Illumination

Swear to god, if I turn over a new leaf one more time, I may as well sprout roots and branches too!

Ready for some stream of consciousness?

I started waking up around 10:30 a.m. this morning. I physically woke up at 7:00 a.m., threw on the tube to glance the weather and ended up watching an old SVU on USA (the channels are right next to each other....I swear! Yea, that's bullshit; it's April in Florida, like I don't know the weather's going to be 80s with a chance of rain...). I know I should kill the tube altogether in the mornings, but these things take time, and there are worse ways to start your day than with Chris Meloni and Mariska Hargitay (sigh.....one of the most awesome partnerships in the TV drama category)...but I digress with rationalization...so I make my 6 cups of coffee (and no, that's not an exaggeration...I fill with water to the 6 line and pour it into a vat disguised as a travel mug for work) WITH sugar and milk (shall we take a moment to discuss the lactose and 96 empty calories of pure cane I'm pouring into my body with the caffeine? I think not...)...and I toast a couple of lowfat Eggos, which I slather with PB & J. It's a good breakfast that has plenty wrong with it. The lowfat is an accident, a hand-me-down from cleaning out my mom's freezer...I usually get the full fat, whole wheat Eggos. The PB is standard JIF, the jelly is fairly natural, no HFCS, but still, more sugar, and I do take issue with the Eggos too, b/c I'd love to make my own from scratch and freeze 'em, but we haven't indulged in the waffle iron yet (yea, big indulgence, frickin' $10 at evil big box store)....digressing again....so I head to work with no lunch packed, because SVU was shaking out the brain cobwebs instead of yoga or lunch prep this morning, and I hit the computer cube with a dull headache, minor leftover body aches, and a knee braced but on the mend, thanks to the dry heat I put on it last night. The dull headache is likely a blood sugar and candida thing, thanks to the brownie I indulged in too close to bedtime last night. I plan to pop some Advil to take the edge off and keep the knee inflammation at bay.....and discover that idea's trashed, because the zipper of the pocket of my purse holding said Advil has jammed and is holding everything in that pocket hostage. I down breakfast in front of the computer (another could-be-better in the eating behavior department) and chase it with a Sobe Life Water, which uses Stevia and may get more investigation, because it wasn't bad and I think the ginseng gave me a boost the missing Advil couldn't, and I had another allergic reaction to diet soda recently, so I need more options if I'm going to trim the sweet liquid carbs. And I sit at my computer and wish I felt better, and realize that how I feel is entirely in my control IF I'D JUST ADJUST MY LIFESTYLE...and I crack open Mark's Daily Apple and some other health coach blogs for more ideas to steal, more ways to teach myself I'm worth the effort...and around 10:30 a.m., I notice I'm finally waking up and I momentarily fool myself into thinking that I didn't need the Advil after all, that it's mind over matter combined with Sobe and the strength I'm developing to drink water instead of soda the rest of the day, and then I remember the 6 cups of coffee I'm mainlining, that most of my rally is just a caffeine boost that will result in a caffeine crash later and a serious carb crave, which I'd normally indulge, and I wonder how the hell I'm going to make it through the afternoon.......

Several factors contributing to this latest AHA mo.....my right knee going to hell on me was a biggie. The damn thing got progressively stiffer as the weekend wore on and started to swell on the outside. Didn't think I was doing a whole lot of bending and lifting, but I was on my feet and working hard for large chunks of both days this weekend....so the knee thing is like my body clearing its throat and saying "...umm...you do remember that you have arthritis, right?"

My brain could easily short-circuit over this, because it brings conflicting arguments to the forefront of my thinking...like how losing weight could help greatly by easing the weight landing on my joints, but how in the hell do you exercise when the lack of cartilage in your knees makes them weaker and more prone to injury, never mind the residual aches/stiffness/decreased mobility that come from exercise when you have arthritis. I fear doing more damage to myself by not being educated well enough in physiology, but I'm too frugal and stubborn to go back to PT or an orthopedist. The aches/stiffness/decreased mobility...that's a non-argument; that's a "suck it up, Melanie" mo. But I can't not exercise certainly, so I'm educating myself in the best ways I can, by picking the brains of the exercise consultants at the Y, sticking to low-impact cardio, and trolling the Internet and culling the good advice from the bad.

And I'm finally (FINALLYFUCKINGFINALLY) realizing how very much my food intake needs to change.

The research is the hardest...that's where deciding I'm worth the effort comes in. I used to think Dr. Dean Ornish's recommendations were extreme, until I started reading about Primal/Paleo. Primal sounds like Atkins on organics, and I put zero stock in the effectiveness of Atkins in the long run, but Paleo living tries for a more well-rounded approach. Minor digression: after this weekend though, I think I'm over the minimalist footwear urge; there are certain things that are out of my reach, thanks to my body type, so I'll accept that...and write down the date of this blog post so I can look it up in my archives when I need reminding, because I do NOT learn lessons easily. I'm instead looking forward to my new sneakers arriving, and thinking of investing in a pair of Dr. Scholl's orthotics, because unfortunately, the WalkFit's that Husby got me recently just aren't right for my foot type and have been causing me pain. They also suck for comfort when you're not wearing socks, and the weather has brought me back to no-sock wearing, big time. I still have my custom orthotics too; they're showing their age a bit, but still functional, thank goodness...b/c I don't want to hit the podiatrist again until after we move either...

They say that finding the diet plan/lifestyle change that's right for you is key. But how do you find what's right for you when you're pushing toward healthy from a lifestyle that embraces inhaling Junior Mints by the box and grazing until you're uncomfortable? Cold turkey changes may be best for me, to shock the bad carbs out of my system initially, but I need to make REALLY sure I'm prepared for that food-wise, because it's too damn easy to throw some pasta on to boil or inhale a box of mac when I'm at loose ends.

Headache still lingering...grabbing Chipotle and Aleve for lunch. More planning and research this afternoon.

Image from here.

Moving Monday

Whew! Mom's on her way.

The days run together when you're negotiating a move, even more so I think, when the move isn't yours. I know I went over to Mom's after work on Wednesday for some reason and after work Thursday for some reason, and then there was the retirement party at her work on Friday. We got the evening off after that, because Meara had come into town and there wasn't much to get started on just then. I'm glad for that time off, because the next two days ran together pretty fiercely. My body just isn't used to that level of physical labor and it was yet another delightful wake-up call. Couple that with receiving my blood work back from the lab and seeing in black and white the areas where I need to improve my health, and I'm looking on things with new eyes, as soon as they stop crossing from all the activity, that is.

The retirement party was delightful; she was totally surprised! She was expecting Meara to be there, but certainly not me, Les, and Cyril; and there was cake, punch, and a lovely pass-the-hat gift from her gang.

We packed Saturday and Sunday, gathering up loose ends, consolidating, recognizing that point where stuff needs to go into a box and you're quickly running out of boxes, so you improvise...good practice for something that could be here before I know it. I got a teeny nibble from one of my first potential employment searches last week; we'll see how it pans out. Meantime, my right knee is a mess, the apartment is a disaster as usual, and it's finally time to look forward to our own move for real. If I can just remember to breathe...

Image from here.

Rambling Tuesday

I think, if we ever renew our vows, I will carry a bouquet of chamomile flowers and lavender.

And now, on to other seemingly random topics...

Bringing a bookshelf and 1 box up from the car after working at Mom's Sunday, seems to have given our apartment the final shove into horrendously cluttered. I could've left the bookshelf for Mom to move up, but why make her store it, just because we don't have the room? She's already moving the drill press up for us, gods bless her, so that we won't have to; we'll take possession of that (and likely, Dad's rolling tool chest) once we move to Charlotte too. But it's good that we have that bookshelf...it's a symbol of sorts. It's a small one, will be perfect for a stash of books in a bedroom, like my knitting or pagan stuff. We'll need to buy at least 3 or 4 good-sized bookcases when we move, so it's also a symbol reminding me of some of what we're moving toward.

The box was an unexpected goldmine...I thought Les would find the slide projector neat, but his face lit up as he explored the original steam tables and slide rules that Dad had, some of which were probably handed down from Poppy and thus date in the early-mid 20th century. Dad learned engineering practically before calculators, and he wasn't as book smart as he wanted to be, so he had all kinds of tools for calculating the nitty-gritty of pump equipment functions (Dad worked in the pulp and paper industry). I'd also forgotten Mom did secretarial work for Poppy too, back in the day...found a letter requesting several copies of a particular table that she'd typed for him.

We discovered a leak under the kitchen sink on Saturday. Wasn't a surprise, just a nasty inconvenience, complete with standing water and probably more than a little mold. We've lived in that godawful apartment for 12 years now; we've been through several management companies in that time who exercise various levels of maintenance, and it's falling apart at the seams. By some miracle, the guy who came to assess the craptastic situation under the sink (the last guy thought jerry-rigging ill-fitting pipes and adding duct tape would do the job)...REPLACED the garbage disposal and all the pipes and said he'd be back today with fresh wood for where the old has basically rotted away in the cabinet. After we were revived from the shock of actual maintenance occurring, we took turns using the garbage disposal, as it's been years since that sucker's been functional. I'm not a huge fan of disposals, would rather have a compost heap; but for city life, it'll do.

Thinking of boxing up the PS2 again...pretty sure I can do other things in the time suckage that I've been indulging in with that thing...

We're working our way back to eating at home...I'm making a broccoli-cauliflower souffle tonight to use the organic stuff that's been languishing in our crisper for the better part of a month. I'm determined to keep the savings account money where it is, but have a feeling that little things, like getting my bangs cleaned up, may snitch a bit from it down the road. Plus, Les's birthday is coming up, but I'd already planned on throwing cash into dinner at a crab house for him. No clue what to get him, present-wise yet...

If this post is any indication, I'm having trouble with attention span at work again...they put me back in QC, so my mind wanders, but it has the feeling of a good week here. I'll get back to the Y tomorrow night. I'm trying to make lists. I'm testing different postures and walking barefoot a bit on purpose, seeing how my body reacts, which brings small sorenesses that I think will prove helpful down the road.

Image from here.

The good news is...

I stayed outta the not-quite-there place this weekend.

Not quite sure how it happened either...just made a pinch of effort to remain present. I stopped work a bit early on Friday, because I could tell my brain had shut down. Then I got a full 8 hours of sleep before hitting the OT on Saturday, and didn't have to go to Mom's until Sunday, so somewhere in there, I managed to relax. And the work we did Sunday at her place was good, got my muscles waking up and saying, "what the hell...?!" So that this morning, I was sore, but good sore, and I'm in a good place going into this week. Getting some doc appts taken care of this week, will hit the Y a couple of times, and I'm researching minimalist footwear (like Vibram Five Fingers, but not so pricey), seeing if it's even feasible for flat-footed folks like myself. Yes, I know I should get a podiatrist's opinion; we'll see how it goes.

My brain is shooting ahead once again, thinking of organizing and the move. I managed to acquire a few more items from Mom's (I swear I'm not a hoarder!)...so it's really time to figure out what's staying and what's going...Mom moves next Monday, and this year's picking up speed.

Read a disgusting article about what goes into fast food french fries and I think I'm FINALLY off fast food. There are 2 exceptions: Chipotle and Five Guys, and Five Guys is only going to be for when I'm really craving red meat. Hey, it's a start! Meantime, we def have to start eating at home more again. I placed a nice chunk of the latest paycheck right into savings, and I'm going to see how well we do on what we used to live on.

Trying to plow thru library books, but keep getting distracted by Jenna's Chick Days. That's a good thing; it's a delightful beginner's look at raising chickens, and a different take than Ashley's Keeping Chickens, so that I'll be happy having both of these on my shelf someday and not feel like there are redundancies.

Image from here.

Taking Stock

I'm actually making myself post, which is funny when you consider the 6½ people who read this blog ain't exactly on tenterhooks waiting for my next illumination. But usually I don't need a reason to post, I just talk. Not so today. My brain is somewhere between me and not today, and if I'm not careful, I will slip back into the lost place where I was last week, which I don't really want, in spite of the OT crowding in on my free time. I want the OT, but I don't want to lose me in the process, so I need to be a bit more attentive. And this whole paragraph probably ain't supposed to make sense to outside readers. Just have too much going on inside my head...working extra tonight, tomorrow, and Saturday; helping Mom pack up her place; wishing the move was past already while simultaneously not wanting her to leave; worrying about the time that is slipping away from us (Les and I) while we (read: I, because I take on the whole silly thing in my head) don't do enough to plan for our own move.....really need to turn off that part of my brain until April 25th.

Click!

Outside: I live in a tropical paradise. It would be bad form to whine. Actually, I am embracing it and trying to get outside just a pinch more (she said begrudgingly, lest anyone get the idea she likes it here). Gotta start wearing sunscreen, I'm going to get that driver's tan on my left arm. Plus my Irish skin practically stings from the first hard rays of a Florida spring...and don't get me started about the sunspots on my face.

Inside: One of the irritants of my work environment is moving to another department. Relief. Now to shut up his coworker...

Wearing: Loose clothes, stretchy pants and new pink top, because my jeans weren't dry yet and the washer ruined my old pair, so I'm down to one again (thank the gods for OT $$$)...

Reading: Better Off (a real thinker)...and I should get Jenna's books today or tomorrow! C'mon, UPS man!

Creating: Nada...but gods bless establishments giving out coupons nowadays to reel you in...Lowe's just sent a $10 gift card, which may go toward my much-needed greenhouse rack for the porch this weekend, if I'm possibly able to give any time to ME, that is...

Going: Work, Mom's, repeat...

Hoping: see paragraph #1.

Image from here.

Just a Hi!

That last picture was starting to depress me. I'm buried in OT and workouts lately, but wanted something new here. Will take stock later this week...

Pretty sure this pic is like, my dream office...usually not so into white, but all the organizational STUFF! Oh my! And that chair and those baskets and.....

Image from here.

Taking Stock

Yea, OK, so I'm still in a mood. It's half hormones and half realizing I really need to kick the move plans into gear, but can't because my spare time lately is either at work, helping Mom with her move, or engaging in a brown stare in front of the idiot box playing mah jong.....something's gotta give soon.

Outside: Cranking up to low 90s this weekend. I'm ready for it, but doesn't mean I have to be happy about it.

Inside: I'm still writing copy instead of editing it. Try being original in your prose after your fifth contracting site in a row and lemme know how it turns out...

Wearing: jeans and favorite shirt...no earrings...that's not normal, but nothing I own matched my mood today...

Reading: Twelve by Twelve and Better Off...sometimes I really love our library. Also this publication and this Hobby Farms, and waiting on the UPS truck to deliver Made from Scratch and Chick Days :)
Jenna planted a seed of thought in our heads earlier this week, about writing down your farm dream. It's encouraging some interesting thoughts about what I want, what I'd compromise on, and how I really oughta share all these thoughts with the husband ;) And how I want all 4 of Ashley's books for my next birthday, if I don't win them from Cold Antler, that is...

Creating: it's been a meh week in that department.

Going: 4 hours of OT tomorrow, then Mom's to pack most of her belongings...she moves in 2 weeks.

Hoping: I can get some good exercise in that packing and dig outta this latest rut.

Image from here.

Perspective

"Many women would trade a year of life to be thin."

~ Headline in today's teaser section of MSNBC.com's Health

I spent a whopping 2 seconds thinking how asinine that header is, before it dawned on me that since it will take a year for me to get back down to what I would consider "fighting weight," that I basically am trading a year of my life in order to be healthy. And when I think of how many years I've already wasted at this weight.....well, let's just say I'm back in a healthy frame of mind.

Part of it is the shame of going to my annual cardiology check next week weighing exactly the same as I did last year. Part of it is doing a little research about what I normally consume at Zaxby's and discovering that I probably should've already enjoyed my first heart attack (dear god, the calories and sodium!!!). Part of it is spending the last 3 days retaining water like a sponge, because god forbid I alter my diet for the better when the PMS rolls around. Whatever the reasons, this morning dawned a more positive outlook and I packed my gym bag for after work today.

And while the very idea makes me ache and fear for our prospects as parents, I think I need to chill on the idea of baby making until we're moved. I don't give a damn how good the anti-discrimination laws are; interviewing with a belly has got to lower your odds. And if my PMS is teaching me anything, it's that I'm a little nutty when the hormones are in flux. Can. Not. Imagine how I'd be, negotiating a move out of state and new job while lugging a belly. I always talk about knowing my limitations; it's time to give this to the gods for just a tiny while longer. If it's meant to be...

Taking Stock

Dang. It wasn't even a week, but it kicked my arse. I took Monday off to decompress from the SC weekend, but since they've been offering unlimited OT at my work, I wanted to make up that day, because the only way you earn OT is by working 40 regular hours first. That meant 10-hour days all week. I haven't been to the Y in about 2 weeks, and my diet is for shit. I'm feeling the difference and will hit the Y tomorrow morning before heading over to Mom's.

All I could do was plow forward. Is it because I'm older? The brainpan missing the lithium when I strain like that? All I know is I would get home at the end of the day and want to crawl into the sack. I did center in the evenings a bit by knitting on Cozy, but the rest of the time it was a brown stare in front of the tube and early to bed. And the question becomes, would it have been any different if we hadn't gone to SC, if I had had the weekend to prep food (lunches and dinners for the week) and myself better for the busyness? And I know the answer, and it pisses me off, because I have it in me to be that person and all too often, I sell myself way short instead.

Tomorrow I'll hit the Y, then head to Mom's after a shower, so we can look at her place and do some assessing...she moves to Charlotte in 23 days (the lucky little...ehem...). Her place is small and will be fairly easy to pack, but she's so ready she'd walk up there if she could leave early...I can relate. April means we're 6 months out from our own move, and I need to start some planning. But not today...today I'm just getting my head back on straight. Then tomorrow evening, dinner with Mom, Lil Bro, the wife, and the nephew...will be great to see the blond stringbean again, and I'm looking forward to picking Lil Bro's brain about muscle confusion exercising.

Outside: pleasant, getting stupid warm again tho'...

Inside: meh...cool, dark, fairly unlivable...

Wearing: PJs cuz I'm lazy...

Reading: Farmer Jane and Peanuts mainly...

Creating: Cozy! Something about having to do 8 rows at a time gives me focus...

Going: see last paragraph...

Hoping: I can get a pinch more OT next week and get clearer in my head. I'll start meditation and yoga again this week, and get to the Y at least 3 times. It's a necessity. I miss it.

Image from here.

Random...

May take stock in another day or two....just too slammed these days. Making up my hours from taking Monday off, so I can take advantage of OT, and they've got me copywriting, which is a grueling existence for someone who's spent the better part of the last 7 years correcting other people's mistakes rather than writing her own......


That said...

Irony is reading Farmer Jane (or Michael Pollan's Food Rules, for that matter) while hoovering a Big Mac and fries on your lunch break.

How can you loathe the US food industry as much as I do and still eat the garbage they churn out?

Because I'm slammed for time and because it's there are SUCH shitty excuses.

Getting really tired of choking on my own hypocrisy...

Dig it

"Zen isn’t cleaning up your house so you have a calm and orderly mind. Zen is cleaning up your mind so you have a calm and orderly house."

~ Karen Maezen Miller

Says. it. all.

3 Days

3 solid days without plugging in...well, that's not entirely a pure statement, there was plenty of TV on. The damn thing needs to be on whenever the niece is awake. But it's hard to count Wonder Pets and Dino Dan as plugging in when you're an adult. And I never went on the computer.

My inlaws upgraded to something other than dial-up awhile back, so I could've gone on rather easily. The computer is in the master bedroom, but that's an area that gets some traffic, and they wouldn't have minded one bit if I'd asked to go on. I simply had no need to while I was there.

I finished Farm City and started Hay Fever. Knit 8 rows on Cozy. It was rainy while we were there, but I got some fresh air. I played with the niece as much as I could tolerate (her parents let her stay up til 10 p.m......she's 4. Beautiful kid, but by the end of the day, you're exhausted) and we just visited. Husby's Lil Sis came on Sunday and we hung out a bit. I listened to Grandma; she goes on these tangents about the past, but she's still seriously sharp at 90. There were no huge blow-ups, but I did have to step outside once to rein in my tongue.

I abandoned any thoughts of going to work today and crashed after unpacking. Glad I did, feels like I'm still catching up, even though I sleep well while I'm up there...they have leather couches on Grandma's floor that are great for sleeping. But there's nothin' like your own bed. Tonight will be quiet, filled with reading, primping, and getting in work mode in my head. I'll make lunch tonight for tomorrow. Could've been worse, could've been better, glad to be home. Where the hell's our pizza?

Image from here.

Taking Stock

How is it midweek again already? Not quite out of that slump, it appears...the days are still running together; I could be eating better, and my wind-down time in the evenings is not spent knitting or reading or thinking, but rather playing Mah Jong on the PS2 until I'm too tired to see straight.

We're heading to the wilds of South Carolina to visit the inlaws, a trip that brings feelings of anticipatory trepidation. It's a pressure cooker there, and I hold my tongue as well as I can. We're there to visit, but we become de facto babysitters. It's one of those "of course, I want to play with my niece, but has anyone told you you're a fucking useless parent...." situations. Heh, so much for my promise to hold my tongue about them on this blog. I sincerely hope I can sneak off Sunday morning for a quick hike in Hitchcock Woods, or at least a walk around the neighborhood. Should be warm, but pleasant, and I ache to spend time outdoors. Keeps the claustrophobia at bay, and gives the niece fresh air. I also ache to be able to drive further north on a hunting mission...will be dropping hints that future visits this year will be stopovers on our way to Charlotte to educate ourselves on laying down new roots there.

Outside: starting to sweat more...bought a new sun shade for the car...will only pack one sweater for the evenings up in SC...

Inside: It's my 2nd straight day of copywriting. It was a friendly, non-negotiable order. Copywriters do NOT get paid well enough at my company, and the justification of our assembly-line system pales in its strengths against our back-breakingly heavy present queues. I pray the queues are high enough for QC OT next week. That money's been a godsend.

Wearing: jeans, blue sneaks, gray top...pretty slouchy look for me, but it's my Friday, so I had trouble mustering fashion enthusiasm...besides, we need to do laundry.

Creating: um, yea, what was the question? Haven't touched anything this week, but will bring at least a sock and Cozy up to SC...

Reading: Farm City by Novella Carpenter. Will bring a couple of other library gems up to SC as well for distraction purposes. And my Buddhist mags for centering.

Going: see second paragraph...

Hoping: I don't tell anyone to grow the fuck up this weekend and take responsibility for their own fucking lives and the lives of their children.

Breathe in.....breathe out.....

Image from here.

Just Gotta Say.....

Steered clear of Starbucks on lunch break. Enjoyed an Amy's frozen meal in the sunshine outside. It's rather criminally beautiful out today; hate going back in. Not going to grab a Coke unless I'm seriously falling asleep at the keyboard later. Feeling so strong and determined! Water bottle full, and my cup runneth over...

I understand the draw of the instant gratification of sweets, and how it's compounded by our food industry helping create a metabolic disorder in my system, which then craves said sweets. So why am I able to make good, smart choices on some days and not on others? How much can be blamed on lack of willpower and how much on the addictions that I've initiated with my poor lifestyle choices? They've literally done studies that show that people eat junk food now because their brains are telling them to, because to not eat it would be depriving yourself of something. But then there's days like today, when I'm able to see that I don't need the extra calories of a frappuccino, that drinking water will be so much better for me than carbonated corn syrup, and that dessert tonight WILL be organic vanilla yogurt instead of peppermint patties (and that if I do that enough times, the "need" for dessert will evaporate as well). So maybe it's time to stop using the brain chemistry thing as an excuse, and own up to the fact that I do have the willpower within me, that I do recognize good choices vs. bad ones, so that the next time I'm facing the door of the Starbucks or the candy aisle, I'll be able to say NO. You want something like that for a treat? Drop 100 pounds first, and we'll talk.

Yet Another Rally

It's ridiculous how quickly I go to seed. I've only been putting in an extra 6 to 10 hours a week at work, but between junk food and feeling scattered, I let a week go by between Y visits and my diet is abysmal again. Slept 8 dream-filled hours last night, and still looked tired in the mirror this morning.

The good news is I'm rallying. Went to the grocery store last night for a couple of things, and ended up throwing down a benjamin on mostly healthy fare. Veggies from the organic section, some salad greens, Stonyfield yogurt for dessert in the evenings instead of the godawful grazing I've been doing. Enjoyed sticker shock with the organics, but couldn't bring myself to even look at the pesticide-riddled cauliflower. Also, zucchini was on sale, but it looked lousy, and why shouldn't it? It's out of season, and what's in front of me was shipped from a hothouse in California. Not worth it...

Was thinking ahead too; we're visiting the inlaws this weekend, and their pantry is so foreign to me that I'm usually at loose ends finding food that I like. Thinking of bringing some of my own stuff up this time, so I'm not surviving on junk. They're well-rounded eaters, but the lifespan of the fridge items can be questionable.

Brought my lunch today, and planning to stay away from Starbucks; and I'm hitting the Y tonight. Been reading about the Paleo diet...interesting stuff, as a whole not for me, sounds like Atkins with organics...but I take what works for me from it, and it's got me tweaking my exercise regimen again, shorter exercise periods, more intense, interval training. I dig the concept of those Vibram Five Fingers shoes too, but I won't invest in those until I consult a podiatrist; with my flat feet, it could make my legs much stronger or make my knee arthritis much worse.

I'm not sure how I feel about gluten and dairy. I'm one of those folks who actually enjoys a glass of cow's milk, like the flavor, makes me feel strong...there's an emotional attachment, probably because I was allergic to it for the first 12 years of my life...it made me cough, which can be attributed to mucus buildup, which begs the question of whether or not I "grew" out of that allergy or just became used to its side effects. I don't have a lot of hay fever-like symptoms as an adult, thank goodness, but your average health coach would still recommend a decrease, I'm betting. I'm laying off the cheeses for now, sticking to yogurts (for the probiotics) and milk. But it's got me researching more about inflammation of the tissues, because while I bear zero symptoms of celiac or other intestinal issues, the fact remains that I've slowed my metabolism down considerably with my years of crappy diet. It's my hope that I can substitute enough bad with good to make a difference.

It's cranking into the mid-80s in FL, which means dressing lighter and actually shaving occasionally ;) I ache to get my hands in the dirt, but I really don't know if it's worth the investment right now. Anything I plant indoors would need to be sequestered from the cat, and anything I plant outdoors would need to be sequestered from the ducks. May be finally time to invest in a mini greenhouse with shelving, because I don't think I can go through this spring without planting. If you'll excuse me, I need to go hit the Home Depot/Lowe's websites.

Image from here.

Taking Stock

Erin go bragh and slainte! Rather than focus on a saint who likely is credited with chasing the pagans out of Ireland, I just enjoy celebrating St. Patrick's Day "because I'm friggin' Irish, dang it!" I remember Dad wistfully today; he was very proud of his Irish heritage. Pretty sure he was 100%, while Mom's a mix of Mic, Brit, and German. Besides, I'm living proof that St. Pat didn't succeed, so the heck with him.

I've been kind of out of it the last 2 weeks or so. Rather than delve deeply into the causes, I'm going to just concentrate on digging myself out. Can't blame it all on Alli, though there's definitely been some deep thought occurring as a result of her passing. But it's also Springtime and apartment clutter and fear and a mishmash of other emotions, combined with OT, scattering my brain. So enough already!

We need the OT. It's damn sweet having the dough to buy little things and still get the bills paid. It's sweet having a savings account with actual money in it. So in spite of Husby's grumbling, I grab at it greedily. It can only help us down the road, and it won't always be there. He only grumbles out of guilt anyway, and because he misses me when I'm not at home, so his heart's in the right place, even if his head won't let him be as productive as I. Even though this week it requires more work, requires me to brush up on my copywriting...I'm looking at that as an opportunity, because lord knows I need to stay fresh in that arena; as it's where I'll be focusing my initial job searches in Charlotte. It just figures that when my company is FINALLY in a position of strength, that I'm positioning to get the hell out. Timing is everything to Murphy.

So my weekend will be truncated by work, but I refuse to let it slam me down. I haven't been doing yoga at home yet, but I wasn't as sore this week after my weight training, so I only took one day off, going back to Y tonight. It's in my head though, the yoga, some meditation, some assessment of our surroundings, rather than just tearing into it like a whirling dervish. We still have plenty of time, so I may as well stay organized. Yes, I am a Virgo, why do you ask?

Outside: it's Florida again, 40s in the evenings if we're lucky, 70s to 80s during the day. It's impossible to stay grumpy about the weather when you live in paradise, but I still resent the hell out of it sometimes.....like this weekend, when I'll be sweating water weight while Mom and Lil Sis gallavant around Charlotte with the windows open...

Inside: oddly warm and fairly green...lot of St. Pat's celebrants. And the HR team works hard to celebrate holidays around here since we've gotten so big...there's an ice cream float with my name on it down at the commissary later : )

Wearing: Jeans, flats, green shirt...been rocking the jeans lately, just in a jeans mood. Always the tomboy...

Reading: Death Du Jour by Kathy Reichs...the magazines from last week...

Creating: unearthed Cozy from the UFO pile and am focusing on it for now....also rocked a decent meatloaf last night.

Going: Mom's for laundry, work on Saturday, otherwise just cleaningcleaningcleaning...

I pray for clarity this weekend.

Image from here.

Mental Pinball

I've started wearing my buddhist mala beads on my left wrist again, as an attempt to remind myself to live in the present. Ain't working so well today. The morning is crawling, and my brain is a jumping bean. Japan and Alli linger in the back of my thoughts; NC sneaks into the front, and my current life in FL gets shoved aside in favor of dreams.

The weather's annoying...45 at night, 81 by midday. Just about starting to sweat weather...at least we can still open up at night. Not looking forward to the summer electric bills...

The weekend was exhausting. Went to the Y on Saturday morning, and am very glad I did, because Alli's memorial was that afternoon, and my brain shut down afterward. Sunday was a sleep catch-up day, which felt good, resulted in some pampering, but didn't do me any good that night; because it took me forever to get to sleep and I had to be up by 6 a.m. Monday morning to take Mom to a procedure (all's well). So my butt dragged the rest of the day, I drank too much coffee, and was in the sack by 10 last night. Feeling quite a bit more normal today, but still shaking off a bit of something existential...

Lil Sis has spent the last 3 days in a rather idyllic setting in Asheville, buried in work while surrounded by soul-touching beauty. My brain's up there with her a bit, enjoying a walk off the beaten path...

The local Y is in the middle of a Strong Kids campaign, designed to get kids exercising. Love the concept, but it's such a drop in the bucket. Witnessed a little girl, about 9ish, trying out the treadmill for the first time while Mom worked out nearby, only to then step down and drink heartily from a 24 oz. Powerade. Does Mom wonder why her little girl still has baby fat?

After 2½ weeks of switching out purses and wallets in a quest for something springy, I've gone back to the purse I used all winter, because it just rocks what I need better than anything else in my collection right now. The female is one seriously fickle species.

I think the caffeine consumption needs to continue today.

I'm finding I need 2 days between weight lifting workouts. Makes sense, but I should be doing yoga or something in between too, and haven't been as diligent with that. Hoping this week brings better concentration...

Image from here.

A Post of Silence

Honoring those who passed in Japan last week. Idea totally snitched from FarmMama. Image from here.

Taking Stock

"Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday..."
~ Diddy, Dirty Money

Doing SO much better today.

Not sure, but I think I may have gone through all 5 stages of grief in one fell swoop...since I didn't know her personally, only through Lil Sis, had only met her a handful of times, what was striking me most was just how young she was and how random her death seemed. That kind of death terrifies me, sets me into an existential frenzy about how I'm not doing enough with my life. To wake up one morning and have your body shut down that day...seems strange that I glean how short life is from her death; where were these feelings when Dad passed? Losing Dad was a whole different animal though...

I woke up this morning, rested and motivated, even though I didn't do half the stuff I wrote about yesterday. I needed to shut the brain down last night, and I found that I couldn't concentrate on the magazine articles; nothing was getting in, so I just skimmed stuff. Back to Y tonight.

Outside: Dreary...don't mind it though, cuz it's keeping the temps moderate.

Inside: Quiet so far...hope it stays that way.

Wearing: jeans, Docs, purple and green pinstriped blouse with pink T underneath.

Reading: the latest Tricycle, Shambhala Sun, and Yoga for Beginners—Volume I (newstand only apparently...weird). Also Deja Dead, by Kathy Reichs.

Creating: holding pattern here...we'll see what the weekend brings.

Going: memorial for Alli on Saturday, otherwise, working at home.

Image from here.

One More...

Love yourself and be awake
Today, tomorrow, always.

First establish yourself in the way,
Then teach others,
And so defeat sorrow.

To straighten the crooked,
You must first do a harder thing,
Straighten yourself.

You are your only master.
Who else?
Subdue yourself,
And discover your master.

The Dhammapada

..................

So I'm home from work, no longer required to perform rote tasks...my brain is settling a bit. Made dinner. Planning to watch some of my yoga DVD and read more of Structural Yoga, as well as some more magazines acquired at the local Borders (which is closing, so everything's on sale)...

I couldn't go to the Y tonight. I'm actually pretty proud of this decision. To steal from AA terminology, I'm a recovering self-abuser. In the bad times, in college and after, I would cut or bruise myself to relieve stress. Haven't come close to it in years, but I recognize the cravings; they don't go away, they just get redirected (if you're lucky and take the right steps) to more positive, healthy outlets.

I spent the day feeling so damn sad and angry about Allison going to Summerland, I just knew that if I went to the Y, I'd kick my body's arse. I'd hit every weight machine and then some, and just wale on my body with those conflicting emotions. To do that after taking several days off from working out, I'd be in decent physical pain the next day, if I managed not to strain something. Same concept, different medium.

So I stepped back. I'm listening to myself and I'm going to try a bit of meditation tonight, some centering and grounding visualization...I'm feeling better, and tomorrow's Y workout will be better for it.

Selfish

Will death always affect me this way from now on? Momentarily hobbling me so that I can't properly relate to how the family is suffering......I know that suffering, I lived it, and yet, I'm questioning going to the memorial and showing my support to the family because I don't know how I will be able to handle it?! The rage has turned inward...

"...it's a bright white light that blinds people's vision,
and runs over them, scratching, clawing, with ragged nails...
and if I screamed, it would be a primal sound,
a ripping from my soul
of echos and tears and...relief?..."

Excerpt from a poem I wrote in college, when our friend Stacy passed (non-Hodgkins lymphoma). Interesting how I put into words something then, that I didn't even really experience until almost-4 years ago...until you experience a truly "close" death, everything else is a fake.

I want to play Linkin Park's Catalyst on my iPod until my ears bleed. Instead I let it shuffle and attempt to concentrate on work. My heart has a fragile crust. The breeze on my face at lunchtime moved me to tears. I'm thinking of blowing off the Y, only because in my current emotional state, I'm liable to seriously overdo it, which is not something I want to do to myself. There's a new yoga DVD at home that needs my attention instead, and I'm thinking about buying the latest issue of Tricycle and meditating tonight.

It was a pulmonary embolism. The randomness of that diagnosis doesn't quite satisfy my tangibility craving. I want to attend the memorial, but I'm really not sure how I'll do. If I do go, I'll take my own car and stay near the back, where I can escape easily. It could be a small mob scene; her students had a dedication page up on Facebook within hours of hearing. She was loved.

A Heavy Heart and a Running Brain

Thinkingthinkingthinking...

You know, I get that this is how life works. You're given the occasional reminder of mortality, so that you don't take life too much for granted, or too seriously, or something. Just chaps my ass that I have to be reminded when my own life is in a damn holding pattern.

Y'all know that I dislike Florida, can't wait to move, wish it had happened already; but financially it makes the most sense to wait until our lease runs out. It gives the process a timetable and structure. We're able to project and save, plus I'm earning stock options with every month I stay with the company....different options vest on a monthly basis. So I accept October as the move point and work toward it, but I look at my current position and also feel very stuck.

And then a family friend inexplicably goes to Summerland.

This painfully young individual was a close friend of my Lil Sis and a social studies teacher at her high school alma mater. I say inexplicable, because there was no car accident, no lightening strike, no inner city violence, nothing yet to make sense of why this person would so suddenly lose her life. 28 year olds don't just drop dead. Except they do, like that 16-year old who made the news last week for collapsing on the basketball court right after giving his team the game-winning lay-up. And that leaves the rest of us still here on this planet, scratching our heads and asking why.

I seek the tangible; I'm a troubleshooter, a problem solver. Dad's death made no sense to me until I read his hospital file, and then it made perfect sense. You look at the body as a machine...his machine had broken parts that couldn't be fixed. Period. But a 28-year old teacher with no previous known medical conditions...all that brings is rage and WTF! And I find I can't stand performing the mundane tasks of my work, when I could be feeding my chickens, writing my novel, raising a child...

More later...

Image from here.

Taking Stock

Not sure why I chose this pic...except of course, that I wish I had that cabinet, those quilts, and kept things that neat.....someday.....

I think part of the problem is not enough distractions. Granted, I stress kind of easily for a stress junkie; but I think I talk so much about me here because a) I spend too much time inside my own head, and b) we are childless and our comic relief is a cat with squirrel tendencies. Mom blogs are interesting, because there's always someone painting the wall with peanut butter or shoving something up their noses.

There ain't a lot of distraction in our lives right now, unless you count the overflowing apartment as a whole. I get up, putter, go to work, stare at a computer for 8 hours or so, hit the gym, stare at the home computer for a piece, putter, attempt unwinding in front of the TV and discover that I can't because I spent too much time on the computer, and then go to sleep. The only reason I'm sleeping well these days is because my bed is seriously comfortable.

It's a pretty crappy routine, as routines go; needs some action, fulfillment, sense of purpose beyond "getting us the hell out of Florida". And since I know myself enough to know I wouldn't benefit from filling my spare hours with a 2nd job or volunteering at a soup kitchen, perhaps it's time to take a look inward and see what makes my heart and brain smile. I totally believe in giving back to the community, but I also believe my volunteer hours will make more of a difference if I actually give a crap about whatever I'm volunteering for.

Slight digression: One cool thing about Florida is the growing climate; we're in zone 9A. I see a wealth of obstacles preventing me from starting seeds right now, so maybe I'll set aside that idea for later in the summer. No reason it has to occur right now, just because it's Spring; and there's plenty of other things that need my attention. I've barely scratched the surface of the apartment boxes and we just hit the 7-month mark out from the move. Les has been making the effort to help out more around the house, and it's going to help tremendously as we edge closer to October.

This will be a working weekend, and a bliss weekend; we're celebrating 12 years of marriage/puppy love/eternal commitment on Sunday. Funny how "commitment" has so many different meanings, huh? But seriously, it's kind of disgusting, how in love we still are, so I won't slobber all over the screen about it here...

Outside: Rather perfect, 70s during the day, dipping to 40s at night.

Inside: forgot my iPod again, and both the chatty annoyances next to me are working...should be an interesting afternoon, filled with silent visions of unfulfilled bloodshed...

Wearing: navy blue 3/4 sleeve T under fave shirt, a Talbots masterpiece in a gorgeous blue and green paisley; black pants, black flats...feels a little matronly, but I haven't made time yet to grab one more pair of jeans or some dress sneaks for my "summer uniform"...

Reading: Starting Kathy Reichs series over again from the beginning, because I'm bored; dipping into Sharon Astyk's A Nation of Farmers; thinking it's time for another Chamblin's run.....

Creating: Started and then frogged a scarf, ignoring UFOs...should probably grab the striped socks and work them or start another hat with sock yarn.....

Going: to Chart House for anniversary dinner.......I'm in the mood for a good steak, a decent glass of wine, and an evening chatting with my soulmate. Otherwise, turtling, cleaning, watching movies, maybe building a fort.....yes, we're in our sort-of-almost-40s, why do you ask? We don't have kids yet; who else we gonna build a fort with?

Image from here.

But.....we fear change.....

So P'Dubs put a pile of blog links up on her latest Confessions post, and I've been scoping some new (to me) womanly (mostly) wit and wisdom. They're an interesting group, mostly SAHMs who escape through blogging to keep from popping Xanax like candy, enjoying a shot of vodka as a mid-morning snack, or turning their minivans into Mom caves in a fit of individuality expression.

There are some seriously strong, brilliant, and hysterical writers out there. I mean, I consider myself a decent writer, but damn...

It's got me thinking about this blog. As much as I whine about the literal handful of readers I probably have, the truth is that I'd like to give something that brings more people in. I consider myself a writer and with writing comes a substantial ego, that "but I have SOMETHING that's worth hearing.....you MUST listen to me!!" mentality. Finding that niche can prove harder (am I a granola, crafter, knitter, sewer, scrapbooker, farmer, I MUST have a gimmick!!!), as it brings the nagging voice in your head (AKA self-doubt...a rather negative little fellow, so we'll call him Assface) into the foreground, where he proceeds to snort derisively and say truly helpful things like, "yeah, right," and "oh, please!", and "remember you tried that once and it was a disaster of epic proportions.....oh, and by the way, you're fat!" Assface has an excellent memory, the little shit. And I'm a girl child of the '80s, so I never had much self-esteem to begin with.

So I may be reshaping the blog in the coming days/weeks just a bit. I'm seeing two big goals that need attention:

1. Defining what's OK and not OK to write about.
2. Loosening the fuck up!

I have a great sense of humor and a colloquial style that engages, but damned if I don't censor myself, throwing in asterisks when I'm cussing and rewording things like I'm writing a damn essay. This is a byproduct of my "career" as an editor (yes, it's in quotes, because if i'm still doing this incredibly dry job 10 years from now.....GAH!); I've become a professional at shaping the written word and in this information age, I'm probably holding back a bit on the off chance that future employers track down this little release. But I also am a person who has prided herself on embracing her lack of filter (when I'm off my lithium, that is), while keeping it strapped on for blogging; and that's both hypocritical and silly.

Irony is devoting yourself to shedding perfectionism the moment you move out of your parents' house, and 20 years later, realizing you have a successful career as a perfectionist. Sonofabitch.

So while my filter will hopefully be opening up more here, it will also be carefully closing in one or two key areas. There are the occasional times where I vent here and then cringe afterward and thank the gods that my inlaws/husband/Lil Bro don't normally read this sucker. Where I realize if they were to find my blog and troll the archives, they wouldn't necessarily be elated with some of the things I say. And that's NG. My husband is the dearest creature in the world to me, and his ego is quite fragile...I think it comes from being a bear of very pained brain...so our sex life, while never a frequent topic to begin with, doesn't belong here. And the topic of my elder sis-in-law is going totally off-limits, because I simply have nothing nice to say about the situation any more, so it's best I keep my fat flapping mouth shut, light a candle, and give it to the gods.

And I'm going to break out the camera more and play with our new scanner, because snitching Tumblr photos is handy, but a cheat, and I need the photo editing skills for career purposes anyway. Stay tuned!

With dreams of a "normal" Spring...

Temps are sneaking up into the 80s during the day here, and aren't dropping low enough at night. Stepping outside to do laundry last night, I was cognizant of the non-change in the temperature between apartment and landing. Makes me grumbly...as will the electric bill next month, now that we're back to running the damn AC 24/7. Keeps me moving forward in my thinking.....February almost down, hitting 7 months to go.....I always act like it's time to get cracking, but now it'll start taking on a subjective urgency.

The landscape is doing the Spring thing, at least...the maples exploded in white blossoms last week, and my drive to work was streaked with magenta as the azaleas put on a show. That brings me up a bit, that and the new jeans I wore to work today...and the way my muscles feel after another beating at the Y yesterday. I'm glad I went back to weights; it's definitely necessary, and I swear it seems like my body builds muscle faster than it burns fat. I'm sure that's backwards, but hey, whatever gets my self-image rising, right?

Happy Monday, y'all!

Image from here.

Taking Stock

Wish I was there.

Outside: it's a GD FL travel brochure...75F, breezy...I'm wearing clothes too dark for this weather, nearly roasted in them going out to lunch.

Inside: Miraculously quiet...we'll see how long it lasts.

Wearing: fave black top, green pants, black flats...dreaming of jeans though. My work dress code is relaxed biz casual, which means you can get away with about everything except bare midriffs and wifebeaters. They even allow flip-flops now. I'll never feel comfortable wearing those to work (something about the noise they make.....and my age.....and my weird flat feet......and.....), but I need some more jeans, b/c one of my two precious pairs self-destructed last weekend from years of use and became cut-offs I can't wear in public.

I would look classy today, if I'd bothered to put foundation on...I'm wearing beautiful earrings and my hair's in a bun; but my Irish ruddy skin takes away from the effect, I fear...

"It wasn't vanity that made her act this way; it was self-respect."
~ Come a Stranger, Cynthia Voigt

Reading: Shifting away from Bob Greene's new book, because I'm pretty sure I can get what I need out of The Best Life Diet (which I already own) with one caveat: gotta actually read the damn thing all the way through and absorb its contents. I know, radical stuff...

Pulled out 206 Bones, because believe it or not, that's light reading for me. I got the Gardens Alive catalog in the mail yesterday, but I'm feeling a little overwhelmed about the prospect of container gardening weighed against a rather squirrelly cat (during the seeding process), uncooperative neighborhood ducks (once the plants are on the porch), and an 8-month window of mass consolidation before exodus...still, if I don't at least try some herbs, the crave to put my hands in the dirt is going to send me 'round the bend! This weather is bringing the Barnheart front and center. I'm pricing small, portable greenhouse-type stuff...wish I could put electric fence out there >:) That'd show the little bastards...

Creating: I'm between projects. Downloaded a pile of free PDFs from Interweave and hope to snag Spring Knits and the latest Knitscene, as they both had projects that caught my eye. Will be casting on SOMETHING this weekend.

Going: nowhere specific...it's an errands and organizing weekend. Mom's visiting my godparents in Clearwater.

Weights at the Y tonight; cardio tomorrow. The PT exercises I did yesterday have my knees feeling creaky, but stronger; my spirit is buoyed by this discovery and I'll be adding more careful squats and step-leg lifts to my regimen. Thinking of adding 2 big changes to my morning routine: blow drying or styling my unruly mop and taking a walk...will keep all 6½ of you posted : )

Image from here.

Spring has sprunk

I think the reason I call my car's color gold is because of Spring. It's a faded beige, but the big indicator of Spring in North Florida, pine pollen, has descended, and cars everywhere are covered in this golden dust. It's pretty and filthy at the same time.

Getting up to 80 today...I think I'm enjoying a bit of reverse seasonal affective disorder...the heat's really pissing me off.

Allergies are kicking up, there's a lot of coughing at work. I don't get hit badly enough to complain about it, thankfully. As a kid, I was allergic to grass and a handful of other stuff, but outgrew them all, I think.

However today, I'm dehydrated and my body feels as if I was run over by a life-sized Mighty Mo (my Lil Bro had the orange bulldozer...those things rocked!). Did too much at the Y yesterday. Not a bad thing; just means I'm a touch ornery today. And seriously achy.

I'm revving up to Monday slowly.

Caving on giving up dairy for now...I love it too much. I'll try more lowfat options, already drink 1% milk. Just not ready, I guess, and it seems silly to use almond milk in my coffee and then order a pizza at the end of the day.

I've been back in a rut, so working slowly back up to multiple Y days and better eating. Reading, and probably buying, Bob Greene's latest, as it's exactly what I need to unlock the reasons behind all my emotional eating.

The car's not going to need nearly as much work as we thought, so we indulged in a purchase or two: new printer with much cheaper refill cartridges, new toaster. Feels good to have the dough for stuff like that, but the rest is going in savings for the move.

Image from here.

Taking Stock

I'm forcing myself to get cheerful about the current weather change, because there's nothing to be gained from being grumpy about it. Spring, all 5 minutes of it, has arrived, I think, here in Florida. I say 5 minutes, because soon after these days come the days where you can't distinguish between it and summer unless you're looking at a calendar. I'm not out of my boots yet, but it's cranking up to mid-70s today and I was breaking into a sweat sitting in the car. Time to reorganize the closet...

Outside: Gorgeous, frickin' glorious, a goddamn postcard...

Inside: painful because it's so terrific outside...

Wearing: ancient blue sweater, pants, brown boots...

Reading: Michael Pollan's Food Rules, Structural Yoga, and my cookbooks, because we've been really lazy in the food department lately and it's got to stop...

Creating: almost done with hat #3, but it's vexing me...had to join new skein, and I usually just knot, rather than ply...but it's virgin wool and not holding the knots, so I'm going to have to add a sewn stitch in there somehow to be safe.....also creating move lists (FINALLY!) and starting some planning, like what kind of jobs I should try for, where money's coming from, etc.

Going: into the other boxy corner of the apartment to start culling...

Image from here. Anyone reading this from parts north, feel free to send me some snow :(

The Dream vs. Reality

We all live inside our heads in various ways. I've been doing it since I was a tween. Back then, it was moving toward the ivy-covered walls of some institution of higher learning. I was going to take all the courses I wanted, because in my head, having to pay money to go to college wasn't an issue when I was a kid. No, we weren't rich; I just didn't clue into the fact that college cost serious dough back then, and that I (not my parents) would be somehow responsible for that debt. Thank goodness I'm finally shifting to the unschooling mentality a bit, because I still want to learn so damn much in this life, but I sure don't see having the dough to do it according to society's dictates.

Nowadays I'm inside my head about the move. Once I get us up there, my head will shift to finding our little patch of land. Between now and then is research; training myself in gardening, animal husbandry, finding our comfort zones in how we want to give back to the earth and feed ourselves. Pushing as much of reality into the dreams as possible, so I can have an accurate and learned grasp of what we're capable.

I just finished The Dirty Life by Kristen Kimball. Really decent accounting of the hard-core, very-little-sleep, nose-to-grindstone work of a beginner farm. While I have zero desire to go as large as they did fresh out of the gate, it was still a clear picture of the serious work required every. single. day. to run a farm. Those of us who read Cold Antler with a wistful gleam in our eyes while toiling away on "city" work tend to bypass the fact that Jenna's happiness hinges in part, on rolling out of bed when it's still dark and postponing meals until the animals are fed.

It's important that reality overlap the dreams. This post made me laugh, while also understanding that it's completely literal and absolutely needs to be taken seriously.

Image from here.

Planning

Thursday is past. It was quite an off day. Yesterday was better. My body is only mildly achy from last night's beating at the Y. I lifted weights for the first time in months and learned some things about my body.

Today I'll clean and organize. I have plans to hit the Y later. It's PT day; I'm going to have a trainer show me how to work the glute and hip machines so I don't make an ass of myself.

Check out Tammy Strobel's blog when you get a chance...it's an amazing resource for living simpler.

Today's going to be good.

Image from here.

Character-Building Bull Fertilizer

Yea...right...tell that to my knees.

The morning started normally...throw together lunch, inhale breakfast, perk obscene amount of coffee. Kiss Husby goodbye. Set off on 12-minute interstate commute to work.

A quarter mile from my exit, the "Service Engine Soon" light kicks on, immediately followed by the engine starting to lag. Naturally, I was silently musing in my head at the time, about how the timing chain replacement needs to happen like, yesterday; so my first thought is that I've jinxed myself, even though I can tell from the feel of the engine that thankthegods, it's not that. No, likely I'd blown a belt, because we had repair techs warning us about those months ago. I pull off the shoulder and make it under the overpass (thankthegods #2, because it was rainy and gross out). Call AAA. Call Husby. Settle in to wait.

A solid hour and a half later (!).....tow truck was late because of other accidents...I won't digress by ranting about how you'd think in a state like Florida, its residents would be used to driving in the rain.....the tow truck guy finds me. He's cool, says not to worry about charges if we go over 5 miles and recommends a place cheaper than the one AAA originally was going to send me to.

You've heard me whine plenty of times about how my body has changed thanks to arthritis and obesity. I've always looked on it as an inconvenience, nothing more. Certainly not a disability. A temporary condition, to be sure. Still do. Nothing to see here...just another fat chick. But today's activities were yet another wake-up call, and I'm quite tired of learning things the hard way.

The tow truck was a standard semi with a flatbed. You don't realize how damn high those things are until you're climbing into one. Slid my bags onto the floor, which was at frickin' eye level, and managed to climb into the thing and avoid embarassment. I see the high handle, which could've made the job easier, after I'm seated, naturally.

Ten minutes later, we're at the auto repair shop. He hops out to touch base with the guys as to where to park my car in their crowded lot; I pick up my bags and open the door. Should've left bags on the floor and grabbed them after I'd negotiated my exit. I put my left foot down on the 2nd step, swing around, and my left knee gives out (it plain didn't have the strength to hold my weight, because I was out of balance). Wasn't expecting that, because it's the "good" knee. I slide out of the truck, landing hard on my right leg and getting the butt of my pants wet from the truck step. It was kind of like going bumpety-bump down the stairs, but vertically (and with all the grace of an elephant on roller skates). I strain my right knee and issue a verbal expletive.

Thankfully, no one sees this; I've been uncoordinated my whole life and am rather practiced at recovery (or at least, like to think I am). I shake it off, work the stiffness out of my knee, park myself in their waiting room, and they change out my belts. But in the back of my head, while I'm trying to distract myself by reading a library book, is that nagging voice...

I've done this to myself. There are parts of my body that I currently can't rely on, because of my weight and my arthritis. If I don't take very serious steps to lose the weight and retard the progression of the arthritis, I won't be able to run as I get older. Not run for pleasure, not run after children or animals; I won't be able to maintain the farm I ache for and dream of. I won't be able to live the quality of life that I'm setting out there for myself, if I don't make these changes now. Les can't help his disability; I CAN!

What's the big deal about running? With my body type, it may not even be realistic; but in my head, I've always been a runner. Which is roll-on-the-floor-hilarious, because I was never athletic, not in high school or college. But from the time I learned the cross-country courses in junior high gym class, my brain has pictured my body sailing over them with my long-legged stride. Running through woods and fields, running in neighborhoods. I'm a strong, beautiful, lean person, inside my head.

But of course, it's not even about the running...it's about not having the strength you take for granted. I know I have a wealth of physical and mental endurance. The mental endurance got me through college and my time at AMC. And I've proved my physical endurance before, walking almost 15 miles in a day for the Avon 3-Day-that-turned-into-a-1-Day (yes, that was 8½ years ago...what's your point?).

But all the talking and planning and organizational capability in the world can't make up for not having the physical strength to achieve your dreams.

The only reason I'm not going to the Y tonight, is because my whole body aches from the fall I took. I'm spending the evening writing out my wellness plan.

Taking Stock

Blankety-blank photo editor isn't working for me.....

Wednesday, glorious Wednesday! Weather still sunny and cool. Mood has turned, thank goodness! Last week or so have been bleh, but today I'm back and rarin' to go. Updated most of my other blogs, and the brainpan is on overdrive. Looking forward to Y tonight...it's been too long...

Outside: Mostly sunny, 50s...I can't understand how Yankees can be tired of winter, but then I start really thinking/remembering about what it's like to live in the white stuff, and I empathize.

Inside: Cool, sterile, boring...

Wearing: the winter uniform...navy pullover, black pants, black boots...hair's in a bun.

Reading:
Structural Yoga

The Dogs of Bedlam Farm

The World Beneath

A Nation of Farmers

Food Rules

...and some other neat stuff, and just finished Black Heels to Tractor Wheels by the Pioneer Woman (Ree Drummond) ... an absolutely delightful guilty pleasure!

Creating: Lists, lists, and more lists as my brain starts really negotiating what's needed to pull off the move this year...oh, and I'm knitting that wool hat and some new scarves too...

Going: To Goodwill, to recycling center, maybe to Chamblin's...chippingchipping away at the apartment...

Hello.

Just peeking over the side today. Not much to report. Weather sunny and cold, so I'm happy. Work is a bear. So's today's image :) My brain is filled with thoughts of the move....prayers that my stock options continue to climb, because whatever I pull from those means less money being pulled from the 401(k) to finance the move......what I'm going to do for a job......how badly we need to keep downsizing in the apartment.....the evenings get away from me so damn easily.....tonight already feels like a wash, because I'll hit the Y after work and then do laundry.......but that doesn't mean I can't hit the closet or a box in between. Really need to stay the hell off the computer in the evenings...

Les still pitching in when he can....I almost want to cry with relief.

I'm fighting yeast and caffeine withdrawal headaches with yogurt and Advil. Eating habits about half and half these days, good and bad. Sticking to biking at Y for now and talking myself back into swimming.

The tax return came already; most of it went right into savings until we get off our butts and take the car in for service.

Image from here.

Taking Stock

Wish I was there :)

Outside: rain, rain, and more rain...it's quite weird how Floridians get conditioned to weather at particular times of the year...feels very strange having rain like this when it's not hurricane season. Perhaps the gods are getting me used to the idea of real seasons again, so NC won't be a shock.

Inside/Wearing: chilly...glad I'm wearing a sweater. My winter uniform consists of pullover sweaters and slacks or jeans, and I've barely been out of my boots since buying them this year. They probably make me look a little dumpy, but they're really too comfy for me to give a damn.

Creating: Started another hat with Soulemama's pattern (third time's the charm?), using worsted virgin wool. Learning that I need to modify hat patterns to fit my oversized head...I'll be adding several rows to her pattern before starting the crown this time.

Reading: oh, it's a mix...discovered Jon Katz and Sharon Astyk this week, and I want to transpose a healthy amount of Integrative Nutrition before giving it back next week, because we're watching pennies again so I'm feeling too frugal to buy it.

Going: Some friends are having a get-together again, bring your yarn and treats, on Saturday...then more cleaning/organizing on Sunday.

Image from here.

Brain meandering...

Removing gluten and dairy from my diet would be a lot easier if I wasn't addicted to oh, bread, cookies, pie, cake, ice cream, milk, most forms of cheese, milk chocolate...did I mention bread? oh, I did......how 'bout milk?

Thankfully, this isn't for some urgent health reason...well, unless you count the fact that your average medical doctor would consider me a heart attack waiting to happen, if my heart hadn't already gotten the clean bill (though there's also enough material in my head for a post about how my superstitious nature is not looking forward to 42, because that was the year of my dad's first aortic dissection...). But I outgrew my milk allergy approximately 30 years ago, and I don't have celiac. My candida issues aren't even really chronic. I'm recognizing though, where I overeat and how my body feels after I eat those foods, and others (we won't go into the Greek tragedy that is an Irish girl realizing she really shouldn't eat white potatoes, like ever...or at least until her butt stops resembling a sack of them...). And I'm recognizing that if I ever want to lose this weight, then significant change needs to occur in my food lifestyle (trying not to call it a diet, because that word comes with the automatic failure button attached).

Sidebar: is it even possible/realistic/fair for women to have to combat eating lousy on the first day of the monthly fun? Isn't that the one day that women should be able to toss aside convention and let themselves do whatever the hell they want to, because the alternatives involve deprivation, epic mood swings, plotting revenge on imaginary enemies, and the fetal position....? I realize I just made the argument for women never making it into the Oval Office, but it can't be helped...my endocrine system is writing this post. And yes, I realize bad foods may contribute to the symptoms of PMS...just don't EVEN try to convince me of that on day one.....talk to the hand.....moving on.....

I'm studying my exercise options this week as well. I want to spend several days a week at the Y, but I'm also realizing that pigeonholing my workouts into mainly cardio could be making my knee worse. So I'm studying alternative therapies, my old PT exercises, and yoga, while also looking at the weight-training regimen I started out with. I hope to blend all these activities into a fitness plan.

I think this is a long way around my dreaming up a wellness plan for this year (thanks to Melinda for the jump-start). I have the big goals...I see myself at 175# again. I'd love to do another 2 or 3 day walk for breast cancer and actually complete the blasted thing (I've said before what a twisted blessing and disappointment it was that the NY 2002 3-Day was shafted after the first day...I was nowhere near in shape for the darn thing). I'd love to bike places instead of drive. I have a full life planned, either with children, animals, or both, and I'll need to be healthy and fit to keep up with them. But I continue to not lose weight, because I'm not eating properly; and I'm recognizing that by setting smaller goals and keeping them, I'll develop the much-needed patience with myself to stay the hell off the scale and just concentrate on getting healthy.

Image from here.