yeah, it could happen...

In the meantime, farmer's market to look forward to, and a weekend of a little cleaning, a little knitting, a little laundry, a little reading, and a lot of helping Husby feel better. Life is good.

So...

The useless, waste of space that occupies the role of my brother-in-law got 5 years' probation for dodging child support for 3 years. I don't know much more than that, but I'm thinking the following things.....remember, this is South Carolina.....:

1) We can't assume they'll put him on a schedule to make him pay the back child support.
2) We can't assume they'll put him on a schedule to pay the current child support.
3) We can't assume he won't be able to talk his way out of positive drug tests, because he's managed to convince doctors in the past that he needs certain medications.
4) We can assume that between the probation fees and the child support, the chances of them moving out of my inlaw's house just decreased dramatically.

And we won't discuss how my sisinlaw won't get the help she needs, because the rest of the family would rather be manipulated than rock the boat.

I really hope they wonder why we haven't visited as much this year. It ain't just because of the gas prices; I mean, heck, compared to last year, the gas has remained pretty stable. Can't think about it beyond this, it's too depressing...