Ember Madrone

The random ramblings of a shingles-addled web editor

2012-02-14T12:42:00.000-08:00

Valentine's Day. It's definitely easier to handle when you wake up to yellow roses, a box of chocolates, and the sweetest guy in the world in your house. SO good to have him home!

Interesting, learning how your body reacts to stress. Yesterday I took the day off to recover from the driving back and forth to SC. I puttered, watched the tube, read, played, and reveled in the fact that Husby was home. Neck and shoulders felt considerably better, both when I initially woke up and as the day progressed.

Today I'm back at work, the sledgehammer is back resting on my right shoulder, and it's making me grumbly.

I'm pretty sure if I cut repeats out of my TV watching, I'd be down to 2 shows: House and NCIS. And House is done after this season. Food for thought, to be sure...

I'm definitely a student of religion right now. Glad I've reached a point where I accept the Christianity of others without feeling like they drank the Kool-Aid and need to try out free will sometime. But I'm definitely a Unitarian in my own beliefs. Been researching Hinduism, because I've watched/read Eat Pray Love one too many times, and my Lil Sisinlaw's study of the craft has me digging back into the works of Scott Cunningham and Margot Adler, while also keeping a hold on my Buddhism studies, seeing how I can blend Hindu/Buddhist meditation into a daily practice in my own life. This kind of needs to occur, I think. I'm in the right place for it right now.

I couldn't make it into Heather's workshop in time. Was disappointed briefly, but it's OK. That money can be spent buying Terry Walters' books, maybe another whole foods cookbook, and investing in kitchen appliances that will assist me in my clean, healthy food endeavors. Like an electric rice cooker, so I can stop having to steel wool my medium-sized pot, because I've become rather skilled at burning rice, beans, anything I'm not steaming, b/c I'm too scatty to keep an eye on it.....sigh.....also want an air popcorn popper, one of those easy onion choppers, and I'm hopefully inheriting a waffle iron from Lil Sisinlaw. There's some serious weekend food prep and menu planning in our futures.

Been having delusions of grandeur about the dang tax return, thinking of ways to spend the sucker. I know how precious the extra dough is though (OT is a faint memory here unfortunately), and it'll probably go right into the savings account once it arrives, until we determine what things we need vs. what things we just want. I'm getting a lot better at that, and the purse moratorium I declared this year helps. Still...

Image from here.

Independence Days Challenge Week 1

2012-02-10T09:49:00.000-08:00

Man, pancakes on the brain this week! Still haven't made 'em...hopefully Monday...

Oh nutterbutters! Amazing how selective our memories can be. Was just saying that to Lil Sis today, because I was craving one of those heavenly artisan sandwiches from Starbucks. I've been trying to remove dairy (or switch to organic) and factory farmed foods from my diet and I've had at least one of those suckers this week. Habit is a serious bitch.

So I kind of already forgot about Independence Days, though in my defense, it's been really hard to focus on stuff this week; so I'm giving myself a half-pass on account of the shingles. My shoulders and neck have been a new experience in pain for me this week, and not much home preparedness has been occurring at all. Still, gonna go through the motions, because it'll be good for me to see all the places where I want to improve.

Plant Something: not a darn thing, but thinking about a pizza garden to start...tomatoes, peppers, and basil. Cuz I heart pizza and REALLY want to be making it from scratch rather than via Domino's. Supply buying hopefully next week.

Harvest Something: hmm...kind of have to have stuff planted to harvest anything. I'm counting the purchase of carrots and cukes under here, because I did juice with them this week, which is a step in the right direction.

Preserve Something: not yet. Until the Florida strawberries show up, I'll content myself with reading Ashley's book to learn how, and buying the needed supplies (the Ball beginner's kit, more mason jars, etc.).

Waste Not: I did pack lunch at the beginning of the week, then backslid (though I count eating @ Chipotle as a good step too), but again, the damn shingles has me barely wanting to lift my arms, let alone cook for myself. I have been working from the cabinets...only thing I bought this week after the big shop was shampoo. I'm determined on this one though, and I have plenty of beans, rice, and veggie options in the larder to feed myself with right now.

Want Not: yea, this is kind of a biggie...the impending tax return has me thinking about shoes, big time. Again, this can be explained though, and it's not really a rationalization...I want to spend more money on shoes now that will last me for several years, rather than spend money on crap shoes that will last a year at most and make my arthritis worse in the process (a cycle that has been the norm up until now). I have my eye on more Eastlands and a pair of dress sneaks from LLBean, and I'm planning to call the new podiatrist and spend the money on fresh orthotics, so I won't have anything to bitch about as it gets warmer (my current orthotics can't be worn for long periods without socks, because the top's separating from the bottom and could cause blisters...but this is Florida, where socks are barely worn, so...). I'm also planning to register for Heather's workshop the minute the tax return comes in...I'm SO ready for her knowledge in my life!!!

Eat the Food: yea, another one that won't be worked until the planting and preserving really begins...

Build Community Systems: thoughts only, no action. I am thinking of calling RAM on the carpet for advertising Reed's Groves as a "local" farm source; pretty sure the only thing local about them is their citrus - they're really a distribution company.

Skill Up: nothing...blame the shingles...things on this list for future attention include bread baking that doesn't produce a brick, the preserving (salsa! strawberry jam! tomato sauce from scratch!)...hmm, what else?...refinishing the Dad cabinets, that's been on the back burner for like, ever...

Man, I'm so glad I'm doing this! Great ideas and progress in store this year! Have a great weekend, y'all! Kidnapping the husband back to Florida this weekend, yay!

Image from here.

Taking Stock

2012-02-08T15:07:00.000-08:00

Comfort food. Could def use some of that.

Outside: pleasant, not too warm.

Inside: meh.

Wearing: remember the crazy patterned sweaters that Cosby used to wear on the Cosby Show? Inherited one of those from Dad J. So. Comfy! Jeans and oxfords.

Reading: Clean Food by Terry Walters. Def need to own both of her books.

Creating: not much this week, shoulder/neck pain heeding desire/progress.

Going: prob SC to pick up Husby this weekend.

Hoping...
So rash plus neck/shoulder pain equals shingles. Fantastic. I'm sitting there in the doc's office, not surprised by the diagnosis really, but when he said it was a mild case, I had to bite my tongue to keep from saying "so you're not going to give me the good stuff, huh?" I haven't been with this doc office long enough for them to know I'm not normally a drug seeker, so I stayed quiet. Being the spouse of a pain management patient, I'm used to the dance that's required with medical professionals, the need to tread lightly if you're gonna get any relief from them. But goddamn, the pain sucks! He did give me antibiotics and steroids, and I have some supplemental sources of relief beyond ibuprofen that should get me through the next few days. Say some prayers that this resolves itself quickly though. I'm annoyed, grouchy, and mopey.

Image from here.

Coming back to me

2012-02-07T11:12:00.000-08:00

I hate when it seemingly takes me forever to ramp up and get moving on a day, but damn, it feels good once I'm there. Coffee and vegetables...

Today's shaping up nicely. I'm eating healthy (well, except for the coffee, but baby steps), because I'm tired of feeling like crap. My neck's still sore, but I'm taking Advil and getting the hell off the foods that could be causing excess inflammation. I know I can't stop arthritis from traveling to other parts of my body, but if that's what this neck pain is, I'm over it already! Gotta slow that shit to a crawl...and pondering a Sobakawa pillow purchase too, cuz I'm curious about the hype.

Vitamin E appears to be helping the pain of those weird sores on the back of my neck at the hairline. I'm getting off dairy and simple carbs. I'm reading Clean Food by Terry Walters (another one for my bookshelf someday soon), and I'm hoping Heather will accept late admissions to her workshop, because I want to register for her course the minute the tax return comes in.

I've been trolling the web for a decent menu planner page to handwrite on weekly and place on the fridge or other common area. I'm sitting here at work with at least 3 ideas for dinner, but by the time 5:30 p.m. rolls around, I'm so emotionally hungry I always look for the quick feed instead, regardless of nutritional value. So the OA books that I bought and have been ignoring have to get some read time tonight. Also, working the menu plan before the week arrives may help Husby, since he gets way indecisive on food with his sketchy appetite, plus the fact that I'll be trimming the amount of meat I eat again. Unless it's grass-fed/organic, I don't want it in me, so that cuts a LOT out, given our budget. And planning on the weekends means more food prep on the weekends, so I can grab stuff out of the freezer or jars for quick heat on the weekdays.

LOVE how strong I feel once I make some healthy choices! Today I juiced my lunch and followed it with a banana, and I think I can steer clear of the vending machines and rampant chocolate nearby with the snacks I still have to go through (orange, baby carrots).

Image from here.

Homesteading, Independence Days Challenge

2012-02-06T10:07:00.000-08:00

LOVE those bread bins...

Full of promise Monday...been a while since I've felt one of those...

Weekend was OK, almost satisfying. Relaxed quite a bit, enjoyed some loneliness without my man. Watched Super Bowl last night, ate lousy food. Today, another leaf turns...my body's actually craving healthy after all the crap I ate yesterday, I'm drinking water instead of soda, packed my lunch. Gotta love the seesaw.

My thoughts are spring-like...it's early, but given I've never done some of the projects I hope to do this spring, not inappropriate to plan ahead. I read Sharon Astyk's blogs; her brain intimidates me, but her stuff is interesting as hell, and she started up the Independence Days Challenge again. Feels right, so I'm going to try it. I'll report on Fridays how it's going, and hopefully have more to report than: "still recycling." See link on the right for more info.

Reading glasses take some serious getting-used-to...was thinking I didn't need them for standard computer work, until I started to get a headache that went away almost immediately when I put the damn things back on. Highly annoying.

Image from here.

Full of promise...for sleep?

2012-02-03T10:52:00.000-08:00

So I'm back. Still feels like the coward's way out, having to get back to real work, earning money. Les hasn't been home for 2 very long and hard weeks, and is staying for 1 more, to make sure Mom's OK and hopefully get another member of the family driving in that time.

The service was beautiful. My stupid cold made me start hacking right in the middle of it, so I missed some parts while I was outside trying to keep my lungs inside my body; but it also meant I was outside for the Marine corpsman playing Taps, which was easily the most beautiful rendition of that piece I've ever heard. The weather was perfect, low 60s and sunny. We had a reception afterward, and spent the rest of the week attempting to slip back into something that resembled normalcy. We purged quite a bit of Dad's side of the closet and inherited a bunch. The fact that I fit into some of his shorts and 1 pair of his jeans is alternately disturbing and hilarious, depending on where my self-esteem is at the time.

I'm tired, rather bone tired. Slept fine last night, felt great to be back in my own bed, but today's rather fuzzy around the edges and I ache to be outta here. Also ache in my left shoulder, did something weird that has me aching all along the left side of my neck. Quite annoying, and 5 hours with a seatbelt RIGHT THERE didn't help yesterday. Whinewhinewhine...some truly weird breakouts/rashes in that area too that I'm guessing are stress-related...

Came back to find another boss has flown the coop and the job's up for grabs. I should really try for it again. I talk a good game about getting us up to SC before the lease runs out in December, but I know my head's up my arse where that's concerned. Just not feasible. So why not take a chance at earning more money at a job I'm practically overqualified for? Let the internal self-sabotage talk commence...

This weekend...I'm making a list. Or two or three. Being in SC for a whole week is a bit like being off-grid; I unplugged a bit and for the most part, didn't miss it. There are so many other things on my plate beyond the Internet. I want to start planting. Stocking up on mason jars for strawberry canning in another month or so. Eat well, get to the Y or out for walks. Open up the house and scrub the yuck spots. Purge more belongings. Mostly, I just want to recharge, think, study. This year can't just fly by like the others have; at the end of it, I have a very solid goal in mind.

In spite of the reason for being up there, I felt more at peace than I have in a while. I love SC, the rural/suburban simplicity of the towns and how surrounded by nature they are. Winding among the hills in the car, driving back with the windows down, breathing deeply...tucking away the memories for when the city starts getting to me.

Image from here.

Offline

2012-01-27T06:26:00.000-08:00

Limited Internet access and a seriously busy week ahead. I leave this afternoon for SC.

My brain's working in starts and stops. Trying to make list of all the crap I need to accomplish before heading out of town. Dropping off key to Lil Bro right after work, so he and Alice can keep an eye on the cat while we're gone. Doing flea stuff before I leave so the critter won't tear herself up in our absence. She's been damn needy lately and meowing for Les; this trip isn't going to help. Wish we could bring her, but she'd scratch or bite our niece and beat up their Yorkie. Love her, but she's a squirrel. Almost wish C could bring her back to his place, but he has 2 other (larger) cats, and there would be bloodshed eventually. Better to leave her in her familiar surroundings.

Have a feeling time is going to fly from now til Sunday, and then slow to a crawl. That won't be good for maintaining friendly familial relationships...there's already a high level of animosity in certain sectors. Prayers and peaceful thoughts...

Head cold's almost over, but I'm sick of it anyway; cough sticking around and I don't have a great deal of patience. Hopefully throwing myself into housework once I get there will help. And seeing Les.

Om Namah Shivaya. It's a Sanskrit phrase that I'm pretty sure is horribly mistranslated by us Westerners and only supposed to refer to honoring Shiva, but one of the translations sticks in my head: I honor the divinity that resides within me. I'll hold that feeling close to my heart as I'm barraged with Christianity's way of dealing with death this weekend. I'm in a better place lately with my own beliefs, as varied as they are. And when family relationships threaten to fracture this week, I'll go inward, breathe, and find my own peace with Dad's passing. That's what's important, and the thing I have the most control over.

Thanks so much for all your prayers over the past few weeks.

Image from here.

One foot in front of the other...

2012-01-26T08:28:00.000-08:00

I sat in our living room and said to Les, "just make sure that all that positive thinking isn't masking denial..."

He responded, "don't worry, I know it's denial...I just still hold out hope that he's gonna beat this too."

Shoulda listened to myself. Pretty sure thanks to Monday and Tuesday, Les was better prepared than I.

On Sunday, Dad was still coherent. I gave him hugs and said I'd see him next weekend. Told him I was leaving my Superwoman cape with him, but I'd be back with pompoms...I'd be his beating cancer cheerleader. I was deeply worried about the inability to eat and how very thin he'd gotten, but I've been around pain management folks of different stripes for years now, so I just assumed he'd rally. We'd get him eating more, they'd start this new medication regimen, and maybe, just maybe, the word "remission" would enter our lives.

Melanie's world of denial...the idea of him dying...it wasn't registering with me. Yes, I saw how sharply his health had declined since we saw him at Christmas, but...I couldn't let myself think that we'd lose him. One father every 5 years is plenty. Thank the gods I didn't follow through with my cheerleader package idea; they would have been unwrapping a 6-pack of Ensure and some other silly gifts in the mail from me like, 2 days after he passed.

I left for home Sunday, had to get back to work. Les stayed, and thank the gods he did. Sunday night, Dad's pain was so lousy, Les spent a chunk of the night sitting next to him, Dad in bed, Les on the floor, pushing the bolus for his pain medicine every 8 minutes. While Dad moaned. The next day they got nursing back out there, where it was determined that he needed a drastic increase in his pain meds. Turns out it didn't need to be quite that drastic...Monday night, he was mentally altered and suffering from what in retrospect may not have been panic attacks. They managed to get a Valium into him after several episodes of paranoia where he thought the wife and kids were trying to slip him a mickey. Tuesday morning, the nurses were back out, fixing his medication and ordering a hospital bed, because they were concerned all the lying flat he was doing was putting strain on his heart. His sister also visited, thank goodness. But as the day progressed, he stopped responding to their requests, and they catheterized him. Les was so busy, I barely talked to him Tuesday, so I was assuming he was slammed with Dad's care; I didn't even know he'd become bedbound. He texted me Tuesday night that the new medication regimen had been decided against, because he was just too ill. I remember that, because it made me realize that he was going to die, that we were out of options. But I had no idea it would be so soon...I was telling my sis and bro that it would be weeks now.

The call came at 2 a.m. Wednesday morning.

Semper Fi

2012-01-25T00:28:00.000-08:00

Leslie Sims Johnson Jr. passed away in the early hours of January 25, 2012, surrounded by his wife and children.

Guilt

2012-01-24T09:11:00.000-08:00

It's like survivor's guilt, being stuck here in FL working on mindless websites, while most of Les's fam is working hard to keep Dad alive and comfortable. I feel guilty that I'm not there, and I feel guilty for realizing that I've got the much easier task of toughing it out at home alone, just me and the cat. At least all that guilt distracts me from being lonely...the cold helps distract too (in my head, not the weather...frickin' weather's in the 70s this week...YUCK!!!). Trying for doc appt to get antibiotics if needed, because I have no business crossing the threshold in SC if I'm sick. Dad's way too ill for any more stray bugs.

At least I've figured out how to take the homeopathic stuff without poisoning myself...ColdCalm and Zicam are keeping the stuffy head at bay, which is bliss.

Finally hitting the grocery store after work today to stock up on healthy stuff...no more of this eating-out nonsense...

For Alexa, I hear ya...

And the requisite winter shot:

Image from here.

The hard times

2012-01-23T10:45:00.000-08:00

There won't be much to post this week. Everything is rather sad and scary, and we have no choice but to push through it.

Les stayed in SC, helping the family.

Dad J. has deteriorated markedly since Christmas. It's like hugging a skeleton. This isn't an exaggeration unfortunately; dude could get cast as an extra in a death camp flick. I pray they make efforts to get a feeding tube into him, because if this doesn't occur, I fear the starvation resulting from the cancer will kill him. If that happens, I also fear the family will fracture into several pieces for a while. They just won't be able to handle it, and as a result, some members will take it out on others. Even better is the fact that the family members whose relationships will fracture, live under the same roof. And all we can do is stand by and watch.

He's supposed to go to Charleston on Thursday to start a new medicine regimen. The unspoken worry is that he'll be too weak to handle whatever they throw at him.

I think I managed to catch tonsillitis over the weekend. Wonderful. If I can catch up on sleep and not get worse, the week still holds promise. I wanted to get back to eating healthy and work out a couple of times. We'll see how the energy level rallies.

I have new contacts and reading glasses. That's astigmatic contacts on top of reading glasses. This is disspiriting.

Say a prayer, light a candle.

And a new day dawns...and the wheel turns...

2012-01-20T08:35:00.000-08:00

Things don't always look better in the morning. I ain't no Scarlett O'Hara. Woke up feeling really fuzzy from sleeping so hard last night, could tell I'd been stress dreaming, and I had a headache. Also, my uvula felt like a damn golf ball from snoring hard with the windows open in 39 degree weather. And let's not forget how unruly my hair was, because it's gotten so long that I wake myself up from lying on it, so I braided it last night.

whinewhinewhine...

But life don't stop just because a family is freaking out about the ill health of a member. Work is steady. Husby got the oil changed and increased his cool points exponentially by waiting for Chipotle to open to grab me lunch. I've pulled my hair back, and am finally waking up in the ole brainpan. We'll leave for SC after I get off work.

I say freaking out, because we can't get a clear picture of what's going on up there, not really. The females of that household all have the same personality, and they feed off one another's fears and paranoia. Dad is obviously dealing with his own feelings of fear and depression, and it scares the crap out of the others. Can't wait to get up there and have to be the rock in the storm.

If he is declining, I don't expect to bring Husby back with me. He needs as much time as possible with his dad. I push this hard. Les may be scared and tired himself, and not want to deal with the family drama, but time is precious now. I tend to say how grateful I am that we got those 36 hours before my Dad went to Summerland, but in reality.....I'd give almost anything for more time.

Hug your families, folks; cherish 'em.

Image from here.

Too harsh a rant for FB

2012-01-19T12:41:00.000-08:00

WTF DO THE GODS HAVE AGAINST MY FATHERS?!?!

LES'S FAMILY IS PANICKING IN THE FACE OF DAD'S DECLINING HEALTH. DAD'S STARTING TO GIVE UP. WOULD HOSPICE HELP WITH THE DEPRESSION THAT COMES WITH THIS LEVEL OF MORTALITY? BECAUSE WAITING FOR THE NEXT REGIMEN IS GOING TO KILL HIM BEFORE THE CANCER DOES...

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE STRONG FOR LES? IT'S ONLY BEEN 4½ YEARS SINCE MY DAD WENT TO SUMMERLAND AND ANY SUGGESTION OF MY OTHER DAD LEAVING US, FORCING ME TO BE STRONG FOR OTHERS...TEARS THE SCAB OFF MY GRIEF AND LEAVES ME OPEN, RAW, SUCKING, GASPING FOR RELIEF...WHILE THE PAIN SEARS AND I HEAR SCREAMS INSIDE MY HEAD...WE ARE SUCH SELFISH CREATURES, BUT SERIOUSLY, I GET THAT THIS ISN'T ABOUT ME...I'M JUST COMPLETELY WORRIED ABOUT MY ABILITY TO BE THERE FOR LES, MY ABILITY TO STAND STRONG AND ABSORB HIS PAIN.....

I WANT TO SCREAM SO FUCKING LOUD!!!!!

I hope the reason i'm such a mess now is so that I'll be able to be a rock later...whatever, it's just frustrating. Can't stop crying, and I'm stuck at work. Makes it hard to communicate with coworkers...and how the fuck can i concentrate on site modifications, when all i want is to be home lighting candles and Tebowing.....

FUCK!!!

Better

2012-01-19T09:01:00.000-08:00

Again.

I awoke this morning to a clear head. Once I got moving, I was a little fuzzy around the edges, but that's because my eyes are still being ornery, so I tried wearing my glasses for the first part of the day. That lasted less than 4 hours. I swear my eyes like contacts better sometimes...they protect my eyes. With glasses on, my left eye wouldn't stop weeping. Weird.

Thursdays before pay day are always hopeful. There's the anticipation of filling the fridge with some fresh veggies and getting the rest of the bills out of the way. There's the bliss of 2 days off to think and make lists. Doesn't always happen, but it's nice to anticipate better organization than I'm currently living under. Kitchen still needs attention too.

There's the relief of having my body chemistry back to my version of normal.

Too bad the Blogger doesn't support animated GIFs...that pic is actually snowing, and it's purty.

Have a great day, y'all!

Image from here.

Taking Stock

2012-01-18T16:51:00.000-08:00

Well. I'm here.

But first, a side note...

To the makers of Paxil, who still insist on putting out propaganda implying that their medication is not physically addictive:

Go fuck yourselves.

Sincerely, Melanie Johnson (aka Ember Madrone)

We return you now to your regularly scheduled Taking Stock. Warning: stream of consciousness occurring...

It's been a fun day. I've been on 1 a day with my Paxil for about a week, due to poor money management and having to wait for our new FSA (flexible spending account) card to come in the mail. That's usually not a problem, been doing it on and off this past year, because I don't want to be on a full dose if I ever do become pregnant, so I see living on 1 a day as emotional progress (yes, I know, bullshit...but let's move on, shall we?).

So the card came in the mail, I breathed a sigh of relief, and hit the Walgreen's on the way to work this morning to pick up my meds, only to discover that it's been a week since the darn things were filled, so they'd shelved 'em and had to refill 'em. I wasn't about to wait around and be late to work, so I just said I'd pick them up after.

You'd think after more than 10 years of taking the stuff, I'd remember how my brain doesn't appreciate being off it.

I'm already at a disadvantage lately with my eyes too. The ole eye prescription has definitely changed, because wearing my regular contacts and sitting at my computer for 8 hours at a stretch has been producing headaches, floaters, and serious concentration issues. Today was a little better, because I only put one astigmatic contact lens in, gave the other eye a straight myopia lens. Seemed to help, thank goodness...but I still got a mini eye migraine around 3 and wondered how the hell I was going to survive wearing glasses to work, because I really should probably be doing that instead...luckily, Walmart called this afternoon and squeezed me in for this Saturday. Yes, that's right, Walmart Vision actually called me back. I'm still in shock.

So I'm having trouble reading the goddamn screen this afternoon, plowing through Mods, and I realize I'm starting to feel the effects of not having Paxil in my system. It really is a medical oddity that I'm so large, because the way my body metabolizes stuff is insanely fast. My concentration went way haywire and it was all I could do to get my work done. I was starting to fidget, my arms and hands felt like they needed to be shook out, and I ached to be elsewhere. Like roller skating through a mall or something. The tangents my brain goes off on...it brought back memories of college, and that ain't exactly a good thing. By the end of the day, I was starting to physically ache and holding off urges to self-harm.

You will be happy to read that I have since taken my Paxil, as well as a happy pill to take the edge off, and I should be back on kilter (aka, my version of normal) come tomorrow. However, it brings home once again that I'm a bipolar nutbar, Paxil is a physically addictive medication, and the people who manufacture it are douche canoes.

Thanks to the Bloggess for that gem of a phrase.

Moving on!

Outside: rainy and cool. Today was also a reminder that I have no business not wearing my orthotics in my shoes (lord, but I'm an old fart!). I skipped 'em yesterday in favor of flats, and my left knee was arthritic all day today. Going to make appointment for podiatrist to get new ones (orthotics, not knees), as the old ones can't be worn without socks.

Inside: a little glum...will get to that in Hoping.

Wearing: eh, we'll skip that this week...you don't need to hear how since we don't have kids, home is a pants-optional domicile...heheh, ooops......

Creating: second sock, Cozy...Cozy, second sock...

Reading: explicably enjoying Amish fiction, grabbed a trilogy outta the library on the Kindle. Pile o' library books getting varied stages of attention as well...

Going: me, nowhere...Husby, maybe SC...

Hoping...
Dad J in holding pattern, which isn't doing him or the immediate family any good. They are planning to start a new regimen in another week, but his looks declined enough to scare Mom and get her calling docs, and his regular oncologist recommended hospice again. Wish we were there to advise her better, because I'd have told her to not even call that office, to get information from the Charleston docs...

Husby's feeling the fear and sadness, I can tell. I hope they ask him to go up there, because he should be closer to his Dad, regardless of how things pan out. This sucks. Keep us in your prayers please.

Image from here.

Tuesday

2012-01-17T09:48:00.000-08:00

The passage of time gets on my nerves.

Well, actually, it's spending said time on unfulfilling work that gets on my nerves.

Took a mental health day yesterday and then did very little. Plowed thru dishes (twice), made dinner, did laundry...but when I was idle, I was gaming on the Kindle (straining my already tired eyes), rather than reading library books or knitting. Even my idle time doesn't measure up to my high standards lately.

I'm restless as hell.

This is gonna be a "random notes" sort of post...

Can't believe how the NFL playoffs are shaping up. Really thought this would be a Packers/Saints Super Bowl.

Sad that Jon Huntsman pulled out of the GOP race. He was the only candidate on that side of the aisle with active grey matter, IMO.

Dad J. is going ahead with 2nd opinion treatment, as far as we know. All prayers continued welcome.

My cute, warm, fuzzy Mommie turned 70 yesterday. Pretty sure we're all in denial about it. Lil Sis treated her to some spa time. Wish I were there to pamper her too.

Yesterday's mental health day had almost nothing to do with the NCIS MLK Day marathon on USA...

Pretty sure I dreamt last night that I was in med school, and House was my mentor. I really gotta wean off the TV...

And crack the library books I brought home Saturday...

And put down the Kindle in favor of the yarn more...

Thanks for checking in!

Image from here.

Better (and ready for the weekend!)

2012-01-13T09:31:00.000-08:00

Grandfather Mountain this morning, courtesy of said Mountain's Facebook page. Makes me want to buy a 4-wheel drive vehicle, some snow tires, and go for a drive...

Hilarious how it takes your body truly rebelling against your unintelligent choices for the reality to sink in...

I've never been diagnosed pre-diabetic, mainly b/c I'm in denial about it and my fasting blood sugar usually is like, 100...but boy, take 1 day of stupid choices and my body TELLS me now.

This isn't a bad thing.

Wednesday was an OK day, but out of laziness, made 2 stupid choices: burger and fries for dinner that night, and the pint of Haagen Daz that evening, late.

Thursday, I was deeply depressed. Chalked it up to my poor choices the previous day, plus the aforementioned emotional baggage, and treated myself to Chipotle to raise my spirits. I usually get a burrito bowl, which for me is white rice (personal choice, as they do serve brown rice now), black beans, chicken, medium green salsa, cheese, and sour cream. And let's not forget their yummy, 500-calorie bag of chips on the side (which I use as edible utensils).

Usually the green salsa is strong enough to give me a lift that lasts the afternoon; that stuff is a frickin' aphrodisiac. Instead, I was practically narcoleptic, could barely work, and hated food/life by the time work was out for the day. I juiced my dinner, as well as today's lunch, and am finally feeling better. The problem with turning so many corners in your life, is eventually you realize you're walking in circles.

So let's break it down a bit, shall we? The burrito bowl is 2 portions of food, not 1, if we're honest with ourselves. White rice over brown is simple starch (plus probably bleached, but I'd like to think Chipotle steers clear of that nonsense). Beans and chicken are a double shot of protein, with more starch. Cheese and sour cream have some protein, but really are just healthy dollops of not-so-great fats (so that if they haven't salted the chicken too much, as all restaurants are wont to do, don't worry - the inflammation and mucus will show up, thanks to the dairy).

The self-loathing that accompanies overeating is crushing. I'm so glad that my OA books arrived yesterday. I started reading last night, and I'll start the workbook this weekend. I'll also get back to the Y. I'm looking forward to making better food choices for both Husby and I in the coming week. I wish I could afford Heather's upcoming workshop; instead I'll read everything I can get my hands on, on eating well for health. I'm paying my library fine and getting back there today after work. Bloggers are in full "it's January, let's get organized" mode, and I plan to steal all kinds of ideas and information from them. I will not do this to myself anymore. One day at a time.

Pensive, grumbly...

2012-01-12T07:33:00.000-08:00

There's a scene in Season 1 of Scrubs.....

Turk wants to give Carla a nice pen, but doesn't have time to shop. He sees a nice one in the hospital's lost and found box, wraps it, and gives it to her. Finds out later that that's not a lost and found box, it's an "ass box," the box where the ER docs put stuff that they have extracted from people's rear ends. He runs through the hallways praying to God for her not to open the gift, and when he finds her and she's got it unwrapped and is so grateful to him, he looks up to the heavens and asks God: "were you THAT busy?"

That's how last night's knitting felt.

No fault of my pals. Felt good to be out in public and knitting with friends again. The conversations are hilariously random, and knitting is centering me nicely.

Just the wrong week for me to find out that an acquaintance is pregnant, the result of an "ooops! no condom!" moment.

Was driving home and asking God, "really? couldn't have spared me that?"

It hurt more than it should. Also allowed me to cave to emotional eating...was like, "I want a latte but it's too expensive and I'll never get to sleep, I want a happy pill but it's too late and I'll never get to sleep.....Haagen Daz, it is!" Ate the whole damn thing.

These issues will be explored in the coming weeks, as I study the OA books that are supposed to arrive in the mail today.

I'm just still in information overload mode. There are so many obstacles to hurdle in our quest for a child. Finding the money. Educating ourselves. Tests for his fertility. Tests to see where the fibroids are and if they'll need to be removed, because if they're located in certain areas, then embryos won't implant. And let's not forget that pesky 5½ year window...the horribly short amount of time we have left.

So I'm sad today, and grouchy. Looking forward to the weekend, so we can plan some more, really look at where we're going. Finding the dough for a move and a child at the same time is almost laughable, but I won't give up hope until we've truly exhausted all our options. Trials bring faith.

Taking Stock

2012-01-11T09:04:00.000-08:00

Snow's pretty weak so far this year, from what I've read, except for that early freak storm in the southwestern US. I don't bang the global warming gong that often, but it's hard not to when the polar bears are running out of room on the ice, and places like Canada and Maine have barely seen the white stuff yet this winter. Keep denying though, Republicans...it gives us liberals good sound bite fuel.

::jumps down from soapbox::

Outside: trying to be Florida's version of winter...failing for the most part, but temps are dipping again later this week. I'll take it.

Inside: noisier lately...boss is out of office, so coworkers get chatty. Earplugs help...forgot my iPod.

Wearing: purple mock turtle, jeans, Docs. I'm in love with mock turtles...need about 11 more (and then to move somewhere where they'll actually get worn more than 2 months outta the year).

Creating: second sock! True to my word, for once, started the 2nd as soon as I finished the first. Working ribbing, and plan to dip into Cozy again soon. Finding that the knitting is settling my brain this week, which is nice.

Reading: more blogging than books this week...Ashley's book still getting mileage, and bringing out Made from Scratch again...

Going: knitting with the gals tonight...otherwise, hopefully sticking to home.

Hoping...
Mom and Dad J. head to Charlotte tomorrow for a 2nd opinion on his cancer. I pray that this doc visit brings better options than his original practitioners, who aren't giving him a whole lotta decent choices, as I'd mentioned previously. Wish Les could go with them...hell, wish I could go with them...cuz the questions that come up after one of these visits, that go unanswered...it's frustrating.

Brought up the point to Les last night, that we don't want to bring a baby home to our current apartment. He agreed, but considering how long it'll take for us to save for either a move or a procedure...there's just so much to consider. Les knows he needs to be looking for work, but his folks' situation is tenuous right now, where he needs to be ready at a moment's notice, in case he needs to jump on a train and go help them out. We're encouraging them to get one of the other family members back driving again, to spell off Mom (that's a huge wooley situation that I won't go into here, but suffice it to say, it would certainly help initially if another family member was able to drive). So we're in a holding pattern of sorts for now, where Les looking for work is concerned. Classic that he's finally almost ready to start looking and we need to hold off temporarily...now if I can just get him to a dentist...

I think my eye prescription is changing. It's a month early, dang it, so trying to look away from screen more to readjust eyes...tried out reading glasses with plain contacts this morning, but it's not working. Should be able to tough it out...just means only wearing contacts to work for now.

Just poking my head in...

2012-01-10T09:33:00.000-08:00

Having trouble thinking in straight and clear sentences this week. This isn't a bad thing...just a bit of brain overload. I'm trying to prioritize things in my head, and there's plenty that Husby and I still have to talk about. Makes me annoyed when I have to go to work, because I'd rather be planning our futures...

We went to the fertility doc yesterday. I can't look upon what was discussed as bad news, but there were surprises. I had already steeled myself for the fact that the low prices that he advertises on his website are designed to get you in the door, but it was still a shock...the average "procedure" costs at least $13K. And this is still a far cry from what the average adoption costs (private adoption of an actual baby, you're looking in the neighborhood of $35-$50K). I get that these are ballpark figures, that if we went the foster care route, it would probably be cheaper and at least initially result in a stipend to offset costs; but we're not there yet.

Then there's the fact that thanks to my age and PCOS (mainly my age), it's a better option to go with donor eggs than my own. With my own eggs, there's a much greater chance of miscarriage or it not taking at all. That hurt...he talked about how because it grows inside you, they are finding that donor eggs do retain characteristics and IQs of the parents wanting the baby...but it took a bit of time for me to warm to that idea. And I ache that my genetics wouldn't fully be in the picture.

Things sink in, in stages. Yesterday it was all about "where the hell are we gonna come up with $13K?!" My stock options are worth less than $3K at present, and that's our only nest egg. Today, I'm looking at things with a longer eye, and I itch to discuss it with Husby more.

Because if we're honest with ourselves, there's no way we want to bring a child into that apartment. It's filthy and ancient, and no amount of cleaning would change that. It needs things that the complex wouldn't be willing to invest in while we're still there (carpet, fridge, W/D connections that pass code, fresh paint, new cabinets, etc.)...so does that mean that moving should still be #1 on the list? And if so, then here or further north? We both want to get closer to family, I know that; so I think I can keep talking SC with him...especially given his Dad's tenuous health. It's just so scary to continue to place a child on the back burner in the interests of giving said child a real home. Your average fertility specialist only works with women up to age 48.

Les will lament how much OT dough we blew last year, when we could have been saving. I won't let him; I can't think that way, only ahead. What can we do without, sell, etc. to get us saving? It's absolutely infuriating that it takes this kind of shakabuku to get me to see what we can do without. I see red, thinking about how much we piss money away in the interests of hedonism. And I damn sure am done letting my Starbucks and Chipotle cravings keep me from the possibility of a better home or a child.

I've declared a moratorium on all eating out and had already promised no new purse purchases this year (for other reasons)...we're down to our last car payment, and I'll give up the Y in favor of walking and in-home weights and yoga. The tax return will help, but not nearly enough...we have to purchase a new vacuum cleaner and save for the car property taxes. There's not a lot we have worth selling, but our lifestyle is getting a major overhaul in the coming weeks. I'm so fucking ready.

Image from here.

One Word 365, aka I am SUCH a sheep.....

2012-01-06T12:09:00.000-08:00

So it turns out the reason I'd heard something about people living their lives according to one word, or keeping one particular word in mind, or something, is cuz it's a blogger's movement out there...

I'm a follower and a bit of a joiner...comes with the penchant for web stalking. Since this idea's actually working for me so far this year, why not give it some props.....

Last year I was one of those people who wished she could make the time to meditate. I study Tibetan and zen buddhism (among other faiths), and desire that level of quiet in my head and in my life; but putting forth the effort always tripped me up. Because it does take effort...sometimes the hardest thing you can do for yourself is just sit still. Never mind that my lithium-deprived brain is always goinggoinggoing.....look up "monkey mind" in the dictionary and you'll see a picture of me. Be kind, please...it wasn't my best side.

So when the word "peace" popped into my head in the last week, it sounded like a damn gong. But instead of putting more pressure on myself and my wallet by dropping everything and going out to buy a zafu, zabuton, and earplugs, I simply started listening to myself inside. In the choices I make about what food goes into my body, how I choose to spend my time...I take a deep breath and listen. It's palpable, how far inside that peace extends when you let it.

Last night, Husby had to run an errand. My bro still had one of the keys to our house from when he checked on the cat while we were gone over the holidays, so I was cleaning dishes in the kitchen while keeping an ear out for Husby returning, so I could open the door for him. I slipped onto the bedroom chair to glance out the window at the parking lot, and the cat (Fig, aka "lap whore") saw her opportunity and jumped onto my leg. I say leg, because I wasn't in lap mode with one leg crossed...but she just balanced herself on one of my legs and lay herself down on my belly and chest as though staking a claim. I let out an exasperated sigh and tried to talk her out of her current position..."dude, i'm in the middle of cleaning......can't even reach the remote......i left the light on in the kitchen.....", but naturally, as cats are wont to do, she completely ignored me, readjusted herself on my belly, and set to purring. She's still having flea issues that have her grooming too much and covered in little scabs under her fur, so I didn't have the heart to just dump her off.

Instead, I moved my legs, shifted her into lap mode, and started petting. Blocked out the TV on in the other room, blocked out the electricity I was wasting by having the kitchen light on with nobody in there. Just talked to her and myself in low tones while checking out her sore spots and letting myself relax. And realized this was exactly what I needed at the time...that meditation is so much more than forcing yourself to sit, eyes ahead, hands in specific positions, turning your mind over and over to blank.

People are always talking about relaxing more, but I'm betting so many don't do it enough because they've plain forgotten how. Our cat is a little bipolar (heh, like her owner), and her mercurial moods can make her a pest. But looking into her eyes last night, I was struck by how we need each other. I can't wait to have more animals someday, but for now, she and Les are the only things I'm caring for (per se). And just stopping to care for her gave me peace. We sat there at least 15 minutes, until Les came home. The TV stayed off in the bedroom; I just sat and petted and thought.

Peace. Working like hell for it to stick around.

The Deliciousness of Friday...

2012-01-06T09:43:00.000-08:00

Welcome, once again, to my rambling brain.....

Glad it's Friday...may as well enjoy the lack of OT while I have it. Two-day weekends were damn hard to come by this past autumn. I'm almost grateful to have my paycheck back to dismal, because it's forcing me to look at the month with a long eye and actually budget, so we're not completely desperate come rent time. I know, what a concept!

My personality is downright mercurial. My family thinks I'm a little harsh, quite a cynic, and my sarcasm can bite at times. But I'm also so completely easygoing, it baffles me when people get het up over small things. My team was asked to physically split up for a time; they're hiring so fast, there are barely desks to accommodate the surge. I guess I understand why certain people wouldn't want to move, as some of the youngsters have become good friends and formed a clique of sorts. I was the first one to volunteer to move. While it's nice having my current window seat, it also affords me a view of the back of the hospital and a front-row seat every time LifeFlight comes in for a landing. I don't need reminders of the tragedies that can befall people.

Besides, I'm betting it'll motivate me to work harder, being away from the team; because the last thing you want is to be caught screwing around when you don't have people looking over your shoulder. And it's noisy enough over there where I'll need to wear my earphones more, so I'll be more focused. Yea, that last one smacks of optimism....please allow me my delusions.

But the boss had the other folks draw straws for who else had to move and you'd think they were being asked to move outside.....what the hell does it matter where you sit? This is a job, not a social club. IMO, there should have been 3 volunteers.....someone asks you to do something at your work; you don't whine, you jump. Is this a generation gap thing, or am I just a people-pleasing person who's good at following orders? Can't be that 2nd one...I've reflected quite a bit on how glad I am I never joined the Army Reserves (it was an option 15 years and 100 pounds ago), because being forced to operate without questioning anything would've gone WAY against my grain. I am a bit of a people pleaser though.

In other news.....

It's funny how ideas take shape in your head. My pacifism has made me anti-gun for some time now, and this was a rigid belief. Not even for target practice, not even for food...which was hypocritical on its face since I'll never be a vegan probably and I still ingest mostly factory-farmed dreck. But when you're supporting a family of 2 with 1 underpaying job, your ethics yield at the shopping cart unfortunately, unless you plan very carefully (which I'm hoping to do more of, cuz I'm really tired of eating CAFO meat).

Naturally, this has also been a time when Husby has been obsessed with obtaining his first firearm. He loves guns, watches the Military Channel rather religiously, and spouts caliber differences that sail right over my head. My gun knowledge is limited to the 12-gauge, the .22, and the official Red Ryder BB gun with a compass in the stock and this thing which tells time.

When we attended our first gun show last month, I felt myself thaw just a bit...probably because there was just so much eye candy there, and I was raised by a hunter (ducks for sport), so I found myself a bit curious. Then yesterday, I read Ashley's first article in Verve, and for some reason, it woke up another part of me...the part who wants to understand more fully the hunt and gratitude to an animal for giving its life, the circle that feeds and clothes us. I've read Jenna posts about this mindset before too, but Ashley's words, and the books that are available of late on the subject, reached into my homestead-craving brain and reshaped my beliefs on the subject.

I think this will be a good weekend. There's reading, knitting, and cleaning to be done...I'd love to get at the corners of the kitchen, and the bedroom closet has ceased to be a walk-in recently. I want to try making bread again too; last weekend's effort was a dismal failure (I called it twice-risen ass...this wasn't an exaggeration). My mind still feels clear and at peace. Such a relief.

Image from here.

Mental meanderings

2012-01-05T09:38:00.000-08:00

If I can't live in snow, I'd just like to be able to drive to it occasionally. I think I can live with that. That's why just getting past the Sandhills of the Carolinas appeals to me. Actual cool weather in winter, close enough to drag Husby for a ski trip occasionally.....my knees hurt just thinking about it, and I grin ironically. I was so damn young the one time I went skiing in CT; we were maybe 14. Can you imagine what a workout that would be now? Where do I sign up?

I mean, heck, even parts of Canada got a green Christmas this year. Was riding up in the elevator with some suits this morning who were talking about the trips they took over the holidays. I was struck by how both of them discussed how on the way to or from visiting family, they stopped at our satellite offices for one reason or another...we have several offices spread throughout the US and Canada now (but nooooo, can't be bothered to expand to the Carolinas yet! heh...sorry, digressed there.....). I remember desiring to be that type of suit, someone who was forced to travel for their job, who lived for their work. When I was a kid, I was going to be a high-powered attorney who wore a suit to work everyday. Interesting how different childhood dreams can be from eventual adult desires.....I'm not afraid of responsibility, but that type of life simply couldn't appeal less to me now.

Plus I totally dig getting to wear jeans to work.

Not normally one to adopt a particular word or phrase to live by in the New Year.....I do write resolutions, and usually break them very quickly. This year, it appears I'm turning a corner. Not only are the resolutions still sound, but I find myself working on a particular word: peace. It relates to my renewed faith, whatever that is; and my desire to treat myself right. Peace around me, but most importantly, within myself. It started in the weeks before Christmas, and on New Years, I hit the ground running.

My faith is a combo plate of paganism, buddhism, and quakerism. Semi-related to this and my health, I started researching the tenets of Overeaters Anonymous.....my behavior toward food had been significantly bingeworthy over the last year. I don't purge, just inhale food like it'll be gone tomorrow, and then wonder why my weight never changes. I hoarded food occasionally, hid it from Husby (telling myself it was for his own good, since chocolate exacerbates his migraines.....how's that for rationalization?), and grazed until I was uncomfortable, at work and at home. Pretty sure I came close to endangering myself a time or two...when you've eaten so much that you need to sleep propped up, because your organs don't appreciate the decreased space, you know you have a problem. So I finally sought help...haven't been to a meeting yet, but they offer plenty of online assistance. The tenets are basically the same as those for AA/Friends of Bill W......

The odd thing is the feeling of peace that's come over me since I started studying their material. It's not even like I've sat there, read stuff aloud, and physically given my problem to the gods yet...I'm just scratching the surface. But something obviously has resounded deep within me, because I haven't snacked for 5 days now. I eat a regular breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and have no desire to pour food into my body beyond what's needed to sustain energy, alertness, etc. If I'm hungry between meals, I take a breath, try some water, and listen to my body. I'm experiencing a willpower that hasn't shown its face before, and I'm in tune with a voice deep inside me that's saying "you're done treating yourself like hammered shit".

It feels pretty good.

Images from here.

Taking Stock

2012-01-04T12:14:00.000-08:00

And another Wednesday is upon us. Wish I were curled up at home with the above items, but work beckons.....

Trying not to think about the subject matter of last post...what will happen will happen.

Outside: warming, 50s today...transplants whining, me grinning...

Inside: bored, wanna be elsewhere.

Wearing: ancient slate blue sweater, black pants, everyday oxfords.

Reading: Canning & Preserving with Ashley English and the latest issue of Mother Earth News. Seriously awesome.

Creating: finishing a plain vanilla Harlot sock in yummy discontinued browns in Felici...making myself start the 2nd sock as soon as the first one's done. Also drawing up plans for a handsewn Kindle case and brainstorming other nifty things, like doing handmade gift tags in January for next Christmas...I'm so tired of not doing stuff I want to do around the holidays. Only way I'll pull it off evidently is with serious prior planning. Time to let my Virgo out!

Going: hopefully nowhere for a week or two, but will depend on family sitch.

Hoping.....
See last post. Otherwise, I'm just getting back to normal here, work, occasional exercise, eating habits under scrutiny. Started fresh on New Year's Day and haven't been grazing during day or TV time. Feels good.

Images from here.

Contemplative

2012-01-03T13:39:00.000-08:00

What would you do if faced with your own mortality?

See, I'm such an editor, that statement by itself bugs me, since we all know that one day we're going to leave this Earth.....but unless faced with the question somehow, we blithely go about our business, tra-la-la, for the most part, not "living each day as if it were your last" because that's just too damn exhausting to even think about.....

I know, far too deep a topic for right after New Years. But unfortunately, some family news has my brain wheels turning hard.

My FIL's doctors have given him bad news with regard to his cancer. They've given him choices A, B, and C. Choice A means the same or worse pain than he's already been experiencing, with no guarantees. Choice B could mean less discomfort, but also a lot less chance of it actually working. Choice C angers the crap out of me: hospice.

I know I'm not living it. I know it's his decision. I pray they at least get a second opinion before deciding anything.

But my gods! Those are the choices!? After only 7 months of fighting this thing!

I don't want to hear some oncologist tell me that we're lucky to have gotten that. We're talking about a medical group that claimed they couldn't pinpoint where the cancer originated, and then proceeded to switch his chemo to something that was supposedly more focused on his cancer. That alone is frustrating in its ambiguity, but I fear that the fact that we catch everything at third and fourth hand (because of our physical distance from the situation) means that we're not getting the full scoop. It's not that they're keeping stuff from us; it's just that they (the inlaws) don't have the language for what's going on. I could tell from the start that the new chemo wasn't doing anything except destroying his lymphatic system (yea, yea, I know I'm not a doctor...shut up!), but by not being there to call the docs on that fact, get further explanations for their reasoning, we're kind of cast adrift, on the sidelines looking in. Very frustrating.

With Dad, there were no choices. Or if there were, he'd already made them for us. I don't really know if the docs wanted to operate again on his bum aorta or if he was too far gone to risk their surgical stats. I tend to blame him, for his fear of dying on the table, but more likely, the docs wouldn't even have taken the chance...and then he went so fast.....

But with Dad J., there are choices. And I need to reconcile myself with the idea that what I would choose won't necessarily be what he chooses. And I need to help my beautiful husband, the man's son, come to the same realizations eventually.

I'm very lucky. I've never experienced physical pain, not really. The closest I've come to take-your-breath-away pain is when my knee locks, and that's infrequent. Everything else I experience is just nagging or chronic. So I can't relate to Dad J. in that respect, when the choices are the fog of morphine or the sharpness of true pain.....

I'm scared that he's tired of fighting. I pray that's not the case.

And because we are terribly self-centered humans, these thoughts bring me inward, to my own life, the life I share with L, and how badly I want things to be different. We are so stuck here. I don't just want to move to Spartanburg because we're in such a rut here and I hate Florida. I want to move there because it's closer to family and closer to an area of the country where I desperately want to live, a place with a more temperate climate, some hills, and away from the awfulness of a big city. I want to live simpler, make more things by hand, and live in a house with a yard. And what's it gonna take to move us forward? What if we were faced with those choices?

First image from here. Rest from here.

Home

2011-12-29T09:20:00.000-08:00

Bone tired. Very grateful. Good trip. Dad home from hospital.

I could easily end it there in favor of a nap, but I'll attempt elaboration. I guess quite a bit of traveling, lots of stairs, and 7 hours in a car take it outta ya, cuz I've never been so grateful to not have to turn around and go right back to work. I'm off til Tuesday. I could cry with relief.

My brain is slowly waking up. We're in the 2011 home stretch, and I'm a resolutions maker. There are very specific things I want to accomplish next year. It'll be a list-making weekend. We'll recover and turtle, for the most part. Decadence.

I got some really great pressies, and there's holiday money burning a hole in my pocket. But I'll give any purchases serious thought. This ain't the time for an impulse purse. I oughta squirrel it all away, as I anticipate OT disappearing in the new year and I don't like to think about how hard it is to live on just what I make. Les will be looking again next year, but that's a part-time solution when we have some big-ass goals in mind. So much thinking and planning to occur...

I never take enough pics at the holidays, but those two just get me...the niece in all her splendor. We got her the stuffed fox for Christmas, which was a definite hit.

Contemplative...and excited about Christmas!

2011-12-22T13:25:00.000-08:00

Yes, I called it Christmas. Yes, I'm a pagan who normally says "Happy Holidays" now. I may be celebrating the Solstice today, but it'll always be the Christmas season. I mean, really, what's in a name? Sure, it's named after a particular story in the Bible that I choose not to believe in, but Christmas is so much more than that. I hope to celebrate Yule and St. Nicholas' Day in the future as well. Why not? It's about so much more than Christianity this month...there are levels of different faiths and the beauty of the Santa myth that demand this month of quiet contemplation.

The AHA moment came earlier today, when I realized that what I'm feeling, this quiet, this wanting to live more simply, making time for more at-home work like bread making, knitting, small projects.....is spurred by the holiday, but indicative of how I wished I lived my life. I want so badly to slow down a bit, to rely a pinch less on technology for entertainment (yes, I just got a Kindle Fire, but reading a book is quite a different brain activity than harvesting 4 different frickin' farms on Farmville). I have too many time sucks in my life. This solstice season is going to be about assessing, taking quiet note of my life, and writing down specific areas for this "improvement".

I've been baking this week for the holidays. I come home from work and get moving in the kitchen. It's taking away from my TV time, but not necessarily my relax time. Not a bad thing at all. While I certainly want to do the bulk of the baking/cooking on the weekends, I understand now that it can be done and it doesn't have to require a holiday celebration to happen.

Husby's family is stricken this season; it sounds like they're becoming obsessed with worry about Dad's health. I understand where it comes from, but it isn't healthy, and I wish I could counsel them on letting go a bit. Instead I'll bring my good mood to SC and try my damnedest to help out while I'm there and spread the cheer. At least this year I'm not faking it. I'm in a good place, a real holiday mood for the first time in years. I pray it sticks around.

Happy holidays, y'all! Hug your families tight!

Image of greens on gifts from here. Other two images from here.

Taking Stock

2011-12-21T08:26:00.000-08:00

The Holidays. Need I say more?

Eh, I will anyway, you know that (::wink::).....Squeezing in 4 hours of OT this week between regular work, baking, and wrapping. Actually, that's a lie; the wrapping hasn't occured yet. Trying not to leave everything til Friday night, but my energy only stretches so far.

Not doing cookies this year. Seems unnatural, but really, with the traveling we're doing and as busy as I am right now, it's not worth the effort. Instead there's pound cake, and I hope to do peppermint bark and this nutella-sea salt fudge. We'll see...

Outside: I'm hoping the overcast conditions keep it from actually cranking up to 80 today. I fear I'm fooling myself.

Inside: low chatter, boredom, little sleepy...

Wearing: fat pants, brown shoes, blue top and favorite paisley over it.

Reading: A Simple Amish Christmas...sweet story. Gotta love Kindle freebies.

Creating: Ina Garten's pound cake the last 2 nights...prob 1 more night of that, then the candies.

Going: SC prob Saturday morning til Monday, then NC (via Spartanburg hopefully) til Wednesday, then home

Hoping...
For a holiday of peace, and prayers that next year we're in Spartanburg celebrating our own holidays for the first time, with simpler side trips to visit family. I'm a selfish girl, desperate for a house with a backyard for my future dog and garden.

Image from here.

Random Thoughts during OT

2011-12-15T16:17:00.000-08:00

In Melanie's world, there are piles and piles of books. And Starbucks. And giant pillow chairs for sitting......

I've made myself a career as an editor. I correct other people's writing. I can accept that I haven't written my great American novel yet, because I've been too busy correcting other people's writing and earning a semi-decent wage in the process. And lack o' lithium makes me scatty and easily distracted by the shiny. And because my great American novel is still trapped on a 3½ inch floppy. And it needed a serious edit 5 years ago.

Just one thing....can we do anything about how incredibly f**king boring it is?!

My job, not the novel....novel's quite witty actually...if I can ever get it off the f**king disc!

Admittedly, my sitch is a little unique. I work for the Henry Ford of website companies. We crank out semi-decent, mostly templated masterpieces by the truckload that small to medium sized businesses snatch up for around $100 a month, because it turns out this Internet thing isn't going away, and some salesperson told them there's a chance their profits could increase by utilizing this perplexing tool.

It is perplexing to lots of small businesses out there still...the number of sites we get, with notes like: "customer does not receive email" or "customer does not own computer" boggles the mind. How the frick do you own a business nowadays without a computer? We talking paper book ledgers here or just a serious aversion to receiving spam, viruses, and chain letters? I may cringe at how technology has taken over our daily lives, but I also freely admit to loving my Kindle, my Internet trolling abilities, and my nifty new cell phone, which isn't even "smart," (thank goodness) but does have a full keyboard for texting now. Yes, Husby and I have joined the texting craze. It's rather pukeworthy in its adorableness. How 2 people can be married for (...6, 7, 8...) 12 years and still render each other squishy with little love notes isn't something I ever want to question. But I digress...

I like to think editing would be different for a news source or a book or magazine publishing company. The stories would be ever-changing, if more depressing occasionally, and there'd be more of a feeling of having my finger on the pulse of our society. Or something.

But this "production environment" is for the birds. We crank out sites by the 100s these days. Yes, it results in a nice quarterly EBITDA; handsome, if pedestrian sites; and I certainly don't disdain my daily wage, the copious OT I've been getting lately, or the holiday bonus that I pray they're bestowing on we worthy (and weary) souls tomorrow...

But it's boring as dog snot most days, and the inability of the copywriters and designers to grasp their jobs makes us editors want to lay our heads on our desks most days, if only to keep from launching our monitors across the office in frustration.

They've also hired so many of us now (copywriters, designers, and editors) that we're sitting too close to the Copy/Design section, and eventually those poor souls (poor, not just for their inadequate writing and design skills, but for the fact that they make less than I do, and I can't imagine living on less than what I make) are going to hear us bitching about their substandard work, and the animosity will build between the teams again, making constructive feedback impossible. And then management will scratch their heads, not move any of us, and demand that we fix it amongst ourselves. Asshats.

I celebrated 12 years with the company this month. I'm just blowing off steam here....I'm on OT and a little brain-tired. In spite of my bitching, I'm immensely grateful for the experience I've gained at the .com and hope I can continue working with them, even if we move out of state. Economy doesn't play a role in my gratitude for employment (yea, OK, that's bullshit, no one's indispensible and unless you're the 1%, you're scared of the state of the economy right now). What I mean is we have a brilliant CEO at the wheel and he's surrounded himself with the right people. We've managed to grow exponentially in the last 5 years, when plenty of other website companies were passing away in the wake of Republican economic policies. That's nothing to sneeze at. It's a good place to work, albeit with the same frustrations you'll find at any office environment. I ain't that special.

But I am a good editor. And that knowledge has helped me recently, helped me let up on myself for not publishing before I was 30....or, ehem, 40 for that matter. I can't measure myself against those I admire who have managed it, to publish amidst careers, farms, small people, dreams (like Jenna, Ashley, P-Dub...love you guys!). They have brains that produce lithium, as far as I can tell. I don't know when I'll be fully medicated again, but I do know that my reasoning for not being fully medicated right now is sound, and wrapped in far too much hope and prayer to sway from, until we are certain that all natural or scientific methods have been exhausted. Man, I'm digressing tonight...just shifted to babymaking, if you didn't catch that.

So I accept my scattered personality. That ain't easy, when you were raised by a perfectionist, but by the time you're my age, you also have to stop blaming personality quirks on your parents. I've been out in the world plenty, plus parents that die before their time in my eyes get an instant pass on the bullshit they passed onto you. It's only fair. Didn't put him on a pedestal, actually; just brought things into perspective. Shitty way to learn a life lesson though...if there is a god, she and I are going to have a serious chat when the time comes.

If you stuck it out through this post, you're a true friend and I appreciate the support. My addled psyche needs a release occasionally, and y'all know I'm just journaling here. I won't cure cancer with this blog, or win bloggy awards for my insight. But I enjoy the heck out of giving you, my loyal 6½ readers, glimpses into Melanie's world...reminds me I can still write, when it feels like the only writing I do lately is correcting grammar and punctuation on yet-another frickin' auto repair or construction site.

Images from Flavorpill.tumblr.com, seasonal-home.tumblr.com, and myidealhome.tumblr.com respectively. Links stopped working for some reason...must be telling me my post is too long ; )

Taking Stock

2011-12-14T09:38:00.000-08:00

The days start to rush now. How the heck is it mid-December already? We're brainstorming about gifts and have almost everyone figured out, but I fear the shipping issue will trip me up if things don't come together quickly.

I'm too much of a former musician to ever wrap my pressies in sheet music; just liked the pic. I do like the simple wrapping ideas...may broach the subject with Husby, because butcher paper with some stamps on it and a pretty ribbon would be more my speed. The middle pic just reminds me that I really need to own a pizelle maker, cuz those cookies rock!

Outside: warming up...trying not to let in the ache that comes with that...

Inside: scattered today, but Chipotle will hopefully help.

Wearing: comfy sweater, best pants and shoes on the planet.

Reading: the occasional sociology text (man, i love my Kindle Fire!), but mostly websites with gift potential.

Creating: pound cake and cookies this weekend...and hopefully outfitting wrapping paper with my own touches.

Going: nowhere til we have to.

Hoping.....
Dad J went back into the hospital, then back out again. The chemo is definitely causing the latest symptoms, not that they're getting straight answers out of the docs to that affect. His lymphatic system can't drain the fluid fast enough, so it builds up in his body cavity. Not fun. It'll be a fast and quiet Christmas there, hopefully. Prayers that his quality of life improves. Grandma's hanging in there. We'll travel to SC Christmas Eve, stay til Monday, then head to Mom and Meara in NC til Wednesdayish, I'm thinking. Gotta nail that down. Lil Bro offered to check on the cat for us, and we'll take him up on it, but still don't like leaving her that long; plus we'll both be travel-fried by then. I am taking us through Spartanburg on the way to Charlotte. Just haven't told Husby yet >: )

Have a great week, y'all!

Images from here.

Taking Stock

2011-12-08T14:00:00.000-08:00

Yea, I'm a day late...apologies to my 6½ loyal readers.

It's been a good week, really relaxing. I've been burning PTO, because at my company, it's use-it-or-lose-it on an annual basis. Spent the last 3 days mainly puttering around the house enjoying my new Kindle Fire. Downloaded a pile of free books, a couple of apps and games, and finally figured out the WiFi with Husby's help. Gotta thank Mom J for that sucker several more times; I'm having a blast!!!

There's a delightfully blonde story behind my WiFi woes. I had connected the damn thing last week, but for some reason it wasn't working. I had originally hoped that we could finally move the computer to another part of the apartment, thanks to the WiFi. However, the first discovery was thanks to Lil Sis, the fact that our computer's so old, it doesn't have a WiFi card. OK, no biggie, we can just hook it up for the Kindle. The diagram in the instructions was fairly idiotproof, but I still wasn't getting a working signal...

Sidebar: you know how it is with new electronic toys nowadays.....there's no paper instruction manuals anymore; they just give you a manual that's already loaded into the machine, that you can fetch up whenever you need to. So when I got the Kindle, I gave that a hard skim, but quickly disposed of a more thorough perusal because a) I wanted to play, and b) I'm pretty computer literate, even if this was my first touch-screen mechanism. Ego, thy name is Melanie.

So on Tuesday, after Husby had arrived home from SC and caught up on sleep, he took a look at my setup and deemed that it should be operational. But upon picking up the router, he made discovery #2...the tiny "Wireless" button that was covered up by one of those plastic sheets they put on screens and stuff...yea, wasn't pressed in. When you're looking at the router from a distance, it doesn't look like a button; it looks like a port for something, like earbuds or something. Don't ask me why I took the button to be an earbud outlet....as we all know, routers don't exactly have "play" capability. I was doing a lot of OT last week, and the brain had definitely hit a wall.

OK, so after those discoveries, it should work, right? Wrong, still wasn't bringing anything up when I tried to access the web on the Kindle. So I begrudgingly admitted that it was time to give the User's Manual another perusal. It took maybe 2 minutes to discover that the reason it wasn't working on the Kindle was because I hadn't turned the frickin' Kindle's WiFi on!!! A quick trip into Settings, the clouds parted, my husband shook his head and sighed deeply, and I laughed at my idiocy for approximately 5 minutes...

That one's not even worth blaming on the lack o' lithium...Mom was blonde; it's a gene thing. Still pretty epic for me though, that level of dipshit.....

Outside: bliss...temps dropped last night, should be reasonable this weekend.

Inside: distracting...will be glad when people start leaving around 5 p.m., as I'm staying late tonight.

Wearing: my uniform (blue sweater, jeans, most comfy shoes on the planet)

Reading: Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin, Plato's Republic, and a pile of other social theory-type books...def going through a phase, want to come up with an idea for a thesis, once I've plowed through a bunch of preliminary texts. Kind of going back to college again, without the college.

Creating: Did a fast knit last week of a Kindle case, and have ideas for a better one that will require the sewing machine. But my main creating this weekend will be holiday prep: pound cake, sugar cookie batters, and lists and crafting ideas to narrow down what needs to be made for whom.

Going: nowhere...really enjoying being at home right now.

Hoping.....
Dad J starts feeling better. He's back in the hospital again. His symptoms flared up and it was time for his 2nd chemo on the new regimen, so they checked him in for pain management and monitoring. Sounds reasonable, but his quality of life ain't terrific right now, and they're talking about adding a pain pump outside the body, so any prayers are welcome...

My holiday spirit is growing slowly...we'll buy holiday lights and decorate a bit this weekend. I'm looking forward to being a bit more crafty this year. Normally I have great expectations and end up doing very little, but I really want to shift a bit away from the material and toward more handmade items for family. Baby steps, I know...and there are some family members that that just will never work on. Some people don't even get that baked goods should be considered part of the gift; they consider it "extra". But a girl can try.

Image from here.

Image says it all

2011-12-02T09:27:00.000-08:00

I'm so fickle. Can't stand how quickly this year went by, but I'm really digging that it's December.

Feels like a time of beginnings, for some reason. In truth, it oughta be the time of endings, of reflection and powering down a bit...but with Solstice marking the return of the Sun, I find myself looking ahead as usual, instead of looking back. Certainly, we can learn from the past; but I'm definitely in "go" mode right now.

Thinking about decorating a bit...have some small tasks to do around the house after OT tomorrow. We're completely out of Christmas lights, which sucks, as I'd love to string those around the apartment, but have to wait til next check. So I'll look thru the holiday box and grab stuff outside from nature for displaying.

Dad J improving. Husby comes home Monday. I'm off most of next week, burning PTO so I don't lose it. Gonna be a much-needed-and-deserved break.

Image from here.

Taking Stock.....or Seriously?!?!

2011-11-30T14:44:00.000-08:00

I get that I can be antisocial at times, but there are about 14 different reasons why tomorrow's a lousy day for a team potluck:

For example:

1. It's too fucking soon after Thanksgiving and no one wants to cook.

2. We all just paid rent with the last paycheck and have no funds for feeding others. Yea, OK, that's especially me...Husby's not gonna be back in town til Monday and I'm thinking of going stag to the company holiday party just for the free food....and I don't even like the food at TPC Sawgrass!

3. We're working so much OT, we don't have time in the evenings to be creative in the kitchen. They're gonna have to settle for edible.

I could go on, but I'll try to keep this rant under control. The boss threw 10 sites in my lap for completion by COB (an hour before my quitting time) and then told us 10 minutes later that the potluck was still on. Like the fact that I haven't signed up to bring something yet isn't an indication that my culinary juices are a little tapped right now...never mind that now I'll be in the office til at least 7 p.m. because I lose track of time in the evenings and don't know when to stop working...which isn't exactly a bad thing when you've promised them 10 hours of OT, but still...

There's also the irony of buying the ingredients for potluck pot pie along with a box of mac & cheese for myself, because I'll be too busy making my covered dish to feed myself properly...

Outside: blissfully, deliciously chilly!!!!! Not that I'm loving it or anything...

Inside: tech support's too noisy and i'm too ornery to put my iPod on...

Wearing: jeans, brown oxfords, favorite sweater, black scarf....if you look up me in the dictionary, I'm wearing this outfit.

Reading: Little Women on the Kindle Fire : )

Creating: a knitted case for the Kindle Fire

Going: to TPC Sawgrass Saturday night for the company holiday party...should be VERY weird without Husby : (

Hoping.....
Dad J is headed home from the hospital as I write this. They loaded him up with antibiotics, drained a disgusting amount of fluid out of his body (seriously, you don't want the details...), and showed him the door. He was in there a full week, and I still don't think they got a straight answer about what caused all his ill health.

Husby's sis broke her foot this week. Grandma can't be left alone anymore. Husby's been a little busy up there. The fine line between your own life and your life within your family...that sucker would be a lot blurrier if we lived closer. Cheapest train he could get was Sunday/Monday. Good thing, cuz we're tapped here.

So, hoping I can figure out the Wi-Fi SOMETIME this week, get some small tasks done around the house before he comes home, and get my OT done by Saturday noon.

Image from somewhere on Pinterest.

Random distractions

2011-11-29T12:12:00.000-08:00

Finally thawing about the holidays, I think....was listening to Bing's Beginning to Look a Lot like Christmas while we were buying our new phones on Saturday, and didn't have the urge to punch a baby.

Also starting to crave candy canes.

Can always count on the web to provide some truth, ah, I mean, snark about the holidays...

Have also discovered Pinterest. While I've yet to make it off their waiting list, doesn't mean I can't snitch stuff in the meantime...

What did I say?

Heh...practically have that now...

Sounds about right.....if being independently wealthy doesn't pan out, that is.....

Nerd porn, or a glimpse of the future? Time will tell....

And quite possibly the best crafty idea for the holidays.....

Giving Thanks

2011-11-28T09:39:00.000-08:00

I think this will definitely be a "count your blessings" holiday season. The economy demands it. You look around and think, at least I'm still employed, in reasonably good health, same can be said for most family and friends.....

We did go up to SC. By late Thursday, it was evident in the family tone that they'd benefit from our presence. Poor Husby fought it like the dickens, but he came around...and then fought staying like the dickens too. But he had to; Dad J's in the hospital at least another couple of days while they nail down what caused such a strong reaction to the latest chemo (was it the chemo itself, an infection on his immunosuppressed body, or something else?). While we wait for answers, it's good that Les is up there, as Mom's the only other driver in the family, plus Grandma can't be left alone anymore. They need the extra hand.

Trying to reconcile with the fact that in spite of how badly we need to be up there, closer to them, that it isn't going to happen fast. Especially if we're lucky enough to engage in IVF or some other form of fertility treatment.....I need to be realistic and patient. Not my fortés, but I'll manage. I plan to drive us through Spartanburg @ Christmastime, and I'm also planning a trip up there next May.

So the first part of Thanksgiving was normal, but by the end of the night, we were packing and planning. Friday and Saturday were full of shopping, puttering, and hospital visit trips in Augusta. In anticipation of the heinous post-Thanksgiving traffic heading south, I was in the car before 12 noon Sunday heading back to Jax; but naturally, since I was driving, traffic was a dream...only 2 slowdowns, no major backups. We've had trips back before though, where I-95 is a parking lot the minute you get on the sucker, so the early escape wasn't unwarranted.

I miss the Husby, but the cat and I will survive. I have a spankin' new Kindle Fire to play with and plenty of OT to keep me busy this week. Head's screwed on pretty straight, and I'm taking days off next week to burn PTO. Something to look forward to.

Image from here.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2011-11-24T09:03:00.000-08:00

It's a start.

First, the good news: while Dad J was admitted to the hospital last night, he's doing a lot better. He had had biopsies last week in 5 different areas of his belly. Those spots are healing, but quite painful. Add chemo and he wasn't keeping down any pain pills, so he was f**ked. They checked him in, got the morphine going, and 10 minutes later, the ole life quality was improved considerably. They'll keep him there to stabilize him and release him hopefully later today. We may not even have to go up there; we're playing it by ear. I don't mind, of course; I'm most concerned about the car (we need an oil change and 2 new tires, which probably can't be addressed for one more check) and the cat (she's holding her own, but still her own little flea factory).

There are times when being mildly bipolar is a pain in the arse. When it mucks up my holiday mood is definitely one of them.

Thanksgiving is hands-down my favorite holiday. I spend the morning and afternoon cooking. I like to have the Macy's on in the background and the dog show after it. We don't travel; I just made it that way several years ago and we've stuck with it. Les smokes a breast out on the grill, I do a couple of side dishes and that pie. We visit family at Christmastime; Thanksgiving is for us.

Having those plans possibly mucked up, it nose-dived my mood last night. I brought myself back up by cleaning the kitchen, cleaning out the fridge, and baking some banana bread; my brain was settled after that. But I feel so selfish for even feeling mopey, even if it's normal for me, and not something I can completely control. Dad's fighting for his life, and I'm whining for possibly having to travel this year. There's a lesson here.

We're waiting for my Lil Bro and his wife to stop by before they go to their respective works, the grill is lit, and I'll start on the sides as soon as I post. Santa just made his trip down Herald Square. I guess the holidays are here, whether I like it or not. Can't beat 'em, join 'em.

Hug your families, folks; we're all pretty damn precious.

Taking Stock

2011-11-23T11:50:00.000-08:00

There's a saying that the Christians lean on in times of crisis: God never sends you more than you can bear. I wonder.

As of this post, Dad J is probably spending Thanksgiving in the hospital. The latest chemo is shredding him.

I had two epiphanies in the last half hour. One is that there really oughta be a 10-year gap between any parental units leaving us. Dad J's not dying, per se; thanks to modern medicine, he could be with us another couple of decades...we just don't know. But even with 4½ years having passed since my dad went ethereal, I'm still gonna be pulling from my reserves to be strong for Les during this time. You don't get over a parent dying, you learn to live with it. It still sneaks up and knocks my wind out. I always joke that I'm superwoman, working a full-time job, supporting us both, above and beyond is my middle name. It's why I try so mightily to take care of me, because I don't mind being that strong and don't want anything to interfere with my ability to be it. But damn.....the bravado gets rocked sometimes.

The other epiphany is that I simply can't let the next lease be the goal for us moving. We need to be up there now. Les needs as much time with his dad as possible, and our credit is just gonna have to suck it, because I'm getting serious about the move. I've targeted Spartanburg for its small-town appeal, mountains, proximity to both families.....just gotta find work. I get that that ain't exactly easy in this economy, but fuckit, it's gonna happen.

Outside: supposed to drop tonight, thank goodness

Inside: i'm at work, whaddayou think...

Wearing: Thanksgiving outfit: beige slacks, brown shoes, green top, excellent autumny necklace with a big-assed maple leaf at the center.....

Reading: Spartanburg Visitors Guide

Creating: sock

Going: SC, probably Friday

Hoping: anybody who reads this says a prayer for Dad J.

Hug your families. Happy Thanksgiving!

I'm sorry, what now?

2011-11-22T09:56:00.000-08:00

Got some serious short-timer's syndrome going on here this week. Relishing the thought of 4 days off in a row, and it's making it hard to get stuff accomplished at work. And a 5-day weekend, the week after that, to burn some PTO! Gods, but I'm ready for those breaks.

Pretty sure I'm not the only one with this problem...still...

I'm going through a phase where I get tired very easily of dealing with people. It started a couple of weeks back, with that crazy crowd when Santa landed at the Avenues...and mushroomed when I hit Publix for odds and ends last night. Hadn't brought my Thanksgiving shopping list, and glad I didn't, because I may have stuck around to do the full shop and only fueled my stress level.

The. place. was. mobbed. Aisles full of tired parents lugging equally tired kids, because for some inane reason, they didn't get the shopping done on the weekend and so were doing it "early", after work, school, ballet lessons, but before dinner...so they were probably over-buying out of hunger and the kids were whining...

They should do studies about the emotional purchasing going on this holiday season, as people try to convince themselves that they're not as bad off as the economy is making them. Results would probably be rather sobering...

So I got home last night and said, there's no way I'm doing a repeat of that for our Thanksgiving shopping. But I work a regular job, and don't necessarily want to go without the car on a work day just for the luxury of having Husby do the shopping...it's a control thing. So I got up early and hit Publix when they opened this morning, and I'm so glad I did! Place was dead, and now I can look over the menu plan for Thursday and see if anything's missing, and that's that.

I struggled with buying the turkey breast this year. Next year, we're going organic or not at all. Don't tell Husby...I'll break it to him gently. Nah, JK, he won't mind...I stood over the freezer, staring at rock-hard blob after blob of factory-farmed breasts and birds. They were quite a few mishapen ones, which could've been the way they were frozen, or could've been the way they were raised. They were larger this year too, in weight...I remember from year to year, because our grill can't handle much larger than a 6 pounder...and the breasts I was looking at were too damn big. Which is the crux of the damn factory farming argument, that we're breeding these poor animals to be so large that by the time they hit the chopping block, their legs can't hold up their bodies.

I'm finally reaching a point where I'm going to have to budget our food money much more carefully. Because I would much rather have purchased an organic turkey breast, but I didn't plan well enough to pull it off this month. We're talking $1.79 a pound versus $5.69 a pound. Worth every penny, but still....

But I also need to find the extra money for little differences in our diets, like almond milk for myself and cow's milk for Les; organic almond butter for me, JIF for him; Applewood's Organic Sunday Bacon over Publix pre-fried, microwavable. (we'll both appreciate that last one). I can't do this piecemeal organic thing anymore; my conscience has a real problem with it, and besides, the good stuff's way better for me/us and the environment.

So it's a pensive week, here at Chez Johnson. I'm cooking up some naughty and nice side dishes, and the apple butter pumpkin pie has been requested (demanded) again. The weather's giving me an incredible gift in lower temps that day. We'll relax, keep the windows open hopefully, and go nowhere near the stores on Friday. There's time for all that later.

Image from The Laughter Ward on FB...can't get the link to work.

Planning

2011-11-20T07:49:00.000-08:00

I really didn't work all that much extra this week (8 hours), but the weekend has been feeling decadent in its lack of structure. I got back from work yesterday, ate and forced a nap, then made that hilariously easy and tasty McCormick's Chili. It was a puttering evening. The cat grabbed my lap for at least an hour and taught me something about sitting still.

Actually, there's plenty of structure to my day today, but the fact that I'm able to do what I want rather than work is what feels decadent. I'm going to the Y in just a bit; it's been far too long since my last workout. I'm planning a grocery shopping trip, mainly for Thanksgiving. I'm planning a fresh workout regimen and modifying my eating habits again. All that OT helped me fall off the wagon big-time, from eating red meat again to grazing on bad stuff. Changes have to occur.

My doc appt revealed good news and bad news: the cyst resolved itself, thank goodness, but the fibroids are growing. I'm ready to see a fertility specialist, made an appt; but eating a mainly vegetarian diet and exercising regularly have to improve things down there too. Making that appt for the fertility doc was such a shot in the arm, a ray of hope that I have no business rejoicing over, since my insurance likely won't cover it. But the people who say don't believe statistics...they need to remember that the damn numbers came from someplace scientific, and those numbers are saying I only have a 5% chance of conceiving naturally. I heard that number and something clicked finally. I'm a shark, always moving, always looking for the next step. That's the next step. How potential hormone injections will act in my already lithium-deprived brain isn't something I can worry about right now. It's worth it if it brings a child into our family.

It helps, having another reason for not trying for the supervisor position. In my boss's mind, I'm probably an obvious choice; been there almost 12 years, certainly have the skills. But I know I wouldn't be happy in that job, and that's what matters right now. This time, it isn't fear driving my appearance of cowardice; it's knowing I wouldn't be a good emotional and intellectual fit for the position.

Looking forward to the 3-day week. Will be nice to only work 8 hours at a stretch.

Taking Stock

2011-11-16T10:15:00.000-08:00

I love polar bears.

Outside: Not November. Mid-80s and damp, muggy.

Note from after lunch: Not damp and muggy, but rather hot and breezy. There's a stiff wind out there and the sun's pouring mid-80s warmth onto my arms as I walk out to my car at lunch today. I must begrudgingly admit that it's gorgeous out, that I'm quite spoiled, and that I might as well suck it up and enjoy it while I'm marooned here another year. Still wouldn't mind seeing snow though.....maybe in the Carolinas @ Christmastime......sigh.....

Inside: Nose. Meet grindstone. Hello OT.

Wearing: short-sleeved sweater, jeans, most comfortable shoes on the planet. They're brown, they're butch, they're me : )

Reading: Crazy Sexy. Join the Reboot.

Creating: Harlot's plain vanilla sock. Pictures soon.

Going: nowhere til the December holidays

Hoping...
Some excellent news on the inlaw's homefront: Dad J's cancer was approved for full VA benefits! They're retroactively paying them from the point of diagnosis, back in June. Dad J's a Vietnam vet with 2 Purple Hearts, so this is the Marine Corps. way of saying thanks and sorry about the Agent Orange. Also, they're finally zeroing in on the point of origin of the cancer, which means changing up his chemo for something that will specifically target the bad cells at their source. Grandma's out of the hospital and hanging on, but starting to fade a bit more, so some special prayers toward her are appreciated.

I'm not taking good enough care of myself this week yet, but the wheels are turning in my head and the shift is imminent...

Image from here.

Doing Right by Me (againagainagainagainagain.....ad infinitum.....)

2011-11-15T12:03:00.000-08:00

My totem animal in the north, my earth guardian.

My wheels are turning today, and I'm headed back to the straight and narrow path that is veganism. I see that I have to make the effort. That the decrease in inflammation alone will make me feel so much better about myself, and allow me the energy I need to get exercising daily again. These dry spells of no Y time have to stop. OT or no OT, I'm certainly organized and intelligent enough to exercise and work an extra hour here and there without it shredding me. It takes effort, is all. I have to want it enough.

My foot's finally doing better, a combination of orthotics and good shoes. Plus I think I had a ganglion on one side that was causing the worst of the pain, because since I iced it down last week, the difference in mobility/pain has been marked, thank goodness.

So I'm running out of excuses again. I found another website, two actually, that combined with Kris and Alicia's books and the spare dough we're enjoying these days, really blow all my excuses out of the water. And you can really only realize that so many times before you get completely sick of yourself.

It's time to get juicing!

Image from here.

Full of Promise Monday

2011-11-14T11:21:00.000-08:00

Was determined to start the week on a good note.

So naturally, my sleep cycle sucked last night and I had to blow off working out in the morning, so that I'd still be useful at work and not inclined to mood swings of raging bitch.

Still, it was a good weekend, filled with small tasks and a bunch of relaxing, and I feel almost prepared going into what hopefully will be a heavy work week.

I joke about being a gaming widow, but I'm not really. Husby's time in Skyrim this past weekend was peppered with breaks and signs of gratitude. I'm not neglected.

Besides, that game looks so frickin' awesome, I'm thinking of checking it out...and I'm not an RPG player. Puzzles are about my limit...mah jong, alchemy...

I picked up an ancient UFO of a sock and turned the heel this past weekend, using the Harlot's plain vanilla pattern from Knitting Rules. FINALLY, an idiotproof heel-to-gusset pattern that doesn't make the sock look like it was knit by an orangutan when I'm done with it! Looking forward to casting on the 2nd one before SSS sinks in, because the yarn's comfy looking and self-striping, and will go great with my new shoes...

Poor cat still has fleas. We took her to our remarkably fairly priced vet, and are taking the appropriate measures to make her comfortable while she heals.

Bills are paid and there's mad money to spare, but 2 new tires on the horizon and holiday gifts to start gathering...

I'm thinking about the holidays without letting it overwhelm me. I'm not ready for Christmas music yet, that's for sure, keep changing the channel when those damn materialistic and overblown commercials come on. But I want to feel the season more this year and am hoping the gradual working up to it helps with that.

Also starting to brainstorm for Thanksgiving. It's my fave and I usually try a new dish or two.

Here's to a good week!

Image from here.

Full of Promise Friday

2011-11-11T08:52:00.000-08:00

Could be. Hard to tell. We don't have much planned, but things are shifting in my head in a good way.

I might be looking at SC again. Spartanburg offers town life, mountains, and good proximity to both families.

I'm thinking about soups and stews that will appeal to Husby. He's been eating less because of his teeth, and that's unacceptable.

I actually made a list last night! Could be the start of a trend.

Light-ish OT tomorrow, so planning lots of food prep and some more book unpacking this weekend.

Dad J's chemo is changing, hopefully in a good way. Grandma's back in hospital.

I'm going to walk this weekend. I'll hit the Y at least once. I'll be kind to myself.

Thinking of my favorite veteran today: my dad.

Have a good weekend, y'all!

Image from here.

Taking Stock

2011-11-09T09:23:00.000-08:00

I'm over at Dark Meadow today bitching about my fate, as usual.....lots of "time to make this happen!" talk and a really nice-looking sheep there, if you're interested...

A fan of Mondays?

2011-11-07T09:23:00.000-08:00

I know, radical thought, huh? Like switching to decaf...or thinking of letting someone else in your party have that last piece of bread at the dinner table...crazy talk!

In my defense, I did wait until we were halfway thru our entrees before I snitched that last piece of bread Saturday night...so stop looking at me like that!

ehem...digressed there, sorry.

My mornings are spent digressing...after I wrote that, I edited a FB page, found a lost blog and started catching up...and then realized I really should be working the next site, but it's hard because Jenna's post from this weekend really yelled at me in a good way that I want to reread and think hard about, if only I didn't have to earn me some money this morning...and wait, what was I originally writing about? Heather's line at the end of today's post...

:: Ready to start a new week, I'm such a fan of Mondays.

A fan of Mondays?!

::scratches head::

It's a good thing the coffee's kicked in today, or that line could have really annoyed me.

I talk about my weekends being "full of promise," but what about the promise of a new week? Harder to look at it that way when you're chained to a cubicle and a computer 8+ hours a day, but then again, isn't that when it's most important to shift your thinking in a positive manner? Especially when the weekend was taken up with important stuff that took me away from home.

I didn't get nearly the "me time" I'm used to getting on the weekends...but am I going to let work fluster me and set me spinning, or am I going to reclaim some "me time" this week and organize myself? We need decent meals in the evenings and a clean house; and in the past, the activity of this past weekend would serve as an excuse to blow the whole following week, with meals thrown together and devoid of care in planning, nutritional value, etc., and evenings spent in a TV fog. Bullshit.

The weekend was kinda wonderful. The OT fried my brain a little, but I got home at a decent hour Saturday, did some laundry and grabbed a nap before heading down to St. Augustine. We enjoyed a decadent dinner at 95 Cordova in Casa Monica for C's birthday, slept late the next morning, and dragged ourselves slowly out to a midafternoon lunch at Gypsy Cab before I headed back to Jax. It was a GOOD visit. She broke away from a long relationship this year and has a pile of healing to do, but getting settled down here, such as she is, is a really good start. I'm so proud of her!

Random thoughts: Floridians all suffer from seasonal affective disorder...give 'em more than 1 day of overcast, and they get all whiny. Also, I'm thinking I want to learn to play piano...I think it would really help my guitar playing, help bring my hands together on one instrument.

K, back to work...

Image from here.

This weekend.....

2011-11-04T09:26:00.000-07:00

...is a little packed, but I'm not going to let it throw me.

OT tomorrow morning, then St. Augustine in the afternoon. C has to work, but we're dressing up and going out to dinner for her birthday. Fancy hotel, scrumptious food! I'll sleep over and head back midday Sunday. Tonight I gotta do laundry, and in utopia, I'm baking zucchini bread to take down there....but I'm pretty sure that's a pipedream. Rest of Sunday will be chilling, prepping some food for the week, and thinking about the holidays.

I want to get back to eating healthy. Halloween completely smithereened any semblance of intelligence from my eating habits this week. We're still plowing through the leftover candy at work, and it's amazing how quickly you can slide back into the yuck habits. I even ate red meat! As if it was reminding me of how my beliefs need to push past my cravings, I bit down on a tiny, hard bit of something in my McD's double cheese, totally giving me the willies and reinforcing my desire to get off meat entirely, unless it's humanely grown.

Dairy continues to be a sticking point. When I was allergic to milk, I felt deprived, and when I outgrew that allergy in my early teens, I developed an appetite for what I'd been missing. I'd even go through phases in college where I craved it...literally ordered it at lunch once when everyone else was ordering their first adult beverage of the day. Granted, my eating habits were just as lousy back then, so it may have been my body telling me where I was lacking, but the point is I've enjoyed the flavor and fullness of cow milk for years, so weaning off it has been a seesaw at first. Plus, almond milk is pricey...so it becomes a question of wanting to do right by me, enough to spend the money, and that motivation's not always there.

Happy weekend, y'all!

Taking Stock

2011-11-02T08:22:00.000-07:00

November. Already.

This GD year's going by like frickin' lightening.

Outside: tolerable, almost. Open windows @ night, low 70s during the day.

Inside: Was noisy earlier...not so bad right now.

Wearing: jeans, coupla shirts, silly-lookin' brown boots...strained my damn right foot last night, so needing the comfort shoes : (

Reading: The Dragon Reborn. Thinking of rereading Animal Dreams. Still in Crazy Sexy.

Creating: yea, well...

Going: Down to St. Augustine Saturday night to celebrate growing older with best pal from CT days. OT Saturday morning.

Hoping.....
Been pretty in-between this week, not quite up, not quite down. One big factor in the seesaw is the mainlining of processed sugar and corn syrup like it's going outta style tomorrow. Can't remember the last time I was this gluttonous, and that's saying something. Glad we're past Halloween, now just gotta get past the leftovers.

I did perform a ritual of sorts on Samhain. I spoke from Spiral Dance, and then I just talked out loud to the gods, about how I want to treat myself better. It was centering, and I've been feeling better. In the coming weeks, I hope to revisit some of my pagan books to refresh my mind about the basics and then some.

Image from here.

Samhain

2011-10-31T11:15:00.000-07:00

"This is the time...when the veil between the worlds is its thinnest..."

"The Mexicans call it 'Dia de Los Muertos'...they visit the graves of their ancestors, the children crack hard candies shaped like skulls between their teeth and clutch marigolds in their fists...running to sprinkle the petals over the graves....."

(Paraphrased thoughts from Starhawk's Spiral Dance and Kingsolver's Animal Dreams)

I'm truly a solitary witch. Much as I dig the idea of the spiral dance and get comfort from drumming around the fire with my friends, I am definitely a solitary. I'm at work today, but inside my head, I'm so looking forward to tonight, to lighting candles, working with salt and water, sitting very very very still and listening to the earth as I ground and trance. I'm surprised at how it speaks to me today.

I'm quite the lapsed pagan.....if fair-weather Catholicism means catching the Christmas and Easter services and skipping the regular Sunday sermons, then lapsed paganism must be waking up on Halloween and realizing how desperately you need to practice again. How your very soul is aching to hold a wand in your hands, call the quarters and your guardians, ask their help in celebrating this beautiful turning of the Wheel, and if they have any spare time, could they help you get your head screwed on straighter too?

It's the Celtic New Year. I'll spend time tonight thinking, and I'll write some resolutions. I'll read from my books about the rituals of Samhain ("sow-in"), and incorporate parts into my own ritual. I'll punish my pancreas today with my sugar intake, and start fresh with my lifestyle changes on Tuesday.

Mostly, I'll enjoy gratitude for the life I have. It ain't perfect, but it works.

Images from here and here.

Dreaming

2011-10-27T09:52:00.000-07:00

I'm glad the weekend is coming. My brain is here (above) and my wheels are turning.

Image from here.

And your crybaby, whiny-assed problem would be what now?

2011-10-26T18:08:00.000-07:00

I'm a little tired of myself.

I've been reading other women's blogs and come to a conclusion: there's some seriously funny women out there. I used to be one of them.

I have my moments (I will nod regally still, when referred to as the Queen of the One-Liners by my local friends), but they damn sure rarely show up here (the one-liners, that is...pretty sure my 6½ friends show up here on occasion). I can only guess that the funny blogs I've happened upon are all written by stay-at-home moms (who haven't a care in the world, since they don't "work"). Yes, I totally know that doesn't exist, that SAHMs are as busy or busier than I am in an average day (and I don't have a job cleaning up poop or puke in an average day, like they do, so I really need to stop bitching...).....but there's gotta be a reason they have the time/energy/sanity/coherence to exercise wit. Like they have husbands who have jobs making "real money" and children that are delightful and well-behaved, or at the least, the mothers are all on Xanax and keep a bottle of Bailey's in the toilet tank for emergencies when they need to hole up for a moment's peace.

Disclaimer: Blog author ate healthy food for a solid week and a half before indulging in sugar with a side of sugar...this post could be the result of a sugar high. Maybe. Just sayin'...

Hmmm...speaking of Bailey's......

OK, I'm back.....damn, that tastes like Christmastime.....where was I?

I guess it's because I spend my day working with words. Mundane words. Seriously repetitive, redundant, poorly written, grammatically questionable and correct-spelling-optional, mundane words, selling products and services that for the most part, people don't need. I give myself fully to that, because I have to, because my DH has physical issues that put me in the familial driver's seat, being Superwoman, bringin' home that bacon.....

(such that it is, and on a bad week, it ain't much dough...but I am so silly-assed-in-love that I gave up resenting the sitch ages ago)...

And then there's very little left at the end of the day to give elsewhere, to myself, my writing, my/our dreams (yes, the "my/our" is deliberate...I'm incredibly lucky to have a husband who'll pretty much follow me like a puppy dog within reason...reason being the Carolinas, that is). I get home and my body's still going in 10 different directions (because a) I just sat on my arse for 8 hours, 2) in spite of my size, I have the metabolism of a long-distance runner, and c) we are a family of sharks, the Lyons', always gotta be DOING SOMETHING), but my brain goes into a brown stare. I want to knit/read/plan all at once, but my brain's oatmeal, going cold.

And that makes me nutty.

While I do recognize that I have a chemical imbalance, that sometimes the lithium deficiency literally keeps me from focusing on things...there's a fine line between recognizing that as an excuse, and using it as one. And that's where I'm falling lately...wondering how much the latter is used over the former. Which blows, and reeks of self-flaggellation, which I said I'd try to limit here, but if you're still reading this, then you already know how reliable I am about promises like that, so we'll just move on.....

Yes, that cartoon's completely irrelevant to today's rambling...just made me laugh out loud...

So anyway, what was my point?

::crickets::

Right, gonna work on my creativity in the coming weeks...stay tuned. I know y'all are waiting on tenterhooks, so I'd recommend settling in with a box of wine and the remote...I'll get back to ya.

Most images obviously snitched from here. Office park funny snitched from here. Last one snitched from here. All with thanks....needed help bringing the funny tonight.

Taking Stock

2011-10-26T08:59:00.000-07:00

Grandfather Mountain in NC has a FB account, and they've been recording the fall color this month. I adore these shots, mostly by Helen Moss Davis.

It's annoying, how all the energy and great ideas and planning occurs in the back of my brain when I'm at work and can't do anything about it. Just took 5 minutes to write appointments down in my calendar and feel a little more settled, but still.....

I'm going through one of my phases, the "what's stopping you from living the life you want" phase. It's coupled with other voices, spouting stuff like "if you want to live more simply, why is your home still filled to the brim with crap?" and "if you want to live a different life so badly, how come you can't take the time on the evenings and weekends to work toward that, to budget and plan, so you can get your credit in order and quit frickin' whining about living somewhere you absolutely hate?".

Yea, they're long-winded little bastards, these internal voices...highly critical too.

Outside: supposed to hit 80 today, but it's overcast, which means muggy. Terrific.

Inside: warm

Wearing: a shirt that makes me feel huge, pants that are too warm, shoes that don't fit orthotics well and need to be disposed of.....whinewhinewhine.....

Reading: Crazy Sexy and The Dragon Reborn.

Creating: Plain vanilla sock (Yarn Harlot), wishing I had a good idea for a Halloween costume...

Going: n/a

Dad J's hanging in there. We can't afford to visit, even with the OT, so I'm grateful for the holding pattern.

I'm having trouble sitting still lately, can't just relax and veg in front of the tube in the evenings...I have to be doing something else too. This bugs me, so I may force a little meditation this week. Or turn the tube off and focus on just one thing, be it planning or reading or knitting. My brain could use some focus.

So far, so good...

2011-10-24T13:00:00.000-07:00

All I can say is, thank the gods that I like the little gems shown above, because I'd never make it as a vegetarian otherwise. Without beans, I'm pretty sure my craving for protein would have me driving to the nearest Five Guys within a week of this regimen.

I managed to have a really relaxing day yesterday. Woke up craving peanut butter, so fixed myself a PB&banana on whole wheat for breakfast. Almond butter's just too expensive to invest in right now, so I switched to Smucker's, because they claim to have a whopping 1 ingredient in their peanut butter: peanuts.

From 12 to 3, I switched on the OWN network and enjoyed Crazy Sexy Cancer. I'm definitely hooked on Kris Carr....though I've got a ways to go before I'm downing cucumber/celery juice for breakfast or buying a wheatgrass kit. For the first hour, I peeled and cored a bag of Macoun apples to go in the crockpot for applesauce. Next time, I'll use my rotary peeler and then core the apples, but for a project in front of the TV, hand-peeling proved quite the centering task. I also set 2 pans of beans to soak, and made myself a green smoothie for lunch. Def like the greens at Native Sun better than Whole Foods. Whole Foods may have more variety in places, but the shipping kills their freshness. Glad the prices are comparable, cuz Native Sun is closer to home.

We took the recycling to the center mid-afternoon, then settled in for the night. I made myself a big salad and munched a couple of rice cakes when the hunger snuck back in close to bedtime. The applesauce came out great! Has pretty much ruined me against what's sold in the supermarket, and I'm totally itching to learn to can now. May invest in that starter kit by Ball, next paycheck; cuz I gotta make me some more of that applesauce! Cooked up a pan of northern beans plain for on top of salads this week, and made the Yummy Pintos from Heather's website for over brown rice...the latter is going to be dinner tonight with some steamed broccoli on the side.

My bloodwork (cardiologist) showed improvement in key areas. Losing weight and lowering the LDL number are on the agenda. Pretty sure my new regimen will do that on its own, but I'll hit the Interweb for ideas on specific foods to target to get that sucker down. Other goals include starting the caffeine wean later this week and continuing to wean off dairy. Almost there.

Image from here.

Weekend planning

2011-10-21T12:14:00.000-07:00

The weather turned, night before last. Dropped down into the 40s and we've had the windows open ever since (well, not sure about that...it's mid-70s out there, so Les probably closed up for a piece...). We're supposed to keep this weather easily the next couple of days, 40s at night, low 70s during the day. I'll take it.

I can feel my thoughts turning inward. Usually this means I'm turtling, not in the greatest place emotionally. Instead, this time, it's about listening deeply, listening to my body and what it tells me. This week's doctor's appointment (podiatrist) was illuminating, and the two I have next week (cardiologist and GP) I expect will be the same. I think I had a hypoglycemic incident right before dinner last night, and it has me thinking about just how pre-diabetic I am...and how I never want the "pre-" to be lopped off that word when describing my health. It's about how this body really needs me to go hard-core vegan, no dairy, no critters, and drop the caffeine. Why the caffeine? Because I enjoy it with white sugar and cow juice, that's why.

How ridiculous that we don't listen to our bodies until it's almost too late.....I can't even look at Halloween candy now, and last night wasn't that bad, just a noticeable blood sugar drop. But my brain got the message, and I'm going into this weekend with a clear head, wheels turning...

A clear head...I remember one of my New Year's resolutions for 2011 was snitched from Jenna. I wanted to be able to start and end each day "with a clear head and able to touch my toes." As we slip quietly toward All Hallows and the Celtic New Year, I realize I haven't done very well on that score. Rather than self-flaggelate, I'll just turn over the leaf. Just because something didn't happen yesterday doesn't mean it can't happen today. The key is making it happen each day, and not berating yourself when you slip. And a slip doesn't mean start over tomorrow, it means start over right afterward. It's the only way I'm going to make any progress on losing weight and getting healthy.

Tomorrow I have a pinch of OT and a trip to the Y planned. I have recipes in mind that will make next week's eating easier and tastier. I don't have a handle yet on food prep/planning under this regimen, and it's vital to our bank account that I do get a handle on it. Can't be eating Chipotle every day...the gas I burn getting there negates the good the food does for the environment, and we can't afford it anyway. So Saturday afternoon and Sunday will be spent in the kitchen, finding my vegan legs. I think Husby will join me on some of these endeavors, for different reasons; he has a sensitive system and crummy teeth, so healthy food of the soup/stew variety may be right up his alley. I'm so grateful to be finding my way here once again.

Have a great weekend, y'all!

Image from here.

Taking Stock

2011-10-19T13:53:00.000-07:00

Outside: if it decides what it's gonna do, I'll let you know...mostly cloudy, wants to rain, holding off...temps dropping @ night starting tomorrow! I won't believe it til I'm breathing in that cold air.

Inside: noisy tech support agents annoy me.

Wearing: jeans, Docs, green shirt

Reading: Kind Diet, Crazy Sexy Diet in stops and starts...

Creating: nice idea, but not this week. Def hoping to experiment with recipes this weekend though...

Going: OT and doc visits...at least the doc visits are preventive for the most part. I'm grateful.

Hoping...
Dunno...that OT continues, because the bills are kicking us these days. That Dad J.'s health remains on the upswing. That I continue to lean toward healthier eating. That I get my fat arse back to the Y. That my Lil Sis has an amazing birthday next week (even if the scintillating presence of her Big Sis is absent...winkwink). That I can come up with something nifty to wear on Halloween at work. That I get knitting more. Amazing the many things that come into my head once I start thinking this way...that I can find my guitar instruction books. That I can get back to meditating.

Image from here.

Tuesday rally

2011-10-18T11:11:00.000-07:00

Good afternoon and welcome to another session of Melanie's Getting Healthy...this morning we watched as Melanie thanked her boss for his kindness in bringing the Krispy Kremes to work, but did not partake in one of the delectable, sugar-drenched calorie bombs...now we watch as she downs her 2nd bottle of water for the day while munching on hummus with carrots and multigrain chips. The chips are a treat, because Rome wasn't built in a day and she's too damn hormonal to go cold turkey on the processed foods just yet.....

I hope to head back to the Y tomorrow morning. The podiatrist diagnosed significant arthritis in my right foot, showed me on the X-ray, the distinct lack o' cartilege...yay. I hate my brain sometimes...I have been thinking bone spurs or a stress fracture for months now, but as soon as I was in his office, reading his literature, my brain went....y'know, it's probably arthritis. Dumbass.

He gave me a Rx gel sample (that's crazy expensive normally, so naturally it's working wonders), and I'm back in my custom orthotics, which are working better than the blankety-blank Dr. Scholl's, of course...I get so pissed at myself when I forget things that would improve my health/quality of life, etc. The only thing wrong with my custom orthotics is the top is coming away from the bottom, so wearing 'em barefoot rubs annoyingly, but we're going into winter, so I can certainly live with 'em (and socks) until the flexible spending kicks back in, in the new year. Oh darn, a reason to knit more socks...winkwink. He also gave me a Rx for New Balance that should give me 10% off at their outlet here in town. Gotta look at the finances and start saving for that, cuz the sneaks I've been using are dead and then some...

Recognizing that for my physical and emotional health, it would behoove me to save money and buy decent shoes...that's a toughie. I try to spend as little as possible in the shoe/clothing department. Interestingly, I don't think good shoe prices have gone up much (Birks are still a little over/under $100, same with Danskos...), while garbage shoes have definitely increased. Was trolling Walmart recently and laughing at what they wanted me to spend $35 on....pure crap that was glued together by some Indonesian kid. So why not shop carefully and buy stuff that will actually last AND keep my feet healthy...gods, but I'm a twit about my own health sometimes.

Can't believe how the pain has decreased, just from a little gel and the orthotics. Lesson learned. Self-flaggelation ceased on the subject for now.

Bought Crazy Sexy and Kind and rereading 'em rather voraciously... they are my current gurus and lifestyle bibles. Letting the knowledge sink into the ole brainpan and open me up like a flower....

Image snitched from here.

Sunday ponderances

2011-10-16T09:04:00.000-07:00

Is that even a word? Gotta look it up...

ooo, fancy word even! One of those words that goes beyond the Merriam-Webster free trial ; )

So yesterday was a wash...got back from OT and couldn't muster any motivation. Tried to nap and failed, thought about knitting, didn't happen...

I think back to that amazing week, the one where I ate mostly plant life and felt like a million and a half bucks. I think about my current moodiness, how it's tied to my hormones and what goes into my body. I think about the shame that's tied to the cardiologist appointment I have in a week. I think about the things growing in my female plumbing. I think about Crazy Sexy and Kris Carr. I think about how I've been eating since I got paid on Friday. I think about how out of control I've been feeling about my body, how I've been afraid of exercising because of my right foot, yet I can tell the rest of my body has been aching for the activity. I think about how I really have reached a point where I can't eat certain things anymore, because the reactions that occur may as well be allergies, for the ways my body responds.

I was all set to grab Zaxby's on Friday at lunch, but my brain turned the car toward Chipotle because I couldn't stand the horrible lassitude, the complete evacuation of energy that would have occurred if I'd eaten that crap. Didn't stop me from grabbing it for dinner though. Guess it's OK to treat myself like crap if I don't have anything planned afterward. What unbelievable bullshit.

Today's being planned in my head and on paper. I'm cleaning out the fridge and doing the dishes before I go shopping. I'm checking out recipes online and making a list. I'm hitting Whole Foods, Walmart, and Publix probably, shopping for the best prices and the best produce. I'm prodding Husby for ideas on the evening meals, because I'm straying from normal and he probably won't want to go with me on some days. Ironic when you consider he ate healthier than me coming into the relationship...but he's a meat and veggies guy, while I'm going cold turkey again, vegetarian.

Gotta get moving...

The comfort of money

2011-10-14T08:15:00.000-07:00

There are bills to pay this weekend, and there's projecting to do. Told Les I'm not paying or buying anything until after work Saturday, after I've had a chance to budget; so we don't piss this beautiful almost-surplus away. It's a hard thing to do, lemme tell ya, the being responsible thing. Even after 2 solid weeks of eating crap with a side of crap because we couldn't afford serious essentials, like fresh veggies or meat, there's still that little voice in my head, whispering "don't you wanna buy that scarf you saw at Walmart?"

Not if that's $7.99 that could go toward something more important, like my Omega 3 supplement. Or an almond milk stash, so I can wean off dairy again. Or even some hair color so I can stop referring to myself as "tinsel top"...

Isn't this the way adults are supposed to act? I didn't learn this in school, and we've never had kids; and when you're only responsible for yourselves, the levels of hedonism can get rather high, the drive for instant gratifications...

Never even frickin' mind that the holidays are coming up soon...how do you adjust your holiday spending when one side of the family is quite materialistic? I need to step up the quality of the handmades this year, if they're going to pass for "real" presents. And how much should I be worrying about that, what others think vs. how I feel they're real presents because of the effort and intention that goes into them? If they don't see them as real presents, isn't that their burden? Still makes you feel like you came up short though...

One thing I absolutely want to do this year is have the holidays feel like the holidays, instead of some damn burden. When you're pagan, it's hard enough finding the meaning in all the bastardized stolen rituals of the season, but when you have very little dough and two families to travel between, it's very easy to just put your head down and slog through it..."hi, we're here, merry christmas, see ya..." I've done that the past 2 or 3 Christmases; we haven't put up our own tree in years. But the holidays are so much more than having gifts underneath the tree. I'm going to work on that this year...

Anyhoo, 4 hours of OT tomorrow and then relax time...thinking, puttering, cleaning, planning. Been trolling the photos of Grandfather Mountain in NC on FB for my autumn fix, and it's motivating me about the move, about reassessing what-all is going to be required to pull it off. It's a tall order, but no less doable.

Image from here.

Whiny week

2011-10-13T14:23:00.000-07:00

So Lil Sis left work early and I have no one to talk to : (

Granted, I shouldn't be blogging when my earphones are on...cuz there's always that danger of a manager sneaking up and surprising you while you're goofing off. They're on though, because it's about the only way I can concentrate on work, now that Tech Support, bless their fuzzy little, Red Bull-addicted hearts, is back on our side of the building. This motley group of mostly guys really needs to grasp the concept of "inside phone voice" better....in the meantime, I'm listening to music more.

But the stupidity has been running high today, so I bring you this vent:

Dear Copywriters/Designers,

The following errors are getting really old and must cease and desist, or you're going to force me to start drinking coffee in the afternoons as well as the mornings, and accompanying it with a shot of something that's likely not approved for consumption during work hours....

1. Stop linking the words "Call" or "Visit"...unless you've figured out how to Skype our sites or teleport the readers. This is especially annoying when you link the word "Visit" and there is NO LOCATION page.

2. Repetitive and redundant text...I like to flesh out my text as much as the next writer, but the laziness of "...our inventory includes several makes and models, including...." is just silly. Also, companies are not "efficiently organized", they're just organized; prices are affordable or competitive, not both; and something can't be both "unique and one-of-a-kind". I'm beyond tired of shrinking your sentences to half their size and then having to adjust design, just because you can't grasp the concept of succinctness.

"Our expert team comes to your home to check the level of insulation as well as to check to ensure we are able to install additional insulation if necessary." Seriously? I need a white board for all the things wrong with that sentence...

3. We changed our headline format 2 weeks ago. You are not exempt from this change.

4. Punctuation is more than a suggestion. So is proofreading. They're job requirements, not nice ideas.

5. Something that is a nice idea: confirming correct spelling of things like brand names, cities, words...oh, wait, i mispoke; that's a job requirement too!

6. Passive text ... just stop friggin' doing it.

7. If you (copywriters) are trying to break some record for the most dangling modifiers found in a given day, you are succeeding admirably. Please do not mistake this statement for praise.

8. Prepositions are not interchangeable. It's also butt-ugly when they are at the end of a sentence.

On second thought, forget everything I just said...I'll never be without a job as long as there are writers and designers out there like you. Keep up the mediocre work.

Taking Stock

2011-10-12T09:06:00.000-07:00

You'll be happy to know that Lil Sis is back in my time zone and online, so the rambling posts should cease. The management apologizes for any confusion. We return you now to your regularly scheduled, completely scintillating account of Melanie's life. I'm well aware of how privileged you feel. Bow down before Zod.

Outside: Mostly cloudy, 80. Evening temps promising to drop on weekend. Praying we can open up the house.

Inside: They moved Unbilling and are replacing them with......Tech Support, who's just as noisy! Oh joy!

Wearing: jeans, Docs, brace, big green shirt. Moved up podiatrist appointment, because I don't like how injured the right ankle area feels. The foot issue is causing strain in my lower Achilles.

Reading: Yoga Journal. The Great Hunt. Moosewood Restaurant Cooking for Health.

Creating: it's an off week...but there's a glimmer in the back of my head that indicates that brainstorming for holiday presents will begin soon. I remember last year thinking how excellent it would be to make lip balm for everyone on my list. Can't believe it's frickin' October already.

Going: nowhere, except my various doctor's appointments. It's a puttering month here.

Hoping...
I'm learning about my body this week. How it's gotten used to exercise and doesn't appreciate the time off at all. How very much we need to eat healthier. How your body compensates when a part of it is faulty. How very good and important that "become your own naturopath" idea is for me. How jazzed I get when the renewal of hobbies present themselves (in this case, restringing the guitar so I can actually play the silly thing). How good sleep for me means a bed with cooperative bedclothes (i toss, turn, and dream weird stuff when the bedclothes are stretched out and cockeyed). How often I have to remind myself that my habits need to change if I'm going to keep things from growing inside of me that I don't want there. How often I have to remind myself to treat my body well. It's the only one I have.

Image from here.

Yup, Lil Sis still in Dallas...

2011-10-11T10:28:00.000-07:00

...and I have the attention span of carpet lint.

Waffle Tuesday @ work today, where a dear colleague wanted to make waffles for everyone cuz she's revelling in the coolness that is wedding gifts. So she cooked up waffles at intervals (sigh...yummy!) until the grumpy Mcgrumpersons that run the joint put the kibosh on it, because it was a potential fire code violation, cooking at one's desk. I say they should be thankful we weren't cooking with gas, but I doubt they'd get my humor...

There are definite signs that they're moving the Collections department elsewhere. While I doubt it means a move for me personally, I'm delighted to be possibly free of those noisy forward-facing customer service drones...they are the reason the iPod goes on in the afternoons. Well, that and my shrieking boredom and need to focus so I can actually earn a little dough here...

Wearing my cheap-assed-evil-big-box-wannabe-Uggs, which make me look dumpy to the Nth power, but are currently the only shoes in my repertoire that are comfortable. Not. cool. Even the Docs yesterday were rubbing against the damn bone spur or whateverthehellitis on my right foot, causing traveling pain on entire lower leg. It's screwing up my gait, putting pressure on both knees, and the damn podiatrist appt isn't until next Wednesday, which is fine cuz I can't afford to go before then anyway. I'm quite annoyed with my body this week.

The good news is it's opening my eyes once again to the changes that need to be made. The bad news is the aches I'm experiencing aren't going away when I'm immobile, aka sitting on my butt all day at work. Usually my knees or ankle only bother me when I'm walking or doing a lot of moving around. I do NOT want to become a person who takes more than the morning ibuprofen for my arthritis and other fat-ass-induced ailments. This better be an injury or something that can be fixed, because the alternatives rolling through my head are not acceptable.

While I'm bitching, there's also the little matter of whether or not I'm even going to earn incentive for last week's work efforts. I didn't make it at face value in my SPH (sites per hour), but it was only about 1/4 my fault. Off Monday, Tuesday spent all day on a different project, and corralled into copywriting Wednesday through Friday with zero relief. I asked for consideration, but I know I won't hear anything until I'm looking at my damn pay statement on Thursday online. With those 3 aforementioned doctors appointments, no decent food in the house, and a firm desire to take care of some little past-dues like my drivers license renewal from ehem, last month....I say again, Not. Cool.

Geez, but I'm a whiny white girl.

Stuff rolling around in my head on a Monday...

2011-10-10T07:25:00.000-07:00

AKA stuff I'd post on Facebook if it didn't slow my work computer to a crawl and inhibit that, ehem, work thing.....

You'd think as an editor at a website design company, I'd have access to beaucoup computer speed and fancy-schmancy programs...yea, not so much...we've only had Flash on our individual systems for about a year now, for gosh sakes! Call it hysterical corporate frugality. But hey, what do I know, maybe waiting so long for Flash was the one thing that enabled us to have good enough credit to put ourselves $550 million in debt when they bought NetSol.

They did give me 2 screens/monitors a coupla weeks back. I guess I'm a test case. It's apparently all the rage at Google; people are found to work faster with more screen. Hasn't sped me up at all, but I'm totally digging it. Though the inability to speed up my work could possibly, maybe be connected to my desire to engage in other activities while I edit sites. Like Facebook. And blogging. Maybe.

In my defense, after you've edited your third website of the day about carpet cleaning, the task does become about as exciting as dog snot and I require other means of entertaining my brain.

Then again, I haven't owned a dog yet in my life, so maybe I'm over-reaching there. For all I know, it manifests in fluorescent colors and is in fact quite interesting.

This kind of crap goes thru my head on a daily basis. I normally spew it out via IM to my Lil Sis, who, gods bless her, has a corporate job that entertains her about as much as mine does. But she's on a plane to Dallas right now, I think; so you guys get me this morning.

I'd like to thank my company for putting their brand on a 6-cup travel mug a couple of years back and making me the caffeine addict I am today.

Child care centers REALLY shouldn't put their full addresses on their websites. In a possibly related note, I think I watch a little too much Law & Order: SVU.

Wrote a site last week for a cleaning company that brought the workers out in French maid outfits upon request. Target audience: older business men. I wanted a shower after writing that one.

I have 2 doctors' appointments coming up this month, Les has 1...all specialists. That's $60 a pop. I keep thinking of putting off one of mine (cuz $180 just for drs appts kind of blows), but I know it's because I'm ashamed that I haven't made progress (cardiologist)...so I'm going to suck it up and go. They offered to work with me (moneywise) the first time I postponed and rescheduled, so I really don't have an excuse. I did start rereading Crazy Sexy Diet, and I'm drinking water today instead of sugar water (Coke or sweet tea, my preferred methods of hydration in the afternoon) today if it kills me. When I think of the "stuff" I have going on in my body right now, I realize I'm not nearly different enough from Kris Carr to be behaving this way still, seesawing on diet, not exercising regularly, eating garbage with a side of garbage. And that's scary....especially when I let myself realize that I only have 1 month until my next ultrasound on that subject. REALLY hope that in spite of the money getting spent on bills and doctor's appointments this check, that I can purchase Crazy Sexy and Alicia Silverstone's Kind Diet. They are both real gold mines when you're thinking of going vegetarian.

The cat's much better, thanks to a steroid shot and flea treatment. We're trying to keep a cleaner apartment, but damn, it's hard when you've lived there as long as we have. Don't even wanna think what's growing in that carpet...it wasn't even new when we moved in.

Didn't get to Y today, but did catch up on sleep, which was MUCH needed. Think the damn flu shot plus OT kicked my arse this weekend. Doing laundry tonight, though, and that's a workout in itself. Swear to god, the first purchase I make when we move is a washer/dryer set!

K, I've tormented y'all with ramble enough for now ; )

This week...

2011-10-09T08:06:00.000-07:00

1. I'm getting back to slightly healthier eating. Have been in a serious rut.

2. I'm getting back to the Y...Monday, Wednesday, Friday hopefully.

3. I'm creating a budget for the next month.

4. I'm tackling the bedroom closet, because I need to switch out some spring/summer for fall/winter and it's becoming a disaster area in there anyway.

5. I'm grabbing OT where I can and watching closely for the level of personal lunacy it creates.

6. I'm thinking hard about living "brown collar" in spite of our current situation.

7. I'm dreaming of making applesauce and roasted pumpkin puree from scratch next weekend.

8. I'm restringing the guitar (I learned how! thank you, Michie!) and starting my instruction books over.

9. I'm rereading Crazy Sexy Diet, not just talking about rereading it. Also seeing if any of the fridge veggies are salvagable and making juice.

10. I'm going to continue being kind to myself.

Maybe it's cuz I was born in the '60s...

2011-10-07T18:17:00.000-07:00

Well, '69, which is as close as my folks got to Woodstock...they weren't part of the Peace/Love generation.

Maybe it's because when I was 9 years old, my dad introduced us to Richard Pryor, Live in Concert, with a short lecture beforehand about how the words my little brother and I were about to hear were funny and naughty, but not the type of words you spoke in the general public. Dad had great examples for that stuff: "if I'm out in the garage and hit my thumb with a hammer, it's OK for me to yell sonofabitch!, but in line at the grocery store, you keep it to yourself..." I'm paraphrasing, but you get the idea...

There are some real blog gems out there, women who may or may not be SAHMs who lace their blogs with enough funny stories and wry humor to draw readers beyond my 6½ loyal subjects. The Bloggess is one of those ladies; she's delightfully dirty at times and downright funny. And just popular enough to get solicitations from PR groups, trying to get her to endorse stuff. Like she even gives a crap about that stuff...she's just online to make people laugh, educate them about nookie, and spin random yarns. Her personality reminds me a bit of Pioneer Woman, that realness, except Bloggess's language gets racier.

Indulge in some click-throughs...I recommend reading the Bloggess' rendition of events first, and then The One in Heels...she's another one I'll start trolling now...another obviously bright and intelligent woman. I shouldn't be surprised that there are so many of us out there (tongue inserted in cheek).

My point in this ramble is that I was raised to use "those words" with discretion; there are places where it's OK to use them and places where it's not. Unless it's an extraordinarily loose office environment, I can't imagine an atmosphere where it's OK to let the F-bomb fly. Granted, I work in a fairly strait-laced corporate setting, but still...it's just unprofessional to let your language get colorful...email or verbal, it shouldn't matter. Guess I just don't understand modern offices.

As a P.S., that dear friend I mentioned last post was diagnosed with a seizure disorder. Her life has turned upside-down while she deals with this news, and I'm thinking of her often, sending positive healing energy her way. Any that you can send as well is greatly appreciated.

Taking Stock

2011-10-05T13:35:00.000-07:00

There's nothing quite like the hopeful feeling of a good rally.

I'm driving to work this morning, radio off, sorting through things in my head...thinking about my health, how I wish I could visit a naturopath, but there aren't any reputable ones here in town (sorry, calling yourself a naturopath because you offer massage and sell Goji juice doesn't count)...how I've backslid (as usual) lately, back to eating red meat, haven't been to the Y yet this week, not sure I could go if I wanted to, because I'm currently nursing a pulled muscle in my lower left leg and have bone spurs and ankle issues in my right foot....I look and feel like House when I walk these days...how last night, my mood was in the absolute basement thanks to eating McD's for lunch, and how there was such a direct correlation between my depression and what I ate, that I really need to start taking note of that with more than just a passing "oh, whaddaya know, the two could be related" lackadaisical attitude...also that the "stuff" that's growing in my lower female plumbing could certainly be creating hormonal issues that as an already-lithium-deficient-off-her-meds, I absolutely need to recognize, and act on accordingly...how I keep making excuses for not going to the podiatrist, because even though the right foot pain has gotten bad of late, I was hoping to hold off on that expenditure until after the new year when the flexible spending ramps back up...how when it comes to your own health, putting stuff off shouldn't even be an option, regardless of money...and this little voice in my head said something rather clearly that I think may become my personal mantra:

Become your own naturopath.

I kind of love this idea. Made that appointment with a new podiatrist. Gonna slap on my braces where needed and get back to the Y, even if it means just bike work. Gonna eat better. Gonna breathe in the slightest differences in the air and enjoy the humidity drops when they happen. Gonna treat myself better.

Outside: too damn warm for my liking, but could be worse...

Inside: slammed...they have me writing and there's promises of OT. I'll take it.

Wearing: Docs with orthotics for the foreseeable future...black slacks, blue T, overshirt...mala beads...

Reading: The Great Hunt still...Hobby Farms Home (that cover pic is EEEvil)...rereading Crazy Sexy Diet...

Creating: Cozy, 8 rows at a time...

Going: drumming @ friends' house Saturday night with Husby...otherwise, conserving the ole gasolinera...

Hoping...

Good news from Camp Cancer! Dad J.'s chemo meds have been decreased by half, because he's doing so well. He's not "in remission" yet, but all indications are that he is headed in that direction. Keep those prayers coming!

Also on the prayer circuit this week: a local friend who suffered seizures and a head injury and is recovering. Gotta love when that crap happens at the age of 40 with no history of epilepsy and clear CT scans...life is so damn precious.

Image from here.

Autumn Love

2011-10-04T09:07:00.000-07:00

I like to think it's a healthy obsession...

But I may be going a bit 'round the bend on the subject.

All images snitched from here.

Spark to flame

2011-10-02T10:11:00.000-07:00

One of the reasons I stalk people on the Internet: I don't like to lose touch with anyone. What if 15 years from now, I have an AHA moment about something and want to share it because it concerns that person?

Or in this case, almost 30 years...

It's a touch ironic that I was writing just this week about how music can hurt. Must have been having a bad day at work, and I've been listening to my iPod in the afternoons lately to make the work day go by faster. But there are certain songs that are still dangerous on that sucker...liable to sneak tears out and stab my soul when I least expect them to. Have I mentioned in the last 4 years that the gods had no business taking Dad early and leaving me with these feelings? I have? Yea, OK, moving on...

In elementary, junior high, and high school, I played extremely mediocre trumpet in the school bands. I shouldn't say extremely mediocre...the year everything clicked for me grade-wise, 11th grade (because I had zero social life/friends, so what else was there to do but better myself personally through grades and music), was also my best music year...I inexplicably nailed my midterm exam (which was a seriously foreign situation for me, involving going into an empty practice room with a mic and doing scales, exercises, and sightreading into a tape machine for the teacher to go over later) and ended up 1st trumpet 3rd chair in a decent-sized trumpet line the rest of the year. I was in symphonic band and marching, and we marched at Disney that year. And I was reminded in an old journal entry recently of a solo I pulled off at one of my senior year concerts. Those feelings of accomplishment, when you remember them years later, it's like it was yesterday. Good stuff.

As a band geek, you remember every teacher, but if one's special, they stick with you. That person was "Chief" for me. In our hilariously rural setting in backwoods CT, this teacher taught individual instrumental music at the 3 area elementary schools and band and theory at the junior/senior high school. The guy was a little busy...and he had a short temper at times, but it was obvious he cared big-time for all of us. I remember him methodically trying to beat Intro to Theory into my head before school more than once, because it wasn't getting past the brick wall in my head during class. It never did fully sink in, the relationships between minors and majors and what makes them that. But band was almost always fun, lots of laughs and good music as the end result.

This is a long one...I apologize...but there are roundabouts here to get to the meat of the story.

I remember being in his office once for individual trumpet practice, and the conversation turned to Ray Charles. All I remember is me saying I didn't care for his music, and Chief's reaction was incredulous. I couldn't have been more than 13 or 14, and I pray he dismissed my negativity at the time for the ignorance of youth. It was that, and so much more.

So I have a crush on Hugh Laurie...

Yea, sorry, I told you this was a long one...

Been watching House since its inception, and I'm quite whipped. Hey, when you're married, it's still nice to have a little fantasy on the side. When House finishes off a show with some introspective piano playing or guitar, it's a gift...I'm also drawn to his acting, blue eyes, and streak of depression. Guy's the total package, and quite yummy. ANYWAY...

He fulfilled a life dream of recording a blues album this year. It went on the list in the back of my head under "things I'll purchase eventually when we have money for more than bread and milk"...so it wasn't a priority these days.

This past Friday, PBS's Great Performances was an hour-long special about Hugh Laurie's album, with a side story of him traveling from Texas to New Orleans to get a taste of the backwoods where American blues originated, percolated...where its heart is. There were several songs played from the album, in various settings, and excellent close-ups of the instruments and musicians that made you feel like you were sitting in the room where they were playing. Close enough to feel the beat of the standing bass and bring shivers to your back as a metal bar works the strings of a lap steel guitar...

I watched it on the good TV, first with delight at the little things ("this album has helped him blossom at 52...he seems so much more comfortable with himself than when he's talking about acting...wow, poor guy's losing his hair big time..."). Then once the music really started, it drew me in like I was hooked to a fishing line. Listening to Allen Toussaint's musicians bring incredibly soft and controlled music out of the trumpet, trombone, and alto and bari saxes...I know the level of control and practice required to nail that, as it's something I always struggled with, making a trumpet sound like anything more than a brassy noisemaker. I was in awe, positively struck dumb by the music, from Laurie's gorgeous piano playing to the minor twangs of the guitars and violin, to the soft beats of the brushes on the toms and snare drums, to the guest singers who crooned those old tunes with such style...

It's as though I've never heard the blues before Friday, and I can't wait to hear more, learn more, try and learn to play some (on trumpet, guitar, or other instruments), find ways to bring that music more into my life. Don't ever let yourself be turned off by the name "blues"...this ain't depressive music by a long shot. I think of symphonic music as meticulous in its writing, but the word that came to me as I watched these blues musicians play was "deliberate". Every note has a meaning, and when the beat speeds up or slooooooows way down, every single musician is in time with his neighbor, nailing the essence of the song...

Yesterday with that music still resonating in my head and heart, I bought the whole album on iTunes. Milk and bread are overrated, and at $9.99 for 16! songs, it ain't a hardship. Thankfully, Hugh's liner notes are on his website, because he names some seriously obscure blues artists on there whom I wish to research. And puttering around the house last night, late, trying to make myself sleepy, I was suddenly reminded of Chief and my dissing of Ray Charles, and I instantly wished Chief was on FB or something, so I could send him a note with just 4 words: I GET IT NOW!!!

So maybe, just maybe, this will help me bring music back into my life without so much sadness attached. The blues are an art form, and I'm so glad I watched that show because listening to the album this morning in its entireity, I was envisioning the players working their instruments, creating that music. How their concentrated looks stem from being inside the song and have little to do with the notes on a page. I know that place. I want back in.

Image from here.

Autumn ache

2011-09-29T09:22:00.000-07:00

Great Smoky Mountains National Park. Current temp. 61F.

It's a full-of-promise Thursday here folks, as I go over in my head how I've backslid this week, what areas of my life need improvement, and how else I can spruce up the apartment before Husby gets home Monday.

One very cool thing is that my body definitely tells me now when I'm backsliding. I've been totally dragged out this week because of the taboo items I've let slip back into my diet, and small aches and pains are telling me I HAVE to get my lazy arse back to the Y and in front of the tube doing yoga. A twingy elbow today makes me wonder if my arthritis is spreading to parts north of my knees, and I have at least 2 bone spur areas in my right foot. I'm far too young to sound like this.

As we slip into autumn in points north, the air hasn't changed much here, just a very subtle lightening. It dawned on me the other day that if we let this new lease run its full course, it will mean missing not 1, but 2 more autumns before leaving Florida. As I ache for changing leaves and cooler temps., I'm pretty sure that this realization is unacceptable. Discovered that the John Campbell Folk School holds a fall festival that I'd love to attend. Also, blog writers whom I adore and view as mentors are offering workshops I can't attend, workshops that wouldn't even be prudent yet anyway because we're so far away still from having a house, animals, garden, etc. My time will come, I know, but still, it's unacceptable.

It's been nearly impossible to visualize budgeting and projecting however, when we've been living SO paycheck to paycheck, that it's not even that...we've been borrowing here and there again to cover the bills. However I also think I've been using that as an excuse not to act, and I'm recognizing that not even trying to plan isn't going to get us there either.

Luckily, the gift of OT is presenting itself again, and I pray that with hard work and a little focus, we can get back to where we're maintaining our own lives and saving a pinch at a time toward the life we want.

Image from here.

Taking Stock

2011-09-28T10:38:00.000-07:00

Outside: warm, partly sunny/partly cloudy depending on your perspective.

Inside: no comment.

Wearing: beige slacks, brown clogs, pink top with stripey overshirt.

Reading: The Great Hunt and ignoring the library books : (

Creating: Cozy this week...i'm in a zone right now where I work its 8-row pattern in the evenings. Would love to wear it this fall/winter.

Going: nowhere...after vet and rent, we'll be borrowing just to eat : (

Hoping...

Husby comes home Monday morning! Bought his train ticket today. I'm betting I'll watch less TV when he comes home, as I've gotten quite used to only having one set on at a time in the apartment. The quiet I'm feeling inside myself this week is quite healing; I'm more centered than I've been in ages. Even though I'm not eating right or exercising these days, my emotions are in a really good place. Now I just need to combine the two concepts.

Image from here.

Mundane update to a pokey lil week

2011-09-27T09:41:00.000-07:00

Made an appointment for Fig on Friday...poor cat's miserable and tearing herself up. Prayers that it doesn't cost too much and we can still make rent. I'm almost worried they'll accuse us of animal neglect. Put a vegetarian body cream on her worst spots last night and it seemed to help, and I'll baby her the rest of the week with TLC, lap time, and light brushing. Hope it's what I think it is (feline miliary dermatitis) and they can prescribe steroids and an antihistamine to improve her condition.

Turns out she's just like a normal cat in terms of water hatred. Figaro loves bathtubs, which is a little odd, since she spent the first 8 weeks of her life trapped in one (initial owner wasn't the greatest). Tried placing her in the kitchen sink with just a bit of water at the bottom to start, and it was an instant, splayed-arms-and-legs scramble as she tried to crawl from my shoulder up across my back. No scratches for my trouble, thankfully (though she did nail me the previous night...in Husby's absence, she has decided to climb on the bedroom TV when I'm dead asleep, and there was a scramble when I kicked her ass off there)...so I calmed her down, wet down her head and shoulders just a bit, and then took her to the couch where I spoke to her in soothing tones and she submitted to a good 15 minutes of brushing and light man-handling so I could get a clear picture of how bad the scabbing was. Poor thing, she's miserable and not eating much. So I decided then and there that I'd call today and get an appointment with the folks Mom took Chloe to. We lost Jordan before his time; I'll be damned if I'll let our financial difficulties injure Fig further.

When we're scraping from paycheck to paycheck like we currently are, it feels irresponsible to even be trying for small humans; but with my age and health issues, we're just out of options. I've always been one to "make it work", regardless of road blocks and responsible planning...so I refuse to feel guilty for wanting to bring a small human into our tenuous situation.

I've fallen off the healthy food wagon, but I'm trying to hold onto the books that helped me so much that first week and reread them until stuff truly sinks in.

The evenings are delicious...I really should hang in the living room more, when there's nothing on TV that interests me. That big chair we have is heavenly. I've been knitting Cozy or reading, and taking my meals there, using the ottoman as a table. Missing my guy, but not sending myself into a hard depression like last time. Tonight's laundry and NCIS/NCIS:LA. Domestic bliss.

When Music Hurts

2011-09-26T14:41:00.000-07:00

Josh Groban's February Song. Any decent version of Danny Boy (gods, i love the Internet!). Jud Strunk's Daisy A Day.

The beauty of the iPod is it helps long afternoons go by quicker at work. The curse is the gems I have on my playlists, that sneak up and stab me in the heart.

I literally couldn't listen to music for almost 3 years after Dad passed. It's probably why I can tolerate rap now, because I used it to ease back into music about a year ago...the lack of melodies were easier to handle somehow. Dad enjoyed music, and Lil Bro and I grew up listening to vinyl. The 'rents were pre-baby boomers, so I didn't know who the Beatles or the Doors were until 6th grade; but Dad had an ear for melody.

Daisy A Day was Dad's and my song...pretty sure I acquired the old 45 when we cleaned house. It's on my iPod with some gems by Josh, plenty of alternative and new age, and some great randoms, like songs from Emmet Otter or Bugsy Malone.

I have a friend from elementary school on FB, who just lost her dad to cancer. I want to tell her it gets easier, but I'm not even sure that's the truth. 4½ years later and it still sneaks up on me, and big meaty hands tear my heart in half. Whether it's a TV show or a glimpse of memory or a smell...

While Husby is gone...

2011-09-23T08:26:00.000-07:00

...I'm going to get back on my health food kick, make green smoothies, munch on rice and beans, and juice up a storm.

...go to the Y or walk religiously.

...clean the house from top to bottom, vacuuming, scrubbing walls and surfaces, vacuuming again, scrubbing some more.

...give the cat a bath (that's not a euphemism, unfortunately; Girlfriend still has some serious miliary dermatitis issues) without the benefit of a kevlar suit.

...sigh repeatedly as I look around and find no one to pester.

...call him nightly where we'll catch up on each other's days and say "I love you" approximately 14 times.

...make lists.

...KEEP BUSY!!!

Had an interview today for a training position with my company. Went well. Hard to read people via video conference, but I'm confident. As I said to my boss, if I don't get the job, it won't be because I pooched the first interview.

Autumnal equinox...I adore this time of year. Just wish my state had the season.

Image shamelessly ripped off from HarpaJ's blog. I'm officially in love with Iceland and have placed it on my bucket list of places to visit after I a) win the lottery, b) have nailed massive royalty checks from the publishing of my various novels, or c) retired in relative comfort with my Husby, chickens, dogs, and sheep...

Taking Stock

2011-09-21T10:19:00.000-07:00

Sigh.....if only.....

Outside: cloudy, sunny, cloudy, sunny, 80s....

Inside: meh...

Wearing: jeans, big green top, Docs

Reading: The Great Hunt by Robert Jordan and The Vegan Sourcebook by Joanne Stepaniak

Creating: Hope to put some rows on Cozy...and made another apple butter pumpkin pie already! Also trying a new recipe Thursday night for potluck at work...and doing some serious image creating for an interview on Friday...

Going: nowhere...sticking close to home, getting work done...Husby heads out to SC Friday night : (

Hoping: I can keep the crazy at bay while he's gone, and get stuff accomplished. Also, that I stay back on track with my healthy regimen. Went to Y this morning...kicked my ass, but felt good. Damn hormones really knocked me hard this round, still feeling the after-effects.

Image from here.

Contemplative

2011-09-19T12:16:00.000-07:00

Where I was this past weekend:

Where I'm at now:

Autumn is sneaking out north of the Mason-Dixon. Here, we're getting a gift of slightly lower temps (60s/80s) with some much-needed rain this week. It makes me hopeful in spite of the muggyness, and I made the first apple butter pumpkin pie of the season this weekend. Between that and the black bean quesadillas I made on Friday and the ensuing leftovers, Husby's been sighing contentedly for days. On Friday (Autumnal Equinox), I'll wear green and brown, and pray that this time next year finds us in Asheville.....

In some rather ironic timing, the monthly visit hit right after last week's OB/GYN visit. About every 3 months or so, this visit kicks the snot out of me, and this month was that month. It got me thinking about social contracts, how this is still ("in this day and age") considered a subject too yucky to engage in, in mixed company...how if anyone asked how my weekend went, I'd just say fine or elude to having a touch of the flu, because no one wants to hear about how in addition to the parting of the Red Sea between my legs, I experienced crushing exhaustion that mandated 3-hour naps both days, nonstop aching from the waist down, and a firm desire to do absolutely nothing. When will it become socially acceptable to have hormones, I wonder...

Pretty sure I'm still in denial about the whole statistical probability thing too...we'll just keep trying, and by trying, I hope to mean more than once a month. Warned Husby that if he's not home for ovulation in 2 weeks, that I'm getting us a hotel room in Aiken or pitching the tent in the inlaw's backyard. I'm only half kidding, since we missed last month.

Reason he wouldn't be home is he's heading up there Friday night to stay for a week and help out. Things are still in holding pattern (Grandma rehabbing, Dad chemoing), but his Lil Sis has been home every weekend since Dad's diagnosis and we could tell it's wearing her a little thin. She only lives an hour away in Columbia, but that house ain't on an even keel under normal circumstances, so it takes it out of ya. If it were me, I'd have come unspooled and told certain family members exactly what I think of them by now. So he'll go up this weekend and either grab the train back or I'll pick him up next weekend.

Time to shift the wardrobe a pinch for fall, even though I won't be able to do much wearing of scarves n' stuff, so long as this heat sticks around. Would love to cast on some new handknits too...maybe a scarf or legwarmers. I'm getting the itch to wear my brown boots, but it's just too damn warm still...

Image credits found here.

2011-09-15T09:54:00.000-07:00

I listen as the midwife speaks to me. The results show this and this and this; everything's OK for now, we'll look again in 2 months. She speaks about how low my chances are of conceiving naturally, asks again about a fertility endocrinologist. I let her words sink in. I didn't think I was in denial before, but I must have been; because these words I'm hearing and I can feel my heart sink. The fertility doctor is an option I always shoved quickly to the side, because our insurance won't cover any of it, so I fear it's not an option. Her words are saying, make it an option. Because it may be your only chance of knowing life growing inside of you. The words are countered with optimism, the don't-give-ups and you-could-still-conceive-next-month-on-your-owns...but today, for some reason, the message sinks in.

I can't bemoan my fate. I'm a shark, always moving forward...OK, this won't work, what about this? I'm 42 years old and I have things growing inside of me that could significantly impede my ability to make a small human. SFW. What's that fertility doc's number?

There was good news. My BP was delightfully normal, and I've already lost 5 pounds on my new regimen. This morning's yoga felt a little half-hearted, but it's because that workout in particular isn't my favorite, and I've been at this for 6 days straight. The body's adapting. I'm a little tired, but still incredibly strong.

Image from here.

Taking Stock

2011-09-14T16:25:00.000-07:00

Random kitty stalking shot.

Outside: started smoky, now mild...high winds flared up the swamp fire, which has apparently been smoldering for the last 4 months...makes me angry if it wasn't caused by lightening in the first place, but I'm also in awe of the staying power of the element. It's a witch thing.

Inside: I'm home. It's dark. There are cartoons on in the background. Sigh...

Wearing: awesome big green shirt, pink paisley capris, brown flats

Reading: The Kind Diet by Alicia Silverstone and Eye of the World by Robert Jordan. Both excellent.

Creating: haven't been doing much...Cozy is at the top of the pile.

Going: Pagan Pride on Saturday.

Hoping...
It's a damn good week so far. Vegetarian choices for the most part, and some kind of exercise everyday. My energy level is still really rockin', and there's this great strength...I'm able to look at food at the grocery store and make the right choices. Last night I was thinking of being lazy and grabbing a Stouffer's Vegetable Lasagna and I couldn't make it past the picture on the box...just knew it was too much cheese and additives/preservatives, and veggies with no nutritional value left. Instead I hit the produce section, bought enough for at least 3 meals, and spent less money. Tonight my wandering gave me Friday night's meal...Chung's makes vegetable dumplings and spring rolls. Frozen food and certainly processed, but a damn sight better than caving to a Zaxby's urge just because there will be money in the account on payday...tonight I'm indulging in white potatoes, which tells me the monthly time is around the corner.

A New, Crunchy Green Leaf

2011-09-12T11:42:00.000-07:00

Not for much longer.

Roseanne: "We have to go on a diet."
Darlene: "Great...that means we'll have roast chicken for the next 3 nights and then return to reality."
~ Paraphrased from Roseanne

I was naughty on my birthday (big ole Publix sub for dinner), but I refuse to berate myself over it, because it tasted really damn good and hey, it was my birthday! On the weekend, I fared much better in spite of our diminishing cabinet fodder...stuck to salads and beans/rice on Saturday, flagged slightly on Sunday night (mainly because we are low on green stuff). Today's been good, and between eating right and exercising in the morning, my energy level is over the moon! Lil Sis and I iChat throughout the day, and my chirpy perkiness is starting to grate : )

Went to the Y Saturday and today, and did the beginnings of a Tai Chi workout last night. It was so funny...I was battling monkey mind, couldn't settle down, was done with computer for the night and had accomplished a rather large task, that of clearing away the crap in the dining room so I'd have a workspace (yay!)...but didn't feel like knitting and there was zilch on TV...and it was late enough where my brain had bagged the idea of exercising that day. Which was silly, I realized, so I put in this Tai Chi VHS tape, that I'm pretty sure my Dad bought after some doctor told him to decrease his stress level. I started working the beginner stuff, and HOLY COW, the knee and upper leg work that goes into that ridiculously serene looking martial art! (We'll gloss over the fact that I'm so overweight, of course the initial stuff would be hard.) I only learned the first 5 basic positions, got done, and thought to myself, wow, my knees are gonna hate me in the morning.

The good news is they weren't too bitchy today, just a little achy, so I decreased my cardio by a mile today so that I wouldn't be overdoing it, but kept the speed up on the blankety-blank treadmill, so that I was workin'/sweatin' the ole bod. Was walking out of the Y this morning and the delicious thought that I didn't have to work out after work now, kept a smile on my face all the way home.

Another delicious discovery: making time for yourself. Today was my first day working out in the morning. I shifted my work schedule just a half hour later so I could do the Y in the mornings without rushing. I got home, showered, fixed lunch and breakfast, and had 45 minutes to chill, read a little, eat breakfast at home instead of at my desk (I know! radical concept!) and I kept the blasted TV OFF! Went to work so crazy relaxed, I actually noticed the difference in the elevator...it was Monday and I didn't feel bleary eyed, tired, and ornery.

I'm reading Kris Carr's Crazy Sexy Diet and Alicia Silverstone's The Kind Diet (first link is to their websites, 2nd link to their books on Amazon)....and I have a feeling I'm going to be vegan by the end of 'em. Not going cold turkey on anything, there's still some cheese and milk sneaking in (and the aforementioned coffee...yes, coffee's vegetarian, but it causes inflammation in a big way by itself, never mind the white sugar and milk I load into it normally), and I'll need to round things out more so that I don't end up depleting myself of basic vitamins; but that research is forthcoming and the eating so far has been interesting and enjoyable. And some choices, I think, get easier when faced with the alternative...for example, drinking my decaf coffee with almond milk and agave nectar? The flavor difference may not be worth the effort.

Image from here.

42

2011-09-09T10:15:00.000-07:00

I heart Sandra Boynton :)

My birthday saved our asses this week. It produced a small influx of cash that I'm going to dispense with an eye dropper. The urge to blow a pinch of it on a decent meal isn't even there, really. Some fresh veggies maybe, but not Longhorn. I'm off red meat now anyway.

I'm slowly modifying my life choices. I've had too many aborted attempts to go cold turkey on anything. Change will stick if it's gradual and understood. Luckily, I'm in a good frame of mind to do this. I pushed my cardio appointment another month, because I can't afford to go in September, and because I want to be able to show him something. But it's not about him; it's about me finally understanding how my food choices affect my health and life. And that's a powerful thing...it's what kept me driving to Chipotle yesterday instead of being lazy and grabbing Zaxby's. Couldn't even stomach the thought of Zaxby's. And realizing afterward that I should have taken it a step further and eaten a full veggie bowl, because I wasn't even happy with the chicken. Damn empowering, these realizations.

And all of a sudden, you have the time to do right by you...made the effort last night to cook rice, which I mixed with red beans and salsa for lunch today. Takes a little planning and effort, but so worth it. When Les called to tell me about the extra dough, he "gave me permission" to grab something "real" for lunch instead. What I've brought is infinitely more real than a sub or fast food. I'm good.

Changed my work schedule a smidge so I can start exercising in the mornings. That'll mean hitting the sack by 10, but there's nothing on TV around then, and I've gotta get off so much tube time anyway. It's so damn automatic to turn the thing on...first thing in the morning to glance the weather report turns into having L&O on in the background while I dress. In the evenings, it goes on when I enter the bedroom. Why? My life's not going to be unfulfilled if I miss an NCIS episode I've seen 3 times already. Priorities.

I'll decrease caffeine in another week, because there's regular in the cabinet now. I'm weaning off dairy and researching gluten. Finding some terrific resources online and at the library. Was thinking of doing sauna once a week to purge more toxins, so naturally my local Y's sauna just broke down. Oh well, extra exercise it is! Decreasing sugar slowly, and I'm back to drinking water in the afternoons. Going to make time for meditation, just not sure if it'll be mornings, evenings, or both. If I need earplugs to drown out Husby's TV, so be it. Or maybe I'll find an ocean waves track for the iPod...

Thanks for all the FB birthday wishes, gang! This is a very different birthday this year; not a lot of fanfare, but I'm feeling good, unafraid, and strong. I'll make Nanie's hot milk cake tonight to celebrate, and think of her and Dad. There's OT this weekend (woohoo! need the dough!), so that should keep me from pissing away the weekend in my usual style. I'll tackle small projects and go to the Y on Saturday, and resist the urge to crash when I get home on Sunday after work. Don't want to screw up my sleep pattern anyway, because I start the new work schedule on Monday. I feel so damn good.

Unsure where image from, probably here.

Taking Stock

2011-09-07T09:58:00.000-07:00

Outside: I walked outside today to the first hint of autumn, that change in the air where the humidity has dropped just enough to seem almost-cool. I could've wept with relief, but I know it's not around to stay yet, not this close to the damn equator. Still...will get out on the porch this weekend in the evenings, and I'm thinking of shifting my schedule just a pinch so I can work out in the mornings. Sounds unrealistic out loud, but something needs to change, cuz I haven't darkened the doorstep of the Y more than once a week for a while now...

Inside: boring, sterile, running low on coffee...

Wearing: black pants, flats, circus tent shirt...

Reading: Eye of the World; the latest Vegetarian Times and Yoga Journal...good stuff, motivating...

Creating: working on Cozy this week...would love to knock that out for wear this winter...

Going: hopefully nowhere...Grandma's in a holding pattern, and very little money for gas anyway.

Hoping...

The ole birthday, the 4th annual celebration of turning 39, has my wheels turning. I hate the way my clothes fit right now and how I look in the mirror. There's a distinct lack of mirrors in our house; the bathroom mirror is tiny, just the doors of the medicine cabinet, and I have a full length mirror that's not hung and should be. Having very few mirrors helps cultivate denial, and shoves aside body image issues. But I haven't been feeling healthy lately either; that last 10 pounds has really been kicking my arse, and I'm finally looking at how I live and realizing things need to change.

Thinking the family's hot milk cake recipe is in order for my birthday, and Starbucks and Panera are paying for breakfast tomorrow (gotta love them frequent flyer cards), but Friday...I start making some gradual changes. I'm embarassed to go to my cardiologist right now, which is fine cuz I think I need to reschedule anyway (can't afford it), but then comes the argument, why are you worried about the tongue lashing you'll get from him? Shouldn't you be worried about your health instead? If I don't want this to be my midlife, I need to drop ALL the weight and embrace a healthier lifestyle. There's no way I'm living as long as I want to (at least 90s, ideally 102), with this arse attached to my body.

September is back-to-school time, and even though I've been out of school for (sigh) 18 years now, it still brings forth that "bouquets of sharpened pencils" feeling (name that movie!). Good a time as any for some changes...

Image from here.

Taking Health for Granted

2011-09-06T11:57:00.000-07:00

The most ridiculous subject line...and yet, so frequent. How can we ignore the very thing that keeps us on this earth? Why do we wait until something gives.....and then still not get the message?

Sidenote: We may not get a real autumn here in Florida, but I think the web can keep the ache I experience at this loss at bay.

Dad J.: Still in holding pattern.

Grandma H.: Back in hospital, this time with sepsis. Another holding pattern. Gods bless her, she just turned 91...and she's getting tired of being ill so frequently. Hard to know what to pray for.

Husby: Enjoying either a flare-up of his diverticulosis or it's his body's way of telling him that he can't take aspirin products anymore.

Cat: Skin seems better, but she's got a grooming disorder now (and a bald belly, which is worrysome but also damn cute).

Me: I'm having an ultrasound Thursday to confirm everything's OK in the female plumbing department. Still twingy down there, which gets me thinking all kinds of things that I really should just chill about, because there's no use working myself up over what's probably nothing, but hey, at least it's justifying the ultrasound to confirm everything's all right down there...hopefully...but what if....repeat.

Also, I'm ignoring what's either a bone spur or a stress fracture in my right foot, because the pain's infrequent and we simply don't have the dough for me to go get it checked right now. Shitty way to live, I know.

And of course, there's the fact that I'm carrying an entire extra person on my body in the form of flab. And that Paxil doesn't always work on my depression. It still works, don't get me wrong; and that's good in itself when you take into account how long I've been on it (lots of folks develop tolerance)...but there's always days where it's just too hard to fight the little black cloud. Which is why nothing got accomplished on Saturday this past weekend. I'm pretty OK with that though. It happens. There's always tomorrow. Geez, I sound like Scarlett O'Hara. And trust me, I ain't a "fiddle-dee-dee" kind of gal.

So, yet again, the question is, what's it gonna take for me to change? Pondering this and other big, fat, furry questions this week.....

Image from here.

Friday Musings

2011-09-02T09:31:00.000-07:00

Three-day weekend. I'm kind of over the moon about that. It's got my wheels turning. That full-of-promise feeling I get before a weekend. We're staying in town and can't spend money, so it gives us plenty of quality time to either tackle projects or lay around feeling sorry for ourselves. I'm determined not to let the latter prevail.

Seeing pictures and stories about the aftermath of Irene has me thinking about what I'd like in a house. Things like a gas or wood-burning stove, a small generator.....and a bathtub clean enough to not mind filling with extra water should the need arise. If we're stuck in that apartment 1 more year, the least I can do is continue to make it not just liveable, but a pleasant place to be. I'm working with a bit of a handicap, because Les keeps so much of it dark; but there's still plenty I can do.

Grandma's out of the hospital and on the mend. Dad's in a holding pattern. My belly pain earlier in the week might have been a product of my PCOS. Nothing to be concerned about probably, but a good reminder that plenty of things regarding my health are within my control. Getting an ultrasound next week to be sure everything's copacetic down there.

Sidenote: there's something wrong with a country's health plan, when you're asking your doctor/ARNP if you have enough symptoms to request a diagnostic test, so that the insurance will cover it without issue. Given my personal and family history, I should be able to get an ultrasound once a year if I damn well want it, but alas...

I'm so glad it's September. Not looking forward to my birthday at all, which is fine, because we can't afford to spend any money on me anyway. Instead I'm looking forward to fall, baking things with apples and pumpkin, doing some canning, making meals in the crockpot...Gods, I love this time of year!

Taking Stock

2011-08-31T11:35:00.000-07:00

A little off this week...not much to report...

Outside: blue sky, white clouds, grey sky, black clouds...can't make up its mind.

Inside: a little warm and none too exciting.

Wearing: jeans, sandals, gigantic shirt that would be cute if it wasn't a size fashioned by Omar the Tent Maker, but it's so comfy, I have trouble seeing that it's totally unflattering and continue wearing it everywhere with a rather blind stubbornness.

Reading: Eye of the World by Robert Jordan. First time reading Wheel of Time series.

Creating: snickerdoodles, not much else...will dig into the UFOs for a knitty get-together with friends this weekend.

Going: NOWHERE! Taking time to just be, and not travel...can't afford it right now anyway.

Hoping: Lots of stuff. Going to the doc myself tomorrow, hoping all's well there. Hoping Dad J. continues to heal. Hoping a college friend who totaled his car this week continues to heal. Hoping a grade school friend whose father is fading from cancer, gets plenty of quality time with him in these next hard days. Hoping I make enough to cover the damn rent.

Image from here.

Thoughts on a Sunday

2011-08-28T08:44:00.000-07:00

I think my efforts today may not extend much past taking the recycling to the center and turning a frozen dish into soup. I also think I'm OK with that. I have some things to wash out by hand and some reading to do.

I heard a friend sing last night. Her voice, accompanied by her guitar and that of a friend, travels straight into my heart chakra and gives me this feeling of peace. I fall into it, a place of contentment.

We also drummed and chanted a bit, sitting around a fire laid outdoors. It threw off the occasional spark and kept the mosquitoes at bay. There was hula hooping and fire spinning. People danced sinuously around the fire as the spirit moved them, and we sang songs about the elements. I'd forgotten how these activities spoke to my soul.

I was asked, more than once, how I feel about staying. These are people who believe that things happen for a reason, that there are things in life beyond our control. As a recovering control freak, I fight this viewpoint. But I also admit to that relief, that recognition that right now, little can be done to better my situation in the short-term. It takes my dreams out of the clouds and brings them down to eye level.

I'm grateful for this clarity. Just thinking about it stirs my motivation, which was pretty dormant today until the coffee kicked in. I'm going to putter, and then create my budget sheets for the rest of the year. Have a great Sunday, y'all!

"Shakabuku"

2011-08-25T13:38:00.000-07:00

"A swift, spiritual kick to the head that alters your reality forever."
~ from Grosse Pointe Blank

I'm having one of those afternoons.

Something fantastic happened. My significant web stalking capabilities have been running into a road block with regard to finding one particular friend from high school. At my last high school (there were 3, long story), I had 2 best friends, one in my grade and one 2 years below me. We three were inseparable in 1987; and then one of us graduated and moved on to college. I took an extra year of high school (another long story, not really my choice), so the other friend and I stayed close. I went to college nearby the year after that; she graduated a year later, and moved to Alabama to continue her studies. We exchanged the occasional Christmas card or catch-up letter, but we were both lousy at writing. She married, stayed in Alabama; I bounced around Florida...and thanks to our inability to maintain correspondence, we lost touch, which I always hated, because she's this really sweet, positive person, someone who's bubbly, but not annoying, a really good listener...the girl's a 5'4" hug!

With social media being such the norm nowadays, I figured it'd be easy to find her again, but for reasons I couldn't fathom, I was having trouble pinning her down. Y'all know I make no excuses for being the occasional Web stalker...my FB friend from age 5 can attest to that. I figured she was taking time off from work to have children, which was why I couldn't find her name at her old schools (she worked her way from teacher to assistant principal, to psychologist/guidance counselor). Suffice it to say, I thought to put her maiden name in the search on FB today (I've tried this before, but it's never worked), and after being out of touch for years, I found her again!

Even more interesting though, is the motivational response that I'm getting from looking at her pictures. She had gained some weight in high school, but in her junior year, she made the decision to eat healthy, drink water, and get more active. I cheered her on as she dropped pounds and embraced seltzer water and rice cakes, but turned my nose up at doing anything like that myself. In point of fact, I didn't need to back then; I was 5'8" and weighed maybe 150, which for my frame is fine. However, the healthy habits obviously could have helped me. Fast forward 23 years: I'm 125 pounds overweight, and she looks fantastic; she obviously still embraces a healthy lifestyle and it shows on her trim frame and pretty face.

Something shifted into focus, seeing her. Why have I abused myself as long as I have? Granted, in my case, we're dealing with some seriously long-standing habits, and some switching of bad habits for other bad ones. (Do I eat because I don't cut myself anymore? Do I eat out of fear that Les will leave me suddenly, like Dad? etcetcyadayada....) Also the fact that my brain chemistry ain't normal will always factor in. But how much of that is an excuse? How much of that could be shaped positively with a little gritted teeth and elbow grease on my part?

They could write an academic thesis on how the unconditional love I receive from Les has allowed me to let myself go, that it's freed me to be myself. Except myself is unhealthy and looks like hell. I want to live to be 102, I'm terrified that Dad's condition is genetic, and I'm a heart attack waiting to happen.

I think I'm done being stupid.

Taking Stock

2011-08-25T08:39:00.000-07:00

One day runs into the next. We're trying not to travel for the next month. Prayers that Grandma and Dad J.'s health allow this. G'ma's in the hospital with pneumonia; Dad's still trucking along toward hopeful remission.

Hurricane Irene isn't even going to grace us with her presence here in Florida, unless you're a surfer; and Virginia/DC had an earthquake this week. The world's pissed, folks; quit hurting her.

In that vein, I'm heading back to a more vegetarian diet, well, lacto-ovo anyway...can't imagine giving up my dairy, though I am cutting back on eggs b/c of the cholesterol. I'm 1 month away from my cardio appt and my health is likely worse than the last one. Two frustrating things I'm learning about eating and living healthier: it really is more expensive, so purchases must be done with care; and label reading is a MUST. I went shampoo shopping in my local health food store, and quickly realized there's no point paying twice as much for shampoo that isn't organic or non-GMO and still contains plenty of alcohols and petroleum products. Or the products that claim to be soy-free, but then have canola oils in them...as if rapeseed is any less genetically modified than your average soybean. Totally chaps my ass that companies think we won't read labels and they can get away with that shit.....and of course, thanks to our latent consumerism, they can and do get away with it. Well, not this chickie...

So I said the hell with it and I'm going to try no-poo for a month; baking soda shampoo and vinegar/tea tree conditioner. It's a real gamble considering how very much hair I have, but I'm willing to work with it. I so want to make my "footprint" smaller...I'm reading about permaculture again and thinking about planting on the porch. Baby steps.

Outside: sun showers, courtesy of Irene.

Inside: back to normal...yesterday was hilarious. One of the server batteries caught fire and it took hours for the computers to function normally afterward.

Wearing: best slacks on the planet, short-sleeved sweater that will annoy me by end of day, and clogs...we're biz cashz today for tours with the suits of the company we just absorbed.

Reading: Eye of the World by Robert Jordan (starting the Wheel of Time series), Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, and the September Vogue/aka Fashion's Bible.

Creating: yea, right...it's been a scattered week. Will be baking up a storm for a friend's b'day party Saturday night, trying to decide what to make...may try my hand at something vegan, so they can partake as well as the party-goers...

Going: no further than Orangedale for the party and the recycling center on Philips hopefully...

Hoping.........

Images from here and here

Taking Stock

2011-08-17T08:44:00.000-07:00

The new obsession. Asheville, NC. I'll idealize it in my head until I see it this fall, and then we'll really talk about where the heck we wanna move to. Hoping to get us up there in October to go apple picking and explore.

Outside: August. Florida. Nuf said.

Inside: Short attention span theater.

Wearing: comfy-est pants on the planet. Sandals. Oversized shirt.

Reading: Poisonwood Bible again. I'm a little fascinated lately by the anti-feminist rhetoric of fundamental Baptist sects.

Creating: holding pattern...unless you count a slightly more organized house.

Going: SC this weekend...Dad J and Sis-in-law's birthdays. Say a prayer that the car AC doesn't cost us an arm and a leg on Friday.

Hoping: that we can get said AC fixed without it raping my paycheck, that Dad J continues to improve. That I can keep exercising every other day. That I'm able to plant the herbs and tomatoes on the back porch. That...

Image from here.

Monday Musings

2011-08-15T10:48:00.000-07:00

I didn't think I'd feel this relieved. It's actually frustrating to feel as relieved as I do about our inability to move, because I get afraid that it signals a complacency that I've been fighting against since, oh, moving to this damn state really. I really don't like it here. I've certainly said it often enough. There are no seasons, the trees don't change colors at the right times, and my apartment's too small and devoid of modern clothes-washing machinery.

But this is different. Seeing my credit scores, seeing that there are definite steps I need to take before we can even THINK about trying to leave...these are steps that weren't in my plan before, and have to be now. It creates forward movement. The question, "are you doing everything you need to be doing?" gets an honest answer now, not just one that's fueled by my dreams of traipsing through a field wearing muck boots.

Spent a chunk of yesterday unpacking and reorganizing, playing box Tetris as Lil Sis calls it, to get the stuff that can stay in boxes (board games, Christmas stuff, Dad stuff, etc) stashed in a way that we're not tripping over it...and unpacked a large chunk of our library. That feels so good! to have our books at hand again. It's not done yet, but I'm just going to tackle that place one section at a time, until the only thing keeping me from inviting people over is the smoke smell...

I'm starting fresh lists, downloading free budget templates until I get one that speaks to our sitch, thinking about projects. I want to plant stuff out on the porch and refinish those cabinets. We're going to cook more at home this fall. There's zucchini in the crisper begging to be made into bread later this week. I'm in a surprisngly good place right now.

Peanut Butter Pie

2011-08-13T08:50:00.000-07:00

Husby and niece, circa Christmas 2007. Takes my breath away.

I wasn't familiar with Jennifer's blog before today; I may have happened across it at some point, but I can have blog ADD at times. But I checked out Heather's post today, and then Shauna's, and I was moved to tears. You'd think after Dad, I'd remember how precious life is, but we humans are easily distracted by shiny objects, until your earth is shattered or that of someone else's, and you remember just how important it is to live authentically.

Naturally, it brings home a host of other issues with me. I couldn't make peanut butter pie today if I wanted to. We don't have all the ingredients, and whatever's left in the account is going to bounce against my Y membership on Monday. That isn't a responsible way to live. Then there's the fact that I got my credit scores finally from that BofA thing, and they're worse than I thought. I need to try and remedy one or two errors, but most of it's legit; and that doesn't exactly bode well toward getting us to NC anytime soon. I'm finally understanding that dreaming it doesn't make it happen. And reading a post like the above ones only punctuates the amount of time we've already wasted, no children, no home...

Husby snores periodically on the couch while I type this. His noisy cartoons go on in my left ear, but I think he'd probably wake up if I went remote-rooting. I adore him.

Hug your loved ones, people! And then get to work!

P.S. Husby's an Apple Butter Pumpkin Pie guy actually. He's so getting one once I get paid.

Dawn Breaks

2011-08-12T09:10:00.000-07:00

Snitched the photo title too, as my subject line. It's rather appropriate.

The dream's not dead. I just had to hit the snooze button again.

I should be more disappointed. As I wrote in NC Moving, I honestly thought I'd get approved for the credit card. My bankruptcy has been discharged and we only have 2 big yucks and 2 small yucks on the ole credit. But one of those big yucks is from another credit card company way back when, and until that one is discharged, I could be looking at more brick walls.

Some very good things came out of this latest failure. I signed up for a thing at BofA that allows me to, for a negligible fee, access my credit score and report whenever I want, so I can track its improvement. I realized I really want to take a good look at Asheville, because if I'm being honest with myself, I'd rather live in that size and type of community than the massiveness of Charlotte. I'm definitely getting my wheels turning and motor running on several projects, from writing to container planting to refinishing those cabinets to cleaning to purging our stuff. And I'm going to actually budget: create a plan and timeline. It's not nearly enough to just give myself the deadline of when the lease runs out. Even if Les finds work or gets accepted for SS disability, it'll take time to save money and I'm finally figuring out it ain't gonna fall from the sky. One good thing is that we are very close to done with our car payments. When we finish with those, I'll start saving toward a secured credit card, to build the credit back up, bit by bit.

I made it back to the Y last night, and the difference today is marked...my posture, my mood, everything. I don't expect to lose all the weight I've gained before my cardio appointment in September, but I'll be damned if I'm going to him with the same bloodwork numbers. So I'm back off the fast food, taking my supplements, trying to eat more plants...my focus on me is back. Thank gods. Happy Friday!

Image from here.

Taking Stock

2011-08-10T08:39:00.000-07:00

Wasn't I just here? Too much going on in my head, won't bore you with the rambling...check out NC Moving if you're desperate for info.

Outside: steamy.

Inside: boring.

Wearing: as little as possible. It's wet wool blanket time in Florida, where you step outside and want nothing more than to turn right around and go back indoors, unless you've just drank massive amounts of water and have an adequate head covering....

Reading: NC brochures/magazines

Creating: lists

Going: nowhere this weekend, thank goodness...our car A/C is being quite lazy, and there's no money to fix it : (

Hoping: credit card approval comes in, I can figure out where in the hell I want to move us, and my friend D recovers quickly from her accident. Our stock continuing to rise would be nice too.

Image from here.

Taking Stock

2011-08-03T11:42:00.000-07:00

I nicked a pile of these types of shots off of Rosie's blog this morning. I couldn't help myself. They nutshell New England for me, and awaken that ache that reminds me that I won't be happy until I'm somewhere more rural. God help me when I find that place and its proximity to a Starbucks is measured in tens of miles, rather than tenths...

Also, for reasons I can't understand, I'm completely smitten with her family.

We head to NC on Saturday morning. I need this distraction, even if it's less of a scouting trip and more of a visiting one. We just won't know if we're able to move for awhile yet, so I'm going to relax, visit Mom and Meara, and drink the area in. Already planning a trip in October if we aren't going to be able to move this fall...I want to pick apples off a damn tree this year!

Outside: Supposed to feel like 110F today...not bad in the shade; I still ate lunch outside. Wish I could do the rest of the workday out there...

Inside: Love the juxtaposition of hitting 110F outside while my toes freeze in my sandals inside, because the damn A/C is set so low...

Wearing: capris, T w/embroidered flowers, aforementioned toe-chilling sandals...really, I feel a pinch like a slob when I wear them to work, but they're easily the most comfortable shoes I own right now, so hang fashion...yes, they're more comfortable than my SNEAKERS! Those who know my tomboy ways understand the enormity of that statement.

Reading: finished the Millennium trilogy (so. damn. good.) so officially at loose ends in the reading department...thinking I need to tear into a box and find something by Kingsolver to take the edge off...

Creating: stalled on the knitting, but my brain's been dealing with a LOT so far this week. Also, doesn't help that I unpacked the PS2 to get over the Mah Jong DTs...I lasted a whole 2 days with that time-sucker in a box. Thinking I want to get moving on socks soon...haven't ripped out Candleflame either, and I'd love to do something with that yarn...maybe double knit a feather and fan scarf instead?

Going: NC!!! Bringing the cat, because we'll be gone basically 4 days and she's been dealing with some kind of dermatitis lately...plus she's getting more clingy each time we leave for longish periods, so we're going to spoil her.

Hoping: I get approved for a credit card with a decent limit, so we can continue moving forward...

Image from here.

Illumination

2011-08-02T12:51:00.000-07:00

When I have my own house, there will be lavender in the herb garden.

"Excuses are like assholes. Everybody's got one."
~ DH

Wishing it won't make it so. That's the hard, hard lesson I'm taking away from my latest realizations, that it takes so much more than just wishing to make an out-of-state move occur, when you're working under our handicaps (living paycheck to paycheck, 2-person household + cat with 1-person income, modest savings, no credit cards, inability to acquire a bank loan, the list goes on). Don't get me wrong, I wasn't just wishing...I've been job hunting since May, investigating the apartment/house situation in Charlotte, researching the neighborhood layout of the city. Also, applied for positions outside of Charlotte...and have received zero nibbles back. My skill set and the economy just aren't meshing right now. Not giving up, but definitely reconciling myself to the fact that a lease renewal here could very well happen for now.

This is thanks to the realization that we plain don't have the funds to move. My stock options are in the basement, and any partial liquidation of the 401(k) can't occur until I have terminated employment with my company (US tax laws designed to save us from ourselves), and since I'm having a wee bit of trouble lining up a new job, it becomes rather logistically impossible to coordinate an out-of-state move without a chunk of spare funds from somewhere. That may be where the credit card comes in, but I don't really want that to be the end-all-be-all option either; even with a 0% APR for the first 12 billing cycles, it's a gamble that requires further review, once I've received the yay or nay from the credit card company, which won't be for 7 to 10 business days...so there's that.

Spent about 18 hours screaming internally with that realization. Our apartment has no washer/dryer, enough crap for a 2-bedroom, and has been smoked in for 13 years. It's a hole that I have no intention of even trying to get the security deposit back on. If I wasn't so worried about them raising the rent further, I'd demand fresh cabinets and carpeting on the renew. Add to that how dark we keep it sometimes because of Les's head, and it really does take on a "pit of despair" feel. Name that movie : )

So once I had a moment to set aside lamenting and gnashing my teeth and make a list or three, my brain just exploded with renewed hope on the subject. This means I have the time I need to research more, I should look into other means of income through my writing, we can really organize the boxes in the meantime....and a host of other things, which I outlined further on the NC Moving blog. And it blew out the lit fuse on the ominous end of August deadline (when we need to let the apartment complex know if we're moving or not). If I can still make it happen in that timeframe, great...at least now I have a realistic view on the level of work that needs to occur, all the pieces that need to fall magically into place to make it happen.

Image from here.

Dark

2011-08-02T06:57:00.000-07:00

My brain is totally immersed in the NC Moving blog this week; wanna know what's going on? Go there : (

Happy Friday, y'all!

2011-07-29T12:11:00.000-07:00

"I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see."

~ John Burroughs

Merry early Lughnassadh to you as well! These are the days of the first harvest, when the bounty starts to come in. Barbara Kingsolver paraphrased a joke by Garrison Keillor in her book Animal Vegetable Miracle, about how if you live in the country, these are the days when you don't leave your car unlocked when you go into church, because you're liable to come out and find zucchini on your front seat. Thinking of hitting the farmer's market tomorrow with $20...I'm starting to have zucchini and tomato dreams : )
I adore the harvest months!

"Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns."

~ George Eliot

And another thing...

2011-07-27T07:57:00.000-07:00

When I go a week between blogs, there's bound to be more than just "Taking Stock" rolling around in my head. After reading this post from Unplugged Sunday, it occurred to me that I've been spending my evenings reading lately, because I'm deep into the Millennium trilogy by Stieg Larsson.....and feeling guilty about it.

Why? When did sitting around reading become not enough? When technology started to dictate that you alwaysalwaysalways have to be moving, clicking, texting, keyboard-tapping, doing SOMETHING other than pursuits that used to be perfectly "acceptable"?

People get into the elevator at my work and immediately they look down at their phones and start reading or scrolling. It's like it's no longer acceptable to stare straight ahead and let your mind wander. I find a similar situation at the gym, when I realize I'm one of the few individuals there working out with no book, Nook, or iPod earbuds for distraction. Even the machines have gotten in on the act, with TV sets on most cardio machines and gaming options on top of it. I admit I do play some mah-jong or solitaire to make the time go by faster, but I also people-watch sometimes. It really becomes evident how self-conscious people are at the gym by the looks you get if you happen to accidentally make eye contact with someone. Sad.

Toyota nailed it with their most recent ad campaign for their Venza vehicle: 20-somethings lamenting how out of touch their parents are, when in fact the parents have much more active and interesting things going on than the 20-somethings do. And I totally get the message, and then spend my evening on the computer when I just spent 8 hours on the damn thing at work. Why? What am I afraid of? What are we afraid of happening if we shut down a little and perform more old-fashioned pursuits? I dream of sewing, of finishing the dozen or so knitting projects that are squirreled away in corners in the bedroom, of plotting the rewrite of my book. That last one could require the computer, but it doesn't have to, initially...which brings to mind the question of why longhand writing is now fading completely from even some elementary curricula (referencing that Indiana school board decision to eliminate teaching cursive...that blows my mind!). Why must everything be performed faster now? Do we not see the rewards in slowing down, allowing things to evolve more naturally, more organically...?

Plenty of bloggers out there have nailed it and are living my dream...so what stops me? I'm learning the how-to from these wonderful ladies, but something is holding me back; and I can only blame it on the apartment, living in Florida, etc. a little while longer, because I'm finally in a position where I think we can make this move happen. So what happens when I start realizing my dreams and I'm still in the same rut? Not that that has to happen, but I think it's important to recognize the possibility so I can keep my dreams on an even keel, remember that NC isn't the only answer, starting a garden isn't the only answer, losing weight isn't the only answer...

Taking Stock

2011-07-27T07:21:00.000-07:00

Where the hell's July going?

It's a busy summer. Long, boring work days and trips to SC conspire to suck time away from me. This last trip was a blast, sans friction, and we enjoyed a huge dose of summer fun on Sunday at the niece's 5th birthday party; but it takes DH and I a full 24 hours to decompress afterwards. We've definitely become used to our particular lifestyle.

Luckily, my back's feeling better. Strained it low, probably from one too many turns as a human jungle gym for the 5-year old. Been taking it easy, and it feels almost OK today, so I'll skip the Y one more day and hopefully find the energy to do some easy yoga after work.

Outside: overcast...high 80s/low 90s this week with rain. The mid-Atlantic coast is getting more heat than Florida right now. The world's upside down.

Inside: snore...realizing that the idea of staffing agency in NC may be appealing to me because I'm so bored out of my skull at work...

Wearing: probably same thing as last week, I should check...

Reading: Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest. I will own the complete Millennium trilogy. Excellent books.

Creating: an iPod case in black Wool Ease (pattern in my head) and pondering frogging the blasted Candleflame scarf, because I apparently have a mental block with that pattern that's insurmountable until I rewrite the damn thing myself.

Going: nowhere...planning trips to NC for August, saving gas because money's so tight.

Hoping: too large a topic...

Image from here.

Taking Stock

2011-07-20T13:41:00.000-07:00

Last weekend was a wash, but I'm OK with it, especially once I realized that I'd spent the entire weekend thinking it was a weekend earlier. No clue how that happened, but I got to work on Monday and my brain was like, whaddaya mean it's the 18th?! Thought it was the 11th! Doesn't mean much, except that we're going to SC this coming weekend now (instead of way out on the 22nd...), so brain shift/planning needed to occur. Am I so in denial of how this move is creeping up on us that I actually rewound a week?

The economy has hiring at a bit of a standstill, I think. People are looking at our national financial sitch, placing ads for new help, and then thinking to themselves, wee-ell, not quite yet...I haven't paid enough attention to Congress's current budget work, because until compromise occurs, it's just two large groups of mostly white men arguing with each other and not thinking enough about their constituents. But it's the only explanation that makes sense, because I've even applied for jobs for web editor (hello! exactly what I do now!) and received zero response. I have 2 staffing agencies in mind when we go up in August, and 4 other names of agencies in the hopper; because the only way this is working is if I find work (and our credit passes the sniff test of whatever property management/landlord we are able to sweet-talk). This is also why I'm going to the bank soon, to see if I can get a bit of financial advice and a credit score. I know you can fetch it up yourself online, but I couldn't get the magical FICO number out of them last time, and since that's what the renters are looking at...

Outside: apparently steamy again, so I haven't been out since the drive to work.

Inside: frigid...took my hair down earlier to warm up my friggin' ears...

Wearing: beige capris, blouse, sandals...originally had darker colors planned, until I turned on the Weather Channel this morning...

Reading: Girl Who Played with Fire...just as in-depth and exciting as the first novel. Also thinking of unearthing the box of pagan books, because Starhawk and T. Thorn Coyle are whispering to my psyche again...

Creating: short row scarf and digging thru UFOs, row here, row there...hoping to start Leaf Lace Shawl, if I can acquire the needles before the weekend...feels so good to be knitting again!

Going: SC this weekend! Niece's 5th b'day, Dad's 3rd chemo. I'm glad for the trip; DH has been in a slump of late. I think he's depressed because he'd love to be there, doing more, but it's barely feasible, given how the house is normally run/number of people who live there. He's scared for his dad, naturally, and wishes we lived closer already.

Hoping: Dad continues to rally and the niece isn't too hyper this weekend. That I get a chance to walk while I'm there. That I spend lots of time outdoors. That the rally that's occuring food and exercise-wise within me continues.

Image from here.

Friday

2011-07-15T07:55:00.000-07:00

That's about where I'm at today. Hormones have been smacking me about physically, and I need to make some to-do lists for the weekend; because the urge to spend it reading and knitting is kind of palpable right now...just checked Girl Who Played with Fire out of the library and I've been tucking back into knitting in the evenings. It's nice, has me turning off, slowing down a bit. Happy Friday, y'all!

Image from here.

Taking Stock

2011-07-13T08:50:00.000-07:00

I like this one. Again, idyllic as hell, but it's where I need my brain to be as I process the emotions of the week.

The relief I'm experiencing (over not being pregnant) tells me widescreen that now is not the time yet; but my legitimate concern over my age keeps me thinking that there is no wrong time anymore. Don't get me wrong, I SO want to have a child, but we're 3½ months away from (hopefullypleasegod) moving out of state, and I'm pretty sure that job and house hunting while knocked up would cause my brain to short-circuit. I mean, you'd literally be able to hear the "poof!" from wherever you are right now.....Yet as much as I think about delaying until after the move (and may still), there's always that fear that we've already waited too long. Just because I'm still cycling regularly doesn't mean I'm firing on all cylinders down there. Then again, if that's the case, I won't know it either way, so I need to shelve that fear and move forward. Wow...think I just worked that out as I was writing it...

Outside: steamy

Inside: mind-numbing...serious lack of work...

Wearing: fave shirt, black pants, black flats...hasn't been a sandals week for some reason.

Reading: Jane Eyre, of all things...want to start Girl Who Played with Fire, need to figure out if I'm going to grab it at the library or be greedy and buy it...

Creating: working short-row scarf, SnB baby blanket, plain vanilla sock, and just started Candleflame scarf ala KnitPicks in some ancient, but beautiful Shimmer...definitely some fresh knitting mojo going on here...thinking the book will have to wait, because I also want to purchase needles to start the Leaf Lace shawl in some ancient, but gorgeous Shadow...it's been ages since I've worked in laceweight, and the concentration it requires is calming right now...

Going: Home Depot for more boxes; otherwise, sticking to home. SC trip next weekend or the weekend after...NC trip planned top of August.

Hoping: eh, too many to list here...the biggies include getting something that resembles a nibble from the NC job market and that Lil Sis has a safe and stress-free trip back from Singapore on Sunday...

Image from here.

Pensive

2011-07-11T11:08:00.000-07:00

Worse...hormonally pensive. I'm curled in on myself and don't want to be bothered until my brain has sorted some stuff out first. I'm thinking hardhardhard on what's holding me back from my dreams, why it's taken so long for me to even get to this point, why I've let so much time go by...everything from why we don't have children to why I haven't published yet is on the table, and I'm trying hard to look myself square in the eye.

The reality of this latest missed attempt isn't as crushing as I thought it would be, but there is this keening going on in my soul. "Have we waited too long?" screams through my head, thick with silent tears...

What is it about we humans that makes us take life for granted, this one life that we have...I thought I'd gotten the message 4 years ago, when my earth was shaken to its core, but the complacency slowly oozed its way back in and here we are, not really any closer to accomplishing anything...

My sister is in Bali as I write this. She planned this trip to Singapore and Bali to visit a dear friend, not thinking at all, I think, about how very far outside her comfort zone the trip would be. Since Dad, she's built quite a few walls around herself; they are there to maintain the appearance of control in her life. Conversely, my walls kind of fell down when Dad passed, because it illustrated widescreen to me how life is what happens while we're making other plans. So I'm crazy proud of her for going, and wondering if it'll help her unclench a little. And I look at her and wonder how it is that my lack of fear doesn't help me move forward at all...

I want to pound out my hurt on the elliptical, was planning that very thing after work...but I think what I need instead is yoga at home, the fluid movement of poses and centering of mind.

Image from here.

YAR

2011-07-10T08:26:00.000-07:00

Yet another rally...and a post just to push down the previous one...

Don't know anything yet, but I need to get a grip. Got some packing accomplished yesterday, today will be errands and a bit of organizing. Focus on job hunt, let nature do its thing. Easy to say...

Random note: Nescafe is a surprisingly adequate alternative when you're out of Starbucks...no contest to the real deal, of course, but I expected it to taste like freeze-dried ass, and it's actually not bad.

OK, stuff to do...

Image from here.